Patience!

 

 

Patience.....that's a hard one! That's exactly how I feel....not in control. I'm an only child, the oldest grandchild by 4 years....I am used to getting what I want when I want it. Dominic has kept that going in our relationship as well. Then I get this crazy hair-brain idea that I want to be in a D/s or TTWD relationship. I tell D and he's all for it....."Sure babe, let's do it"

 

So what's the problem? Why is this not happening? Yea Yea I know.....patience! I need to let him do this at his pace. Why is patience so hard?? Why is waiting so hard???

 

That was really hard to read, the reality of it! But I know he is willing and he wants to try so I'm not giving up! I know this will happen down the road and I am going to wait, and wait, and wait until he's ready! (as if I had any other choice....I am on his time)

 

 

OK I need to read this one over and over and over again! (I tend to be a smartass at times). I think I have a good attitude, maybe you should ask D. We haven't been fighting but we also haven't been talking, well at least not about this. I guess right now life is getting in the way and we need to let everything settle down a little bit. A lot of new things are happening in our lives and I guess his focus is on that. That's ok, I'm glad that he's focused on that!

 

This is how I really feel!!!! LOL Gawd I hate waiting. I guess if this "journey" teaches me anything it will definately be patience! I just hope that the grass is greener on the other side!

Someone told me that their beginning of the journey was long and they had to be patient and wait for Him to take the lead. In the meantime she worked on herself and how to be submissive. I didn't even think of that....all I keep focusing on his Him and what he needs to do, huh like I"m so perfect ( :/ *blushes*)  I guess I need to start working on me and figuring out my role in this relationship.

Anyone have any ideas for me? Where do I begin? How do I become more submissive? Even if he's not playing the "dominant" role yet? Well, I'm off to read some of your blogs and see if I can get some answers. Thank you and I love that I can count on your blog and your journey to help in mine. Blogland rocks!

Subrina <3



I know.......COMMUNICATION!

Monday night D and I got into another fight, for the same reason as the last fight a few nights ago. He blew up at out sons basketball game, got mad at the ref for the calls or the non calls and it just went downhill from there. I kept telling him to let it go but he was like a storm brewing and I could see it coming. After he blew up I got mad at him for acting like he did. We didn't speak for the rest of the night. I went to work and had no intentions of speaking to him while I was at work.

I think the reason for his "blow ups" was he has to much on his plate right now. We live with his parents and he pretty much does EVERYTHING for his dad. He is just finishing school (graduates next week), has been applying for jobs and going on interviews like crazy, dealing with the kids and then his wife brings this crazy idea of trying a new lifestyle AND she just expects him to figure it out in a day or two. (I know......COMMUNICATION) Yea, that pretty much sums it up!

Usually while I'm at work I will text him when I can (I'm a bus driver) and I always call him on my lunch break. Well because I was soooooo pissed off I didn't text or call him. He text me a few times but I just ignored him. He finally called while I was on my lunch break (pretty much same time every day) and I reluctantly answered the phone, knowing that this was going to be a rough conversation, and it didn't disappoint! :/

He asked me why I was so pissed off and I really couldn't give him an answer. Deep down I knew why but I coudn't tell him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION!!!) It really had nothing to do with the actual incident.....that was just the event that brought it all out. I could see him sitting in the stands "brewing" and I knew what was coming. (I think I've said before that D wears his emotions on his sleeve and I can read him like a book, he hides nothing!) I kept telling him to let it go but he wouldn't/couldn't. As I'm watching him "blow up" I thought to my self....If he can't control himself how the hell do I expect him to control me???

OMG!!!!! The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I just thought there is nooooooo waaaaaay this D/s lifestyle can happen. This really isn't going to work. My next thought is now how the hell do I tell him that's really why I'm mad?? I mean, I was pissed for how he acted but the truth was, I was having serious doubts about this journey that we were trying to take.

So back to our phone call.....he asks me if this is how I'm going to treat him, not speaking to him? I told him that I really didn't have anything to say to him. (I know.....COMMUNICATION...epic fail) He went on to tell me that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this and that he is soooo confused and his head is spinning. He doesn't know how to act anymore with me, he doesn't know what I want him to be and in 18 years we have never had to work at our relationship and now it doesn't seem to be working. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Then he said something that almost killed me....he said "ya know I don't think I'm the man you want anymore.....I'm the man you LOVE but not what you WANT" WOW was that hard to hear. I didn't know what to say or how to react, so I did as I always did....I said nothing. I think the silence confirmed what he was saying and that terrified me. Even if I was thinking it (and I'm not sure I was...maybe), to actually hear the words come out of his mouth was devastating to me.

Being that I was at work and my lunch was coming to an end, we ended the call both agreeing that we needed to talk and figure this out. I also realized that I had a vision of what/how/who I wanted him to be but yet I haven't really explained it to him. Now here I am getting mad at him for not giving me what I want...when he doesn't have a clue. I know......COMMUNICATION!

I have always thought that D and I communicated very well and honestly. But this topic is much more difficult that I thought it would be. I am so afraid to tell him what I want or what I think I need because I am afraid of his reaction. Like I said before....he is like an open book and his face tells much more than the words coming out of his mouth. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt his feelings, make him mad, disappoint him or he's going to think I am absolutely NUTS!!! The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. Usually when things bother me I just keep them to my self because I'm afraid of his reaction....it's just easier that way. But here I have brought this crazy idea/lifestyle to him and he has never said "are you crazy I'm not doing that" .....all he has ever said is that he will try. Damn what more can I ask for? So why is it soooooo damn hard to COMMUNICATE???!!!!! UGH I am sooooo frustrated with myself.

I called him on my way home from work and asked him if he wanted to talk. I knew this would be a pretty good time for a few reasons.....1) we wouldn't be interrupted 2) the kids were at school and 3) I wouldn't have to look at him! But he said no we would just talk when I got home. Can I just say....I was really disappointed and a little hurt. Anyway, we tried to talk when I got home but we just kept getting interrupted (like I knew we would!!!). We eventually talked and we, yes we, have come to the conclusion that 1) I need to slow my roll and stop wanting him to live up to this unrealistic vision I have, 2) we need to learn about this lifestyle TOGETHER, and 3) I seriously need to communicate what I want. I did COMMUNICATE to him that he needs to force me to talk and he said he would try. He really is an amazing husband and is very good to me......just sayin!

So this is where we're at.......I guess these bumps are expected and I'm sure not very surprising to some of you.

Subrina <3

Me, Submissive? Maybe!

I don't know what's wrong with me? I have been fighting with D the last couple of days and over really stupid stuff. I think I know what's going on and I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's not his fault and he really hasn't done anything wrong....these are my issues and I really need to fix things.

I was hoping for sex sometime this weekend but that's not going to happen. D has been sick since Valentines Day. He never gets sick, not really sick but this time he is pretty sick. He has all of the typical symptoms, he's lethargic, fever, cough, aches and pains. I have been giving him meds to take but nothing seems to be working. I really feel bad for him and wish I could make him feel better. I tried yesterday with a BJ....he enjoyed it but not nearly as much as I would have liked him to.

So I have been told over and over and over again that I need to communicate. I need to be honest and open about things I'm feeling. So here's the thing...(blushing), I HATE when D is sick or there is something wrong with him. I know I know, this is not something that he has any control over but I still hate it. I know what you're thinking....everyone hates when their loved one is sick. You're right, but probably not for the same reason as I do.

You see, I have wanted D to be in control and more dominant for quite some time, years even. He hasn't really taken the lead on that but we are working on it and I am happy where we seem to be heading. The problem is when he gets sick or hurt I feel he can't be this dominant person I want and is now dependent on me, almost child like. He is not capable of the "dominant" role when he is like this. So I have a hard time "babying" him and tending to him. I know I am a HORRIBLE wife but I just feel like he is weak. He has spoiled me in that he has always been my strong protector, babied me, he has always done things for me or taken care of things (small things) and when he is sick he can't be that person I am so used to. WOW how selfish am I? :/  I think more than anything it scares me but at the same time I feel so guilty and like such a terrible wife, I have a hard time dealing with him. I find myself being short with him when he needs me the most. :(  Seriously, what is wrong with me?

Today we got into a fight and I yelled at him. He never yelled back and he didn't really say much. He just listened to me yell and when we got home I went to our bedroom and he laid down on the couch. We didn't say much to each other and that's pretty much how it's been for the rest of the day. He did come in the bedroom and ask if I was still mad at him and I just shook my head no and kept doing what I was doing, he went back to the couch.
(Actually the fight was because of his control-or lack of. He got mad today in our sons basketball game and I felt like he should have had more "self" control. This was the 2nd game (this season) this has happened)

So here I sit wondering 1) what's wrong with me and why am I such a horrible wife and 2) is this D/s thing really going to work? After the fight I thought about it and was now mad because he didn't put a stop to my rant! He just let me go and say whatever I wanted to say, and I yelled at him. This is how it usually happens and then he's over it and we move on, end of it!

I've been told that we should start the D/s thing in the bedroom and leave it there for a while and see how it goes. There should be no punishment in it outside of the bedroom. I am the one that wants this D/s relationship to work. I am the one that wants him to be in control and be more dominant. I'm the one that keeps leading him in the "Dom" direction and hoping that he will figure it out. But How can he be more dominant if I can't be more submissive? How is he ever going to get control if I won't give it up? Should I worry about it right now, since we are really only doing this in the bedroom? Is he even capable of being the dominant person that I want? Am I capable of being any kind of submissive? Am I tyring to rush to much and be the full D/s couple that I have envisioned?

Maybe I'm feeling all these things because he has been sick and we haven't really spent any time together nor have we had any kind of conversation. I know he's sick, I get it. I'm just hoping that there is some kind of excuse for all of these horrible feelings and behavior!

Subrina <3
Submissive? Maybe!

Happy Valentines Day

Since today is Valentines Day I want to say THANK YOU to Dominic for being such an amazing husband! I don't think I'm easy to love and I tell him that all the time. Of course he doesn't agree with me and just keeps loving me. But no matter what I do or what I throw at him he always adjusts. He has never thought about walking away no matter how crazy things get. We have had some rough times, not in our relationship just in life, and he has ALWAYS stuck by me.

The past 18 years have been great and I'm looking forward to the next 18 with him. This new journey we are about to embark on is scary but I know that as long as I'm with him everything will be ok. It always has!

I know I ask a lot of him, especially now venturing into this new lifestyle. I know that I'm asking him to be something that is totally different than what we are used to, but being the amazing husband that he is, he has listened to me, embraced it and is working hard to make this work, for me!!!! (I really think he's enjoying it too!!)  I'm still not sure what I did to deserve someone so good to me.

Throughout our entire relationship we have NEVER had to work at it, it has always just worked! I know he's nervous about this journey (and so am I for that matter) and feels that now we are going to have to work at our relationship. What if it doesn't work?? Will we be able to go back to the way it was?? I have no idea but I really just can't see this NOT working! We are both so open and honest with each other and communicate very well, I just think that we will be able to fall right into this and live happily ever after! Am I crazy?

I sooooo appreciate him and love that, not only he loves me but he shows me how much he loves me. I truly am his princess! As long as we are going through this together we will be ok.

Happy Valentines Day to you all! I hope you enjoy your day/night and spend it with the one that you love!

Subrina <3

What Just Happened?

What the hell just happened???? At night D and I sit in bed and he watches TV and I'm on the computer, either reading a book or doing research on this lifestyle that we are headed for.

Last night was no different. We talked a little about our journey and what might be up ahead, but nothing too deep or worth mentioning. I get up pretty early...4:30am so I got ready for bed. D stood up and said "come here". I said it's past my bedtime and I need to get to bed. He said "come here" in a more stern voice along with this look....a new look! A look that I don't ever remember seeing!

Well, since we are supposed to be venturing into this D/s lifestyle I thought ok lets see how this goes! I crawl across the bed and he drops his pants and motions for me to start sucking. I want to be a sub right....so I did the sub thing and did as I was told! I'm not real sure what happened or how it happened but OMG it was freaking HOT!!!! I sucked him for a while and he just kept telling me what a good girl I was. I never knew how much I loved to hear that! And then he started fingering me while I sucked him. He continued this for a little while (very little while) and then all of a sudden he pulled away from me. I thought wait a minute, we're not done are we? Then he tells me to get doggy style (my favorite!!!) and then he takes me!!

WHOA....what is happening??? Who is this guy fucking me??? This is soooooo HOT I can't even begin to tell you! (yea yea ok ok ....I know I'm not the first to experience this, but damn I'm glad I got to)

He fucks me until he cums. Then he lays down with me, hugs me and kisses me and then LEAVES THE ROOM!!!!!!!! WOW! Wait.....Seriously?  That's it?? Your leaving?? What about me???

I'm used to getting my way and used to being taken care of, always!!! (We have an amazing sex life already but I have a feeling it's about to be kicked up a notch or two or three!!!!) Now, here he is "taking me" and getting what he wants and leaving me wet and wanting more. I'm still not sure what's going on.....at first I was kinda hurt and even a little pissed. But it only lasted all of about 30 seconds!

Still confused, I realized that I was sooooooo thrilled and pleased that I just pleased HIM! That was totally for HIM!!!!! And in some strange way I was OK with it. Better than ok.....I was sooooo freakin happy!!! OK, what is going on? This is strange! Don't get me wrong, we've had sex before and I haven't "finished" but for some reason this was different. I'm sure those of you that are past this stage can totally understand where I'm coming from.....but it's all so new to me and I didn't realize how excited/satisfied/happy I would be pleasing him!

This morning I went to work and that's all I could think about.I had butterflies in my stomach and I spent all day wet!!!! I text him and thanked him for last night. I told him how HOT it was and how much I liked it. I was totally shocked at his answer......

I thought you would feel that way cuz your use to that (getting your way). I did if for a reason....to see how you would react and I felt I needed to start somewhere. Don't worry you'll  be rewarded!!!

WHOA....WHAT???????? Is D doing his homework? Is he really trying this D/s relationship and taking it seriously?? I think so! And let me just tell you that this sub (in training) couldn't be more happy! I am still confused (and wet!!) at the way I felt/feel but it's a good feeling! I'm just a little surprised at how everything happened and how I felt afterward. Who knew I would be soooooo happy and elated pleasing him. Is this an AHA moment for both of us???

Subrina <3

So Far So Good

Dominic and I are still on this D/s journey. We are talking a lot about it and doing research together. I have read Dauntless' blog post and some of the comments and they made soooo much sense.

I am going at this waaaaay to fast and also not including him. I am doing research and reading stuff and not telling him about it. I am expecting him to do this on his own and figure it out by himself. And then magically we will be in a D/s relationship!!! OK OK I know.....I have to slow my roll! I need to stop rushing this and we need to learn about all of this together.

D has started to read a blog or two and has some questions. I was so proud of him and soooo happy that he, not only did this BUT emailed someone to asks some quesitons. He really is trying and I couldn't be happier. I'm so greatful that I have a husband that is willing to do anything for me, even when his wife comes to him and says "hey hun, lets start a D/s relationship!"

While I expect him to be the "Dom" in this relationship and know how to act, I was thinking I should probably work on being a "sub". As much info as I have read and research I have done, I'm not really sure HOW to be a sub. Yea, I can listen (maybe) when he tells me to do something. I can definately do what he tells me during sex, but I know there is more to being a sub than just doing whatever I'm told.

So, I'm off to do more research and reach out to a few subs for some help.

Subrina

Date Night Results

Dominic and I both got ready for out date and finished up our "lists". We had a couple of errands to run before we set out and neither one of us mentioned the white elephant that was hovering over us. We went about our normal living and talked about anything but the "list" or this crazy lifestyle that I was plunging us into.

We went to dinner and were seated and he jumped right in to the topic. I was a little shocked that he brought it up but was pleased, this is a good sign right? I kinda tested the waters to see how he was going to react to the whole D/s thing. I didn't say to much at first and just kinda let him bring stuff up and see what he was thinking and feeling. We had talked about this somewhat, mostly through text and not in to much depth. This was it, we were laying all our cards out on the table and damn was I nervous. This could go either way. He could either jump right in and just roll with it or he could get up from the table and run!

We continued to talk and the "list" was brought up a few times but neither one of us wanted to give our list to the other! During the conversation I realized that I was waaaay ahead of D in the knowledge of this D/s relationship. Not that I am an expert, far from it, but I have read books and blogs and done some research on it. So I know a (very) little about it. Unfortunately he hadn't really done any homework on the topic. He did visit a couple of blogs that I suggested to him but didn't really read to much. In all fairness to him, besides him HATING to read and do "homework" he is pretty busy with school and the kids sports and just life!

The conversation continued and I really thought we were getting somewhere. D seemed to be very interested and was willing to try this. He asked questions and would listen intently to my answers. He seemed to be very honest with me in his answers. He said that he thinks we should take the advice of Dauntless and Sir J to take it slow and just leave it in the bedroom for now. And as we went on I was starting to get excited. This really might work!

Then things started to go south. The conversation started to get really deep and he got scared. D said that he didn't think that I would be able to be a Sub (what he thinks a sub is, giivng up control) and I told him thats where he comes in. He said he wasn't a shrink! He had no idea how deep a D/s relationship could be. He just thought it was rough sex and ordering me around. Don't get me wrong, him and I are extremely close and are truly BFF's. He just didn't think that it was so mental and emotional. We have never "worked" at our relationship, it has just always worked. Now he feels like we are going to have to work and it scared him. What if he couldn't do what I was asking? What if this didn't work and I went looking for what I want? (I'm not even sure WHAT I want really, but I do want something and this lifestyle intrigues, fascinates, excites me). He knew that things were going to change and would he be up for the challenge.

We never stopped talking but I could see that things were not going well. D wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve. When I would say things or ask him questions or comment I could SEE what he was thinking. I kept telling him he needs to learn a "poker face" until he deals/processes it because at this point, what he was saying didn't match what he was feeling. He was scared, nervous and maybe even a little upset.

I started feeling guilty! Here I was telling the man I love with all my heart to be someone else, to be someone he's not. What kind of wife am I? If I love him and am happy why would I ask for change? Was I not happy with our relationship/marriage? Honestly I couldn't answer any of those questions. I really didn't think this was going to be so hard for ME. I had this all figured out, all I had to do was get him on board and the rest would fall into place. I knew what I wanted (or so I thought) and all we had to do was talk about, right? Man was this not going as planned!

After dinner we went for coffee/hot chocolate. We exchanged "lists" (reluctantly) and started to discuss them. Neither one of us seemed to be upset by the others "list". There were some similiarities albeit not many! And then it happened! I'm not exactly sure what happend between dinner, when things took a turn for the worse and coffee, but something changed. All of a sudden D starts to explain to me EXACTLY what I wanted. And what I wanted wasn't him! WTF??? Did we just take a wrong turn and headed for splitsville? He said that yes, he's a man but not the kind of man that I want right now. D said that I want a take-charge kind of man and one that will take more control. He wasn't sure how this was going to work and didn't think I could do this becuase I'm such a control freak. While I'm listening, never saying a word to him, I was smiling (in the beginning of his talk), like OMG he gets it! He understands! Now we're on the right track., he'll be this person and all will be right in the world. As he continued to have this one sided conversation with me I started to cry. He never stopped talking and never took his eyes off of me. He was telling me stuff that was hard to hear and the more he talked the more guilty I felt.

After he was finished he asked me why I was crying? He never came over to comfort me and never said anything reassuring, he just stared at me. (I liked that...he wasn't going easy on me like usual. He was standing his ground and forcing me to deal with this. Wasn't treating me like his princess right now) I told him that I felt soooo bad for him and felt like I was being mean to him for even bringing this up. He is sooooo good to me and how could I do this to him? I was ready to just forget this whole topic ever came up and go back to the way it was, pre D/s topic. But he wouldn't let me! (thinking: isn't this what a Dom does? Pushes you and makes you face whatever it is you need to? Forces you to communicate? Maybe this will work) He just kept saying it's ok, you're not hurting my feelings, I don't feel your questioning my manhood. I just didn't realize how much there is to this type of relationship. I am going to have to do some research on this, do they have like a Dom class I can go to? He put a smile on my face and I thought OMG, he is really wants to do this!

We went home after and emotional evening and didn't bring it up again. For me, I just figured I said what I needed to say, he knows what I want (kinda) and I'm just going to have to be patient. I need to take this slow and after our date I realized that I wasn't. I wanted the relationship established on our date and we were just going to go from there. That was pretty foolish of me, but as long as I learn from my mistakes and don't keep making them, all is good. To finsih the night off we had the most amazing sex. (our sex life has never been an issue-we are amazing together!!) He was TOTALLY in control and I was absoutely his for the taking!

I'm happy and content with our date! I think we are headed in the right direction. He is willing to try and learn what it is to be in this type of lifestyle. That's half the battle!

Subrina

Date Night

Being that we have no idea about this D/s lifestyle or know anyone that is in it, I have been doing some research! I wasn't sure how to go about starting this journey or how to talk about this with Him. I have found some great blogs from Doms and Subs with a wealth of information. I have read so much but it's all so overwhelming. I have so many questions and concerns and I didn't know where to turn. Well I decided to reach out to a couple of these blogs and see what they had to offer....let me just tell you, I was absoutely thrilled with our conversations.

I was reading a couple of blogs and really liked what they had to say. I liked their way of thinking and their appraoch to this lifestyle. I liked how they seem to handle themselves and their subs. I sent them an email and wasn't to sure what to expect after hitting send. I was nervous and a little afriad they wouldn't answer. Then I was nervous and afriad, what if they did answer?

My email to them basically explained that Him and I were starting this journey and if they had any advice for us. I was concerned because although I don't know much about this lifestyle I have read some books, blogs and have done some research. He has done NOTHING and just knows what I have briefly told Him, which isn't much. So I really had no idea how to go about bringing this up and what to say or where to go from here. I was pleasantly surprised they both answered me and within a day or so AND with some great adivce!

Dauntless was pretty upfront and explained that since we have been married for so long that there could be some hurdles along the way. He gave me some pros and cons and things that he thought might work or not work. He suggested that we take it slow, there is no rush and maybe just start in the bedroom. He reassured me that this could work as long as this is something we both want or are willing to try. That was HUGE for me! I didn't want Him to think I was crazy or to look at me any differently and after reading what he had to say, it definately gave me a lot more confidence to go ahead with this.

Sir J was pretty much the same but a little more blunt! He asked some tough questions that I had a hard time answering. He didn't really hold anything back, which I liked! He gave me a TON to think about came up with this "list" idea. I absoutely LOVED this idea and sent it to my hubby. I explained how it worked and what he needed to do and he was totally on board with it.

The list is something that we both have to do...we have to write 10 things that we would like to get out of this "switch" or this D/s lifestyle. What a great idea! So tonight hubby and I have a date, we're going to dinner and we are going to exchange "lists" and talk about it. I am soooo nervous and excited and scared!

Wish me luch and I'll let you know how our date goes! Thank you Dauntless and Sir J for the great advice and I'm sure this wont be the last you hear from me. You both have been absoutely AMAZING!!!!! Thanks agian!

Change

Well it's still pretty new to him...my requests, wants, needs and desires. I'm sure it's probably thrown him off a little bit but I don't think I'm asking for toooooo much. He has agreed to try but when? When are things going to change? Do I really want them to change? Will the change be for the better?

He's not a homework kinda guy but I thought since he agreed to this change that he would do some homework. At least do some basic research, look some stuff up. As far as I know he has done nothing and nothing has changed. We were supposed to go on a "date" and we were gonna talk about this change, that never happened either. In all fairness to him, it wasn't his fault. He had it planned but things came up with the kids and we just couldn't make it happen. :/

Right now I have no answers to any of these questions but I can tell you that our sex life has changed! He has totally stepped up his game!!! I don't know where it's coming from, hell maybe he is doing some homework.....whatever its AMAZING!

He has made our own flogger, he is starting to take more control over me, tie me up and spank me. He is still afraid to spank me or use the flogger on me too much, he is sooo afraid he's gonna hurt me. I keep telling him that I will let him know when it's too much. I want him to push me and see how much I can take. I'm not a big fan of pain...ok well let's be honest...I HATE PAIN and am a HUGE baby when it comes to pain. BUT...pain during sex is HOT!!!! :p

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to keep it in his mind and let him know this is what I want. Maybe we should start out a little more slow, maybe just in the bedroom....hmmmm, yeah let's see how that goes!

Stay tuned!

This Just Might Work

Well, hubby and I have been talking (well actually texting) about this topic and if we should/could go forward with this D/s lifestyle. He is absoutely clueless to this lifestyle, not like I'm a pro or anything but I have read Fifty Shades!!!! LOL j/k j/k But, I have read several books and I have done a lot of research on the internet. I'm still in the dark about this lifestyle but I do know more about it than he does. He thought it was all sex, whips and canes!!! OK well that too but we need to work on the Dom part too!

I have been trying to enlighten him about the Dom role and he was a little shocked. He had no idea that it was going to be a lifestyle change. He just thought he would tell me "get your clothes off woman, get on the bed and put your ass in the air" and then maybe some spanking!! LOL Gawd I love him!! Anyway, I described it best I could without really knowing everything. I told him it is a presence, controlling, commanding, demanding, confidence, posture and you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. So my dear sweet hubby says "I think I'm misunderstanding this whole Dom thing. When I hear Dom I think of sex, but I think I know what you want, I will try. How about we start with small things"

OMG seriously???? He's gonna try?? For me??? I can't even begin to tell you happy and excited I was when I read that. I guess we'll just have to see how he does. I kinda feel like I'm topping from the bottom here. hmmmmmm I don't know.

A Lil Background

Just thought I would share a little more background on my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and have 3 great boys. We have been pretty happy in our marriage and adapt to changes well. Like I said before, I have always made all of the decisions and pretty much done things my way, he just went along with whatever I said.

I met my husband while working at a local retail store, I was his supervisor!!! So as you can see I have always been the "dominant" one in the relationship. The first year we were together he got mixed up with an old friend and started using again. I was not going to allow both of us (me and the drugs) to be in his life, he had to choose. Well as you can tell he made the right decision.

But getting him clean took my dominant personality to change things and make things different. We didn't do it like the text books or the way the counselor say you should. I treated him like a child, I took the keys away from him, he was not allowed to leave the house without me and he stopped all contact with his old friends. Yea I know....not how it should have happened, but it worked! He has been clean for 17 years!! I'm sooooo proud of him!! <3

My point is, I have always been the dominant one and I'm really really nervous as to how this D/s relatioinship is going to go down. I want him to find his husband swag and be the Dom I know he can be. The question is, can I be the sub I sohuld be? I guess we'll have to wait to find out.

What The Hell?!

I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm not a writer and don't write well. I write like I talk. I was inspried by another blog that I found and thought what the hell....why not.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, after reading Fifty Shades I became fascinated with the whole D/s relationship. I have always tried to get my husband to be more of the Head of Household and make more of the decisions and I would just follow his lead. But it didn't really work out like that. Now, having read these book, (and btw I LOVED them!!!!) I am even more interested in wanting to live this lifestyle.

I have no idea what I'm doing or anything about this lifestyle. I have done some research on the internet (I know I know....that is a horrible place to start) and have found some pretty interesting info. I don't know anyone who is in the lifestyle, but man do I wish I did. I have soooooooo many questions and don't exactly know where to turn.

I thought I would start this blog to see how our journey goes into this new and exciting (I think) time for us. Just so you know, this is ALL my idea. I have hinted around to him for a while but decided I needed to do more. He wasn't exactly taking the hints I was giving him, although maybe I just wasn't giving very good hints!! I guess that could be possible! Anyway, I have sent him some links to a blog that I absoutely loved. He has started reading it but I haven't really heard anything from him.
I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, and a little worried about his reaction. He is pretty passive in our relationship. I usually make all the decisions (or together we will) and he pretty much lets me do whatever I want.

Unfortunately I think we established very early in our relationship that I pretty much wore the pants in our family. Well I don't know if I'm going through a mid life crisis or if Fifty Shades really brought out the Sub in me that has always been there. Either way, this is our journey!