Tuesday, April 30, 2013

This Crazy "Thing"

This crazy "thing" that I've gotten us into just keeps amazing me. When this all first started I wasn't sure what I wanted, still not sure now, but I think I have a better understanding of what I want. I read some books, was intrigued/fascinated and wanted to crawl in those books. I did some research and found this amazing community of like minded people that are willing to reach out and help guide you, answer questions, give advice and all without judging. Who knew that Kinksters and Spankos were so helpful and nice?!

I have read blogs where the sub says she feels she would do anything for her HusDom and wants to serve him, wants him to use her anyway he wants. She WANTS to kneel in front of him, she WANTS to be spanked, she WANTS to have rules, she WANTS to be disciplined. HA, this is sooooo not me. I gotta tell ya, I didn't feel like that. I'm not his servant, I'm not going to let him make rules for me AND discipline me??? WTH? We're married, we're equals, he has no "power" or "control" over me. 

Now here we are walking this D/s path and are really working hard at this, and all that above stuff has changed! :) WHAT?...you say. Yup.....The feelings, emotions, wants, needs, acts....it's all so new and raw and scary and AWESOME! The want or need to NOT disappoint him is sometimes overwhelming. I can't believe the feelings I have for him now. Not that I didn't love him before, but OMG! This is waaaay beyond anything I ever could have imagined and so different.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir and I'm not saying (or about to say) anything that any of you haven't already experienced. Especially those of you that have been doing this "thing" for a while. But WOW! Lately I have noticed that I just can't get enough of him. I can't get enough of his touch, his time, his words, his presence......his Dominance! WHOA, did I just say that out loud?? Yes, I did......his Dominance!!! It's all still really new and we are trying to figure out our roles....and we do fall back into old habits but they don't seem to last long, but OH MY GAWD!!! This is amazing!

He has really stepped up his game lately. He is totally taking charge, becoming more of an HOH, making decisions, taking over the finances and I am soooooo freakin happy!!! He has even established a new rule. He thought we should start off slow and small, so my new rule is everyday at 11:30 I have to text him. I can text him whatever I want, but it has to be a text at 11:30. This can be very challenging since I drive for a living. But, I have set my alarm on my phone for 11:25 (so I'm not late) and have only missed once. Actually I didn't miss, I was about 8 mins late...cuz I was driving!! He understood and was happy that I even remembered. Although we have a rule, we still don't have a consequence for breaking the rule. He says he is working on that but it doesn't matter to me. There is no way I want to disappoint him and miss the 11:30 text! So don't think we will need a consequence! HAHA

These new feelings that are taking over are, well.....ummm....they are....uh, kinda like, umm, yea I don't even know. They are sooo strong and so powerful. I know I've said 1,000 times that I love him so much and we are so close....but seriously? This is sooo much more. I crave his touch, his presence, his closeness and yes, his dominance. When we are out with friends or at one of our kids functions I find myself gravitating towards him. Before, we each would kind of do our own thing, talk to people or whatever. Now, I want to constantly hold his hand, hold onto the pocket on his pants, wrap my arm around his, just be near him, touching him. And it seems the more he steps into the Dominant role the more I crave all of this, the more I don't want to disappoint him. I didn't know it was possible to fall in more love (is that even English? lol) and fall deeper. But I feel so connected to him, so different than before.

When I read some of your blogs, some of it just mind boggles me. The feelings and emotions that you talk about, the things that you want to do for him, the things that you are willing to do for him....it blows me away. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anybody for their likes/dislikes....I just never pictured me as THAT submissive. Yes, I want his dominance.... yes, I want him to be in charge.... yes, I want to submit to him.....but I always wanted it on my terms, the way I wanted to do it, when I wanted to do it. But OMG....the more we get into this and the deeper we get.....I GET IT!!!!! I get where you are coming from. I see the light! I understand that need/want/desire to please him, for him to be proud of me.

There is no better feeling in the world than feeling loved, cherished, wanted, cared for, looked after. That is what it feels like when he is being dominant. Yes, he did all those things before...but never like this. I am soooooooo loving this new man of mine and can't wait to see where we go from here. I am excited to see my husband turn into my Dominant right before my eyes. I just hope that I can be THAT submissive!

Subrina <3

Friday, April 12, 2013

Things are changing

I haven't posted in a while. Not because I don't have much to say....I think it's quite the opposite. I have a lot to say but I feel I would be rambling. My thoughts are all over the map right now so I feel like there would be no "flow' to my posts! Like that's gonna stop me!! LOL Let me apologize now!

Dominic and I are still plugging along. We have been reading some blogs together and trying to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. I am still amazed at how difficult this can be at times. I have said before that I had this vision in my head of how it was going to be and how easy I thought it was going to be, but it's just not like that. I will say that we have been getting closer/deeper and we are communicating a lot more. I was just telling him today that if anything has come out of this journey that we are on, it is we communicate so much more and on such a more honest and deeper level.

We were finally able to have sex today (after a little over a week) and it was really intense, for me! I cried again but this time he didn't react like the last time. He just kind of left me to cry for a few minutes and then hugged me. He said he was afraid he hurt me and that's why I was crying. He was confused and was kind of upset and said he didn't like this at all. We finished, got dressed and had some errands to do. I was feeling frustrated because of the way he reacted to me. So, I brought it up!

I was nervous to say anything but I'm glad I did. I learned he was scared that he did something wrong or hurt me. He said that my cry was a different cry, not a passionate cry like the last time. I had no idea, all I know is I couldn't stop it. I tried. I really did, but the tears just kept coming. He didn't know what to do so he kind of just let me cry it out. I told him that I would have liked him to cuddle with me until I was done crying and then we could have continued, talked about it after and all would have been good. Then he said he was sooo confused because when we had our date night, I had said that I liked that he just let me cry and continued with the conversation, he didn't baby me. UGH! Now here I am crying and he thinks that's what I wanted. We talked about it (which I was sooooo grateful for) and worked out what we both wanted to happen the next time this happens.

I also learned today that he is really taking me serious now. He admitted that he thought it was just a fantasy or phase that I was going through (due to 50 Shades!!!) and that it was going to go away. I asked him what made  him change his mind....he said that I keep bringing it up and keep pursuing it. He figured out about a week ago that I was not just going through a phase, that I was serious and that he probably needed to step up his game!

On a completely different note.....I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone of you that we have reached out to, that has given us advice, comments or suggestions. When we started this we were absolutely clueless, we still are, but with the help and input of all of you, you really have helped us make sense of all of this. It amazes me how open and honest (so it seems) that everyone is and so willing to share their stories. But most importantly, nobody judges you in this community! No matter what your likes and dislikes are, how kinky or not kinky you are, everyone is so helpful and accepting. That is soooo rare and I, personally, am so grateful and thankful that all of you are here! So THANK YOU!

Subrina <3