Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say!

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately trying to learn how this thing works. I love how all of you share your most intimate details, your secrets, your trials and tribulations, your happy and not so happy moments. I learn so much from each of you reading what you are or have gone through. I haven't really made any "friends"....one that I talk to all of the time or that knows everything that I'm going through and not because I don't want to, I guess the connection just hasn't been made. Anyway, I do feel like I "know" some of you and I appreciate the things you share.

I have been feeling very frustrated (again) lately. It seems like that's the norm around here. UGH Well, this time I decided that I wasn't going to stay quiet and be frustrated. If I have learned anything from all of you is COMMUNICATION! So I communicated!

If you have read my blog you know that we are just beginning this journey and I have a couple of rules that I am to follow. One of them is texting him at 11:30 (he does give me 5 mins before/after for some leeway), regardless of what I'm doing. I don't have to say anything specific, just a text. Well Friday I got busy at work and couldn't text until 12:02! My text said........

11:30......Sorry got busy at work! Hope you're having a good day. I love you!
His reply......
Ur late!!!!! I'll think about this. Love u too hope ur having a good day!!!!

Can I just tell you how excited I was to read his text??? I know some of you are thinking I'm crazy. Why would I want to be in trouble? Why would I want to be punished? Well, it's not that I wanted to be punished or in trouble....but for me it meant that he was moving in the right direction. He was being the HOH and holding me accountable (finally!!!)

For the rest of the day I was nervous, excited and a little worried! I went on with my day at work and when I got home all I could think about was what he was going to say or do. Of course I didn't mention it when I got home and neither did he. We went on with our evening and I kept thinking he's going to wait until we go to bed and then .....I don't know! What's he going to do, especially since we don't spank for punishment. It's time for bed and still nothing.

I go to work the next day and it was never brought up. I come home from work, still nothing. The same thing happens the next day!! Nothing! hmmmm ok is he still thinking about it? Sheesh! How long does it take? Maybe this is his way of punishing me? As the days go by I get more frustrated. OK now it's time to communicate!

I send him an email! *even though we've been together for 19 years, I still have trouble talking to him face to face about TTWD or D/s* I tell him that we keep having the same conversation over and over again....things change for about a week or two then it's right back to the same old routine. He keeps claiming he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. I keep telling him he needs to do research. I don't like telling him how to act or how to be....to me that defeats the purpose. But I do, sometimes!

I told him that I loved his text he sent about me being late and that I was so excited to see how he was going to handle it.....then nothing! My problem is Consistency, conviction and confidence!

I want him to be consistent....if he's going to say "ur late, I'll think about this" then I want him to follow through with it. I want to feel his conviction in what he says. I want him to feel confident with his decisions.

I know some of this has to do with me, with how I make him feel. I'm working on that...I'm trying to make him feel confident with his decisions and not question it. But for so long the roles have been reversed and I don't always trust him. I feel that he needs to earn my trust as much as I need to give him the confidence. But if he's not consistent and has no authority or conviction with his decisions it makes it really hard. I feel like a dog chasing my tail! UGH

One thing that really irritates me is when I send him an email and he doesn't acknowledge it. I get no response and no answer, through email, text or verbally. So today he called me on his break. He says that he read my email yesterday and that he's trying. But he feels so uncomfortable "telling" me what to do, giving me orders. He says it makes him feel like such a dick.

Yesterday he told me he wanted the laundry done before he got home. In my email I told him that I would do it, no problem, but what would happen if I didn't? Nothing! He said when he told me to do it he just felt like he was being an ass. I explained to him that I didn't see it like that, I didn't think he was being an ass.

For me, when he tells me to do things I feel like he loves me more. I know that sounds strange and I have a hard time explaining it. But I feel like I matter, that he cares about me, that he loves me....I feel more cherished. When TTWD or D/s is working for us I feel such a closeness, a connection with him like never before.

But when he makes idol threats or empty promises it just breaks my heart. When he doesn't follow through with things it makes all those cherished feelings disappear. I always tell him "say what you mean and mean what you say"! To me that is HUGE!

I'm sure these are normal hurdles in this journey. I seriously never thought this was going to be so hard. Those damn books had me fooled! LOL I know we will get there, I just get frustrated at the process! But I'm sure that it will make us that much stronger in our relationship and I really can't wait to see our changes!

Subrina <3


  1. It sounds like the two of you are trying but you just aren't getting your feet off the ground so to speak.
    Try starting out simple, you have the texting rule in place, talk about a punishment that he will give you if you break it. Yes, I am suggesting talking about it before hand. If you break the rule this is what will happen.

    Also try setting aside time for the two of you to sit together and look over aspects of the D/s lifestyle that interest you both. The two of you learning together, make it a time for the both of you to be together read about it, then talk about it, discuss it, what you learned from it

    It all comes down to communication, what you want, what he wants.

    Occasionally call him Sir instead of by his name, this may help to give him a sense of empowerment and make him feel more in a Dominant role.

    1. Thank you Sir for your time and comments! I think you are right...we just can't get off the ground. We have talked about the punishment for the texting rule....no computer for the night :( ....but it has never been enforced. I like the idea of setting some time aside to talk. We really don't get much of that. As for calling him Sir...he doesn't really like it, but we do try it in the bedroom. He seems to like it then, so I might try and use it outside of the bedroom. Thanks again, I truly appreciate your input!

  2. I've been where you have been before and it's hard. For me, I had to change my mindset. The first thing I did was I stopped reading those books. Life doesn't work that way and I found a pattern. Every time I was reading a book I became so wrapped up in how I was feeling while reading about the FICTIONAL CHARACTERS in the story. But my H wasn't acting like the character in the book. This left me with so much disappointment. I realized I was putting too much pressure on us and expecting unrealistic expectations. DD had to be led his way, not mine. So, when he let something go, I just came out and asked him why? He would give me his answer and I would either understand or told him how it made me feel. This didn't change things over night and we still have ups and downs, but it has helped hugely.

    1. Thank you Kim for your comment! I think you might be right. I think the books are causing more of my frustration that I realized. That is EXACTLY how I feel....why isn't he acting like this FICTIONAL CHARACTER? Maybe if I get him to read them then he will act like them. My H also doesn't act like them and I think I do put unrealistic expectations on him. Then when he doesn't act like them I get mad/frustrated/disappointed. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me see that maybe I am causing a lot of the problem. But let's not tell him!! lol (he reads my blog all the time!!!!)

  3. I am sorry you guys are stuck in this phase. Sounds like you did a great job actually communicating and not letting it eat at you, and still. He really must be freaked out about being rude. Maybe your rules aren't right for you? For example, DH doens't like telling me when what to clean (unless really necessary) because he thinks it is rude for him to demand that of me. He knows I will get to it when I can. So we dropped cleaning rules...

    1. Hi Julia! Thanks for commenting. I just figured that I need to start communicating with him. He can't read my mind and me "stewing" over things gets us nowhere. He really thinks he's being a jerk when he tells me to do anything. I love that he loves me so much and is so sweet and protective of me....but I also want him to step up and be more of an HOH. We'll get there, it's just gonna take time. Thanks again for your input, I truly appreciate it!

      Subrina <3