I don't know what's going on. I feel so out of sorts. I'm irritated. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I'm bitchy, moody, bratty, just aaaaaahhhhhhhhh UGH! I feel a disconnect with him.
All of these feelings and no explanation. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. We did get into an argument, but nothing to cause all of this.
As much as being dominant is new to him, being submissive is very new to me. I was raised with the idea that you didn't let a man tell you what to do or wait on them or do things for them. My single mom was all about womens rights, equality, blah blah blah. On top of that I have a pretty dominant personality.
My hubby has always let me lead. He has always let me step up to the front. He has always let me take care of things, let me be the mouth piece. Not that he didn't do anything, but he just followed my lead. Now I want him to be the leader and me to follow. hhhmmmm
Am I setting us up for failure?
Is being submissive something that I am even capable of doing?
My poor hubby has been trying to be dominant. Every time he tries I either laugh or absolutely just refuse whatever it is he is asking.
I laugh because it's so out of the norm. He has never acted like that and it just sounds funny when he is trying to be stern or strict with me. I also think it's because I don't trust him. I don't trust that he means it. I don't trust that what he is saying is what he really means. I don't trust that there will be any follow through.
When he tries to be dominant and I refuse....he gets frustrated with me. DUH I totally understand why! But it just seems so foreign to me to go with it. And then he will just kind of give up because he is so frustrated.
"Why do you always throw up your hands and say 'fuck it' when you don't know what to do?"
"Why can't you just be submissive? Why can't you just do what I ask? You asked for this and yet you fight me at every turn. Are you sure this is what you want?"
HHHHMMMMMM Good question!
"I don't know why I fight you. Yea, I think this is what I want."
I really don't know why! I mean, he's right, I did ask for this. I do want him to be HOHy and Dominant....then why can't I be submissive? WTF? UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH
I feel that if he was more dominant then it would be easier to be more submissive. But then I think, well if I'm more submissive he will be more dominant. WOW....like a damn dog chasing it's tail! Stupid!
DAMMIT I want him to take charge. I want him to be the boss. I want him to stand up to me. I want him to not baby me. I want him stick to his guns. I want him to be consistent. I want him to follow through with things.
Maybe my problem is ME! Maybe I'm irritated, frustrated and mad at myself. Maybe I'm realizing that this just might not work. Maybe this just isn't something I am capable of. Maybe that's where all of these feelings are coming from.
I am looking to him to get me out of this. I am looking to him to help me figure this out. I am looking at him to grab me and say we are going to figure this out NOW! I am looking to him to lead.
I am putting everything off on him huh? :/ Not very submissive huh? :/
So where the hell do I go from here? How do I get outta of this horrible place? How do I work on submission when I'm not even sure I can do it.
Why do I want this? Because all of the books make it sound so exciting and thrilling and perfect?
Who is it?
Reality! Stop acting like a fool!
Did you ever feel like you couldn't be submissive? Did you ever feel like...what am I doing?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch lately. I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and the way I have been treating you. You are so good to me and treat me like a princess and I'm so grateful. I love you!