Friday, December 13, 2013

Vaginal vs Clitoral Orgasm

If you have been following my blog at all, especially the last few days then you know that I have a couple of issues that I am dealing with. One of the issues is not being able to cum just by fucking. I need clit stimulation to have an orgasm. That's the way it has always been. I think I have used a vibe for so long that it is a little desensitized. I don't know....I could be wrong.

Last night Mr. D wanted to try again. OK, who am I to argue. Of course I was a good little girl and went along. It was similar to the other night but way more intense. I was so overwhelmed by the end I was in tears. You know the tears I'm talking about. The tears that just start flowing, you're not really sure why. It's not because you're sad or mad. What just happened was so intense and overwhelming the only thing left to do is cry.

Mr. D was amazing. He really tried to make me cum without using a vibe. He was in full blown Dom mode and was doing things that had me crawling across the bed. There were a few times, maybe several times that I was beyond teetering on the edge but never jumped off.

I'm driving to work this morning thinking about the last few days, especially last night. I had this thought in my head and wondered if it's possible or am I completely nuts. Here's where my brain went....

Just bare with me, I'm going to try and get this out and make as much sense as possible. Is it possible that I did cum and just didn't know it or realize it? There were probably 3 different times that I could hardly keep see straight. They were very specific moments and had me feeling .....I don't know.....different! Good....but different.

Here's how my crazy thoughts came up with this. I am used to having an orgasm with my vibrator. I don't think ever in my life have I had an orgasm just by fucking. Is there a difference when you cum with a vibe as it is when you fuck? I mean, when I cum with the vibe I get this warm wave over my entire body, I get a tingle in my body and then it happens. I want to scream and yell and sometimes my body shakes. But is it different when you cum just by fucking?

Is there a difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm? Click on the link below to find out!

How do you know if you have had an orgasm?? Click on the link below to find the answer!

If you read the information in the links, which by the way was very interesting, you will see that I'm not completely nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong....I definitely would fit in at a nut house. But this does make me feel better knowing that not everyone can have an orgasm just by fucking!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Don't Think, Just Feel

"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I couldn't cum"

"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"

"I love you Mr, D"

"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"

We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.

"OK, then let's talk about it"

One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!

"So, what's bothering you?"

"I don't like taking my shirt off"

"I know"

WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?

I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.

"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"

"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."

I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.

"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"

 Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."

In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.

"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"

How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!

"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"

"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."

"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"

How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.

He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.

I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.

"I'm going to teach you how to just thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"

Mr. D,
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.

Subrina <3

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I Can't

The door is locked.

The lights are off.

The toy box is open.

That familiar pull is in the air. 

He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.

I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.

We are like teenagers making out.

"Get your clothes off"

I take off my panties.

"Get your shirt off"

Shit just got real!

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"

I do as I'm told.

He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.

"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"

He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.

Then he slides a finger in me. 

He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside.  Over and over.

I am lost in him. Our bodies becoming tangled in heat and passion.

He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".

He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.

Then I feel it, he slides a dildo in my pussy. He slides it in slow and deep. He is pushing me to the edge.

"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"

He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again

"I want you to cum"

I want to. I can feel my body building up to it. I'm right on the edge. Waiting and wanting to be pushed over.

"I can't. I can't"

"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"

I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.

I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.

"I can't. I can't"

He gets the plug-in-vibe out.

I hear it.


He puts in on my clit.

It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.

He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.

When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.

"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I couldn't cum"

"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"

"I love you Mr, D"

"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"

To be continued.............


Sunday, December 8, 2013

Hmmmmm That's New

I haven't written in a while. I have been having a hard time lately. OK wait, who am I kidding, I have been having a hard time from the gate! I think I have this submissive thing figured out, even just a little and then I realize I have no clue! UGH

It's the same ol same ol. I don't think he's being very "dommy" and then I feel like I can't be submissive if he's not doing his part. It's a vicious cycle. I have been talking to a fellow blogger and she has given me such great advice. (Thank you so much I don't know what I would do without you!) Do I always listen....of course not. I think I know everything and can figure it out on my own. HAHAHAHA What a joke!

You need to work on your submission and stop worrying what he's doing. You need to learn that submission is not about what you want when you want's what you need when you need it. And that my friend is up to him. You think he's not being "dommy" your eyes and pay attention. He is, your just not seeing it. You want everything right now, on your time.

A couple of nights ago Mr. D wanted me to suck his cock and it was going to be just for him. I was only to please him. (I know, we've been here before) OK, I have no problem with this. I really don't. But I fought him. I didn't want to do it. I was tired and it was kind of late, I just wanted to go to sleep. I pleaded my case but he was having none of it. UGH whatever! I finally did what he asked and when I was done (well, he was done!) I had this strange feeling. This strange feeling of peace. I felt so at ease, so happy that I had pleased him. And I didn't want anything in return. Hmmm that's new!

Later we talked about it and he said that I'm very selfish. I always want things my way, when I want them and how I want them. (Well, DUH! I'm an only child and the oldest grandchild) He said I need to learn to be more giving and do things to please him just for the sake of pleasing him. Not trying to get something out of it. OK he acting "dommy"? Is he telling me something that I don't want to hear? Is he telling me something that might hurt my feelings? Is he taking control and trying to teach me? Hmmmm that's new!

Here I am thinking that he doesn't act like a Dom or HOH. He doesn't really want to do this, he's just doing it because I want him to. He only does it for a little while when I have brought it up. And then he goes and does something like this. Hmmm that's new!

I guess I just need to pay more attention!

Subrina <3