This Crazy "Thing"

This crazy "thing" that I've gotten us into just keeps amazing me. When this all first started I wasn't sure what I wanted, still not sure now, but I think I have a better understanding of what I want. I read some books, was intrigued/fascinated and wanted to crawl in those books. I did some research and found this amazing community of like minded people that are willing to reach out and help guide you, answer questions, give advice and all without judging. Who knew that Kinksters and Spankos were so helpful and nice?!

I have read blogs where the sub says she feels she would do anything for her HusDom and wants to serve him, wants him to use her anyway he wants. She WANTS to kneel in front of him, she WANTS to be spanked, she WANTS to have rules, she WANTS to be disciplined. HA, this is sooooo not me. I gotta tell ya, I didn't feel like that. I'm not his servant, I'm not going to let him make rules for me AND discipline me??? WTH? We're married, we're equals, he has no "power" or "control" over me. 

Now here we are walking this D/s path and are really working hard at this, and all that above stuff has changed! :) WHAT?...you say. Yup.....The feelings, emotions, wants, needs, acts....it's all so new and raw and scary and AWESOME! The want or need to NOT disappoint him is sometimes overwhelming. I can't believe the feelings I have for him now. Not that I didn't love him before, but OMG! This is waaaay beyond anything I ever could have imagined and so different.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir and I'm not saying (or about to say) anything that any of you haven't already experienced. Especially those of you that have been doing this "thing" for a while. But WOW! Lately I have noticed that I just can't get enough of him. I can't get enough of his touch, his time, his words, his presence......his Dominance! WHOA, did I just say that out loud?? Yes, I did......his Dominance!!! It's all still really new and we are trying to figure out our roles....and we do fall back into old habits but they don't seem to last long, but OH MY GAWD!!! This is amazing!

He has really stepped up his game lately. He is totally taking charge, becoming more of an HOH, making decisions, taking over the finances and I am soooooo freakin happy!!! He has even established a new rule. He thought we should start off slow and small, so my new rule is everyday at 11:30 I have to text him. I can text him whatever I want, but it has to be a text at 11:30. This can be very challenging since I drive for a living. But, I have set my alarm on my phone for 11:25 (so I'm not late) and have only missed once. Actually I didn't miss, I was about 8 mins late...cuz I was driving!! He understood and was happy that I even remembered. Although we have a rule, we still don't have a consequence for breaking the rule. He says he is working on that but it doesn't matter to me. There is no way I want to disappoint him and miss the 11:30 text! So don't think we will need a consequence! HAHA

These new feelings that are taking over are, well.....ummm....they are....uh, kinda like, umm, yea I don't even know. They are sooo strong and so powerful. I know I've said 1,000 times that I love him so much and we are so close....but seriously? This is sooo much more. I crave his touch, his presence, his closeness and yes, his dominance. When we are out with friends or at one of our kids functions I find myself gravitating towards him. Before, we each would kind of do our own thing, talk to people or whatever. Now, I want to constantly hold his hand, hold onto the pocket on his pants, wrap my arm around his, just be near him, touching him. And it seems the more he steps into the Dominant role the more I crave all of this, the more I don't want to disappoint him. I didn't know it was possible to fall in more love (is that even English? lol) and fall deeper. But I feel so connected to him, so different than before.

When I read some of your blogs, some of it just mind boggles me. The feelings and emotions that you talk about, the things that you want to do for him, the things that you are willing to do for him....it blows me away. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anybody for their likes/dislikes....I just never pictured me as THAT submissive. Yes, I want his dominance.... yes, I want him to be in charge.... yes, I want to submit to him.....but I always wanted it on my terms, the way I wanted to do it, when I wanted to do it. But OMG....the more we get into this and the deeper we get.....I GET IT!!!!! I get where you are coming from. I see the light! I understand that need/want/desire to please him, for him to be proud of me.

There is no better feeling in the world than feeling loved, cherished, wanted, cared for, looked after. That is what it feels like when he is being dominant. Yes, he did all those things before...but never like this. I am soooooooo loving this new man of mine and can't wait to see where we go from here. I am excited to see my husband turn into my Dominant right before my eyes. I just hope that I can be THAT submissive!

Subrina <3