Dominic and I both got ready for out date and finished up our "lists". We had a couple of errands to run before we set out and neither one of us mentioned the white elephant that was hovering over us. We went about our normal living and talked about anything but the "list" or this crazy lifestyle that I was plunging us into.
We went to dinner and were seated and he jumped right in to the topic. I was a little shocked that he brought it up but was pleased, this is a good sign right? I kinda tested the waters to see how he was going to react to the whole D/s thing. I didn't say to much at first and just kinda let him bring stuff up and see what he was thinking and feeling. We had talked about this somewhat, mostly through text and not in to much depth. This was it, we were laying all our cards out on the table and damn was I nervous. This could go either way. He could either jump right in and just roll with it or he could get up from the table and run!
We continued to talk and the "list" was brought up a few times but neither one of us wanted to give our list to the other! During the conversation I realized that I was waaaay ahead of D in the knowledge of this D/s relationship. Not that I am an expert, far from it, but I have read books and blogs and done some research on it. So I know a (very) little about it. Unfortunately he hadn't really done any homework on the topic. He did visit a couple of blogs that I suggested to him but didn't really read to much. In all fairness to him, besides him HATING to read and do "homework" he is pretty busy with school and the kids sports and just life!
The conversation continued and I really thought we were getting somewhere. D seemed to be very interested and was willing to try this. He asked questions and would listen intently to my answers. He seemed to be very honest with me in his answers. He said that he thinks we should take the advice of Dauntless and Sir J to take it slow and just leave it in the bedroom for now. And as we went on I was starting to get excited. This really might work!
Then things started to go south. The conversation started to get really deep and he got scared. D said that he didn't think that I would be able to be a Sub (what he thinks a sub is, giivng up control) and I told him thats where he comes in. He said he wasn't a shrink! He had no idea how deep a D/s relationship could be. He just thought it was rough sex and ordering me around. Don't get me wrong, him and I are extremely close and are truly BFF's. He just didn't think that it was so mental and emotional. We have never "worked" at our relationship, it has just always worked. Now he feels like we are going to have to work and it scared him. What if he couldn't do what I was asking? What if this didn't work and I went looking for what I want? (I'm not even sure WHAT I want really, but I do want something and this lifestyle intrigues, fascinates, excites me). He knew that things were going to change and would he be up for the challenge.
We never stopped talking but I could see that things were not going well. D wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve. When I would say things or ask him questions or comment I could SEE what he was thinking. I kept telling him he needs to learn a "poker face" until he deals/processes it because at this point, what he was saying didn't match what he was feeling. He was scared, nervous and maybe even a little upset.
I started feeling guilty! Here I was telling the man I love with all my heart to be someone else, to be someone he's not. What kind of wife am I? If I love him and am happy why would I ask for change? Was I not happy with our relationship/marriage? Honestly I couldn't answer any of those questions. I really didn't think this was going to be so hard for ME. I had this all figured out, all I had to do was get him on board and the rest would fall into place. I knew what I wanted (or so I thought) and all we had to do was talk about, right? Man was this not going as planned!
After dinner we went for coffee/hot chocolate. We exchanged "lists" (reluctantly) and started to discuss them. Neither one of us seemed to be upset by the others "list". There were some similiarities albeit not many! And then it happened! I'm not exactly sure what happend between dinner, when things took a turn for the worse and coffee, but something changed. All of a sudden D starts to explain to me EXACTLY what I wanted. And what I wanted wasn't him! WTF??? Did we just take a wrong turn and headed for splitsville? He said that yes, he's a man but not the kind of man that I want right now. D said that I want a take-charge kind of man and one that will take more control. He wasn't sure how this was going to work and didn't think I could do this becuase I'm such a control freak. While I'm listening, never saying a word to him, I was smiling (in the beginning of his talk), like OMG he gets it! He understands! Now we're on the right track., he'll be this person and all will be right in the world. As he continued to have this one sided conversation with me I started to cry. He never stopped talking and never took his eyes off of me. He was telling me stuff that was hard to hear and the more he talked the more guilty I felt.
After he was finished he asked me why I was crying? He never came over to comfort me and never said anything reassuring, he just stared at me. (I liked that...he wasn't going easy on me like usual. He was standing his ground and forcing me to deal with this. Wasn't treating me like his princess right now) I told him that I felt soooo bad for him and felt like I was being mean to him for even bringing this up. He is sooooo good to me and how could I do this to him? I was ready to just forget this whole topic ever came up and go back to the way it was, pre D/s topic. But he wouldn't let me! (thinking: isn't this what a Dom does? Pushes you and makes you face whatever it is you need to? Forces you to communicate? Maybe this will work) He just kept saying it's ok, you're not hurting my feelings, I don't feel your questioning my manhood. I just didn't realize how much there is to this type of relationship. I am going to have to do some research on this, do they have like a Dom class I can go to? He put a smile on my face and I thought OMG, he is really wants to do this!
We went home after and emotional evening and didn't bring it up again. For me, I just figured I said what I needed to say, he knows what I want (kinda) and I'm just going to have to be patient. I need to take this slow and after our date I realized that I wasn't. I wanted the relationship established on our date and we were just going to go from there. That was pretty foolish of me, but as long as I learn from my mistakes and don't keep making them, all is good. To finsih the night off we had the most amazing sex. (our sex life has never been an issue-we are amazing together!!) He was TOTALLY in control and I was absoutely his for the taking!
I'm happy and content with our date! I think we are headed in the right direction. He is willing to try and learn what it is to be in this type of lifestyle. That's half the battle!