OK OK no more mushy stuff!
We have since talked about what was going on and have worked through some things. I have a really hard time talking to him and telling him how or what I'm feeling. I can do it through email or text, but face to face kills me! UGH I just can't do it. I am definitely one of those that when he asks what's wrong....I say nothing!
"After 19 years, why is it so hard for you to talk to me?"
"I don't know. I am so afraid I'm going to hurt your feelings and emasculate you. I can't stand to see the look on your face if I've hurt your feelings."
"OK. Then we need to come up with a way that you will feel comfortable. How about if I turn my back, that way you don't have to look at me?"
LOL "No, I don't want to look at your back and talk to you. Do I hurt or have I hurt your feelings?"
"No."
"Well that's good, cuz that's the last thing I want to do."
So, I think we have figured out some of the problem......
I told him that I think one of the big problem is trust. I explained the kind of trust that I was talking about. Because let's face it, there are all different types of trust.
I trust that he is not going to let anything bad happen to me, that he is always going to keep me safe. I trust that he is not going to cheat on me. I trust that he is not going to hurt me, mentally, emotionally or physically.
So, you're probably asking if I have all of this trust in him then where is the non-trust?
I know there is no right or wrong way to live D/s or TTWD. I know you mold it and make it what works for you and your partner. But I don't trust him with the lifestyle (yet). I don't trust that he knows what to do or how to do it. Not saying that I do, by any means.
For example, when I get bratty or disrespectful he gets frustrated. He will walk out of the room or just ignore it, leaving me feeling disappointed. He doesn't deal with it. He has a couple of rules in place, if I break one of them he will mention it and that's it, never to be talked about again. If he asks me to do something and I don't get it done, it's not brought up. If it is brought up I will make an excuse why it didn't get done and he's ok with it, always!
This is all still pretty new to us and we are both learning how to make these changes. I know they are not going to happen over night. But I would like a little consistency. I would like for him to stick with what he says. He is getting better and is really putting an effort, and I am so grateful for that.
Here I am........leaping!
Subrina <3
Hi Surbina,
ReplyDeleteAh, the other 'C' word .. consistency. You said you don't trust him with this lifestyle yet. I get that, you don't trust that he will follow through with his words. Just as you feel this way, he may feel the same way, in that he may not yet fully trust that you are on board with ttwd, even if you were the one to bring it to him.
From what I understand, many HoH's struggle early on with "how can she possibly want this" etc. He needs to feel confident that this is really what you want in order to step up. I know I have said this to you before, but this mutual trust takes time, patience and communication.
Speaking of communication, if you find it difficult to open up to him face to face right now, how about writing it down for him. Does he read your blog for instance? Rick reads mine and we have found it a great tool in our relationship as it gives him an insight into my thoughts and feelings.
Hugs,
Roz
Hi Subrina,
ReplyDeleteConsistency....I know it's so hard and frustrating. I remember feeling this same way. I tried every approach to get Rog to understand that I needed his consistency and we always ended back up in the same place. I finally decided to just ask him to deal with me everytime I broke a rule. This was really hard for me to do but after 3 or 4 times he started dealing with things without me asking. This relationship was so new to both of us and I wasn't the only one who needed guidance, he needed guidance to build his confidence up to become a good HOH.
Hugs,
Kim
So try an experiment. Be more submissive and respectfully communicate with him when you need him to stand up to you.
I'm glad you're leaping! Sometimes it is hard to do.
ReplyDeletesometimes taking a leap of faith is exactly what you need. :-) Hugs, Terps
ReplyDeleteIm hoping it works! Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteSubrina