Sunday, January 12, 2014


I know I have been absent for a while. I haven't been reading any blogs nor I have I been blogging. I'm kind of in a weird place right now and not sure where to go from here. But before I get into this post can I just say that I really miss all of you. I miss seeing how your all doing, how your TTWD is going. I miss "talking" to you.

I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!

Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am)  and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.

Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD.  We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.

Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!

He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.

I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?

I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.

In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!

Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?

My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.

Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?

Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.

I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.

We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they our face and needed to be dealt with.

My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?

I just hope we can get past this....................together!

Subrina <3

P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!


  1. Subrina, I really hope you are able to get through these problems together, it is a nasty business dealing with the past!

    Sometimes submission is that hard, and your friend is right, you have to give it to him, he can't make you do anything. Master and I had this moment the other day, I was refusing to talk and he attempted to do something he thought would get me to talk, he made the right choice, and he gave it his all, but I refused to let him do it. It was that moment that I truly realized how much of this comes from me. Actually, I think most of it comes from us, we are in control because we are the ones that hand over the control, does that make sense?

    I've also learned that we have to do things we don't like, for instance talking or taking off a shirt, in order to get what we want/need and if you refuse to do those things won't get what you want.

    I'm so glad to see you back here, you've been in my thoughts, and I do hope you keep sharing with us!

    Lots and lots of hugs!

    1. Thank you makes perfect sense!

      Thank you for thinking of me. It has been hard and I know we have a tough road ahead of us but I'm sure we'll get through it. Thanks for the kind words and support. It really does mean a lot!

      Subrina <3

  2. Subrina,

    I am sorry you guys are stuck in this spot. Although I kept thinking while reading your post: The ups are great, the lows sooo low with ttwd. You just have to work through it, come out stronger together, and learn signals to avoid it the next time.
    It is also so important for a guy to feel your submission, especially when he isn't quite sure and you should always try to be positive when it happens, like positive reinforcement. Kind of.

    You will get through it. Blog, we are here!

    1. Hi Julia!
      WOW you are so right....the highs are so high but man those lows are rough! Thank you for the support!

      Subrina <3

  3. Hi Subrina, I'm sorry you are going through a tough time right now. Life sure does have a habit of getting in the way of ttwd and given your schedules it's not surprising it has been taking more of a back seat. It is hard and takes work to get back on track again. The past does have a habit of rearing it's head too. I think because we are so much more open and vulnerable.

    It sounds as though you two are starting to figure things out. You will get through it and hopefully come out even stronger. Above all, keep communicating with each other.


    1. Hi Roz!
      The past can really suck ass. It's in the past and that's where it needs to stay. I just need to learn to keep it there.

      We are working on things and as along as we do it together I'm sure we will be just fine. Just another bump in the road of this crazy journey we're on! Thanks for the comment.

      Subrina <3

  4. The most important thing to come out of all of this is the realisation that the only way of getting through this is by talking....and listening to each other.

    Its baby steps, sometimes its 5 steps forward and 3 back....but its still progress...if you both want to go forward..then you just have to ensure your both on the same path.


    1. Hi Tori!

      You are so right...communication is so important and no matter how many times I hear that I still don't believe it. But it's true....that's exactly what worked and got us working in the right direction together. Thank you for the comment and support!

      Subrina <3

  5. Hi Subrina, I'm so sorry your in a low, I know how much it sucks :(. It's hard to maintain things With the holidays, kids being out of school and the grave yard shift that you have been working and sometimes that makes it even harder to get back on track. I think you have some really great advice here and I know it's hard, but keep talking to him. If you don't know what to say, then just tell him that, that will at least get the conversation going.

    I've just went through a really rough patch and I can relate to a lot of what your saying. Please email me if you would like to talk more, I'm always here.

    1. Hi Kimberly!
      Thank you for the comment and kind words. We are at a low but just like life's roller coaster we will be on the upswing. We just have to get through this bump.

      I'm sorry that you had a rough time too. I'm not one to really reach out and ask for help. I internalize everything. But I love getting mail! Thanks so much for support. It really means a lot!

      Subrina <3

  6. Hugs girl. Some days you just have to put one foot in front of the other and be happy with that one step forward. Holidays do seem to have added a lot of extra stress to TTWD for many people. Master and i have had some extra stress too, on top of our normal stresses. Hang in there. Keep communicating.

  7. Thanks Scarlet....thanks for the support! I'm trying! It's not easy but I know I have him here to support me. I knew there was a reason I hated the holidays!!!

    I'm sorry for your added stress. I know your situation isn't easy and I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining!! Keep your head up and you will be together soon!

    Subrina <3