Friday, September 27, 2013

Horrible Place

I don't know what's going on. I feel so out of sorts. I'm irritated. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I'm bitchy, moody, bratty, just aaaaaahhhhhhhhh UGH! I feel a disconnect with him.

All of these feelings and no explanation. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. We did get into an argument, but nothing to cause all of this.

As much as being dominant is new to him, being submissive is very new to me. I was raised with the idea that you didn't let a man tell you what to do or wait on them or do things for them. My single mom was all about womens rights, equality, blah blah blah. On top of that I have a pretty dominant personality.

My hubby has always let me lead. He has always let me step up to the front. He has always let me take care of things, let me be the mouth piece. Not that he didn't do anything, but he just followed my lead. Now I want him to be the leader and me to follow. hhhmmmm

Am I setting us up for failure?

Is being submissive something that I am even capable of doing?

My poor hubby has been trying to be dominant. Every time he tries I either laugh or absolutely just refuse whatever it is he is asking.

I laugh because it's so out of the norm. He has never acted like that and it just sounds funny when he is trying to be stern or strict with me. I also think it's because I don't trust him. I don't trust that he means it. I don't trust that what he is saying is what he really means. I don't trust that there will be any follow through.

When he tries to be dominant and I refuse....he gets frustrated with me. DUH I totally understand why! But it just seems so foreign to me to go with it. And then he will just kind of give up because he is so frustrated.

"Why do you always throw up your hands and say 'fuck it' when you don't know what to do?"

"Why can't you just be submissive? Why can't you just do what I ask? You asked for this and yet you fight me at every turn. Are you sure this is what you want?"

HHHHMMMMMM  Good question!

"I don't know why I fight you. Yea, I think this is what I want."

I really don't know why! I mean, he's right, I did ask for this. I do want him to be HOHy and Dominant....then why can't I be submissive? WTF? UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH

I feel that if he was more dominant then it would be easier to be more submissive. But then I think, well if I'm more submissive he will be more dominant. a damn dog chasing it's tail! Stupid!

DAMMIT I want him to take charge. I want him to be the boss. I want him to stand up to me. I want him to not baby me. I want him stick to his guns. I want him to be consistent. I want him to follow through with things.

Maybe my problem is ME! Maybe I'm irritated, frustrated and mad at myself. Maybe I'm realizing that this just might not work. Maybe this just isn't something I am capable of. Maybe that's where all of these feelings are coming from.

I am looking to him to get me out of this. I am looking to him to help me figure this out. I am looking at him to grab me and say we are going to figure this out NOW! I am looking to him to lead.

I am putting everything off on him huh? :/  Not very submissive huh? :/

So where the hell do I go from here? How do I get outta of this horrible place? How do I work on submission when I'm not even sure I can do it.

Why do I want this? Because all of the books make it sound so exciting and thrilling and perfect?


Who is it?

Reality! Stop acting like a fool!

Did you ever feel like you couldn't be submissive? Did you ever feel like...what am I doing?

Subrina <3

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch lately. I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and the way I have been treating you. You are so good to me and treat me like a princess and I'm so grateful. I love you!


  1. i wish i blogged early on. hell, maybe i need to blog when i still have these moments. i know others will tell you the same -you are not alone. when i get like this and share with Him, i am advised to be humble and ask for what i truly need.
    i have to think long and hard, then will go to Him and ask for what i truly need(a mandate, a spanking, etc, all depending on when/if i saw Him and why i felt this way. i also include the reason why i need it and my goal for it).

    giving up control is hard. trust is hard. look at yourself first. ask yourself what is really bothering you, what do you really want, why, will it make you happier, etc,

    this is not easy. i know my blog shows more of the "fun" side, and that is because i'm the type that doesn't share my anguish well, so it's kept locked in me, which is hell at times. Not because i don't get to see Him, but because i question can i do this, can i be submissive, etc.

    good luck....keep talking to Him, keep giving up control, and Tennessee it takes time. hugs.

    1. Thanks HS for your comments. OMG I knew this was going to be difficult but dammit....I never realized how hard giving up control. And I feel so guilty that I don't completely trust him...that's why I can't give up the control. UGH
      Who's freakin idea was this????

      Subrina <3

  2. Damn auto correct... and *remember it takes time

  3. Oh Subrina, you are so not alone, I think we have all been there and go back there from time to time. Yes you can do this. It takes time, patience and communication.

    Giving up control is not easy, just as leading isn't easy for him. You are both changing old habits and it takes time to work out what is right for your and your relationship. Keep talking to him. You are right too, dominance and submission really do feed each other. Also, when he does step up, let him know you appreciate him doing so.

    Hang in there! You will figure this out.


    1. Thanks Roz for your support. Old habits are soooooo hard to break. And you would think it wouldn't be that hard because I want to do this. But damn if they don't keep rearing their ugly head, and just when I think I'm doing ok.

      I do tell him that I appreciate that he is trying. And I also will notice when he is trying to be dominant and make sure I tell him.

      Subrina <3

  4. The other girls are right, it takes time. It is so hard to give up control and let things be done his way but you can do it. It will just take time and practice.

    1. Thanks Kim for you comments. I agree, I think they're right, but it doesn't make it any easier!

      Subrina <3

  5. Mr. S and I had a conversation much like this just last night. I think the problem is that we focus on how we 'think' they should act and we put little focus on how we 'should' act. How to change the focus is beyond me.

    Also, if you like the way you feel when you hand over the control and he wants to take control then this can happen. But... it takes time. Damn it, I really didn't want to say that because everyone else has, more or less, said it and I've heard it way too much; seriously, I feel like I could punch the next person that tells me that, lol.

    Try to think of it this way: we are creatures of habit, and habits are hard to break, especially ones you have been doing for 19 yrs, give Dominic and yourself a break.

    1. Hi Misty!

      You hit the nail right on the head. That's exactly what I do.....I have a picture in my head of how I think things should be or how a certain situation should go and it usually doesn't. That seems to be when I get bratty! I wish I could turn on my brain sometimes!!!

      I do like him being in control but it also makes me a little nervous. I think that will come once I completely trust him. Which is a whole other issue!

      It's crazy that we can give other people advice and it's usually advice we have already been given but yet we can't seem to follow it ourselves. What the hell is wrong with us?? LOL

      Subrina <3

  6. My two cents...Realizing what you do is a big part of moving forward. So see, you're making progress and don't even know it!
    Then making a million tiny choices each day about how we interact and respond to them, keeps moving us in the direction we want to go. If we are mindful of how we treat them, it's easier to get outta the horrible place.
    I think that sometimes we let ourselves get carried away with the concept of that one big decision we made to submit, and we forget that submission is about making the choice over and over again in much smaller ways, every day...

    I hope that you get out of the horrible place soon.

    1. Hi lil....thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate your two cents!
      Your words make so much sense. You're right, I didn't even see what I was doing...good and bad! I am slowly coming out of the "horrible place" I was in. Him and I have talked a little about it, which helped! Thanks again for your comments and the post that brought you here! You always seem to put into words what everyone is thinking.

      Subrina <3

  7. Hello Subrina, thanks for stopping by my blog!
    As an HOH I have very little insight into how to be submissive. But I'd encourage you that I think it's normal that part of you wants to fight it. It sounds like you got a lot of good advice here - I can only echo having patience that many have already mentioned.

    1. Thanks Foothills for stopping by and commenting.

      Patience? hmmm yea i seem to have a hard time with that! But im working on it! Thanks again for thw visit!