I don't know what's wrong with me? I have been fighting with D the last couple of days and over really stupid stuff. I think I know what's going on and I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's not his fault and he really hasn't done anything wrong....these are my issues and I really need to fix things.
I was hoping for sex sometime this weekend but that's not going to happen. D has been sick since Valentines Day. He never gets sick, not really sick but this time he is pretty sick. He has all of the typical symptoms, he's lethargic, fever, cough, aches and pains. I have been giving him meds to take but nothing seems to be working. I really feel bad for him and wish I could make him feel better. I tried yesterday with a BJ....he enjoyed it but not nearly as much as I would have liked him to.
So I have been told over and over and over again that I need to communicate. I need to be honest and open about things I'm feeling. So here's the thing...(blushing), I HATE when D is sick or there is something wrong with him. I know I know, this is not something that he has any control over but I still hate it. I know what you're thinking....everyone hates when their loved one is sick. You're right, but probably not for the same reason as I do.
You see, I have wanted D to be in control and more dominant for quite some time, years even. He hasn't really taken the lead on that but we are working on it and I am happy where we seem to be heading. The problem is when he gets sick or hurt I feel he can't be this dominant person I want and is now dependent on me, almost child like. He is not capable of the "dominant" role when he is like this. So I have a hard time "babying" him and tending to him. I know I am a HORRIBLE wife but I just feel like he is weak. He has spoiled me in that he has always been my strong protector, babied me, he has always done things for me or taken care of things (small things) and when he is sick he can't be that person I am so used to. WOW how selfish am I? :/ I think more than anything it scares me but at the same time I feel so guilty and like such a terrible wife, I have a hard time dealing with him. I find myself being short with him when he needs me the most. :( Seriously, what is wrong with me?
Today we got into a fight and I yelled at him. He never yelled back and he didn't really say much. He just listened to me yell and when we got home I went to our bedroom and he laid down on the couch. We didn't say much to each other and that's pretty much how it's been for the rest of the day. He did come in the bedroom and ask if I was still mad at him and I just shook my head no and kept doing what I was doing, he went back to the couch.
(Actually the fight was because of his control-or lack of. He got mad today in our sons basketball game and I felt like he should have had more "self" control. This was the 2nd game (this season) this has happened)
So here I sit wondering 1) what's wrong with me and why am I such a horrible wife and 2) is this D/s thing really going to work? After the fight I thought about it and was now mad because he didn't put a stop to my rant! He just let me go and say whatever I wanted to say, and I yelled at him. This is how it usually happens and then he's over it and we move on, end of it!
I've been told that we should start the D/s thing in the bedroom and leave it there for a while and see how it goes. There should be no punishment in it outside of the bedroom. I am the one that wants this D/s relationship to work. I am the one that wants him to be in control and be more dominant. I'm the one that keeps leading him in the "Dom" direction and hoping that he will figure it out. But How can he be more dominant if I can't be more submissive? How is he ever going to get control if I won't give it up? Should I worry about it right now, since we are really only doing this in the bedroom? Is he even capable of being the dominant person that I want? Am I capable of being any kind of submissive? Am I tyring to rush to much and be the full D/s couple that I have envisioned?
Maybe I'm feeling all these things because he has been sick and we haven't really spent any time together nor have we had any kind of conversation. I know he's sick, I get it. I'm just hoping that there is some kind of excuse for all of these horrible feelings and behavior!