Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Realizing And Remembering

This is kind of a rambling post. I have a few things going on in my head and not sure how to deal with them. As a lot of you will probably agree....blogging really helps you work out the mess in your head! If you click exit I will totally understand. Sometimes I wish I could click exit! LOL

So, you're still here....well thank you for sticking around to hear read my bitch-fest! Grab some coffee and have a seat!

I have this texting rule, I am supposed to text him everyday at 11:30. Well this past weekend we got new old phone had an alarm set to remind me to text him at 11:30. I still am not familiar with this new stupid phone and hadn't figured out how to set the alarm. So need less to say I didn't text him on Monday.

Monday night we were laying in bed talking and I decided to tell him about the non text. Isn't that what any good sub would do?? I told him that I'm snitching myself off but I'm sorry I forgot to text you today. He says oh didn't, did you?

What??? He didn't even realize that I didn't??? UGH

OK, so now I'm kinda mad because he didn't realize the non text and here I am telling on myself. Now I'm thinking what is the point of the rule if he's not even going to notice if I don't do it?

Yesterday the same thing happened. I still hadn't set my alarm and again I forgot to text him. I got busy at work and just didn't remember. Again, he doesn't realize or he just forgot too.

He was also upset with me because I guess I had a bratty attitude. I didn't think I did......ok well maybe I did. I did get a couple of warnings.....but that was it!

I guess I said something that pissed him off and he said a few things with a raised voice and walked out.

I'm not mad..... I'm more disappointed. I'm disappointed that he didn't realize the non texts. I'm disappointed that he accepted my bratty attitude AND he somewhat yelled and walked out.

About 15 mins later he came back into our room and laid down on the bed and told me to come lay with him. I really didn't want to but I did it anyway. He said that he was sorry and that I was right. He also said he was sorry for walking out but he still doesn't know how to handle me when I'm bratty. He says he's not sure how to react or what to do when I'm being disrespectful and mouthy. So we go back to the old ways. :/

But, I get it. I get that this is still pretty new for us and we are both still learning. We are both still trying to figure out our roles.

I talked to him today on his break and he informs me that I didn't text him yesterday either. AND that I had a bratty attitude with him yesterday.

Oh crap! what! So what if I didn't text him? And? What's going to happen? He's just NOW realizing it....the next day? Whatever!

 He said that we will discuss it when we get home from work. I told him that he can't just come up with things after the fact. He needs to deal with stuff when it happens, not when he finally realizes or remembers. He told me to quit trying to talk him out of it, drop it. So I did!

11:30 rolls around and I sent him his text! I figured out how to set the damn alarm....WHEW!

When we get home from work I am totally expecting him to bring up the last couple of days. I'm kind of excited but also a little nervous. Excited to see how he is going to handle this....nervous to see how he is going to handle this!! LOL

But of course he doesn't. Nothing is said about the non text or my bratty attitude. Nothing!

I just read a blog today and she was wondering if  "is there a HOH club out there where they trade secrets?" Well I can tell you my hubby isn't in that club! But if there is, where can I register him??? LOL

Sometimes I feel I overwhelm him and expect way to much. But how long can you say "this is all still new" before it's not new anymore?

Subrina <3

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dopamine Rush

I've been thinking about this for a while. Is there something wrong with me?

Last weekend hubby and I had a long talk about D/s, sex, things we like, things we don't like, things we fantasize about etc. We learned a lot about each other in this talk. It still amazes me how much I still learn about him, even after 19 years!! One of the things I told him was I wanted him to call me a whore or slut (in the bedroom!!)



"Yea, I like it."

He was a little surprised especially because I hate the word "bitch". I can't handle him calling me that. Strange HUH? I was really embarrassed to tell him and thought he would think differently of me. But he was so amazing. He just listened and seem to accept everything I was saying. He didn't judge me or think I was crazy. He just kinda rolled with it!

Later that night we we're having sex and, yup, you guessed it.... he said it!!!!!!

"You like it, don't you whore?" "You're MY whore!"

I don't know why, but I think it's so hot to hear him call me that. Especially when he gets this low growl and says it....OH EM GEE!!!!

This was the first time he had ever said anything like that, and I wasn't sure he could or would actually do it. My hubby treats me like an absolute princess and for him to call me something like this goes against everything he believes. But, he said it with such confidence and like he had been saying it all along. I got a small smile on my face and was so happy that he listened to me.

Now I'm wondering why I like it? What is the turn on? Why would someone like to be called a whore or slut? Why would you want someone that loves and adores you to call you those names? The definition itself says it's derogatory, so what is the attraction?

noun: whore; plural noun: whores
  1. 1.
    a prostitute

Those names are for people that sleep around with a bunch of different people. People that get paid for sex. Those names go against everything society tells us is right. So why do I want to be called a whore or slut? Why do I HATE the word "bitch"?

I don't know the answer!
Why do we like the things we like?
We just do!
Why do I like country music?
I just do!
Why do I like spicy food?
I just do!
Why do I like baseball?
I just do!
Why do I like Channing Tatum?
Well, DUH, cuz he's just freakin HOT!!
I found a simple answer to my question.....why do we like what we like?
But now, science is starting to answer this age-old question. Neuroscientists are using advanced scanning machines to look inside the living human brain and figure out why we like what we like.

And what they're discovering is astounding!

It turns out, the parts of our brains that give us a good feeling when we experience beauty are the same parts that are responsible for the drive to survive. Here's how it works. Each of us has a set of structures in our subconscious brain called the reward system. It has evolved over time to help us spot those people, places and things that could help us survive. The reward system signals the presence of survival advantages by producing the feel-good chemical, dopamine, the effect of which our consciousness interprets as, "Hey, there's someone (or something) I like!" We get the delicious sensation that our human needs are being met and we pursue whomever or whatever triggered the dopamine rush.

If you want to read the entire article click the link..........

So, from reading this article I'm understanding that country music, spicy food, baseball and Channing Tatum are delicious sensations that meet my needs and give me a dopamine rush! I NEED them to survive!

I now have the answer, him calling me a whore or slut gives me a dopamine rush!

Subrina <3

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

It's TTWD's Fault

Every day hubby calls me on his first lunch break. We talk for a few minutes, he tells me what he wants me to get done for the day, we say "I love you's" and hang up. It's not always easy to talk because of the reception and he gets frustrated. I'm constantly moving around trying to find a spot where we have a good connection.

This happens every day, without fail. Today was no exception!

Today when he called I was in the bathroom!! *blushing*   When mother nature calls you have to answer!!!!!

When he calls you need to answer, right? Being the good little sub that I am, that's exactly what I did!

He asked what I was doing and I was honest with him.....I told him I was in the bathroom. We talked for a few minutes, he asked me to get some things done today, but the connection was horrible. I couldn't move to a different spot, after all I was a little busy. As the conversation went on he got more and more frustrated, as did I. We both kept saying "can you hear me? can you hear me now?"

On a side note.......I really hate that commercial! OK where was I................

And then it happened.

"Then take your lazy ass outside"

Huh? What? Did he really just say that? He knows I'm in the bathroom. Is that what he really thinks?

I didn't say anything to him. I kept listening to what he was saying and then we said goodbye. As soon as I hung up the tears started to fall. I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop them. It wasn't a heavy cry or a sobbing cry. Just tears falling down my face.

I was a little shocked! Not necessarily at what he said, but how I was reacting. Why did this hurt my feelings so much? Why am I crying? I'm sure he's said this in the past. I'm sure he's said things that would hurt my feelings before. So why this time? Why are there tears falling? I know he didn't say it to intentionally hurt my feelings, he probably doesn't even know that it hurt my feelings.

After thinking about it for a while and trying to process what just happened I have come to the conclusion it's TTWD fault!

I'm embarrassed to say that before TTWD we really had no filter when we would speak to each other. We would call each other names and were just disrespectful. We would talk to each other anyway we wanted, say whatever came to mind and not caring realizing how it would affect the other. Not to say that we didn't love each other, but it was just a different kind of love. I don't think we really thought about the other persons feelings much.

Enter TTWD and things have definitely changed. Although we haven't been doing this for very long, we are more connected, we are more in tune with each other, we definitely have more respect for each other. We are more caring and loving towards each other and most importantly we communicate so much better than before.

So after writing and processing what happened, I think I know exactly why it hurt my feelings. We don't speak to each other like that anymore. I know I have to tell him that it hurt my feelings and I will. If you read my blog you will know that one of my rules is to text him everyday at 11:30.....guess what the topic is going to be??? (He also reads my blog!!)

*While I was writing this post, he called me back and asked if I could hear him. I told him that I could and he said good. He then went on to tell me when he called me the first time he was on the hands free in the car and that's probably why he couldn't hear me!!!!! OMG are you kidding me????? So maybe it was YOU and not me??? UGH!!!!

Subrina <3

I sent him the 11:30 text, I tried to explain to him what I was feeling and how he hurt my feelings but I just couldn't. So I directed him here! He called me at his second lunch, like he always does, and said how sorry he was, he didn't mean to hurt my feelings and didn't even realize he said that. He apologized and apologized....I told him it was ok but I was glad that he knew it hurt me. So all is right in the world again! Oh and what's the best part about fighting...............

that's right...........


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

This Is Us

I found this on someone else's blog and thought it would be fun for Dominic and I to do it. He is never on my blog but he does read everything on it! Just a fun Q&A to get to know us a little better! As you will see, Dominic is right to the point and doesn't elaborate to much on his answers! I wonder if that's just a male thing.....hmmmmm
1)   Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? 
       Me: open
       Sir: open

2)   Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
       Me:  yea, why not! You can use them when you run out of shampoo
       Sir:  no

3)   Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
       Me: the foot part is tucked in
       Sir: no
4)   Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
       Me: no, but there are a few that I would like to steal!
       Sir:  no

5)   Who is your favorite Actor/Actress?
       Me: Well if you know me at all you would know that I am obsessed with Channing Tatum. As for the actress, that’s not so easy. How about Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon
       Sir: Actor-John Cusack and Denzel Washington/Actress – Eva Mendes

6)   Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
       Me: no, but I would love to be one of those people that go to the check out, give them my coupons and my bill is like $15 for $300 worth of groceries
      Sir: no, never

7)   Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
       Me: WTH, neither
       Sir: swarm of bees

8)   What is your favorite band/group?
        Me: P!NK and country music
        Sir: Social Distortion

9)   Do you always smile for pictures?
       Me: I take the pictures, I’m not in them!
       Sir:  no

10) What is your biggest pet peeve?
       Me: liars! I HATE liars, you can never trust anything they say
       Sir: bring late

11)  What size is your bed?
       Me: queen
       Sir:  queen

12)   Whats your least favorite movie?
        Me: any scary movies
        Sir: Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde

13)   What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
         Me: ranch, sometimes bbq…but my favorite is Famous Daves Devil’s Spit!
         Sir: ranch and ketchup

14)   What is your favorite food?
         Me: anything mexican
          Sir: Fuji Burgers….they have the best avocado teriyaki bacon burger anywhere

15)   What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
         Me: Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde, Summer Catch, Sandlot, Pretty Woman
         Sir: Bourne Identity

 16)   Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
          Me: no
          Sir: no

17)   Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
        Me: if I had the body and the price was right
        Sir: no

 18)   When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
          Me: Well not sure if this counts or not, but I put lil notes in Sir’s lunch box
          Sir: about 3 years ago

19)   Favorite kind of sandwich?
         Me: peanut butter and pickles ….it has to be kosher dill pickles and creamy peanut butter. Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!
         Sir: turkey with mayo and cheese

20)   Best thing to eat for breakfast?
         Me: not a big breakfast fan but I would have to say a breakfast burrito
         Sir: eggs

21)   What is your usual bedtime?
         Me: 9:30 pm
         Sir: 10:00 pm

22)   Are you lazy?
        Me: some of the time
        Sir: yes

23)   Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
         Me: no
         Sir: yes, baseball express
24)   Do you sing in the car?
         Me: OMG…yes I do. I have a full blown concert in my car. I’m very animated!!!! Lol I think I am the best lip singer around!
         Sir: yes, when I’m by myself
25)   Do you sing in the shower?
         Me: no, but I do talk to myself in the shower
         Sir: no

26)   Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?  
         Me: Where ever they are having a sale! Also depends on what I’m looking for
         Sir: All three, but we don’t go to Kmart much
27)   Whats your favorite color?
        Me: Purple
        Sir: Black and gray

Hoper you enjoyed our little Q&A, we had fun doing it!
Dominic & Subrina <3


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Breakthroughs, Realizations and Fears, Oh My!

The weekend is over and as you know (if you have read my blog) we just celebrated our anniversary. Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday and had a really nice dinner, just the two of us. Then we went down to the beach and walked around for a little while. We found a quiet place to sit and shared a caramel apple and just spent the evening talking. We both really opened up to each other, explaining our fears, our wants and just this whole TTWD. It was amazing!

We both learned quite a bit about each other, which kind of surprised me. We have been together so long and have been really close for so long, I just kind of assumed that we knew just about everything. Well, let me just tell you how wrong I was. I really appreciated him opening up and being honest with me about certain things.

Hubby is always trying to protect me, in more ways than one. He usually wont tell me exactly how he feels because he's afraid he's going to hurt my feelings. I explained to him that if this is going to work he needs to be completely open and honest. He can't be afraid to hurt my feelings by how he feels. He understood but still didn't seem to comfortable with it.

Lately Hubby has not been sleeping well. It's been about a month that he has had sleepless nights, tossing and turning, even a little on edge. I kept asking him if there was anything bothering him and he would always say no, not that he knew of. I knew better. I knew something was bothering him I just needed him to figure it out. Well Saturday morning he had a lil meltdown breakthrough.

Hubby was so frustrated and stressed out about life happenings. He said that he is stressed out about money, the kids, about us and just everything. The kids stress I understood, the money stress I understood, the us stress, well I was a little concerned. Not a kind of concern that our relationship was in jeopardy, but a concern that I knew was coming.

Ever since I came to him with TTWD or D/s, I have had a concern that this was going to overwhelm him. I always felt like what I was asking was going to put way to much pressure on him. Well, I was right. He told me that not only is this all new for him but he knows nothing about it and this is something he has to learn. He said he is so afraid to disappoint me. With every decision he makes he is always thinking "is she going to think this is Dom of me" or "is she going to question me" or "is she going to trust me". WOW! OMG What have I done?

I just recently read a GREAT blog post on A Dauntless Journey titled "The Fear of a Dominant". He gives such a great perspective on a Dom's point of view. I never realized that HE would have fears and what those fears would be. I just ASSumed (there's that damn word again UGH) that I would tell him what I wanted and he would just figure it out and do it. It never occurred to me that he would have his own set of issues to deal with. There are times when they're not exactly sure what to do or how to do. Here we are asking them to lead us and guide us and then ASSume they just know how to do it.

Now I'm thinking, have I put so much pressure on him about TTWD that it has him this stressed out? So I did what any normal loving wife would do.......I started to cry. I felt so guilty and so bad for him I didn't know what else to do. Of course he told me not to cry and everything would be ok, but UGH I just felt so bad. I never want him to feel stressed out or upset and especially because of me!

We had a long talk and he said he likes this new lifestyle and is excited to see where we go with it. He also said that he feels closer to me than he ever has. WHEW...that made me smile. I just need to give him time to change past practice and learn some new things. He is getting much better at TTWD or D/s. He even admitted that he likes when I call him Sir, so I think I will have to start doing that more.

Since our talk, I find my self really trying to please him, even more than before. I'm not just talking about sex (I mean, seriously that's just a given!!!) but just in everyday life. I also have noticed that since our talk he has really taking on his Dom role and has even learned a look! I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about....and when I get that look, I don't know, something inside just clicks and I completely change my attitude.

He also confessed that he likes giving me rules and things to do. I always do what I'm told and haven't broken any rules. He said that he keeps giving me more rules just hoping that I will break one so he can show me that he is serious about this. I laughed and told him that I think the same thing, I want to break one of the rules just to see if he will follow through or not. But how healthy can that be?

I'm am so happy with our progress and am even more excited for our TTWD future. I am finally realizing that I need to do this at his pace, he is leading and guiding us. I have also learned that in this, you take one step forward and a couple back. As long as after those couple of steps back, we move forward, then everything will be just fine.

Subrina <3

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Today is our anniversary. Our wedding anniversary. When him and I met I had no intentions of ever getting married. My parents have been married and divorced so many times they diluted the meaning of marriage. Neither one of us is religious so that wasn't a reason either. To me it was just a piece of paper. I always felt like I didn't need a piece of paper to say how much I loved him. For me, that little piece of paper didn't mean anything until it was time to divorce, and then it meant everything. He didn't think like that.

He loved me anyway, he stayed with me anyway. He would make comments about getting married but I always came up with a reason why we shouldn't. That didn't mean that I didn't love him or that I didn't plan on being with him forever, I just didn't think that little piece of paper was that important.
He is that certain kind of person that can love my crazy. He is the only one that has ever been able to deal with me and do it so well. I think I'm hard to love. I always tell him that but he never agrees. He makes loving me seem so easy, it's just what he does.

I never knew how much I could love someone (other than my boys) until he came into my life. He owns my heart, my body, my mind and my soul. And now that we are doing TTWD it has become even deeper. We are still really new at this, but I have never felt as close to him as I have since starting this journey.

It's not our first year but he is my best friend. That's how we started best friends. We were both in relationships with other people. We would tell each other everything, share our secrets....and then it happened! I tripped and fell in love. It was never planned, it wasn't something I wanted. But he stole my heart and has kept it safe for almost 20 years.

We have been married for 14 years. We haven't always had the best relationship, we've had our ups and downs, trials and tribulations but I am proud to say that we have never been to the point that we have talked separation, EVER! We have had some really rough times but we have always pulled together and pulled through. We have friends that are always telling us "I wish I could find happiness like you guys". We just smile at each other and shrug our shoulders, it's just us!

To my Husband, thank you for picking me. You have always loved me like every day is our anniversary. You have always treated me like I'm your queen. I appreciate you and glad that I get to spend my life with you. 

Subrina <3

Saturday, August 10, 2013


Since we have started this journey I have often thought, who is this change harder for? Who has to make the biggest changes? Who has to make the sacrifices? He is not a single Dom looking for a sub, I am not a single sub looking for a Dom. There are no interviews, no searches, no getting-to-know you, no contracts. We are a married couple that knows the other one very well, are very comfortable with each other but most of all, we are absolutely in love with each other.


Who is it harder for?

The Dominant/HOH/Sir

The submissive

Neither one of us knows much about the lifestyle, I more than him. Neither one of us have ever been in a TTWD or D/s relationship. We are just learning as we go using the internet, books and blogland for guidance.

BTW.....thank you fellow bloggers......
OK, where was I?

There is 19 years of past practice. We have established roles in our relationship. One more dominant than the other.

So my question is.....who is it harder for?

The Dominant, who has never really been dominant. Who has always followed the lead, who has treated his wife like a queen and given her anything and everything. Who has allowed her to take the lead and is comfortable with the way things are/were. Who allows her to speak to him in any way, make most of the decisions, take care of the finances and the disciplining of the kids.


The submissive, who has never really been a submissive. Who has always taken the lead, made most of the family decisions, has taken care of the finances and has disciplined the kids. Who has spoken to him disrespectfully and has not always put him first.

So, how do they change? Can they change, can they have this D/s relationship? How do they reverse the roles without completely crumbling their foundation? How does he lead her confidently and with conviction? How does she give up control, when she's always been in control?

We definitely have the love! Looking forward to the rest of it!

I think its equal. Each has their own difficulties and challenges to deal with. One, no more than the other. If they each work on self discovery, make changes within and work together, anything is possible.

Subrina <3

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say!

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately trying to learn how this thing works. I love how all of you share your most intimate details, your secrets, your trials and tribulations, your happy and not so happy moments. I learn so much from each of you reading what you are or have gone through. I haven't really made any "friends" that I talk to all of the time or that knows everything that I'm going through and not because I don't want to, I guess the connection just hasn't been made. Anyway, I do feel like I "know" some of you and I appreciate the things you share.

I have been feeling very frustrated (again) lately. It seems like that's the norm around here. UGH Well, this time I decided that I wasn't going to stay quiet and be frustrated. If I have learned anything from all of you is COMMUNICATION! So I communicated!

If you have read my blog you know that we are just beginning this journey and I have a couple of rules that I am to follow. One of them is texting him at 11:30 (he does give me 5 mins before/after for some leeway), regardless of what I'm doing. I don't have to say anything specific, just a text. Well Friday I got busy at work and couldn't text until 12:02! My text said........

11:30......Sorry got busy at work! Hope you're having a good day. I love you!
His reply......
Ur late!!!!! I'll think about this. Love u too hope ur having a good day!!!!

Can I just tell you how excited I was to read his text??? I know some of you are thinking I'm crazy. Why would I want to be in trouble? Why would I want to be punished? Well, it's not that I wanted to be punished or in trouble....but for me it meant that he was moving in the right direction. He was being the HOH and holding me accountable (finally!!!)

For the rest of the day I was nervous, excited and a little worried! I went on with my day at work and when I got home all I could think about was what he was going to say or do. Of course I didn't mention it when I got home and neither did he. We went on with our evening and I kept thinking he's going to wait until we go to bed and then .....I don't know! What's he going to do, especially since we don't spank for punishment. It's time for bed and still nothing.

I go to work the next day and it was never brought up. I come home from work, still nothing. The same thing happens the next day!! Nothing! hmmmm ok is he still thinking about it? Sheesh! How long does it take? Maybe this is his way of punishing me? As the days go by I get more frustrated. OK now it's time to communicate!

I send him an email! *even though we've been together for 19 years, I still have trouble talking to him face to face about TTWD or D/s* I tell him that we keep having the same conversation over and over again....things change for about a week or two then it's right back to the same old routine. He keeps claiming he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. I keep telling him he needs to do research. I don't like telling him how to act or how to me that defeats the purpose. But I do, sometimes!

I told him that I loved his text he sent about me being late and that I was so excited to see how he was going to handle it.....then nothing! My problem is Consistency, conviction and confidence!

I want him to be consistent....if he's going to say "ur late, I'll think about this" then I want him to follow through with it. I want to feel his conviction in what he says. I want him to feel confident with his decisions.

I know some of this has to do with me, with how I make him feel. I'm working on that...I'm trying to make him feel confident with his decisions and not question it. But for so long the roles have been reversed and I don't always trust him. I feel that he needs to earn my trust as much as I need to give him the confidence. But if he's not consistent and has no authority or conviction with his decisions it makes it really hard. I feel like a dog chasing my tail! UGH

One thing that really irritates me is when I send him an email and he doesn't acknowledge it. I get no response and no answer, through email, text or verbally. So today he called me on his break. He says that he read my email yesterday and that he's trying. But he feels so uncomfortable "telling" me what to do, giving me orders. He says it makes him feel like such a dick.

Yesterday he told me he wanted the laundry done before he got home. In my email I told him that I would do it, no problem, but what would happen if I didn't? Nothing! He said when he told me to do it he just felt like he was being an ass. I explained to him that I didn't see it like that, I didn't think he was being an ass.

For me, when he tells me to do things I feel like he loves me more. I know that sounds strange and I have a hard time explaining it. But I feel like I matter, that he cares about me, that he loves me....I feel more cherished. When TTWD or D/s is working for us I feel such a closeness, a connection with him like never before.

But when he makes idol threats or empty promises it just breaks my heart. When he doesn't follow through with things it makes all those cherished feelings disappear. I always tell him "say what you mean and mean what you say"! To me that is HUGE!

I'm sure these are normal hurdles in this journey. I seriously never thought this was going to be so hard. Those damn books had me fooled! LOL I know we will get there, I just get frustrated at the process! But I'm sure that it will make us that much stronger in our relationship and I really can't wait to see our changes!

Subrina <3