I have been feeling very frustrated (again) lately. It seems like that's the norm around here. UGH Well, this time I decided that I wasn't going to stay quiet and be frustrated. If I have learned anything from all of you is COMMUNICATION! So I communicated!
If you have read my blog you know that we are just beginning this journey and I have a couple of rules that I am to follow. One of them is texting him at 11:30 (he does give me 5 mins before/after for some leeway), regardless of what I'm doing. I don't have to say anything specific, just a text. Well Friday I got busy at work and couldn't text until 12:02! My text said........
11:30......Sorry got busy at work! Hope you're having a good day. I love you!
Ur late!!!!! I'll think about this. Love u too hope ur having a good day!!!!
Can I just tell you how excited I was to read his text??? I know some of you are thinking I'm crazy. Why would I want to be in trouble? Why would I want to be punished? Well, it's not that I wanted to be punished or in trouble....but for me it meant that he was moving in the right direction. He was being the HOH and holding me accountable (finally!!!)
For the rest of the day I was nervous, excited and a little worried! I went on with my day at work and when I got home all I could think about was what he was going to say or do. Of course I didn't mention it when I got home and neither did he. We went on with our evening and I kept thinking he's going to wait until we go to bed and then .....I don't know! What's he going to do, especially since we don't spank for punishment. It's time for bed and still nothing.
I go to work the next day and it was never brought up. I come home from work, still nothing. The same thing happens the next day!! Nothing! hmmmm ok is he still thinking about it? Sheesh! How long does it take? Maybe this is his way of punishing me? As the days go by I get more frustrated. OK now it's time to communicate!
I send him an email! *even though we've been together for 19 years, I still have trouble talking to him face to face about TTWD or D/s* I tell him that we keep having the same conversation over and over again....things change for about a week or two then it's right back to the same old routine. He keeps claiming he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. I keep telling him he needs to do research. I don't like telling him how to act or how to be....to me that defeats the purpose. But I do, sometimes!
I told him that I loved his text he sent about me being late and that I was so excited to see how he was going to handle it.....then nothing! My problem is Consistency, conviction and confidence!
I want him to be consistent....if he's going to say "ur late, I'll think about this" then I want him to follow through with it. I want to feel his conviction in what he says. I want him to feel confident with his decisions.
I know some of this has to do with me, with how I make him feel. I'm working on that...I'm trying to make him feel confident with his decisions and not question it. But for so long the roles have been reversed and I don't always trust him. I feel that he needs to earn my trust as much as I need to give him the confidence. But if he's not consistent and has no authority or conviction with his decisions it makes it really hard. I feel like a dog chasing my tail! UGH
One thing that really irritates me is when I send him an email and he doesn't acknowledge it. I get no response and no answer, through email, text or verbally. So today he called me on his break. He says that he read my email yesterday and that he's trying. But he feels so uncomfortable "telling" me what to do, giving me orders. He says it makes him feel like such a dick.
Yesterday he told me he wanted the laundry done before he got home. In my email I told him that I would do it, no problem, but what would happen if I didn't? Nothing! He said when he told me to do it he just felt like he was being an ass. I explained to him that I didn't see it like that, I didn't think he was being an ass.
For me, when he tells me to do things I feel like he loves me more. I know that sounds strange and I have a hard time explaining it. But I feel like I matter, that he cares about me, that he loves me....I feel more cherished. When TTWD or D/s is working for us I feel such a closeness, a connection with him like never before.
But when he makes idol threats or empty promises it just breaks my heart. When he doesn't follow through with things it makes all those cherished feelings disappear. I always tell him "say what you mean and mean what you say"! To me that is HUGE!
I'm sure these are normal hurdles in this journey. I seriously never thought this was going to be so hard. Those damn books had me fooled! LOL I know we will get there, I just get frustrated at the process! But I'm sure that it will make us that much stronger in our relationship and I really can't wait to see our changes!