I know I have been absent for a while. I haven't been reading any blogs nor I have I been blogging. I'm kind of in a weird place right now and not sure where to go from here. But before I get into this post can I just say that I really miss all of you. I miss seeing how your all doing, how your TTWD is going. I miss "talking" to you.
I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!
Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am) and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.
Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD. We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling programming.......kids went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.
Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!
He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.
I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?
I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me wrong....my love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.
In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!
Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?
My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.
Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?
Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.
I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.
We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they were....in our face and needed to be dealt with.
My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?
I just hope we can get past this....................together!
P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!