Thursday, February 13, 2014

Deep, Hard & Passionate

Hi Everyone! I know I haven't been around for a while but I really do miss all of you. I have been occasionally reading your blogs and posts. It's kind of hard to read about this lifestyle right now.

Here's the deal..........

Mr. D and I have been struggling, really struggling. Our relationship is good, we are still in love with each other, that's not going to change. The struggle is the lifestyle. The struggle is living this lifestyle and being happy with it.

My first post was a year ago yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just yesterday but then again it seems like we've been on this journey for years. I really thought that we would be farther along in this journey. I'm not sure exactly where I thought we would be....but I definitely didn't think we would be where we're at.

I am trying to deal with these issues that seem to be popping up. I'm not having much luck, but I am trying. It's amazing how the past will just appear, even after you thought it was dealt with and or buried. But they are never far, they are never buried deep enough.

Mr. D and I went on a date last weekend. We went out to dinner and needed to do some talking. We had been fighting and just having a really hard time. Neither one of us seemed happy and we just needed to deal with it. We needed to take this head on and work it out. Some harsh things needed to be said and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.....but I NEEDED to.

I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I came to him with the suggestion of this lifestyle. He knew I wanted a change in our relationship, something different and he said he was willing to take this journey together. I opened myself up to him, told him what I wanted, was vulnerable as hell and I felt like he was just dismissing how I felt.

We had gone back to the way things used to be, before this journey started. I was unhappy but I told him that I would take him anyway I could get him. If he wanted to go back to the way it was then he needed to let me know. Whatever his decision was, I just needed to know.

He knew me well enough to know that if he decided to go back to the old days....yea I would stay with him, I would love him but I probably wouldn't be happy. He couldn't stand that. He wanted to do whatever he could to make me happy.

On our date he had asked me if I thought I would be happy if we went back to the old days. I answered him truthfully.....I don't know!

He said that in the past 20 years he has loved me deep, hard and passionate. But he doesn't think I loved him the same, in return. He agrees that I loved him, but not deep, hard and passionate. He believes that I loved him and cared about him but was not IN love with him.

I listened to him, thought about what he said. My heart ached, ached for him. I told him I thought he was right. I asked him if he knew that's how I felt then why would he stay. He said because he loved me enough for the both of us and knew that I would fall in love with him. That broke my heart. But again he was right.

I told him that I think I loved him as much as I was capable of. I don't think at the time I could really truly love anyone. But I loved him as much as I could. I told him that I didn't think I was capable of loving him like he deserved and that I didn't feel like I deserved his love. He said I can and do love him......and yes I did deserve his love.

These issues and of course my mother issues, are preventing me from taking this journey. I can't get past these. I can't get HER out of my head. I can't get rid of her......she is always there. This makes me sabotage things when they are good.

As soon as Mr. D starts acting like the HOH/Dom/Sir I challenge him. I push him to see if he's really in this. I push him to see if he's going to back down. He said he knew when I brought this to him in the beginning that it was going to cause problems for us.

"Where's the happiness in this? When will we be happy taking this journey? We are always fighting and you're always crying. Instead of having fun when we go out, we are talking about this, AGAIN. Please tell me, where is the happiness in this?"

We stayed and talked for about an hour. We left the restaurant and walked around the courtyard outside, still talking. He brought up some of my issues from the past. I cried most of the evening but I felt like we were getting somewhere.

We kept getting interrupted by other people, so we walked over to a bench that was kind of away from everything and everyone.

We sat down and started talking some more. All of a sudden I saw it. I saw the transformation happening right in front of my face. It was strange...I had never seen it before.

He was so calm.

He was so at ease.

He was so in control.

He was the HOH!

I had never seen him act like this before. In 20 years, I never saw him so in control. It was amazing. His mannerisms, his face, his body language......calm, cool and collected.  He said everything that I needed to hear. Everything that needed to be said. He didn't baby me, he didn't cater to me. He dug deep. It was painful.

The entire time I was sitting on that bench, watching this transformation in front of me.....I was so at peace. I was crying....sometimes sobbing, sometimes speaking barley above a whisper. But I was ............. calm.

I'm not sure I can even describe what I was feeling
I just felt peaceful
Like I could just let go
Let go of everything
Give myself to him
Trust him that he would and could take care of me
I felt free

I think in that moment, sitting there on that bench.....I truly loved him with my whole heart. With no reservations.

Thanks to a blogger friend and her advice, comments and suggestions, we are working to try and walk this path. We both want this. Neither of us wants to go back to the past. So we've dug our feet in and are going to fight. We're going to fight for us.

It's only been a little over a week since our talk. But I know for me I feel different. I feel like I can trust him a little more. I feel that I can give a little more of myself to him. I am looking forward to the day when I can give all of myself to him.......freely!

Thank you Mr. D for loving me deep, hard and passionate!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Something More........

If you're reading this post you must have made it through my last post.............bless you!

So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH

So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.

Until.........I started thinking!

And talking!

And emailing!

Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!

Come on us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!

This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.

I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe?  Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.

I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?

You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.

But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.

"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"

"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"

"I'm not sure that's true"

"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."

"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"

We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!

During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.

She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.

But I should have never been told things she told me.

"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.

I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.

Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept am I going to let him?

Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.

When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.

Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.

I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.

Subrina <3

Sunday, January 12, 2014


I know I have been absent for a while. I haven't been reading any blogs nor I have I been blogging. I'm kind of in a weird place right now and not sure where to go from here. But before I get into this post can I just say that I really miss all of you. I miss seeing how your all doing, how your TTWD is going. I miss "talking" to you.

I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!

Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am)  and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.

Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD.  We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.

Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!

He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.

I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?

I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.

In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!

Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?

My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.

Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?

Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.

I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.

We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they our face and needed to be dealt with.

My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?

I just hope we can get past this....................together!

Subrina <3

P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!