I was questioning him about some money that was spent. I didn't understand where it all went, so I was asking him about it. He really didn't have an answer for me, so I kind of got a little upset and maybe raised my voice. Yea I know....not smart!
I was driving home from work and he called me, asked me where I was. He said that I had an attitude earlier today when we talked. So when we got home we would be discussing my attitude. Kind of excited!
OK, talk about what? I didn't have an attitude. I was just asking what happened.
Well, the conversation started out alright. But he didn't like that I was still questioning him, and I guess I still had my attitude. I just wanted to know what the hell happened.
Anyway, we got it figured out. But not without some looks, head shaking and complete frustration. And this was all him!!!!!! UGH Not very Dom/Sir like
Well, I don't know why but I still had my attitude.
"I can't do this if this is the way it's going to be. I don't want to have to fight you about money. And you just keep fighting, you won't let it go."
"I just wanted an answer. I didn't understand and wanted you to explain it to me. But all you could say was I don't know. That's not what I wanted to hear"
He just sat there with a pissed off look on his face and shaking his head.
Well unfortunately my attitude got a little out of control. I said in a calm voice....
"Well, I'm waiting for you to do what you always do and throw up your hands, say fuck it and walk out of the room"
He just looked at me.
"I don't want to fight with you, especially about finances"
Then we we're interrupted by our youngest and the conversation stopped. They both got dressed and left for practice. Now here I am, sitting here and disappointed.
I know I shouldn't have acted like that, and I probably shouldn't have questioned him about the money (really it wasn't that much money)....but I fully expected him to take more control. I expected him to not allow me to be so bratty and put a stop to it or at least say something. To be honest, I was expecting him to say something earlier today when we spoke. But nothing!
Is this really that hard? I mean, I know I need to make changes, just as I'm asking him to change. But man, it's so easy to fall back into past practice. I wasn't getting the answer I wanted, I got mad and feel right back into the past. UGH While we we're talking I was thinking I should really shut my mouth. I should really just shut up and let it go, stop being so bratty. But when he didn't say anything or put a stop to it....I just kept going. Will I ever be able to do this?
I get that this is new.....I get that he's trying to find his groove and doesn't know exactly how to act when I act like a damn brat. But come on! I fully expected him to stand up to me and he doesn't. I get so frustrated when he lets me act like that.
I know I need to change too. I know that I shouldn't be acting like that towards him. But when I get upset or mad and I do act like that.....DOM UP!
Dom up and tell me to stop it. Tell me that you are not going to allow me to talk to you that way. Don't put up with my shit. Don't be afraid to be stern with me, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.
***UPDATE***
He called from practice and asked if I was ok. I said the typical female answer "yea, I'm fine!" He knows me too well and knew there was something wrong.
He said that he was sorry and was disappointed in himself. I asked him why.
"When you act like that I still don't know how to react. Well, I do know what I should say or do but it just feels so weird. It feels strange for me to discipline you or to tell you NOT to do something. The blog you sent me (Rodger's Thoughts) really helped but I'm still not sure exactly what to say or do when you are like that."
"I'm sorry that I acted like that. It's so easy to fall back into past practice. I get that, but when you don't do anything I feel like we're just spinning our wheels. I'm disappointed too."
"We will talk more when I get home from practice."
Subrina <3
Hi Subrina,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the argument. I can certainly understand you wanting to know what was going on and your frustration. Those damn old habits are so hard to break and it takes time, effort and a lot of patience. The will keep cropping up from time to time.
The good thing is that you both recognise the issue is still unresolved. I'm glad he called you and hope your talk goes well. Be gentle and patient with each other.
Hugs,
Roz
Hi Roz!
DeleteSeriously, old habits ARE really hard to break UGH! They keep cropping up and I keep trying to push them back down. WHEW!!
Thanks for your comments and encouraging words. I truly appreciate the support.
Subrina <3
I think you have come along way and things are slowly changing. He came to you and said that he is struggling and it feels weird. Well this is huge, he told you his feelings and is thinking about all if it. I remember arguing with Rog and we were falling into old habits, that's when I finally just blurted out what I wanted him to do and it just clicked in his head and he did it.
ReplyDeleteIt felt weird for Rog at first too, but each time it feels less and less weird and more natural.
Hugs,
Kim
Hi Kim!
DeleteAWWWW thank you so much. Sometimes I don't feel like we have made any progress at all and then other times I can't believe how far we have come.
Can I just tell you that Rog has really helped out hubby?? I sent him Rodger's Thoughts and he really liked it. He said it was nice to know that he wasn't alone and that the strangeness and weirdness is pretty common. I told him he should reach out to some of the HOH's if he has questions but I don't think he will. I think it's a man thing!!! LOL
Subrina <3
Unfortunately, I completely understand (the lack of money and the lack of Dominating). But how awesome is it that he admitted he doesn't know how to act?!
ReplyDeleteHi Misty!
DeleteI know right?? It was so great that he came to me and was so honest. I really did appreciate that. Now I just want him to fix it!!!! lol'
Subrina <3
It really took me a while to get it, but DH wants and needs me to not have an attitude, and even if there is one, to still submit, even when I don't think he is being very dom/HoH like. You know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteHi Julia!
DeleteI totally get it, but it's just so difficult. I have blogged about this several times...but the way I feel about it is it would be so much easier to submit if he would be more Dominant!!! I know that's not a good attitude to have and I am trying to change that...but it's still hard.
Thanks for the comment!
Subrina <3
I think it's great you two are communicating. Btw, my sassyness is not allowed, but He has led it slide the last week. it's driving me crazy and i'm trying not to push. His 'easiness' is keeping me from being in the right mindset, so i'm frustrated.
ReplyDeletejust keep communicating. It sounds like what you want will be happening before you know it.
Hi HS!
DeleteI know I'm really happy about the communication. It can be very frustrating when he doesn't follow through and stick to the rules. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's not really on board.
Thanks for the comment.
Subrina <3
Awww...I can really relate. I just wrote a blog post a few days ago about how it's hard not to be venomous when that's what I'm used to doing and it would be easier if he would discipline me every time I open my mouth. I totally get the sentiment. AND the lack of money unfortunately - that's a whole other ball of big fat stress! Anyways, it does sound great that at least he's communicating how he's feeling about things and the fact that he was willing to read another HOHs post is awesome!
ReplyDeleteHi Tomsrose!
DeleteThanks for stopping by and commenting!
I'm gonna go read that post and hopefully I will get some pointers...gawd knows I need them!!
It is really hard to not fall into past practice....and that goes for both of us. I keep saying..I thought it was going to be so easy. this is what I want, he does and BAM....we live happily ever after!! That's how it works in the books!! WOW what a fool I am?! But we are trying and he is absolutely AMAZING. He really is trying and I so appreciate him being honest with me.
Good luck to you and thanks again for commenting!
Subrina <3