If you're reading this post you must have made it through my last post.............bless you!
So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH
So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.
Until.........I started thinking!
Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!
Come on Subrina....show us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!
This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.
I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe? Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.
I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?
You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.
But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.
In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.
"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"
"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"
"I'm not sure that's true"
"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."
"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"
We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!
During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.
She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.
But I should have never been told things she told me.
"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.
I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My excuse.....it wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.
Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept me....how am I going to let him?
Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.
When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.
Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.
I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.