Monday, November 4, 2013

How Can I Trust Him

I haven't posted in a few days. I was talking to a blog friend and she asked if everything was ok. This was sooooo sweet because she has a lot going on with her right now and dealing with some difficult things. And even though her head is spinning she thought of me. Thank you so much, you don't know how much that meant to me.

I did tell her that everything was actually going well. I had a thought for a post but was still trying to work out how and what exactly to say. I wasn't sure. I have a post and I know exactly what to say!

Mr. D and I have been getting along so well. We have talked about some things. We have talked about things we might want to try. I really think we're headed in the right direction and I'm excited. Things have been really good!

Tonight my youngest had a flag football game. Mr. D kind of coaches but he mainly helps out. He just wants to be a parent on the team. We had a dad that stepped up to coach so Mr. D just gets to enjoy the game. We don't have a very good team, we struggle most games. The team we were playing tonight is pretty good and we have known them for years. But we were on our game tonight. We were giving them a run for their money. We were losing but playing well!

The refs were really bad tonight, not calling anything. And if your kids have ever played sports you know that when your team is losing the refs calls seem to get worse and definitely not in your favor. Mr. D has a reputation of being hot tempered during games. Well tonight was no different.

I thought we had gotten past this. I thought this was left in the past. He has really been different since we started TTWD. He seemed more in control of his emotions. He didn't really seem to let these little things bother him. And I have been so proud of him. But unfortunately past practice always seems to rear it's ugly head.

Our son (kind of)  got hurt in tonight's game. Not really bad.....and he is a major drama queen! I mean he's-gonna-win-an-Emmy-one-day drama queen. He was getting hammered and hurt his shoulder. He grabbed his shoulder and bent over like he was dying. Mr. D went out to the field to see if he was OK and as soon as he got out there my son started to cry. Well, that's all Mr. D needed to see!

He kind of tosses my son to the side (not like throwing him, just kind of moving him) and the ref tried to get in front of him and he pushed him to the side. He storms across the field to the other side of the field yelling at the whole sidelines and then gets in the coaches face. I have no idea what he said nor do I care. The ref is yelling "if he goes over there you will forfeit this game" OK like that mattered....we were losing anyways!!!

As soon as I saw him take off across the field I yelled his name. He completely ignored me. I was tending to my son making sure he was ok. When you have a drama queen ya just never know if their really hurt or not!! So I have my arm around him and we leave the field and head to the car. Mr. D walks up and hands my son his tennis shoes and tells him to hold them. We continue to walk towards the snack shack and the parking lot. The other team goes running by us to the snack shack to get their snacks. Mr. D is walking and starts to take off his jacket.

OK why would he take off his jacket if we are leaving? He is going to do something stupid!

"We are going home. You can find your own ride!"

"What? I'm going home too? What are you talking about?" As he puts his jacket back on and had this WTF pissed off look on his face

I continue to walk with my son to the car. We drive home, get out of the car and go in the house. He is really pissed off. He comes storming in the door and goes to the bedroom. I go to the kitchen and clean up dinner dishes. We haven't spoken to each other yet and it's almost bed time.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling more. I am extremely embarrassed. We have played against this same team for 6 years now. They usually beat us in football and basketball and we go back and forth in baseball. I still can't believe he ran across the field and said I don't know even know. Really?

I'm just as pissed off as I am embarrassed. I seriously thought those days were behind us. He has changed so much since starting TTWD and I just feel like we have taken 20 steps backwards. He isn't talking to me and I really have nothing to say to him. I'm afraid to talk because I'm not sure of what I'll say. It's better to just keep to myself and not say anything. But I can tell he is a little nervous. He's not really sure what to do with him self. He's going in and out of the bedroom. I think he knows he screwed up and he's not sure what to do now.

More than being embarrassed and pissed off I am extremely disappointed. We have come so far in this lifestyle. He has really made some great changes within our marriage and personally. I am so proud of the changes he has made. But this........this just killed it. I feel like we are never going to be able to get where we were headed. I mean really, if he can't control his temper at our sons flag football game that means absolutely can I trust him to lead us? How can I trust that he's going to make the best decisions for us? How can I trust him that when faced with something he's not going to lose his shit!

OMG the more I write about it the more hurt I get. I can't believe he acted like that. Really, how am I ever going to completely trust him in/with TTWD? I mean I am so hurt, mad, angry, pissed off, disappointed, shocked, embarrassed......UGH! I don't know even know what to say.

I need to go to bed.

I had a SHITTY day at work.

And now this.

Good night.

Subrina <3


  1. Awe Subrina, I am so sorry. Old habits do die hard and we are all only human. On the plus side, it sounds as though he realised what he was doing and stopped the situation from escalating any further. I would bet he is angry with himself, not you. He recognises he made a mistake, and that's a good thing.

    Even though this happened, as you said there have been positive changes both in your relationship and in each of your personally.


    1. Thanks Roz!
      I understand hes human but for me...this was a huge step backwards. I know he regrets it but whats done is done. Just when i was starting to trust him, i feel like ive been kicked in the stomach.

      He has made changes and i think thsts why thisvis harder to deal with!! Thanks for your support!

  2. I'm sorry Subrina, I know how you feel and it's ok to feel so discouraged and to question trust and leadership, its how you feel. But Roz is right, he's recognized his behavior and is probably more upset at himself. I bet before ttwd things would have gone farther. So maybe things are changing, they may be very small changes but they are changes. Just give him some time to process and
    then go to him and talk. Listen to him and be supportive. Our men can be very hard on themselves when they feel like they have disappointed us.

    1. Thanks Kim for the support!! I know hes human but just so disappointed.

  3. remember, He is human. i had to remember this tonight as well. Human means make mistakes, bad judgement calls, and or access a situation incorrectly. It happens. i hope by now you have called down and seen that He has made strides. Yes, He overreacted, but what led up to it? Could something at work caused a little more stress, could the frustration that He needs something yet not sure how to handle it, etc? He is pretty much doing this blindly, and He needs you there. You both need to COMMUNICATE! Weren't you just telling me the same thing?

    By the way, i took that advice and let Sir in last night when my melt down occurred, instead of just acting like all was okay and push Him away. Progress. Look at the progress. Everything will not always be peaches and creams. It's how you handle that makes the difference in the aftermath. ((hugs))

    1. I hear you loud and clear. Im trying. He called me this morning and tried to talk and i just didnt know what to say. I was afraid that if i started talking i wouldnt be able to stop....i would be mean, disrespectful and hurtful. So i said nothing. i was afraid i left brain-to-mouth filter at home.

      Ya know i really hate when yoy turn my advice back on me!!!!! Glad you opened up. Cant wait to read all about it!

  4. That's a difficult situation. Sometimes I can have a short fuse as well and the best thing to do is for my wife to give me some space. Us men often are MOSTLY angry at ourselves for being, well, so angry. Kind of a cycle but like Roz and R&K I agree to just give it some time.

    1. Thank you Foothills for your comment. Its always nice to get the Dom perspective.

  5. Oh Subrina, you are not alone! Master (weird) is like this too. I have to share... I had taken my oldest, she was around 2 I think, to a kids place that has those coin operated machines that you ride. Well, she went over to look at a tractor that a boy was riding, this boy looks down at her and punches her right in the face! When I told Master (still weird) about what happened, he asked why I didn't call the cops. I mean, really, the cops?! The boy was like 5! I would have hated to see what he would have done if he was there. Men will be men.

    My advice. I imagine Mr. D is feeling pretty shitty right. He knows exactly what he did was wrong, he knows you are mad and why, he is punishing himself enough. Tell him it's okay and you love him. Yep, I'm saying to let him off the hook. He is giving himself the spankings and you need to provide the comfort that comes after. You both need to move past this, and that is not going to happen until 'you' are over it.

    1. Thank you Misty so much for this commet and the support.

      LOL Mr. D would have probably done the same the police.....or he would have looked for the dad!!!

      After reading you comment, along with everyone elses....i text Mr. D and told him that i loved him and im over it.

      You all are right....he is disappointed in himself. I guess thats enough. So now we move on to the make up sex!!! I love fighting with him!! lol jk

  6. What a shitty day, and all that over some stupid flag football. And I know drama queens, you just never know what is real, how hurt is this child of mine?
    And I think it sounds like he already realized his mistake, maybe he is embarrassed? DH gets embarrassed when he knows he dropped the ball and then usually pulls away even more. Which is when (if I can) I get over the initial thing, and do something to show him my commitment to being submissive and sit by his feet because in that moment he feels like he doesn't have the right to ask that of me.
    Hope you guys figure it out soon. Hugs though in the meantime.

    1. Thank you Julia for the comment. He is pretty mad at himself. Because of all you and your great advice im over it! Thanks again

  7. Oh crap, I have another post in my drafts folder that is sure to make you think again that I'm stalking you for writing fodder...

    I'm sorry you had a crappy day.

    You will trust him again with ttwd. I'm certain. Because to err is human, and he is human.

    1. LOL lil....I don't think that. I think that when you read someone's post it can trigger a thought and then a new post is formed. I love reading your post away!!! was really really crappy! I know I will trust him and maybe I'm being a little to hard on him.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  8. Good luck in dealing with all the drama. Hope things get better.


    1. Thank you FD for commenting. I know we will work it out.....just takes time and patience, so I've been told!!! hehe