The last time I posted I was in a Horrible Place. I wasn't feeling very submissive and acting like a brat. I vented my frustration here in "blogland" and got some really great advice and a lot of support. Thank you so much for caring. I truly appreciate your words and the time you take out of your busy day to comment. It sure does make this journey a little easier having a place to come and vent and not be judged.
OK OK no more mushy stuff!
We have since talked about what was going on and have worked through some things. I have a really hard time talking to him and telling him how or what I'm feeling. I can do it through email or text, but face to face kills me! UGH I just can't do it. I am definitely one of those that when he asks what's wrong....I say nothing!
"After 19 years, why is it so hard for you to talk to me?"
"I don't know. I am so afraid I'm going to hurt your feelings and emasculate you. I can't stand to see the look on your face if I've hurt your feelings."
"OK. Then we need to come up with a way that you will feel comfortable. How about if I turn my back, that way you don't have to look at me?"
LOL "No, I don't want to look at your back and talk to you. Do I hurt or have I hurt your feelings?"
"Well that's good, cuz that's the last thing I want to do."
So, I think we have figured out some of the problem......
I told him that I think one of the big problem is trust. I explained the kind of trust that I was talking about. Because let's face it, there are all different types of trust.
I trust that he is not going to let anything bad happen to me, that he is always going to keep me safe. I trust that he is not going to cheat on me. I trust that he is not going to hurt me, mentally, emotionally or physically.
So, you're probably asking if I have all of this trust in him then where is the non-trust?
I know there is no right or wrong way to live D/s or TTWD. I know you mold it and make it what works for you and your partner. But I don't trust him with the lifestyle (yet). I don't trust that he knows what to do or how to do it. Not saying that I do, by any means.
For example, when I get bratty or disrespectful he gets frustrated. He will walk out of the room or just ignore it, leaving me feeling disappointed. He doesn't deal with it. He has a couple of rules in place, if I break one of them he will mention it and that's it, never to be talked about again. If he asks me to do something and I don't get it done, it's not brought up. If it is brought up I will make an excuse why it didn't get done and he's ok with it, always!
This is all still pretty new to us and we are both learning how to make these changes. I know they are not going to happen over night. But I would like a little consistency. I would like for him to stick with what he says. He is getting better and is really putting an effort, and I am so grateful for that.
Here I am........leaping!