Monday night D and I got into another fight, for the same reason as the last fight a few nights ago. He blew up at out sons basketball game, got mad at the ref for the calls or the non calls and it just went downhill from there. I kept telling him to let it go but he was like a storm brewing and I could see it coming. After he blew up I got mad at him for acting like he did. We didn't speak for the rest of the night. I went to work and had no intentions of speaking to him while I was at work.
I think the reason for his "blow ups" was he has to much on his plate right now. We live with his parents and he pretty much does EVERYTHING for his dad. He is just finishing school (graduates next week), has been applying for jobs and going on interviews like crazy, dealing with the kids and then his wife brings this crazy idea of trying a new lifestyle AND she just expects him to figure it out in a day or two. (I know......COMMUNICATION) Yea, that pretty much sums it up!
Usually while I'm at work I will text him when I can (I'm a bus driver) and I always call him on my lunch break. Well because I was soooooo pissed off I didn't text or call him. He text me a few times but I just ignored him. He finally called while I was on my lunch break (pretty much same time every day) and I reluctantly answered the phone, knowing that this was going to be a rough conversation, and it didn't disappoint! :/
He asked me why I was so pissed off and I really couldn't give him an answer. Deep down I knew why but I coudn't tell him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION!!!) It really had nothing to do with the actual incident.....that was just the event that brought it all out. I could see him sitting in the stands "brewing" and I knew what was coming. (I think I've said before that D wears his emotions on his sleeve and I can read him like a book, he hides nothing!) I kept telling him to let it go but he wouldn't/couldn't. As I'm watching him "blow up" I thought to my self....If he can't control himself how the hell do I expect him to control me???
OMG!!!!! The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I just thought there is nooooooo waaaaaay this D/s lifestyle can happen. This really isn't going to work. My next thought is now how the hell do I tell him that's really why I'm mad?? I mean, I was pissed for how he acted but the truth was, I was having serious doubts about this journey that we were trying to take.
So back to our phone call.....he asks me if this is how I'm going to treat him, not speaking to him? I told him that I really didn't have anything to say to him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION...epic fail) He went on to tell me that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this and that he is soooo confused and his head is spinning. He doesn't know how to act anymore with me, he doesn't know what I want him to be and in 18 years we have never had to work at our relationship and now it doesn't seem to be working. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Then he said something that almost killed me....he said "ya know I don't think I'm the man you want anymore.....I'm the man you LOVE but not what you WANT" WOW was that hard to hear. I didn't know what to say or how to react, so I did as I always did....I said nothing. I think the silence confirmed what he was saying and that terrified me. Even if I was thinking it (and I'm not sure I was...maybe), to actually hear the words come out of his mouth was devastating to me.
Being that I was at work and my lunch was coming to an end, we ended the call both agreeing that we needed to talk and figure this out. I also realized that I had a vision of what/how/who I wanted him to be but yet I haven't really explained it to him. Now here I am getting mad at him for not giving me what I want...when he doesn't have a clue. I know......COMMUNICATION!
I have always thought that D and I communicated very well and honestly. But this topic is much more difficult that I thought it would be. I am so afraid to tell him what I want or what I think I need because I am afraid of his reaction. Like I said before....he is like an open book and his face tells much more than the words coming out of his mouth. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt his feelings, make him mad, disappoint him or he's going to think I am absolutely NUTS!!! The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. Usually when things bother me I just keep them to my self because I'm afraid of his reaction....it's just easier that way. But here I have brought this crazy idea/lifestyle to him and he has never said "are you crazy I'm not doing that" .....all he has ever said is that he will try. Damn what more can I ask for? So why is it soooooo damn hard to COMMUNICATE???!!!!! UGH I am sooooo frustrated with myself.
I called him on my way home from work and asked him if he wanted to talk. I knew this would be a pretty good time for a few reasons.....1) we wouldn't be interrupted 2) the kids were at school and 3) I wouldn't have to look at him! But he said no we would just talk when I got home. Can I just say....I was really disappointed and a little hurt. Anyway, we tried to talk when I got home but we just kept getting interrupted (like I knew we would!!!). We eventually talked and we, yes we, have come to the conclusion that 1) I need to slow my roll and stop wanting him to live up to this unrealistic vision I have, 2) we need to learn about this lifestyle TOGETHER, and 3) I seriously need to communicate what I want. I did COMMUNICATE to him that he needs to force me to talk and he said he would try. He really is an amazing husband and is very good to me......just sayin!
So this is where we're at.......I guess these bumps are expected and I'm sure not very surprising to some of you.