I don't know where to begin. I am feeling weird. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days. I can't explain what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm not feeling like I normally do.
This past weekend Mr. D and I went to our middle sons band competition. At these comps we have quite a bit of time to ourselves, as long as our little one doesn't go with us. Mr. D and I got into an argument on the way to the comp....it was about an hour drive. He ALWAYS complains about this but He was bitching about my driving and I kind of snapped at him. I felt he was attacking me. If I can make up an excuse.....I think Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I get very emotional.
We get to the comp not really speaking to each other. My feelings are hurt and I'm mad. He's mad because I yelled at him. We are cordial to each other during the comp....about 3+ hours. We are walking back to the car and he says "hey" and he wants me to stop. We are standing on the corner.
"I want to apologize to you. I wasn't complaining but you worry me."
I just stared at him. I never said a word, I just looked up at him and listened. He went on to tell me that he worries about me. I take a lot of chances and drive a little crazy. I finally spoke and told him that I drive no different than I always have. For some reason he now is scared.
We didn't really resolve anything but I did appreciate him apologizing. We drove home, he slept and I had my own little concert in the car! We got home really late. We both got undressed and knocked out.
On Sunday I slept almost the whole day. I'm not sure if I slept because I was feeling kind of sad, mad, upset, depressed or because I think that stupid bitch is coming for a visit! Either way, he pretty much left me alone and let me do my thing. I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. That's when you know there is something wrong!!
He's been bugging me as to what is wrong. I have a hard time telling him when I'm not even sure myself. What do I say? Today we talked and he admitted some pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure he wants me to share but the role reversals and changes have really made an impact.
It seems the more control I give up, the more he takes. (isn't that what's supposed to happen) Which is what I wanted. But I think it has him a little nervous. He is so used to living "wherever the day takes me". Now he is taking responsibility for things, he is making decisions and it scares the hell out him. I think he is feeling vulnerable and not sure what to do with that.
On the other side of it.....the more he takes control, the more I give up. When we were talking today I realized that I am acting different. I am acting like "wherever the day takes me" and he is the one in control, he's safe, he's conservative, he's somewhat calculated. I, on the other hand, am living a little more on the edge, a little more wild, a little more free. And it's scaring the hell out of me (and him too!)
The shift in our relationship is very noticeable. Well, I think it is! I feel like I can give up more control because I know he is going to be there to keep me safe, to protect me, to make sure everything is ok. I trust him. WOW....did I just say that out loud? Holy shit! I. trust. him! I. TRUST. him! I trust HIM! OMG that feels so amazing to say and believe it! I really do trust him!
In the past, I didn't feel that. I didn't trust him. I wasn't able to let go and live. I wasn't able to feel secure enough to let go. Now, I feel like I can do that. Now I feel like I can be wild and free and .......still feel safe!
oh my gawd...............