"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.
"OK, then let's talk about it"
One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!
"So, what's bothering you?"
"I don't like taking my shirt off"
WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?
I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.
"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."
I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.
"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"
Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."
In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.
"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"
How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!
"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"
"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."
"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"
How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.
He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.
I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.
"I'm going to teach you how to just feel....no thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.