Hi Everyone! I know I haven't been around for a while but I really do miss all of you. I have been occasionally reading your blogs and posts. It's kind of hard to read about this lifestyle right now.
Here's the deal..........
Mr. D and I have been struggling, really struggling. Our relationship is good, we are still in love with each other, that's not going to change. The struggle is the lifestyle. The struggle is living this lifestyle and being happy with it.
My first post was a year ago yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just yesterday but then again it seems like we've been on this journey for years. I really thought that we would be farther along in this journey. I'm not sure exactly where I thought we would be....but I definitely didn't think we would be where we're at.
I am trying to deal with these issues that seem to be popping up. I'm not having much luck, but I am trying. It's amazing how the past will just appear, even after you thought it was dealt with and or buried. But they are never far, they are never buried deep enough.
Mr. D and I went on a date last weekend. We went out to dinner and needed to do some talking. We had been fighting and just having a really hard time. Neither one of us seemed happy and we just needed to deal with it. We needed to take this head on and work it out. Some harsh things needed to be said and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.....but I NEEDED to.
I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I came to him with the suggestion of this lifestyle. He knew I wanted a change in our relationship, something different and he said he was willing to take this journey together. I opened myself up to him, told him what I wanted, was vulnerable as hell and I felt like he was just dismissing how I felt.
We had gone back to the way things used to be, before this journey started. I was unhappy but I told him that I would take him anyway I could get him. If he wanted to go back to the way it was then he needed to let me know. Whatever his decision was, I just needed to know.
He knew me well enough to know that if he decided to go back to the old days....yea I would stay with him, I would love him but I probably wouldn't be happy. He couldn't stand that. He wanted to do whatever he could to make me happy.
On our date he had asked me if I thought I would be happy if we went back to the old days. I answered him truthfully.....I don't know!
He said that in the past 20 years he has loved me deep, hard and passionate. But he doesn't think I loved him the same, in return. He agrees that I loved him, but not deep, hard and passionate. He believes that I loved him and cared about him but was not IN love with him.
I listened to him, thought about what he said. My heart ached, ached for him. I told him I thought he was right. I asked him if he knew that's how I felt then why would he stay. He said because he loved me enough for the both of us and knew that I would fall in love with him. That broke my heart. But again he was right.
I told him that I think I loved him as much as I was capable of. I don't think at the time I could really truly love anyone. But I loved him as much as I could. I told him that I didn't think I was capable of loving him like he deserved and that I didn't feel like I deserved his love. He said I can and do love him......and yes I did deserve his love.
These issues and of course my mother issues, are preventing me from taking this journey. I can't get past these. I can't get HER out of my head. I can't get rid of her......she is always there. This makes me sabotage things when they are good.
As soon as Mr. D starts acting like the HOH/Dom/Sir I challenge him. I push him to see if he's really in this. I push him to see if he's going to back down. He said he knew when I brought this to him in the beginning that it was going to cause problems for us.
"Where's the happiness in this? When will we be happy taking this journey? We are always fighting and you're always crying. Instead of having fun when we go out, we are talking about this, AGAIN. Please tell me, where is the happiness in this?"
We stayed and talked for about an hour. We left the restaurant and walked around the courtyard outside, still talking. He brought up some of my issues from the past. I cried most of the evening but I felt like we were getting somewhere.
We kept getting interrupted by other people, so we walked over to a bench that was kind of away from everything and everyone.
We sat down and started talking some more. All of a sudden I saw it. I saw the transformation happening right in front of my face. It was strange...I had never seen it before.
He was so calm.
He was so at ease.
He was so in control.
He was the HOH!
I had never seen him act like this before. In 20 years, I never saw him so in control. It was amazing. His mannerisms, his face, his body language......calm, cool and collected. He said everything that I needed to hear. Everything that needed to be said. He didn't baby me, he didn't cater to me. He dug deep. It was painful.
The entire time I was sitting on that bench, watching this transformation in front of me.....I was so at peace. I was crying....sometimes sobbing, sometimes speaking barley above a whisper. But I was ............. calm.
I'm not sure I can even describe what I was feeling
I just felt peaceful
Like I could just let go
Let go of everything
Give myself to him
Trust him that he would and could take care of me
I felt free
I think in that moment, sitting there on that bench.....I truly loved him with my whole heart. With no reservations.
Thanks to a blogger friend and her advice, comments and suggestions, we are working to try and walk this path. We both want this. Neither of us wants to go back to the past. So we've dug our feet in and are going to fight. We're going to fight for us.
It's only been a little over a week since our talk. But I know for me I feel different. I feel like I can trust him a little more. I feel that I can give a little more of myself to him. I am looking forward to the day when I can give all of myself to him.......freely!
Thank you Mr. D for loving me deep, hard and passionate!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Something More........
If you're reading this post you must have made it through my last post.............bless you!
So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH
So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.
Until.........I started thinking!
And talking!
And emailing!
Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!
Come on Subrina....show us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!
This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.
I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe? Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.
I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?
You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.
But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.
In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.
"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"
"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"
"I'm not sure that's true"
"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."
"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"
We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!
During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.
She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.
But I should have never been told things she told me.
"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.
I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My excuse.....it wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.
Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept me....how am I going to let him?
Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.
When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.
Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.
I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.
Subrina <3
So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH
So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.
Until.........I started thinking!
And talking!
And emailing!
Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!
Come on Subrina....show us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!
This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.
I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe? Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.
I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?
You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.
But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.
In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.
"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"
"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"
"I'm not sure that's true"
"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."
"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"
We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!
During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.
She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.
But I should have never been told things she told me.
"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.
I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My excuse.....it wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.
Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept me....how am I going to let him?
Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.
When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.
Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.
I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.
Subrina <3
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Something.....
I know I have been absent for a while. I haven't been reading any blogs nor I have I been blogging. I'm kind of in a weird place right now and not sure where to go from here. But before I get into this post can I just say that I really miss all of you. I miss seeing how your all doing, how your TTWD is going. I miss "talking" to you.
I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!
Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am) and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.
Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD. We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling programming.......kids went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.
Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!
He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.
I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?
I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me wrong....my love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.
In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!
Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?
My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.
Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?
Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.
I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.
We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they were....in our face and needed to be dealt with.
My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?
I just hope we can get past this....................together!
Subrina <3
P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!
I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!
Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am) and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.
Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD. We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling programming.......kids went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.
Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!
He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.
I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?
I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me wrong....my love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.
In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!
Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?
My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.
Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?
Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.
I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.
We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they were....in our face and needed to be dealt with.
My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?
I just hope we can get past this....................together!
Subrina <3
P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!
Friday, December 13, 2013
Vaginal vs Clitoral Orgasm
If you have been following my blog at all, especially the last few days then you know that I have a couple of issues that I am dealing with. One of the issues is not being able to cum just by fucking. I need clit stimulation to have an orgasm. That's the way it has always been. I think I have used a vibe for so long that it is a little desensitized. I don't know....I could be wrong.
Last night Mr. D wanted to try again. OK, who am I to argue. Of course I was a good little girl and went along. It was similar to the other night but way more intense. I was so overwhelmed by the end I was in tears. You know the tears I'm talking about. The tears that just start flowing, you're not really sure why. It's not because you're sad or mad. What just happened was so intense and overwhelming the only thing left to do is cry.
Mr. D was amazing. He really tried to make me cum without using a vibe. He was in full blown Dom mode and was doing things that had me crawling across the bed. There were a few times, maybe several times that I was beyond teetering on the edge but never jumped off.
I'm driving to work this morning thinking about the last few days, especially last night. I had this thought in my head and wondered if it's possible or am I completely nuts. Here's where my brain went....
Just bare with me, I'm going to try and get this out and make as much sense as possible. Is it possible that I did cum and just didn't know it or realize it? There were probably 3 different times that I could hardly keep see straight. They were very specific moments and had me feeling .....I don't know.....different! Good....but different.
Here's how my crazy thoughts came up with this. I am used to having an orgasm with my vibrator. I don't think ever in my life have I had an orgasm just by fucking. Is there a difference when you cum with a vibe as it is when you fuck? I mean, when I cum with the vibe I get this warm wave over my entire body, I get a tingle in my body and then it happens. I want to scream and yell and sometimes my body shakes. But is it different when you cum just by fucking?
Is there a difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm? Click on the link below to find out!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/difference-between-clitoral-and-vaginal-orgasm
How do you know if you have had an orgasm?? Click on the link below to find the answer!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/am-i-having-orgasm
If you read the information in the links, which by the way was very interesting, you will see that I'm not completely nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong....I definitely would fit in at a nut house. But this does make me feel better knowing that not everyone can have an orgasm just by fucking!
Last night Mr. D wanted to try again. OK, who am I to argue. Of course I was a good little girl and went along. It was similar to the other night but way more intense. I was so overwhelmed by the end I was in tears. You know the tears I'm talking about. The tears that just start flowing, you're not really sure why. It's not because you're sad or mad. What just happened was so intense and overwhelming the only thing left to do is cry.
Mr. D was amazing. He really tried to make me cum without using a vibe. He was in full blown Dom mode and was doing things that had me crawling across the bed. There were a few times, maybe several times that I was beyond teetering on the edge but never jumped off.
I'm driving to work this morning thinking about the last few days, especially last night. I had this thought in my head and wondered if it's possible or am I completely nuts. Here's where my brain went....
Just bare with me, I'm going to try and get this out and make as much sense as possible. Is it possible that I did cum and just didn't know it or realize it? There were probably 3 different times that I could hardly keep see straight. They were very specific moments and had me feeling .....I don't know.....different! Good....but different.
Here's how my crazy thoughts came up with this. I am used to having an orgasm with my vibrator. I don't think ever in my life have I had an orgasm just by fucking. Is there a difference when you cum with a vibe as it is when you fuck? I mean, when I cum with the vibe I get this warm wave over my entire body, I get a tingle in my body and then it happens. I want to scream and yell and sometimes my body shakes. But is it different when you cum just by fucking?
Is there a difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm? Click on the link below to find out!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/difference-between-clitoral-and-vaginal-orgasm
How do you know if you have had an orgasm?? Click on the link below to find the answer!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/am-i-having-orgasm
If you read the information in the links, which by the way was very interesting, you will see that I'm not completely nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong....I definitely would fit in at a nut house. But this does make me feel better knowing that not everyone can have an orgasm just by fucking!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Don't Think, Just Feel
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.
"OK, then let's talk about it"
One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!
"So, what's bothering you?"
"I don't like taking my shirt off"
"I know"
WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?
I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.
"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."
I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.
"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"
Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."
In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.
"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"
How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!
"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"
"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."
"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"
How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.
He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.
I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.
"I'm going to teach you how to just feel....no thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"
Mr. D,
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.
Subrina <3
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.
"OK, then let's talk about it"
One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!
"So, what's bothering you?"
"I don't like taking my shirt off"
"I know"
WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?
I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.
"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."
I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.
"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"
Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."
In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.
"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"
How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!
"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"
"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."
"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"
How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.
He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.
I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.
"I'm going to teach you how to just feel....no thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"
Mr. D,
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.
Subrina <3
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I Can't
The door is locked.
The lights are off.
The toy box is open.
He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.
I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.
We are like teenagers making out.
"Get your clothes off"
I take off my panties.
"Get your shirt off"
Shit just got real!
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"
He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.
"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"
He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.
Then he slides a finger in me.
He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside. Over and over.
He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".
He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.
The lights are off.
The toy box is open.
That familiar pull is in the air.
He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.
I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.
We are like teenagers making out.
"Get your clothes off"
I take off my panties.
"Get your shirt off"
Shit just got real!
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"
I do as I'm told.
He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.
"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"
He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.
Then he slides a finger in me.
He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside. Over and over.
I am lost in him. Our bodies becoming tangled in heat and passion.
He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".
He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.
Then I feel it, he slides a dildo in my pussy. He slides it in slow and deep. He is pushing me to the edge.
"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"
He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again
"I want you to cum"
"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"
He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again
"I want you to cum"
I want to. I can feel my body building up to it. I'm right on the edge. Waiting and wanting to be pushed over.
"I can't. I can't"
"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"
I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.
I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.
"I can't. I can't"
He gets the plug-in-vibe out.
I hear it.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz
He puts in on my clit.
It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.
He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.
When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
To be continued.............
"I can't. I can't"
"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"
I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.
I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.
"I can't. I can't"
He gets the plug-in-vibe out.
I hear it.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz
He puts in on my clit.
It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.
He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.
When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
To be continued.............
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Hmmmmm That's New
I haven't written in a while. I have been having a hard time lately. OK wait, who am I kidding, I have been having a hard time from the gate! I think I have this submissive thing figured out, even just a little and then I realize I have no clue! UGH
It's the same ol same ol. I don't think he's being very "dommy" and then I feel like I can't be submissive if he's not doing his part. It's a vicious cycle. I have been talking to a fellow blogger and she has given me such great advice. (Thank you so much I don't know what I would do without you!) Do I always listen....of course not. I think I know everything and can figure it out on my own. HAHAHAHA What a joke!
You need to work on your submission and stop worrying what he's doing. You need to learn that submission is not about what you want when you want it.....it's what you need when you need it. And that my friend is up to him. You think he's not being "dommy"....open your eyes and pay attention. He is, your just not seeing it. You want everything right now, on your time.
A couple of nights ago Mr. D wanted me to suck his cock and it was going to be just for him. I was only to please him. (I know, we've been here before) OK, I have no problem with this. I really don't. But I fought him. I didn't want to do it. I was tired and it was kind of late, I just wanted to go to sleep. I pleaded my case but he was having none of it. UGH whatever! I finally did what he asked and when I was done (well, he was done!) I had this strange feeling. This strange feeling of peace. I felt so at ease, so happy that I had pleased him. And I didn't want anything in return. Hmmm that's new!
Later we talked about it and he said that I'm very selfish. I always want things my way, when I want them and how I want them. (Well, DUH! I'm an only child and the oldest grandchild) He said I need to learn to be more giving and do things to please him just for the sake of pleasing him. Not trying to get something out of it. OK wait....is he acting "dommy"? Is he telling me something that I don't want to hear? Is he telling me something that might hurt my feelings? Is he taking control and trying to teach me? Hmmmm that's new!
Here I am thinking that he doesn't act like a Dom or HOH. He doesn't really want to do this, he's just doing it because I want him to. He only does it for a little while when I have brought it up. And then he goes and does something like this. Hmmm that's new!
I guess I just need to pay more attention!
Subrina <3
It's the same ol same ol. I don't think he's being very "dommy" and then I feel like I can't be submissive if he's not doing his part. It's a vicious cycle. I have been talking to a fellow blogger and she has given me such great advice. (Thank you so much I don't know what I would do without you!) Do I always listen....of course not. I think I know everything and can figure it out on my own. HAHAHAHA What a joke!
You need to work on your submission and stop worrying what he's doing. You need to learn that submission is not about what you want when you want it.....it's what you need when you need it. And that my friend is up to him. You think he's not being "dommy"....open your eyes and pay attention. He is, your just not seeing it. You want everything right now, on your time.
A couple of nights ago Mr. D wanted me to suck his cock and it was going to be just for him. I was only to please him. (I know, we've been here before) OK, I have no problem with this. I really don't. But I fought him. I didn't want to do it. I was tired and it was kind of late, I just wanted to go to sleep. I pleaded my case but he was having none of it. UGH whatever! I finally did what he asked and when I was done (well, he was done!) I had this strange feeling. This strange feeling of peace. I felt so at ease, so happy that I had pleased him. And I didn't want anything in return. Hmmm that's new!
Later we talked about it and he said that I'm very selfish. I always want things my way, when I want them and how I want them. (Well, DUH! I'm an only child and the oldest grandchild) He said I need to learn to be more giving and do things to please him just for the sake of pleasing him. Not trying to get something out of it. OK wait....is he acting "dommy"? Is he telling me something that I don't want to hear? Is he telling me something that might hurt my feelings? Is he taking control and trying to teach me? Hmmmm that's new!
Here I am thinking that he doesn't act like a Dom or HOH. He doesn't really want to do this, he's just doing it because I want him to. He only does it for a little while when I have brought it up. And then he goes and does something like this. Hmmm that's new!
I guess I just need to pay more attention!
Subrina <3
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends. I hope you all enjoy the day with family and friends. I have so much to be thankful for. My family is healthy and happy. We all get to spend the day together. And I have all of you that give me so much support.
I hope after all of the food is eaten, the desserts are done and everyone is safe and sound at home, you find the key to your lock! Then you will have something else to be thankful for!
If you do not celebrate this day......please stop reading this and unlock the lock already!!!
Dominic and Subrina <3
I hope after all of the food is eaten, the desserts are done and everyone is safe and sound at home, you find the key to your lock! Then you will have something else to be thankful for!
If you do not celebrate this day......please stop reading this and unlock the lock already!!!
Dominic and Subrina <3
Friday, November 22, 2013
Happy Birthday
Today is Mr. D's birthday. He loves his birthdays, just as if it were Christmas. His mom has always made a big deal about all of their birthdays. I, on the other hand was not raised like that. My birthday was really just another day. I mean she did buy me presents but that was about it. It was not a big hoopla.
I have a hard time making a big deal when it's his birthday. I know it's not fair to him, especially because he loves this day. Tonight we are all going out to dinner. Him and I, our 3 boys, the girlfriends and his mom. He is picking the restaurant, which happens to be my favorite, so I'm excited. I'm sure we will have a great time. We are a really close family and usually have fun when we hang out! I will give him his present later tonight.......
Mr. D.........I want to wish you a very happy birthday. I am so glad that you picked me to share your life with. You are my life, my world, the air that I breathe and I'm so excited to share many more birthdays with you.
I Love You
Happy Birthday My Love!
Subrina <3
I have a hard time making a big deal when it's his birthday. I know it's not fair to him, especially because he loves this day. Tonight we are all going out to dinner. Him and I, our 3 boys, the girlfriends and his mom. He is picking the restaurant, which happens to be my favorite, so I'm excited. I'm sure we will have a great time. We are a really close family and usually have fun when we hang out! I will give him his present later tonight.......
Mr. D.........I want to wish you a very happy birthday. I am so glad that you picked me to share your life with. You are my life, my world, the air that I breathe and I'm so excited to share many more birthdays with you.
I Love You
Happy Birthday My Love!
Subrina <3
Monday, November 18, 2013
I Trust Him
I don't know where to begin. I am feeling weird. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days. I can't explain what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm not feeling like I normally do.
This past weekend Mr. D and I went to our middle sons band competition. At these comps we have quite a bit of time to ourselves, as long as our little one doesn't go with us. Mr. D and I got into an argument on the way to the comp....it was about an hour drive. He ALWAYS complains about this but He was bitching about my driving and I kind of snapped at him. I felt he was attacking me. If I can make up an excuse.....I think Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I get very emotional.
We get to the comp not really speaking to each other. My feelings are hurt and I'm mad. He's mad because I yelled at him. We are cordial to each other during the comp....about 3+ hours. We are walking back to the car and he says "hey" and he wants me to stop. We are standing on the corner.
"I want to apologize to you. I wasn't complaining but you worry me."
I just stared at him. I never said a word, I just looked up at him and listened. He went on to tell me that he worries about me. I take a lot of chances and drive a little crazy. I finally spoke and told him that I drive no different than I always have. For some reason he now is scared.
We didn't really resolve anything but I did appreciate him apologizing. We drove home, he slept and I had my own little concert in the car! We got home really late. We both got undressed and knocked out.
On Sunday I slept almost the whole day. I'm not sure if I slept because I was feeling kind of sad, mad, upset, depressed or because I think that stupid bitch is coming for a visit! Either way, he pretty much left me alone and let me do my thing. I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. That's when you know there is something wrong!!
He's been bugging me as to what is wrong. I have a hard time telling him when I'm not even sure myself. What do I say? Today we talked and he admitted some pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure he wants me to share but the role reversals and changes have really made an impact.
It seems the more control I give up, the more he takes. (isn't that what's supposed to happen) Which is what I wanted. But I think it has him a little nervous. He is so used to living "wherever the day takes me". Now he is taking responsibility for things, he is making decisions and it scares the hell out him. I think he is feeling vulnerable and not sure what to do with that.
On the other side of it.....the more he takes control, the more I give up. When we were talking today I realized that I am acting different. I am acting like "wherever the day takes me" and he is the one in control, he's safe, he's conservative, he's somewhat calculated. I, on the other hand, am living a little more on the edge, a little more wild, a little more free. And it's scaring the hell out of me (and him too!)
The shift in our relationship is very noticeable. Well, I think it is! I feel like I can give up more control because I know he is going to be there to keep me safe, to protect me, to make sure everything is ok. I trust him. WOW....did I just say that out loud? Holy shit! I. trust. him! I. TRUST. him! I trust HIM! OMG that feels so amazing to say and believe it! I really do trust him!
In the past, I didn't feel that. I didn't trust him. I wasn't able to let go and live. I wasn't able to feel secure enough to let go. Now, I feel like I can do that. Now I feel like I can be wild and free and .......still feel safe!
oh my gawd...............
I
TRUST
HIM
Subrina <3
This past weekend Mr. D and I went to our middle sons band competition. At these comps we have quite a bit of time to ourselves, as long as our little one doesn't go with us. Mr. D and I got into an argument on the way to the comp....it was about an hour drive. He ALWAYS complains about this but He was bitching about my driving and I kind of snapped at him. I felt he was attacking me. If I can make up an excuse.....I think Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I get very emotional.
We get to the comp not really speaking to each other. My feelings are hurt and I'm mad. He's mad because I yelled at him. We are cordial to each other during the comp....about 3+ hours. We are walking back to the car and he says "hey" and he wants me to stop. We are standing on the corner.
"I want to apologize to you. I wasn't complaining but you worry me."
I just stared at him. I never said a word, I just looked up at him and listened. He went on to tell me that he worries about me. I take a lot of chances and drive a little crazy. I finally spoke and told him that I drive no different than I always have. For some reason he now is scared.
We didn't really resolve anything but I did appreciate him apologizing. We drove home, he slept and I had my own little concert in the car! We got home really late. We both got undressed and knocked out.
On Sunday I slept almost the whole day. I'm not sure if I slept because I was feeling kind of sad, mad, upset, depressed or because I think that stupid bitch is coming for a visit! Either way, he pretty much left me alone and let me do my thing. I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. That's when you know there is something wrong!!
He's been bugging me as to what is wrong. I have a hard time telling him when I'm not even sure myself. What do I say? Today we talked and he admitted some pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure he wants me to share but the role reversals and changes have really made an impact.
It seems the more control I give up, the more he takes. (isn't that what's supposed to happen) Which is what I wanted. But I think it has him a little nervous. He is so used to living "wherever the day takes me". Now he is taking responsibility for things, he is making decisions and it scares the hell out him. I think he is feeling vulnerable and not sure what to do with that.
On the other side of it.....the more he takes control, the more I give up. When we were talking today I realized that I am acting different. I am acting like "wherever the day takes me" and he is the one in control, he's safe, he's conservative, he's somewhat calculated. I, on the other hand, am living a little more on the edge, a little more wild, a little more free. And it's scaring the hell out of me (and him too!)
The shift in our relationship is very noticeable. Well, I think it is! I feel like I can give up more control because I know he is going to be there to keep me safe, to protect me, to make sure everything is ok. I trust him. WOW....did I just say that out loud? Holy shit! I. trust. him! I. TRUST. him! I trust HIM! OMG that feels so amazing to say and believe it! I really do trust him!
In the past, I didn't feel that. I didn't trust him. I wasn't able to let go and live. I wasn't able to feel secure enough to let go. Now, I feel like I can do that. Now I feel like I can be wild and free and .......still feel safe!
oh my gawd...............
I
TRUST
HIM
Subrina <3
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Changes
Since we started this lifestyle i have noticed changes. Changes in us. Sometimes the changes are so subtle i wonder if we have changed at all. Other times the changes are so blatant it smacks you right in the face.
TTWD changes your relationship or dynamic. It brings a deeper connection to him. It makes you look deep inside yourself. It makes you realize who you are, good or bad (I will get back to this....stay with me) and what makes you tick.
Mr. D has really put in an effort to be the Sir i want him to be. Whatever that is....im not even sure myself. We have many years of relationship habits that we are trying to change. Its not always easy. But he does it. Everything i have asked of him so far, he has either tried, has made the changes or is trying to change. i may not get what i want when i want it....but i do get it......eventually!
Last night he decided he was going to pull out his Dom-HOH card. He said that i was going to suck his dick.
Ok sure...no problem! i love pleasing him!
Now you all know that when you suck his dick, it not only gets him hot, but it does something to you too. The more i can make him growl, the more i can make him grab my hair and move me where he wants me, the more i can make his toes curl.....the wetter i get.
Right ladies? Who's with me?
I suck his dick until he cums. He goes to the bathroom to clean up. He climbs back in bed, gives me a kiss and says "good girl". I know you will all understand this....those two little words will make you weak in the knees. Isn't that what we live for....those two little words with a big meaning?
OK YAY...now my turn!
He turns on the tv and starts watching it.
OK YAY...now my turn!
He turns on the tv and starts watching it.
WHOA! WHOA! Wait.....what's going on? Hello? Over here....wet......happy.....ready.......good girl......remember?
And ladies and gentleman here lies the problem.
Submission isn't about me. It isn't about what I want. It isn't about when I want it. It isn't about what he can do for me. But yet, here I am being as selfish as possibly can be. I follow another blog and she has posted that she isn't allowed to use I or me. At first I didn't understand, I just read her blog and gave support when I could. But now.....I get it! I totally get why that is her rule. This journey is not all about me. (I hope I can remember this when I'm acting bratty)
I talked to him this morning while I was at work. I told him I was mad when I went to bed last night. He chuckled and asked why. I knew he knew why I was mad. I said it was because I missed a show I wanted to watch. He knew that was a lie...I don't watch tv. He said he knew why I was mad, but last night was about him and for him.
I didn't say anything else about it. But all day at work I thought about it. I thought how selfish I was. How selfish I acted. Why couldn't I just do something for him? Not want anything in return. Why did I have to get something in return? Wasn't it enough to just please him? Why am I so selfish?
I am an only child. I am the oldest grandchild by 4 years. I have always had things handed to me and done for me. During our entire marriage Mr. D continued that pattern. He has always been so good to me and treated me like a princess. I am used to getting my way. I am used to him giving in to me.
Last night he didn't. I was mad. But more than being mad at him I had so much respect for him and I was so proud of him. My va jay jay wasn't to happy but my heart was beyond ecstatic. He told me that he really wanted to give in to me, he knew I was wet and wanting. But he needed to show his dominance. He needed to show change.
I am an only child. I am the oldest grandchild by 4 years. I have always had things handed to me and done for me. During our entire marriage Mr. D continued that pattern. He has always been so good to me and treated me like a princess. I am used to getting my way. I am used to him giving in to me.
Last night he didn't. I was mad. But more than being mad at him I had so much respect for him and I was so proud of him. My va jay jay wasn't to happy but my heart was beyond ecstatic. He told me that he really wanted to give in to me, he knew I was wet and wanting. But he needed to show his dominance. He needed to show change.
Subrina <3
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Love Our Lurkers
Happy LOL Day!!
I started this as many of you have. I would read the blogs but never comment. Then one day I decided to come out from the shadows and comment. I was scared and nervous. What if they didn't accept me? what if they judged me? What if my family and real life friends found out?
What if?
I finally decided to post a comment and I'm so glad I did. This community is so accepting, so embracing and they never judge anyone.
I have made some great friendships here. I have got some really good advice and great support. It always amazes me that people are interested in my life, but i truly appreciate all that read my blog.
I love meeting new people. I love reading your comments. If you read my blog and havent commented, today is your day! Just say "hi"! I dont bite, i promise! Who knows, it might be the start of a great friendship!!
Happy Lurkers Day. I trully appreciate all of you!!
Subrina <3
UH OH Results
If you read the post before this you know that I missed my 11:30 text. Mr. D did not miss that I missed it. He called me on his lunch and let me know he was fully aware of the missed text.
Oh man.....I'm in trouble!
I was really conflicted on how I felt about it.
On one hand I was so excited that he noticed and was calling me out on it. He was being the HOH that I have been asking for. He was sticking to his guns. He was acting like he was going to follow through with this. He seemed like he had full intentions on spanking me.
On the other hand I was hoping that he would forget. OK actually my ass was hoping he would forget and just give in to me. If he was serious and had intentions of following through with this, that meant I was getting spanked.
I was so torn about trying to get out of this. I so wanted to put on my pouty face, bat my eyes at him, and raise up my halo. I knew I could talk him out of this and would get my way. I got this! But then this voice in my head was screaming shut up! You wanted this, you asked for this......own up to it and take what you got coming to you.
Mr. D came home and I was asleep.......remember my nap!! He let me sleep and went about doing what he does. He was cooking dinner when I finally woke up. I went to the kitchen to say hi and see if he needed help. We finished cooking and then ate dinner. Neither one of us brought up the elephant in the room.
Dinner was over and I went back to our bedroom. I was still tired from my nap and laid down on the bed. I grabbed my phone and was reading my emails. When he comes in the door I was reading the comments from some of you on my UH OH post. I was laughing out loud (thank you Misty and HS!!) and Mr. D comes in the room and grins at me. He sits down on the bed. I immediately go to him and want to lay with him, on his chest.
He's not buying it!
"Are you ready?"
I don't know why, but I felt this was the time to show him one of the comments that said
"Honestly, Mr. D, lay into her ass! She needs it. Don't let her fool you or talk you out of it."
He didn't read beyond those words. He smiled and handed me my phone back. Got up off the bed and asked again if I was ready.
Do I play stupid? Do I try and talk my way out of this? Can I try and be cute?
"You now you missed your text today and you know what that means?"
*as cute as I can be* "I love you baby!"
*chuckling* "I love you too. Now come over here and kneel over the bed"
"But baby I love you" *he knows exactly what I'm doing*
"Subrina....get over here now"
The whole time this is going on I am giggling and he is really trying to hide his smile. We are both kind of laughing but trying to get through it. It is still very awkward for both of us. But he seems to be sticking to it.
I him and hah about it, telling him I don't want to do this.
"Subrina....now!" and he points to the floor by the bed
I kind of roll around the bed and finally get on the floor.
He says he's going to give me 2 spankings because I missed my text today. I was shaking my head and telling him no, I didn't want to do this.
Two? That's it? WOW I'm getting off easy....SWEET!
He put his hand on my back and then...............
WHACK!
WHACK!
I just kind of sat there for a few seconds and then crawled up the bed. He laid down next to me and I laid on his chest. He held me and asked if I was ok.
I was ok.
I was more than ok.
I know I said this the last time but it still baffles me. I feel completely at peace. I feel so much closer to him. I feel so calm and so.....um.....just......peaceful. I don't know how to explain it.
I have read from some of you that when you get a spanking it's like a reset. I never understood what it meant. I could never wrap my brain around it.
Until now!
I get it! I understand it! I get bratty, disrespectful, trying to do things my own way, trying to top from the bottom. And then he steps up and takes care of things, of me.
Now I have been "reset" and I can't tell you how strange, peaceful, and calm I feel. Not to mention how much closer or more connected I feel to him. After it happened, I just laid in his arms, listening to him talk. Not really understanding what he was saying, but just listening to him. I felt like I was floating. I have this tingling feeling all over. I felt like I was drunk!
Can TTWD really be this good? Is it possible to keep getting better? Is it possible to keep feeling closer to him? Just when I think he's not stepping up or being what I want him to be.....he totally throws me a curve ball. I guess if I just learn some patience, let him lead and do this on his time......I will always have this feeling. I may not be getting what I want when I want it......but I am getting what I need when I need it!
Subrina <3
Oh man.....I'm in trouble!
I was really conflicted on how I felt about it.
On one hand I was so excited that he noticed and was calling me out on it. He was being the HOH that I have been asking for. He was sticking to his guns. He was acting like he was going to follow through with this. He seemed like he had full intentions on spanking me.
On the other hand I was hoping that he would forget. OK actually my ass was hoping he would forget and just give in to me. If he was serious and had intentions of following through with this, that meant I was getting spanked.
I was so torn about trying to get out of this. I so wanted to put on my pouty face, bat my eyes at him, and raise up my halo. I knew I could talk him out of this and would get my way. I got this! But then this voice in my head was screaming shut up! You wanted this, you asked for this......own up to it and take what you got coming to you.
Mr. D came home and I was asleep.......remember my nap!! He let me sleep and went about doing what he does. He was cooking dinner when I finally woke up. I went to the kitchen to say hi and see if he needed help. We finished cooking and then ate dinner. Neither one of us brought up the elephant in the room.
Dinner was over and I went back to our bedroom. I was still tired from my nap and laid down on the bed. I grabbed my phone and was reading my emails. When he comes in the door I was reading the comments from some of you on my UH OH post. I was laughing out loud (thank you Misty and HS!!) and Mr. D comes in the room and grins at me. He sits down on the bed. I immediately go to him and want to lay with him, on his chest.
He's not buying it!
"Are you ready?"
I don't know why, but I felt this was the time to show him one of the comments that said
"Honestly, Mr. D, lay into her ass! She needs it. Don't let her fool you or talk you out of it."
He didn't read beyond those words. He smiled and handed me my phone back. Got up off the bed and asked again if I was ready.
Do I play stupid? Do I try and talk my way out of this? Can I try and be cute?
"You now you missed your text today and you know what that means?"
*as cute as I can be* "I love you baby!"
*chuckling* "I love you too. Now come over here and kneel over the bed"
"But baby I love you" *he knows exactly what I'm doing*
"Subrina....get over here now"
The whole time this is going on I am giggling and he is really trying to hide his smile. We are both kind of laughing but trying to get through it. It is still very awkward for both of us. But he seems to be sticking to it.
I him and hah about it, telling him I don't want to do this.
"Subrina....now!" and he points to the floor by the bed
I kind of roll around the bed and finally get on the floor.
He says he's going to give me 2 spankings because I missed my text today. I was shaking my head and telling him no, I didn't want to do this.
Two? That's it? WOW I'm getting off easy....SWEET!
He put his hand on my back and then...............
WHACK!
WHACK!
I just kind of sat there for a few seconds and then crawled up the bed. He laid down next to me and I laid on his chest. He held me and asked if I was ok.
I was ok.
I was more than ok.
I know I said this the last time but it still baffles me. I feel completely at peace. I feel so much closer to him. I feel so calm and so.....um.....just......peaceful. I don't know how to explain it.
I have read from some of you that when you get a spanking it's like a reset. I never understood what it meant. I could never wrap my brain around it.
Until now!
I get it! I understand it! I get bratty, disrespectful, trying to do things my own way, trying to top from the bottom. And then he steps up and takes care of things, of me.
Now I have been "reset" and I can't tell you how strange, peaceful, and calm I feel. Not to mention how much closer or more connected I feel to him. After it happened, I just laid in his arms, listening to him talk. Not really understanding what he was saying, but just listening to him. I felt like I was floating. I have this tingling feeling all over. I felt like I was drunk!
Can TTWD really be this good? Is it possible to keep getting better? Is it possible to keep feeling closer to him? Just when I think he's not stepping up or being what I want him to be.....he totally throws me a curve ball. I guess if I just learn some patience, let him lead and do this on his time......I will always have this feeling. I may not be getting what I want when I want it......but I am getting what I need when I need it!
Subrina <3
Monday, November 11, 2013
UH OH
I know most of you are aware of my texting rule. I am supposed to text Mr. D everyday (mon-thur) at 11:30. I have my alarm set for this so I don't forget. Sometimes I get into a jam with this rule because I drive for a living. At this time of the day I am always driving so it can be challenging.
Today Mr. D had to work but I didn't, well I didn't have to drive. I did go into work for a few hours but I wasn't driving. I was in the office talking to the HR manager when my 11:30 alarm went off. I hit the red X on my phone and went on about my conversation.
I will text him as soon as she stops talking! I don't want to be rude and text while she is talking
We finish our conversation and I go on about my business. I finish up what I was doing and head home. I can't wait to get home and take a nap, I am sooooo tired. I don't know why but I am. I get home and see that it's almost 1:00....Mr. D will be calling me pretty soon....so my nap will have to wait!
My phone rings at 1:00.
"Hey baby, watcha doin?"
"Nothing, just got home from work and going to take a nap"
"OH OK, go ahead and take a nap, we'll talk when I get home."
hhhhmmmm we'll talk when he gets home? Why? What's wrong with him? Why is he cutting the call short? He never does that. And what's with the tone in his voice?
"Baby what's wrong.....is everything ok?"
"Yea it's fine.....We'll talk when I get home"
Not I'll talk to you when I get home.....WE'LL talk when I get home. There's a difference!
"Are you sure everything is ok?'
"Check your text messages at 11:30, what do you see?"
"We'll talk when I get home! Bye, I love you"
"OOPSIE" *giggles*
"But today is a holiday baby. I didn't have to work. I thought it was only regular days?"
"It's Mon - Thur, you know that. We'll talk when I get home"
Let's see what happens when he gets home. Here I have been complaining that I want him to stick to his guns and do what he says he's going to do. hhhmmmmmm Not so much!Now I'm kinda hopin he forgets or doesn't follow through, well my ass is hopin!
Go ahead and say it.....go on. I know, you're right!
Watch what you wish for cuz you just might get it!
Oh man....how could I be so stupid? UGH!
Subrina <3
Today Mr. D had to work but I didn't, well I didn't have to drive. I did go into work for a few hours but I wasn't driving. I was in the office talking to the HR manager when my 11:30 alarm went off. I hit the red X on my phone and went on about my conversation.
I will text him as soon as she stops talking! I don't want to be rude and text while she is talking
We finish our conversation and I go on about my business. I finish up what I was doing and head home. I can't wait to get home and take a nap, I am sooooo tired. I don't know why but I am. I get home and see that it's almost 1:00....Mr. D will be calling me pretty soon....so my nap will have to wait!
My phone rings at 1:00.
"Hey baby, watcha doin?"
"Nothing, just got home from work and going to take a nap"
"OH OK, go ahead and take a nap, we'll talk when I get home."
hhhhmmmm we'll talk when he gets home? Why? What's wrong with him? Why is he cutting the call short? He never does that. And what's with the tone in his voice?
"Baby what's wrong.....is everything ok?"
"Yea it's fine.....We'll talk when I get home"
Not I'll talk to you when I get home.....WE'LL talk when I get home. There's a difference!
"Are you sure everything is ok?'
"Check your text messages at 11:30, what do you see?"
"We'll talk when I get home! Bye, I love you"
"OOPSIE" *giggles*
"But today is a holiday baby. I didn't have to work. I thought it was only regular days?"
"It's Mon - Thur, you know that. We'll talk when I get home"
Let's see what happens when he gets home. Here I have been complaining that I want him to stick to his guns and do what he says he's going to do. hhhmmmmmm Not so much!
Go ahead and say it.....go on. I know, you're right!
Watch what you wish for cuz you just might get it!
Oh man....how could I be so stupid? UGH!
Subrina <3
Sunday, November 10, 2013
This Is Us
Here are some silly questions that someone sent me. I thought it would be fun to answer them with Mr. D. We actually answered them separately, not seeing the others answer until I typed it here! They are really corny! You will see that he just answers the questions with no explanation. I, on the other hand, have to give some explanation. Maybe it's just a guy thing.....just the facts! Anyway.......this is us!
1. What would your husband say was the last thing that made him give you "the look"?
Me: My driving.....we have issues here!
Him: Being a smart ass
2. What part of his body does he talk about the most?
Me: His belly!
Him: Arms/tattoos (yea he does talk about his arms and tats too)
3. If you could burn one thing of his and not get in trouble, what would it be?
Me: His cigarettes. I really wish he would quit! UGH I kinda like him and want to keep him around
Him: Cigarettes
4. What shape would he say best describes your ass? A) apple, B) pear, C) pancake, D) never noticed....too distracted
Me: B) pear
Him: A) apple
5. Nothing makes her brattier than......
Me: PMS sometimes I can't stand to be around myself!
Him: When she doesn't get her way (ouch.......he's right!)
6. If my family knew we were in a spanking relationship they would be A) mortified, B) be intrigued and ask questions, C) high five Him and tell him it's about time!
Me: I don't have any family and I don't like his....but his would be absolutely A) mortified. His friends would probably give him a high five and tell him finally!!!
Him: A) mortified
7. When my husband does _________, I wish I could spank my mother in law.
Me: Gives in and doesn't stick to his guns.....she's the exact same way!
Him: Acts like an ass
8. When having sex my husbands theme song should be A) I will Survive, B) Dancing with myself, C) Wake me up before you go go, D) Shook me all night long
Me: If I had to pick from this list I would pick D) Shook me all night long. But if I could pick my own song it would be Bump and Grind from R. Kelly HAHA!
Him: D) Shook me all night long
9. If _________ was an Olympic sport, my husband would win the gold.
Me: The quickest shower
Him: I don't know, being a good husband? (he is a GREAT husband)
10. Two words that best describe my husband are _________ and _________.
Me: Amazing and Faithfull
Him: Loving and Romantic (these are very true too!)
11. Two words that sum up my wife are _________ and ____________.
Me: crazy and talkative
Him: bratty and smartass (blushing hehehe)
12. What's your wife's theme song?
Me: Hard to Love by Lee Brice. I'm always telling him I'm hard to love but he makes it look so easy
Him: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd.....not all of the lyrics
13. Even before TTWD, I wanted to spank my wife when she did ___________
Me: wouldn't stop talking when it was time to leave
Him: acted like a brat (hmmmm I'm starting to see a pattern here)
14. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would spank my wife with __________
Me: His hand! We just started spanking (we did it once) and it's still really awkward
Him: my hand
15. My wife is so adorable when she _____________
Me: sings in the car
Him: sings in the car (I almost cried when I read this. I was shocked that he came up with the same exact answer I did)
16. Often when I give my wife "the look", I'm really thinking __________
Me: If she doesn't shut the hell up........
Him: I'm about to beat her ass
17. Besides her ass, my wife's greatest asset is __________
Me: boobs
Him: face
18. If you knew you wouldn't get caught, where is the one place that you would like to have sex?
Me: the Red Room of Pain!!! LOL j/k I guess I would have to say somewhere I could be as loud as I wanted to be!!!
Him: the beach
19. What is the first thing that attracted you to her?
Me: my ass! I don't think we ever planned on being together.....we were just gonna have fun
Him: Her personality
Hope you had fun reading these. I know we had fun answering them.
Dominic & Subrina <3
1. What would your husband say was the last thing that made him give you "the look"?
Me: My driving.....we have issues here!
Him: Being a smart ass
2. What part of his body does he talk about the most?
Me: His belly!
Him: Arms/tattoos (yea he does talk about his arms and tats too)
3. If you could burn one thing of his and not get in trouble, what would it be?
Me: His cigarettes. I really wish he would quit! UGH I kinda like him and want to keep him around
Him: Cigarettes
4. What shape would he say best describes your ass? A) apple, B) pear, C) pancake, D) never noticed....too distracted
Me: B) pear
Him: A) apple
5. Nothing makes her brattier than......
Me: PMS sometimes I can't stand to be around myself!
Him: When she doesn't get her way (ouch.......he's right!)
6. If my family knew we were in a spanking relationship they would be A) mortified, B) be intrigued and ask questions, C) high five Him and tell him it's about time!
Me: I don't have any family and I don't like his....but his would be absolutely A) mortified. His friends would probably give him a high five and tell him finally!!!
Him: A) mortified
7. When my husband does _________, I wish I could spank my mother in law.
Me: Gives in and doesn't stick to his guns.....she's the exact same way!
Him: Acts like an ass
8. When having sex my husbands theme song should be A) I will Survive, B) Dancing with myself, C) Wake me up before you go go, D) Shook me all night long
Me: If I had to pick from this list I would pick D) Shook me all night long. But if I could pick my own song it would be Bump and Grind from R. Kelly HAHA!
Him: D) Shook me all night long
9. If _________ was an Olympic sport, my husband would win the gold.
Me: The quickest shower
Him: I don't know, being a good husband? (he is a GREAT husband)
10. Two words that best describe my husband are _________ and _________.
Me: Amazing and Faithfull
Him: Loving and Romantic (these are very true too!)
11. Two words that sum up my wife are _________ and ____________.
Me: crazy and talkative
Him: bratty and smartass (blushing hehehe)
12. What's your wife's theme song?
Me: Hard to Love by Lee Brice. I'm always telling him I'm hard to love but he makes it look so easy
Him: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd.....not all of the lyrics
13. Even before TTWD, I wanted to spank my wife when she did ___________
Me: wouldn't stop talking when it was time to leave
Him: acted like a brat (hmmmm I'm starting to see a pattern here)
14. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would spank my wife with __________
Me: His hand! We just started spanking (we did it once) and it's still really awkward
Him: my hand
15. My wife is so adorable when she _____________
Me: sings in the car
Him: sings in the car (I almost cried when I read this. I was shocked that he came up with the same exact answer I did)
16. Often when I give my wife "the look", I'm really thinking __________
Me: If she doesn't shut the hell up........
Him: I'm about to beat her ass
17. Besides her ass, my wife's greatest asset is __________
Me: boobs
Him: face
18. If you knew you wouldn't get caught, where is the one place that you would like to have sex?
Me: the Red Room of Pain!!! LOL j/k I guess I would have to say somewhere I could be as loud as I wanted to be!!!
Him: the beach
19. What is the first thing that attracted you to her?
Me: my ass! I don't think we ever planned on being together.....we were just gonna have fun
Him: Her personality
Hope you had fun reading these. I know we had fun answering them.
Dominic & Subrina <3
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
The "C" Word
The "C" word. You know that word that we all struggle with? That word that is hard to hear and even harder to do? It's the one thing in a TTWD or D/s relationship that you can't live without....yup you guessed it..........
If you read my blog yesterday you will know that Mr. D and I didn't have such a great evening.
I was embarrassed.
I was really pissed off.
I was even more disappointed.
I came to blogland to vent.
You said I need to communicate.
UGH!
You said that he's human.
WHOA!
You said he's not perfect.
WHOA!
You said he's going to make mistakes.
WHAT!
Yup....it's true! He is human, he's not perfect and he did make a mistake. Thank you all so kindly for pointing that out!
Does that mean I don't love him......HELL NO! In fact, I think I love him even more today than I did the day before.
I took your advice and I Communicated! It took me a while to open up, and he didn't push. He let me be mad and just left me alone. We went to bed last night not talking which we both hate. But I was so mad and disappointed at him last night I really didn't want to talk to him. And I don't think he really knew what to say, so he left it alone.
I didn't know what to say. I was afraid that if I started talking I would not use my brain-to-mouth filter. I would be rude, mean and disrespectful. I just didn't think me talking would help the matter any. So I did what I do best and said nothing. He did what he does best, doesn't push and just kind of paces around and tries to talk to me. I stay quiet and he just gives up.
He tried again this morning. He called me at work but I just wasn't ready to talk. We ended the conversation and that was that. He called me later and now I was ready to talk. I had a bus full of students so I couldn't raise my voice or act like a fool. I think it was better that way. I had to stay in control and watch what I said.
I told him pretty much what I wrote in my last blog. He agreed with me...said he was disappointed in himself as well. (go ahead....you can say I told ya so!) He said that he let the struggle of the game just keep building up and building up....then our son "got hurt" and that was it. He's not sure what happened, he just saw red and reacted.
Mr. D hasn't done this in a very long time. It kind of took him by surprise too. I didn't know this, but when we got home he text one of the coaches and apologized to him for the way he acted. The coach was accepting of his apology and said they (the team and other coach) loved our son and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.
It's amazing what a little communication, some writing and really good advice can do for you! I really feel much better now that we have talked about it. I am so proud of him for understanding what he did. I'm even more proud of him that he regrets it and wishes it had never happened. I am proud of him that he sees his mistake and doesn't want it to happen again. In the past that would have NEVER happened.
He is human, he's not perfect and he will make mistakes! And I love him more and more!
For those of you that made comments, you don't know how much I appreciated your input and helping me see a different side to it. I truly value all of your opinions. I don't think I could get through TCTWD (This Crazy Thing We Do) without all of you. You all are so supportive and even though I might not want to hear it......you usually don't sugar coat things. Thank you so much!
Subrina <3
If you read my blog yesterday you will know that Mr. D and I didn't have such a great evening.
I was embarrassed.
I was really pissed off.
I was even more disappointed.
I came to blogland to vent.
You said I need to communicate.
UGH!
You said that he's human.
WHOA!
You said he's not perfect.
WHOA!
You said he's going to make mistakes.
WHAT!
Yup....it's true! He is human, he's not perfect and he did make a mistake. Thank you all so kindly for pointing that out!
Does that mean I don't love him......HELL NO! In fact, I think I love him even more today than I did the day before.
I took your advice and I Communicated! It took me a while to open up, and he didn't push. He let me be mad and just left me alone. We went to bed last night not talking which we both hate. But I was so mad and disappointed at him last night I really didn't want to talk to him. And I don't think he really knew what to say, so he left it alone.
I didn't know what to say. I was afraid that if I started talking I would not use my brain-to-mouth filter. I would be rude, mean and disrespectful. I just didn't think me talking would help the matter any. So I did what I do best and said nothing. He did what he does best, doesn't push and just kind of paces around and tries to talk to me. I stay quiet and he just gives up.
He tried again this morning. He called me at work but I just wasn't ready to talk. We ended the conversation and that was that. He called me later and now I was ready to talk. I had a bus full of students so I couldn't raise my voice or act like a fool. I think it was better that way. I had to stay in control and watch what I said.
I told him pretty much what I wrote in my last blog. He agreed with me...said he was disappointed in himself as well. (go ahead....you can say I told ya so!) He said that he let the struggle of the game just keep building up and building up....then our son "got hurt" and that was it. He's not sure what happened, he just saw red and reacted.
Mr. D hasn't done this in a very long time. It kind of took him by surprise too. I didn't know this, but when we got home he text one of the coaches and apologized to him for the way he acted. The coach was accepting of his apology and said they (the team and other coach) loved our son and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.
It's amazing what a little communication, some writing and really good advice can do for you! I really feel much better now that we have talked about it. I am so proud of him for understanding what he did. I'm even more proud of him that he regrets it and wishes it had never happened. I am proud of him that he sees his mistake and doesn't want it to happen again. In the past that would have NEVER happened.
He is human, he's not perfect and he will make mistakes! And I love him more and more!
For those of you that made comments, you don't know how much I appreciated your input and helping me see a different side to it. I truly value all of your opinions. I don't think I could get through TCTWD (This Crazy Thing We Do) without all of you. You all are so supportive and even though I might not want to hear it......you usually don't sugar coat things. Thank you so much!
Subrina <3
Monday, November 4, 2013
How Can I Trust Him
I haven't posted in a few days. I was talking to a blog friend and she asked if everything was ok. This was sooooo sweet because she has a lot going on with her right now and dealing with some difficult things. And even though her head is spinning she thought of me. Thank you so much, you don't know how much that meant to me.
I did tell her that everything was actually going well. I had a thought for a post but was still trying to work out how and what exactly to say. I wasn't sure. Well......now I have a post and I know exactly what to say!
Mr. D and I have been getting along so well. We have talked about some things. We have talked about things we might want to try. I really think we're headed in the right direction and I'm excited. Things have been really good!
Tonight my youngest had a flag football game. Mr. D kind of coaches but he mainly helps out. He just wants to be a parent on the team. We had a dad that stepped up to coach so Mr. D just gets to enjoy the game. We don't have a very good team, we struggle most games. The team we were playing tonight is pretty good and we have known them for years. But we were on our game tonight. We were giving them a run for their money. We were losing but playing well!
The refs were really bad tonight, not calling anything. And if your kids have ever played sports you know that when your team is losing the refs calls seem to get worse and definitely not in your favor. Mr. D has a reputation of being hot tempered during games. Well tonight was no different.
I thought we had gotten past this. I thought this was left in the past. He has really been different since we started TTWD. He seemed more in control of his emotions. He didn't really seem to let these little things bother him. And I have been so proud of him. But unfortunately past practice always seems to rear it's ugly head.
Our son (kind of) got hurt in tonight's game. Not really bad.....and he is a major drama queen! I mean he's-gonna-win-an-Emmy-one-day drama queen. He was getting hammered and hurt his shoulder. He grabbed his shoulder and bent over like he was dying. Mr. D went out to the field to see if he was OK and as soon as he got out there my son started to cry. Well, that's all Mr. D needed to see!
He kind of tosses my son to the side (not like throwing him, just kind of moving him) and the ref tried to get in front of him and he pushed him to the side. He storms across the field to the other side of the field yelling at the whole sidelines and then gets in the coaches face. I have no idea what he said nor do I care. The ref is yelling "if he goes over there you will forfeit this game" OK like that mattered....we were losing anyways!!!
As soon as I saw him take off across the field I yelled his name. He completely ignored me. I was tending to my son making sure he was ok. When you have a drama queen ya just never know if their really hurt or not!! So I have my arm around him and we leave the field and head to the car. Mr. D walks up and hands my son his tennis shoes and tells him to hold them. We continue to walk towards the snack shack and the parking lot. The other team goes running by us to the snack shack to get their snacks. Mr. D is walking and starts to take off his jacket.
OK why would he take off his jacket if we are leaving? He is going to do something stupid!
"We are going home. You can find your own ride!"
"What? I'm going home too? What are you talking about?" As he puts his jacket back on and had this WTF pissed off look on his face
I continue to walk with my son to the car. We drive home, get out of the car and go in the house. He is really pissed off. He comes storming in the door and goes to the bedroom. I go to the kitchen and clean up dinner dishes. We haven't spoken to each other yet and it's almost bed time.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling more. I am extremely embarrassed. We have played against this same team for 6 years now. They usually beat us in football and basketball and we go back and forth in baseball. I still can't believe he ran across the field and said I don't know even know. Really?
I'm just as pissed off as I am embarrassed. I seriously thought those days were behind us. He has changed so much since starting TTWD and I just feel like we have taken 20 steps backwards. He isn't talking to me and I really have nothing to say to him. I'm afraid to talk because I'm not sure of what I'll say. It's better to just keep to myself and not say anything. But I can tell he is a little nervous. He's not really sure what to do with him self. He's going in and out of the bedroom. I think he knows he screwed up and he's not sure what to do now.
More than being embarrassed and pissed off I am extremely disappointed. We have come so far in this lifestyle. He has really made some great changes within our marriage and personally. I am so proud of the changes he has made. But this........this just killed it. I feel like we are never going to be able to get where we were headed. I mean really, if he can't control his temper at our sons flag football game that means absolutely nothing....how can I trust him to lead us? How can I trust that he's going to make the best decisions for us? How can I trust him that when faced with something he's not going to lose his shit!
OMG the more I write about it the more hurt I get. I can't believe he acted like that. Really, how am I ever going to completely trust him in/with TTWD? I mean I am so hurt, mad, angry, pissed off, disappointed, shocked, embarrassed......UGH! I don't know even know what to say.
I need to go to bed.
I had a SHITTY day at work.
And now this.
Good night.
Subrina <3
I did tell her that everything was actually going well. I had a thought for a post but was still trying to work out how and what exactly to say. I wasn't sure. Well......now I have a post and I know exactly what to say!
Mr. D and I have been getting along so well. We have talked about some things. We have talked about things we might want to try. I really think we're headed in the right direction and I'm excited. Things have been really good!
Tonight my youngest had a flag football game. Mr. D kind of coaches but he mainly helps out. He just wants to be a parent on the team. We had a dad that stepped up to coach so Mr. D just gets to enjoy the game. We don't have a very good team, we struggle most games. The team we were playing tonight is pretty good and we have known them for years. But we were on our game tonight. We were giving them a run for their money. We were losing but playing well!
The refs were really bad tonight, not calling anything. And if your kids have ever played sports you know that when your team is losing the refs calls seem to get worse and definitely not in your favor. Mr. D has a reputation of being hot tempered during games. Well tonight was no different.
I thought we had gotten past this. I thought this was left in the past. He has really been different since we started TTWD. He seemed more in control of his emotions. He didn't really seem to let these little things bother him. And I have been so proud of him. But unfortunately past practice always seems to rear it's ugly head.
Our son (kind of) got hurt in tonight's game. Not really bad.....and he is a major drama queen! I mean he's-gonna-win-an-Emmy-one-day drama queen. He was getting hammered and hurt his shoulder. He grabbed his shoulder and bent over like he was dying. Mr. D went out to the field to see if he was OK and as soon as he got out there my son started to cry. Well, that's all Mr. D needed to see!
He kind of tosses my son to the side (not like throwing him, just kind of moving him) and the ref tried to get in front of him and he pushed him to the side. He storms across the field to the other side of the field yelling at the whole sidelines and then gets in the coaches face. I have no idea what he said nor do I care. The ref is yelling "if he goes over there you will forfeit this game" OK like that mattered....we were losing anyways!!!
As soon as I saw him take off across the field I yelled his name. He completely ignored me. I was tending to my son making sure he was ok. When you have a drama queen ya just never know if their really hurt or not!! So I have my arm around him and we leave the field and head to the car. Mr. D walks up and hands my son his tennis shoes and tells him to hold them. We continue to walk towards the snack shack and the parking lot. The other team goes running by us to the snack shack to get their snacks. Mr. D is walking and starts to take off his jacket.
OK why would he take off his jacket if we are leaving? He is going to do something stupid!
"We are going home. You can find your own ride!"
"What? I'm going home too? What are you talking about?" As he puts his jacket back on and had this WTF pissed off look on his face
I continue to walk with my son to the car. We drive home, get out of the car and go in the house. He is really pissed off. He comes storming in the door and goes to the bedroom. I go to the kitchen and clean up dinner dishes. We haven't spoken to each other yet and it's almost bed time.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling more. I am extremely embarrassed. We have played against this same team for 6 years now. They usually beat us in football and basketball and we go back and forth in baseball. I still can't believe he ran across the field and said I don't know even know. Really?
I'm just as pissed off as I am embarrassed. I seriously thought those days were behind us. He has changed so much since starting TTWD and I just feel like we have taken 20 steps backwards. He isn't talking to me and I really have nothing to say to him. I'm afraid to talk because I'm not sure of what I'll say. It's better to just keep to myself and not say anything. But I can tell he is a little nervous. He's not really sure what to do with him self. He's going in and out of the bedroom. I think he knows he screwed up and he's not sure what to do now.
More than being embarrassed and pissed off I am extremely disappointed. We have come so far in this lifestyle. He has really made some great changes within our marriage and personally. I am so proud of the changes he has made. But this........this just killed it. I feel like we are never going to be able to get where we were headed. I mean really, if he can't control his temper at our sons flag football game that means absolutely nothing....how can I trust him to lead us? How can I trust that he's going to make the best decisions for us? How can I trust him that when faced with something he's not going to lose his shit!
OMG the more I write about it the more hurt I get. I can't believe he acted like that. Really, how am I ever going to completely trust him in/with TTWD? I mean I am so hurt, mad, angry, pissed off, disappointed, shocked, embarrassed......UGH! I don't know even know what to say.
I need to go to bed.
I had a SHITTY day at work.
And now this.
Good night.
Subrina <3
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Givin It Up
Your probably here looking for a hot sex post with me, Mr. D and my new toy.....the wand! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This post has almost no sex in it, well no detailed description of any sex.
So if you're still with me......grab a drink and have a seat.....let's have some girl talk!
The weekend that Mr. D and I went away was amazing. Not only did we have great mind blowing sex (that's about all the sex talk you're gonna get in this one!!) but we had even better conversation.
On Saturday when we went to lunch we had a pretty deep conversation.
I realized that Mr. D and I have completely reversed roles. If I remember correctly it happened about 2 years ago. Not exactly sure why it happened. I guess I have kind of noticed it, but this past weekend the light bulb went off. It totally took me to a whole new place.
Let me rewind a little............
The past 18 years I have ALWAYS put the kids first. Anytime we went anywhere I would want to take the boys with us. If we ever went anywhere without them I would complain the whole time...."what about the boys?, I wish the boys were here" and so on. I would feel guilty if we ate out and they weren't with us. I always felt guilty when we did things without them. Mr. D would always tell me to not worry about it, enjoy myself. I never could let go. I always had them on my mind.
My boys are very active playing sports. I would NEVER NEVER EVER miss a game or practice. When my oldest went to college we would go to inner squad games and all home games. He plays adult softball and we never missed a game. My middle one plays the drums in his high school band. Band wasn't our thing, but we never miss a performance....even went to some practices. Same thing with my little one....we never miss any of his games.
Mr. D has coached all 3 boys in sports and I have managed all of their teams. We are extremely involved with their lives. Still to this day! We are a very very close family....the Fab Five! haha
I was the one that always planned ahead for things. I always made sure everything was taken care of, kids had jackets when we left the house. I could not live "where the day takes me". I couldn't be spontaneous. I worried about money. I took care of the homework with the kids. I disciplined them. I took care of the bills, called to get extensions, mad
e payment arrangements.
He was more of the wild one. He always had this attitude of "wherever the day takes me". He was so carefree. He never worried about anything. He just lived! He worried about tomorrow when tomorrow came. But today he was going to live in the moment.
Sex was almost non existent in our relationship. I was not a big fan of sex! I know I know.....it's crazy to even think that. But sadly it's true. Mr. D would beg and beg to have sex. He was lucky if we did it twice a month!! And then when I would agree, half the time it would be a hand job. To me sex was like doing the dishes....a chore!
Everything came first except Mr. D and our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we got along great. We have always loved each other. We have always had a great relationship and have been best friends.
"I'm soooooo sorry Mr. D for treating you like that all those years. Thank you for hanging in there and not giving up on me."
Fast forward to the here and now........WOW What a difference a year makes!
Now it's Mr. D that is the responsible one. He takes care of everything. He takes care of the bills, makes sure homework gets done. (I help with doing the homework). He is always thinking of the boys. Not that he didn't before....but now he thinks like I did. He is always saying "what about the boys".
I'm more the wild one now. I live for today, not really worrying too much about tomorrow. I'm not completely like he was.....but I definitely don't worry like I used to. The whole "cone and my car" thing....he told me that I was acting like a teenager, because I was kind of driving a little to fast and "playing" with the truck. He sometimes says he thinks I'm going through a mid life crisis. We bought a Scion XB for me and I have a sound system in it, I want to get it lowered and fix it up. I would rather go out to dinner with him and buy pizza for the boys!
So while we were having lunch on our weekend get away the light bulb went off. I started to cry
"Why are you crying?"
"I just realized that we have reversed roles and I'm ok with it."
I told him that not only have we reversed roles, but I have "given it up". I have given up my fears and concerns......to him. I have let him lead me and guide me. I am comfortable with his decision making. I have finally let go and given all of myself to him.
I can't even begin to tell you how strong I felt sitting there across the table from him. I was crying, not only because of the realization I had but the deep emotional and spiritual connection I felt to him in that moment. Something changed. I felt different. I felt at peace. And I couldn't have loved him more in that moment.
I wonder if our friends and family have noticed the change in us? Have they noticed that I am constantly hanging on him? Have they noticed that I always want to be near him? Have they noticed that we no longer argue? Have they noticed that we seem to be so in love with each other? Have they noticed the respect we show each other? Have they noticed that I ask permission for things now?
I've become very selfish with him now. I don't want to share him with anyone. Friends. Family. Kids. Work. Nobody. I want him all to myself! When we went on our weekend get away we missed our little ones tournament. That was the first time EVER that we have missed our kids events.
I don't feel guilty. I felt bad because he had no one there cheering him on. But we talked to him on the phone several times. But I completely enjoyed our weekend together. And I really wanted to stay longer.
This lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. It is so powerful when things are working. It is so powerful when you have these realizations. and I keep saying that I didn't think I could love him anymore...but damn I just keep falling. I go back and read my earlier posts and I never thought we would be where we are. I know we still have a long way to go....but I definitely know there is a change in us.......and all because I'm givin it up!
Subrina <3
So if you're still with me......grab a drink and have a seat.....let's have some girl talk!
The weekend that Mr. D and I went away was amazing. Not only did we have great mind blowing sex (that's about all the sex talk you're gonna get in this one!!) but we had even better conversation.
On Saturday when we went to lunch we had a pretty deep conversation.
I realized that Mr. D and I have completely reversed roles. If I remember correctly it happened about 2 years ago. Not exactly sure why it happened. I guess I have kind of noticed it, but this past weekend the light bulb went off. It totally took me to a whole new place.
Let me rewind a little............
The past 18 years I have ALWAYS put the kids first. Anytime we went anywhere I would want to take the boys with us. If we ever went anywhere without them I would complain the whole time...."what about the boys?, I wish the boys were here" and so on. I would feel guilty if we ate out and they weren't with us. I always felt guilty when we did things without them. Mr. D would always tell me to not worry about it, enjoy myself. I never could let go. I always had them on my mind.
My boys are very active playing sports. I would NEVER NEVER EVER miss a game or practice. When my oldest went to college we would go to inner squad games and all home games. He plays adult softball and we never missed a game. My middle one plays the drums in his high school band. Band wasn't our thing, but we never miss a performance....even went to some practices. Same thing with my little one....we never miss any of his games.
Mr. D has coached all 3 boys in sports and I have managed all of their teams. We are extremely involved with their lives. Still to this day! We are a very very close family....the Fab Five! haha
I was the one that always planned ahead for things. I always made sure everything was taken care of, kids had jackets when we left the house. I could not live "where the day takes me". I couldn't be spontaneous. I worried about money. I took care of the homework with the kids. I disciplined them. I took care of the bills, called to get extensions, mad
e payment arrangements.
He was more of the wild one. He always had this attitude of "wherever the day takes me". He was so carefree. He never worried about anything. He just lived! He worried about tomorrow when tomorrow came. But today he was going to live in the moment.
Sex was almost non existent in our relationship. I was not a big fan of sex! I know I know.....it's crazy to even think that. But sadly it's true. Mr. D would beg and beg to have sex. He was lucky if we did it twice a month!! And then when I would agree, half the time it would be a hand job. To me sex was like doing the dishes....a chore!
Everything came first except Mr. D and our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we got along great. We have always loved each other. We have always had a great relationship and have been best friends.
"I'm soooooo sorry Mr. D for treating you like that all those years. Thank you for hanging in there and not giving up on me."
Fast forward to the here and now........WOW What a difference a year makes!
Now it's Mr. D that is the responsible one. He takes care of everything. He takes care of the bills, makes sure homework gets done. (I help with doing the homework). He is always thinking of the boys. Not that he didn't before....but now he thinks like I did. He is always saying "what about the boys".
I'm more the wild one now. I live for today, not really worrying too much about tomorrow. I'm not completely like he was.....but I definitely don't worry like I used to. The whole "cone and my car" thing....he told me that I was acting like a teenager, because I was kind of driving a little to fast and "playing" with the truck. He sometimes says he thinks I'm going through a mid life crisis. We bought a Scion XB for me and I have a sound system in it, I want to get it lowered and fix it up. I would rather go out to dinner with him and buy pizza for the boys!
So while we were having lunch on our weekend get away the light bulb went off. I started to cry
"Why are you crying?"
"I just realized that we have reversed roles and I'm ok with it."
I told him that not only have we reversed roles, but I have "given it up". I have given up my fears and concerns......to him. I have let him lead me and guide me. I am comfortable with his decision making. I have finally let go and given all of myself to him.
I can't even begin to tell you how strong I felt sitting there across the table from him. I was crying, not only because of the realization I had but the deep emotional and spiritual connection I felt to him in that moment. Something changed. I felt different. I felt at peace. And I couldn't have loved him more in that moment.
I wonder if our friends and family have noticed the change in us? Have they noticed that I am constantly hanging on him? Have they noticed that I always want to be near him? Have they noticed that we no longer argue? Have they noticed that we seem to be so in love with each other? Have they noticed the respect we show each other? Have they noticed that I ask permission for things now?
I've become very selfish with him now. I don't want to share him with anyone. Friends. Family. Kids. Work. Nobody. I want him all to myself! When we went on our weekend get away we missed our little ones tournament. That was the first time EVER that we have missed our kids events.
I don't feel guilty. I felt bad because he had no one there cheering him on. But we talked to him on the phone several times. But I completely enjoyed our weekend together. And I really wanted to stay longer.
This lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. It is so powerful when things are working. It is so powerful when you have these realizations. and I keep saying that I didn't think I could love him anymore...but damn I just keep falling. I go back and read my earlier posts and I never thought we would be where we are. I know we still have a long way to go....but I definitely know there is a change in us.......and all because I'm givin it up!
Subrina <3
If I Didn't Have You
by Thompson Square
Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
Monday, October 28, 2013
Internal Conflict
Mr. D and I have been trying TTWD for about 8 months now. When we first started, and even up until about a month or so ago, we always said that we would never spank for punishment. When we would hear or read about couples spanking we both would agree that that just wasn't for us. We both agreed that we could never see us doing it. It would be too weird!
Fast forward to just a few days ago and I got my first spanking! If you haven't read my post about it you can here.
I have been having some issues since that first spanking the other day. I know it was the first one, and the first is probably the worst. It's the worst in that it's the first, so it's uncomfortable, strange, weird, foreign. For both of us. Here is my problem.......
I guess it really isn't up to me, that would be Mr. D's call. But I know if I said that I didn't want to do this Mr. D would be ok with it. But in all honesty, I want to do it. I want him to hold me accountable for things. If I don't comply then I want him to spank me.
Here's my issue or internal conflict.
I know we are consenting adults. We make our own decisions. We, as a married couple, have decided this is how we are going to live our marriage. We have talked about this issue at great length, we are both on the same page and we both agree on spanking.
Yet why is it that I feel like I am doing something wrong? Why do I feel the need to hide our real relationship? Why do I hope nobody finds out what we do? Why can't I share with friends how we live our life?
Is it because society tells us this isn't how it's supposed to be? Because my mom taught me that you never let a man tell you what to do, let alone spank you? This isn't how married couples are supposed to act? Spankings are for children that behave badly?
Does it really matter to anyone what Mr. D and I do behind closed doors and in the privacy of our own marriage? As long as we are not hurting each other or anyone else, what is it any business of anyone else's?
When I got that spanking I had such a deep feeling of connection with Mr. D. I can't really explain it, but I just felt so close to him and so at peace. Like there had been a weight lifted off of me. It was as if I had given everything to him. Don't get me wrong, the spanking hurt and I'm not looking forward to doing it again. It probably doesn't help that I'm a big baby when it comes to pain. But as soon as it was done and he laid down with me and we talked, it was so peaceful, I felt so peaceful.
So why the internal conflict? I want to share TTWD with everyone! I want everyone to know how great it felt to get that spanking and the release it gave me. But society has taught us that it's not normal. That spanking your wife should not be allowed.
Well you know what I say......
If what we do makes us both happy, we are not hurting each other or anyone else....then we are going to continue to do this. When we both have decided that we no longer want to do this, or we both feel that it's not working in our relationship, then we will stop. But we are definitely not going to stop because there are people out there with closed minds and think that this is wrong.
I think the world would be a better place if people would not judge others. Just because one couple lives a certain way or does things a certain way doesn't mean they are wrong. It just works for them. It's not my place to judge anyone on what they do behind closed doors or anything else for that matter.
Internal conflict over!
Subrina <3
Fast forward to just a few days ago and I got my first spanking! If you haven't read my post about it you can here.
I have been having some issues since that first spanking the other day. I know it was the first one, and the first is probably the worst. It's the worst in that it's the first, so it's uncomfortable, strange, weird, foreign. For both of us. Here is my problem.......
I guess it really isn't up to me, that would be Mr. D's call. But I know if I said that I didn't want to do this Mr. D would be ok with it. But in all honesty, I want to do it. I want him to hold me accountable for things. If I don't comply then I want him to spank me.
Here's my issue or internal conflict.
I know we are consenting adults. We make our own decisions. We, as a married couple, have decided this is how we are going to live our marriage. We have talked about this issue at great length, we are both on the same page and we both agree on spanking.
Yet why is it that I feel like I am doing something wrong? Why do I feel the need to hide our real relationship? Why do I hope nobody finds out what we do? Why can't I share with friends how we live our life?
Is it because society tells us this isn't how it's supposed to be? Because my mom taught me that you never let a man tell you what to do, let alone spank you? This isn't how married couples are supposed to act? Spankings are for children that behave badly?
Does it really matter to anyone what Mr. D and I do behind closed doors and in the privacy of our own marriage? As long as we are not hurting each other or anyone else, what is it any business of anyone else's?
When I got that spanking I had such a deep feeling of connection with Mr. D. I can't really explain it, but I just felt so close to him and so at peace. Like there had been a weight lifted off of me. It was as if I had given everything to him. Don't get me wrong, the spanking hurt and I'm not looking forward to doing it again. It probably doesn't help that I'm a big baby when it comes to pain. But as soon as it was done and he laid down with me and we talked, it was so peaceful, I felt so peaceful.
So why the internal conflict? I want to share TTWD with everyone! I want everyone to know how great it felt to get that spanking and the release it gave me. But society has taught us that it's not normal. That spanking your wife should not be allowed.
Well you know what I say......
If what we do makes us both happy, we are not hurting each other or anyone else....then we are going to continue to do this. When we both have decided that we no longer want to do this, or we both feel that it's not working in our relationship, then we will stop. But we are definitely not going to stop because there are people out there with closed minds and think that this is wrong.
I think the world would be a better place if people would not judge others. Just because one couple lives a certain way or does things a certain way doesn't mean they are wrong. It just works for them. It's not my place to judge anyone on what they do behind closed doors or anything else for that matter.
Internal conflict over!
Subrina <3
Sunday, October 27, 2013
A New Toy
We have quite a collection in our "toy box". Usually when we get a new toy we go together and pick it out. We will have an idea of what we want when we go, but we almost always pick it out together.
Yesterday I had to take a trip to San Diego for work. So I called Mr. D during my drive so we could talk. Not about anything specific, just to talk! I asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to the store. I asked him what he was getting and he said just picking up something.
hhhmmmm OK.....he's probably at the "toy" store.
I get home from work and we are cuddling on the bed. He starts kissing me and rubbing my back.
"I bought you something today"
"You did, what did you buy me"
"It's a surprise, I'll show you later tonight"
Since I think he went to the "toy" store and he bought me something.....I'm getting excited! I kind of have a feeling I know what it is. We have talked about them but I have always been a little apprehensive about getting one. And since we just tried to do it last weekend I ASSumed it was a buttplug. pun intended!
We went out to dinner with him mom. Came home had a few drinks after dinner. I was doing stuff on the computer. Finally the kids are asleep, or at least in their rooms. Mr. D comes in our room and sits next to me on the bed. He asks what I'm doing, I tell him reading blogs! HAHA you guys are never very far away!! I shared some of the things I was reading. I could tell he was getting antsy and like he had something to tell me. But I go on about my business.
He finally says I want to show you what I got you today. I told him I thought I knew what it was. He said, no you don't know. So I tell him to show me. He goes to the door and locks it. (yes we finally got a lock on our door!!) When the door is locked I know what's about to happen.
He gets the "toy box" out of the closet. Gets the key to unlock the lock and turns around and grins at me. He is holding my new toy!! I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I am beyond excited now for the door being locked, but a little nervous too.
Yesterday I had to take a trip to San Diego for work. So I called Mr. D during my drive so we could talk. Not about anything specific, just to talk! I asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to the store. I asked him what he was getting and he said just picking up something.
hhhmmmm OK.....he's probably at the "toy" store.
I get home from work and we are cuddling on the bed. He starts kissing me and rubbing my back.
"I bought you something today"
"You did, what did you buy me"
"It's a surprise, I'll show you later tonight"
Since I think he went to the "toy" store and he bought me something.....I'm getting excited! I kind of have a feeling I know what it is. We have talked about them but I have always been a little apprehensive about getting one. And since we just tried to do it last weekend I ASSumed it was a buttplug. pun intended!
We went out to dinner with him mom. Came home had a few drinks after dinner. I was doing stuff on the computer. Finally the kids are asleep, or at least in their rooms. Mr. D comes in our room and sits next to me on the bed. He asks what I'm doing, I tell him reading blogs! HAHA you guys are never very far away!! I shared some of the things I was reading. I could tell he was getting antsy and like he had something to tell me. But I go on about my business.
He finally says I want to show you what I got you today. I told him I thought I knew what it was. He said, no you don't know. So I tell him to show me. He goes to the door and locks it. (yes we finally got a lock on our door!!) When the door is locked I know what's about to happen.
He gets the "toy box" out of the closet. Gets the key to unlock the lock and turns around and grins at me. He is holding my new toy!! I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I am beyond excited now for the door being locked, but a little nervous too.
This is my new toy and in my favorite color!!!!
I have heard about the "wand". I have heard how intense it can be. So now I am excited but nervous too. Am I going to be able to handle the intensity of it? Well, I guess I'm about to find out!! He tells me to get my cloths off and lay on the bed. I do what he says but the anxiety is taking over. I am giddy with excitement.
He starts playing with me, rubbing me all over, kissing me and telling me that he can't wait to use my new toy on me. He has that low throaty sexy growl when he talks to me. Gawd I love that sound. I especially love it when he's close to my ear. Oh Sweet Jesus!
And then I hear it.
BUZZZZZZZZ
He tells me it has 10 different speeds and he's going to use all of them.
OH. MY. GAWD.
He touched my clit with the wand and I almost jumped off the bed. I pushed his hands away. He smacked my ass and told me to keep my hands away. I was begging him to stop. It was so intense. I can't describe the feeling, but it was amazing. The "wand" along with his hands and his low sexy voice in my ear calling me his whore and slut. It was beyond anything I could handle. But that didn't stop him. I was crawling up the bed to get away from him but of course, he wasn't having it. He smacked my ass.
"Where are you going, get back over here"
whimpers
smack "Don't move again"
"OH MY GAWD pleeeeeeeease"
I can't even think straight. He is relentless with that thing. He just keeps coming at me with it. And then he puts another toy in me. I don't know how much more I can take. I am a quivering mess. He moves the dildo slowly in...out...in....out and never letting up on my clit with the wand. He changes speeds and moves it around. I am beyond hot and completely lost.
Low, throaty, deep growl "That's a good lil whore....you can take it"
"Oh please Sir....pleeeeeease"
Low, throaty, deep growl "Please what? Please stop? Please harder? What do you want you lil slut"
I'm not sure what I want. I can't even process information. I can't form any kind of sentence except "please Sir" and "oh my gawd". I just know that what he's doing to me is beyond anything I have ever experienced.
He keeps up his relentless assault and I can't take it anymore. He knows I'm getting close and he pushes me. He does what he wants and takes what he wants.
Low, throaty, deep growl "Cum, I want you to cum you lil whore, give it up to me, give it all to me"
And that was my undoing. I completely lost it. That one little sentence can push me right over the edge, and he knows it. It was one of the hottest nights we've ever had.
Needless to say I love love love my new toy. If you don't have one of these little gems, you need to get one! Seriously.....it is beyond words!
Subrina <3
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