Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Hard to Love

What is wrong with me??? UGH

Here I am asking hubby for his dominance, to take control, to keep me in line and put me in check when I get mouthy. Why, as soon as he tries to be just a lil dominant I push him.......and keep pushing.

Why would I do that? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I ask for this? Don't I want him to take control and not let me act bratty?

So why do I keep pushing him and testing him? Why do I keep acting like a brat?

Let me set the scene......

I do all of the driving. I drive for a living and also 1) he doesn't really like to drive and 2) I don't make a very good passenger. OK who am I kidding...I HATE being a passenger!!

Yea, I'm a bit of a control freak and especially in this area! A control freak that wants to be dominated?? Am I setting myself up for disaster?

Anyway, where was I?

I was driving us to our sons practice. I'm a pretty aggressive driver and kinda think I own the road sometimes, but I'm a safe driver! There was quite a bit of traffic. My hubby is in the passenger seat looking at his phone, probably being a facebook whore! I can always see him out of the corner of my eye making gestures like he's driving. He will push on the floor board like he's pushing on the brake, he will grab the door and something in the middle console like he's holding on for dear life! HA For whatever reason he looked up and saw brake lights and FREAKED OUT!!!!! He gasped and grabbed on to the door and threw both of his feet to the floor like we were going over a cliff!

I was kinda close to the car in front of me but totally had the situation under control, until he freaked out. He scared me by his reaction and I slammed on the brakes thinking I was going to hit something. I was soooo mad at his reaction and how it made me react I might have yelled at him a lil bit. (blushing)

Me: What is your problem? Why would you do that?

Him: Are you even paying attention? You were going to hit the car in front of you.

Me: No, I wasn't, I saw it! Why would you act like that.........damn I hate when you're in the car with me! UGH

Him: You always wonder when you drive and don't always pay attention.

Me: I know what I'm doing!!!!!! You were on your phone and not even paying attention, you look up and all you saw were brake can't see the mirrors like I can. You don't know what's going on around us.

Him: Fine, next time I won't say anything and then you'll be crying cuz your car is smashed!

Me: biting my lip trying to be submissive. A lil late after my bratty lil outburst huh :/

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I was thinking.....did I just really yell at him? Was I really acting like a brat? Unfortunately I have to answer yes to both of those questions.

We get to the field and get our stuff out (still in silence) and usually he will carry my chair....HAHA not this time! He left it for me to carry. I pick up the chair and he says "you got it?". I just kept a brat!

He asked again and I replied "I got it" probably with way to much sass! But he didn't say anything, he just kept walking.

We get to the field and I set up my chair and other things and I kept dropping my water bottle. I yelled "FUCK!" Picked up the water bottle and slammed it down, Of course it fell over because of the force I used!

I grabbed my phone just so I didn't have to speak to him or look at him. The whole time we're walking and during the time I was setting my stuff up I was thinking.....OK, what I really want him to do (or think he should do) is put a stop to this now. Put both of his hands on my chair, lean down and get in my face and tell me I need to adjust my attitude!

Well guess what?

That's exactly what he did!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY

I got this smile on my face and turned away. I did it for a couple of reasons.....1) cuz I didn't want him to see me smiling cuz of course I was mad and 2) cuz that's what I was hoping he would do and I was happy! He didn't disappoint!

Then he grabbed my chin, forced me to look at him and he started talking to me, very calm but with authority. He said he didn't like that way I was acting and that I needed to adjust my attitude.

I just kept trying to look away and he kept smiling, although I really didn't want to, I just couldn't help it. I was sooooo excited for him to be acting like this.

He told me I needed to apologize to him for the way I acted and for yelling at him. I kinda rolled my eyes.....ok let's be honest, it was a full on eye roll and I apologized for my behavior.

I explained to him why I got so mad, He agreed that he always acts like that and will try to control it in the future! YAY progress!

So there I was, sitting at my sons practice, excited as hell because of the way he acted, just like I have been wanting him too and so proud of him or putting on his "man pants".

Then I started to get mad at myself. I was thinking why do I act like that? I want him to take control, correct me when I'm wrong, not allow me to act like a brat.....and then I go and act like a brat!


Is it harder to be submissive or dominant? Who has more work....cuz right now I'm thinkin I do!!!

Thank you my love for steppin up, putting your man pants on and for trying TTWD! I know this is hard for you because I am your princess, but it's so damn HOT when your Dom comes out! I love you! It takes a special kind of crazy to love someone crazy like me....and you are that special!

I always tell you that I'm hard to love......I bet now you believe me! HAHA

Subrina <3


  1. Hi Subrina!
    I'm so happy to read this and glad you two are making progress

    1. Thank you Kim, me too. But I'm not gonna hold my breath just yet. Weve been here before, I've gotten excited and then right back to the same old habits from the last 19 years!! But I am excited to see new progress!! Hope it continues

  2. Oh my gosh! I could have written this word for word! I do the exact same thing, want the same things, and kind of test him. I am trying hard not to and catch myself. But damn, it's hard sometimes. Especially when things go backwards and I don't feel dominated. I kind if push him to see if he'll correct it. I think for us it may be a couple steps forward, one step back learning curve. We have three bots as well, it's hard to find a balance to live this lifestyle. Hope all is well! S.

    1. Hi S!
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I think the more we don't feel dominated the more we push them to dominate. It can be a vicious cycle sometimes. But I'm learning to bite my lip, suck it up and not push him. I think most of us (subs/women) want it al right now and just as we are learning, so are they. As you said, it makes it even harder when you have to throw LIFE in the middle of all of this. I guess none of us live in a perfect world when we can just live isolated all of the time and completely live TTWD, D/s all the time. Good luck to you!
      Subrina <3

  3. Ugh, Sabrina...I cannot tell you how thankful I am for your blog. Hubby and I have recently started as well and you cannot even imagine how EXACT you and I are alike and how EXACT mine and your husband are alike. I have always been the dominant one, the HOH so to speak, I handle all the bills and decision yet ive wanted this for so long. But hubby is sooo laid back and go with the flow, doesnt get mad and babyes me when im upset or being a bitch. This blog could have been written based on my life...from the very beginning to your most recent entry. Keep up the good work! I think I may send you an email later ;)

    1. HI Anon!

      thank you so much for stopping by my page! I love hearing from people. I'm glad that you found my entries helpful. It's nice when you stumble on someone's blog that you can relate to so well. It makes you feel like you're not crazy and not in this alone, I'm happy that you found that here. Please feel free to contact me....we can learn from each other!!

      I look forward to hearing from you soon!

      Subrina <3