Hard to Love

What is wrong with me??? UGH

Here I am asking hubby for his dominance, to take control, to keep me in line and put me in check when I get mouthy. Why, as soon as he tries to be just a lil dominant I push him.......and keep pushing.

Why would I do that? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I ask for this? Don't I want him to take control and not let me act bratty?

So why do I keep pushing him and testing him? Why do I keep acting like a brat?

Let me set the scene......

I do all of the driving. I drive for a living and also 1) he doesn't really like to drive and 2) I don't make a very good passenger. OK who am I kidding...I HATE being a passenger!!

Yea, I'm a bit of a control freak and especially in this area! A control freak that wants to be dominated?? Am I setting myself up for disaster?

Anyway, where was I?

I was driving us to our sons practice. I'm a pretty aggressive driver and kinda think I own the road sometimes, but I'm a safe driver! There was quite a bit of traffic. My hubby is in the passenger seat looking at his phone, probably being a facebook whore! I can always see him out of the corner of my eye making gestures like he's driving. He will push on the floor board like he's pushing on the brake, he will grab the door and something in the middle console like he's holding on for dear life! HA For whatever reason he looked up and saw brake lights and FREAKED OUT!!!!! He gasped and grabbed on to the door and threw both of his feet to the floor like we were going over a cliff!

I was kinda close to the car in front of me but totally had the situation under control, until he freaked out. He scared me by his reaction and I slammed on the brakes thinking I was going to hit something. I was soooo mad at his reaction and how it made me react I might have yelled at him a lil bit. (blushing)

Me: What is your problem? Why would you do that?

Him: Are you even paying attention? You were going to hit the car in front of you.

Me: No, I wasn't, I saw it! Why would you act like that.........damn I hate when you're in the car with me! UGH

Him: You always wonder when you drive and don't always pay attention.

Me: I know what I'm doing!!!!!! You were on your phone and not even paying attention, you look up and all you saw were brake lights....you can't see the mirrors like I can. You don't know what's going on around us.

Him: Fine, next time I won't say anything and then you'll be crying cuz your car is smashed!

Me: biting my lip trying to be submissive. A lil late after my bratty lil outburst huh :/

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I was thinking.....did I just really yell at him? Was I really acting like a brat? Unfortunately I have to answer yes to both of those questions.

We get to the field and get our stuff out (still in silence) and usually he will carry my chair....HAHA not this time! He left it for me to carry. I pick up the chair and he says "you got it?". I just kept walking....like a brat!

He asked again and I replied "I got it" probably with way to much sass! But he didn't say anything, he just kept walking.

We get to the field and I set up my chair and other things and I kept dropping my water bottle. I yelled "FUCK!" Picked up the water bottle and slammed it down, Of course it fell over because of the force I used!

I grabbed my phone just so I didn't have to speak to him or look at him. The whole time we're walking and during the time I was setting my stuff up I was thinking.....OK, what I really want him to do (or think he should do) is put a stop to this now. Put both of his hands on my chair, lean down and get in my face and tell me I need to adjust my attitude!

Well guess what?



That's exactly what he did!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY


I got this smile on my face and turned away. I did it for a couple of reasons.....1) cuz I didn't want him to see me smiling cuz of course I was mad and 2) cuz that's what I was hoping he would do and I was happy! He didn't disappoint!

Then he grabbed my chin, forced me to look at him and he started talking to me, very calm but with authority. He said he didn't like that way I was acting and that I needed to adjust my attitude.

I just kept trying to look away and he kept smiling, although I really didn't want to, I just couldn't help it. I was sooooo excited for him to be acting like this.

He told me I needed to apologize to him for the way I acted and for yelling at him. I kinda rolled my eyes.....ok let's be honest, it was a full on eye roll and I apologized for my behavior.

I explained to him why I got so mad, He agreed that he always acts like that and will try to control it in the future! YAY progress!

So there I was, sitting at my sons practice, excited as hell because of the way he acted, just like I have been wanting him too and so proud of him or putting on his "man pants".

Then I started to get mad at myself. I was thinking why do I act like that? I want him to take control, correct me when I'm wrong, not allow me to act like a brat.....and then I go and act like a brat!

UGH

Is it harder to be submissive or dominant? Who has more work....cuz right now I'm thinkin I do!!!

Thank you my love for steppin up, putting your man pants on and for trying TTWD! I know this is hard for you because I am your princess, but it's so damn HOT when your Dom comes out! I love you! It takes a special kind of crazy to love someone crazy like me....and you are that special!

I always tell you that I'm hard to love......I bet now you believe me! HAHA

Subrina <3