Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Monday night D and I got into another fight, for the same reason as the last fight a few nights ago. He blew up at out sons basketball game, got mad at the ref for the calls or the non calls and it just went downhill from there. I kept telling him to let it go but he was like a storm brewing and I could see it coming. After he blew up I got mad at him for acting like he did. We didn't speak for the rest of the night. I went to work and had no intentions of speaking to him while I was at work.

I think the reason for his "blow ups" was he has to much on his plate right now. We live with his parents and he pretty much does EVERYTHING for his dad. He is just finishing school (graduates next week), has been applying for jobs and going on interviews like crazy, dealing with the kids and then his wife brings this crazy idea of trying a new lifestyle AND she just expects him to figure it out in a day or two. (I know......COMMUNICATION) Yea, that pretty much sums it up!

Usually while I'm at work I will text him when I can (I'm a bus driver) and I always call him on my lunch break. Well because I was soooooo pissed off I didn't text or call him. He text me a few times but I just ignored him. He finally called while I was on my lunch break (pretty much same time every day) and I reluctantly answered the phone, knowing that this was going to be a rough conversation, and it didn't disappoint! :/

He asked me why I was so pissed off and I really couldn't give him an answer. Deep down I knew why but I coudn't tell him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION!!!) It really had nothing to do with the actual incident.....that was just the event that brought it all out. I could see him sitting in the stands "brewing" and I knew what was coming. (I think I've said before that D wears his emotions on his sleeve and I can read him like a book, he hides nothing!) I kept telling him to let it go but he wouldn't/couldn't. As I'm watching him "blow up" I thought to my self....If he can't control himself how the hell do I expect him to control me???

OMG!!!!! The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I just thought there is nooooooo waaaaaay this D/s lifestyle can happen. This really isn't going to work. My next thought is now how the hell do I tell him that's really why I'm mad?? I mean, I was pissed for how he acted but the truth was, I was having serious doubts about this journey that we were trying to take.

So back to our phone call.....he asks me if this is how I'm going to treat him, not speaking to him? I told him that I really didn't have anything to say to him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION...epic fail) He went on to tell me that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this and that he is soooo confused and his head is spinning. He doesn't know how to act anymore with me, he doesn't know what I want him to be and in 18 years we have never had to work at our relationship and now it doesn't seem to be working. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Then he said something that almost killed me....he said "ya know I don't think I'm the man you want anymore.....I'm the man you LOVE but not what you WANT" WOW was that hard to hear. I didn't know what to say or how to react, so I did as I always did....I said nothing. I think the silence confirmed what he was saying and that terrified me. Even if I was thinking it (and I'm not sure I was...maybe), to actually hear the words come out of his mouth was devastating to me.

Being that I was at work and my lunch was coming to an end, we ended the call both agreeing that we needed to talk and figure this out. I also realized that I had a vision of what/how/who I wanted him to be but yet I haven't really explained it to him. Now here I am getting mad at him for not giving me what I want...when he doesn't have a clue. I know......COMMUNICATION!

I have always thought that D and I communicated very well and honestly. But this topic is much more difficult that I thought it would be. I am so afraid to tell him what I want or what I think I need because I am afraid of his reaction. Like I said before....he is like an open book and his face tells much more than the words coming out of his mouth. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt his feelings, make him mad, disappoint him or he's going to think I am absolutely NUTS!!! The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. Usually when things bother me I just keep them to my self because I'm afraid of his's just easier that way. But here I have brought this crazy idea/lifestyle to him and he has never said "are you crazy I'm not doing that" .....all he has ever said is that he will try. Damn what more can I ask for? So why is it soooooo damn hard to COMMUNICATE???!!!!! UGH I am sooooo frustrated with myself.

I called him on my way home from work and asked him if he wanted to talk. I knew this would be a pretty good time for a few reasons.....1) we wouldn't be interrupted 2) the kids were at school and 3) I wouldn't have to look at him! But he said no we would just talk when I got home. Can I just say....I was really disappointed and a little hurt. Anyway, we tried to talk when I got home but we just kept getting interrupted (like I knew we would!!!). We eventually talked and we, yes we, have come to the conclusion that 1) I need to slow my roll and stop wanting him to live up to this unrealistic vision I have, 2) we need to learn about this lifestyle TOGETHER, and 3) I seriously need to communicate what I want. I did COMMUNICATE to him that he needs to force me to talk and he said he would try. He really is an amazing husband and is very good to me......just sayin!

So this is where we're at.......I guess these bumps are expected and I'm sure not very surprising to some of you.

Subrina <3


  1. I agree with your conclusions. This is not a race. There is no timetable to meet. I know you're excited and trying to jump right in with all the D/s dynamics, but take it slow. He needs time to adjust and sounds like he has a lot of other stuff on his plate as well. He is correct about doing this together. You can't do it separately. You have to be able to look at it together and talk about it. And yes you have to be able to open up and tell him what you want and see in this. Without that you'll go nowhere. Yes, it may be hard, but the way things are now is hard as well. So, you might as well just tell him and let him process it and work through it together. This shouldn't drive you apart, but rather bring you together. So...yes...Communicate!!!


    1. Thank you DV for you comment! You're right, I am excited, I do need to take it slow, I do need to communicate, I do need to give him time to process and adjust, we do need to learn together! I really didn't think this was going to be so difficult for me. LOL I thought I had this all figured out, I just needed to get him on board. WOW....epic fail!

      I seriously think you should just teach a class!!!

  2. DV's said it pretty well. There's no way you can expect him to just magically figure everything out.

    It took my husband the better part of nine years to really, really get it. We played at it and it was hot, but it took a lot of talking and a lot of letter-writing (on my part! the talking was so hard at first - letters were just easier!) to finally, finally get to a place where we were both on the same page.

    Does your husband know about this blog? Mine has found reading mine to be incredibly helpful - and I find when writing to a wider audience, sometimes, it feels less intensely personal than if I was merely directing it straight at him.

    1. Hi Conina! Thank you for your comment...I agree, DV has very good advice.
      NINE years??? Oh man! Well, we've been together 18 years and plan on many more, so I guess I can wait. Hopefully we will figure this thing out. I agree with the letter writing....I do email him and text him. Face to face is sooooo hard :/

      Yes, D know's about the blog and has read it. I'm not sure how much of it he's read tho.

  3. During most of the years we've been together I have this mental picture; it is of me trying to run down the road toward something I think would be great, grabbing Dave's hand, trying to pull him along with me to get him to move at the fast speed I want to move at, and he's trying to move at his own speed, slow me down a bit, move a little more cautiously. I'm like an excited little girl wanting to get there fast, and he's watching for pitfalls and downed limbs on the road. I'm frustrated at him, but he's frustrating me because he's moving so slow. He's not really, just moving at his own pace.

    My husband is a very smart man, and when I brought this lifestyle to him he approached it as he does everything. This time though I've found that I'm gaining something I needed very much, patience. With this situation it wasn't like with others where if he didn't move fast enough I would take matters into my own hands and move ahead without him, many times regretting not taking a slower approach. This time that kind of action on my part would completely defeat the purpose; running ahead of him is not being submissive, nor is pulling him along trying to get him to go at my pace. I needed to learn to slow down to his pace. There are so many rewards I've experienced along the way by just letting my husband be the man he is, and wait patiently. That is what submission is, waiting on our dominant. Sometimes we wait a little, sometimes the wait is longer. Dave reminds me that we spent a great many years living a certain way, we are not going to change it overnight. And the times he didn't see it a priority to invest time learning about this lifestyle because life was going on, was when I worked on being submissive quietly. I hope this makes sense. And, you know...communication.

    1. WOW Jacquie....what a great analogy, thank you for sharing. I am really trying to "slow my roll" and take this at his pace. But damn is it hard. The other thing I'm really trying to do is get rid of this "vision" I have in my head of what I want him to be. If I'm going to be with him then I need to let him be him and not some unrealistic fantasy that I have concocted in my head.