I was questioning him about some money that was spent. I didn't understand where it all went, so I was asking him about it. He really didn't have an answer for me, so I kind of got a little upset and maybe raised my voice. Yea I know....not smart!
I was driving home from work and he called me, asked me where I was. He said that I had an attitude earlier today when we talked. So when we got home we would be discussing my attitude. Kind of excited!
OK, talk about what? I didn't have an attitude. I was just asking what happened.
Well, the conversation started out alright. But he didn't like that I was still questioning him, and I guess I still had my attitude. I just wanted to know what the hell happened.
Anyway, we got it figured out. But not without some looks, head shaking and complete frustration. And this was all him!!!!!! UGH Not very Dom/Sir like
Well, I don't know why but I still had my attitude.
"I can't do this if this is the way it's going to be. I don't want to have to fight you about money. And you just keep fighting, you won't let it go."
"I just wanted an answer. I didn't understand and wanted you to explain it to me. But all you could say was I don't know. That's not what I wanted to hear"
He just sat there with a pissed off look on his face and shaking his head.
Well unfortunately my attitude got a little out of control. I said in a calm voice....
"Well, I'm waiting for you to do what you always do and throw up your hands, say fuck it and walk out of the room"
He just looked at me.
"I don't want to fight with you, especially about finances"
Then we we're interrupted by our youngest and the conversation stopped. They both got dressed and left for practice. Now here I am, sitting here and disappointed.
I know I shouldn't have acted like that, and I probably shouldn't have questioned him about the money (really it wasn't that much money)....but I fully expected him to take more control. I expected him to not allow me to be so bratty and put a stop to it or at least say something. To be honest, I was expecting him to say something earlier today when we spoke. But nothing!
Is this really that hard? I mean, I know I need to make changes, just as I'm asking him to change. But man, it's so easy to fall back into past practice. I wasn't getting the answer I wanted, I got mad and feel right back into the past. UGH While we we're talking I was thinking I should really shut my mouth. I should really just shut up and let it go, stop being so bratty. But when he didn't say anything or put a stop to it....I just kept going. Will I ever be able to do this?
I get that this is new.....I get that he's trying to find his groove and doesn't know exactly how to act when I act like a damn brat. But come on! I fully expected him to stand up to me and he doesn't. I get so frustrated when he lets me act like that.
I know I need to change too. I know that I shouldn't be acting like that towards him. But when I get upset or mad and I do act like that.....DOM UP!
Dom up and tell me to stop it. Tell me that you are not going to allow me to talk to you that way. Don't put up with my shit. Don't be afraid to be stern with me, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.
He called from practice and asked if I was ok. I said the typical female answer "yea, I'm fine!" He knows me too well and knew there was something wrong.
He said that he was sorry and was disappointed in himself. I asked him why.
"When you act like that I still don't know how to react. Well, I do know what I should say or do but it just feels so weird. It feels strange for me to discipline you or to tell you NOT to do something. The blog you sent me (Rodger's Thoughts) really helped but I'm still not sure exactly what to say or do when you are like that."
"I'm sorry that I acted like that. It's so easy to fall back into past practice. I get that, but when you don't do anything I feel like we're just spinning our wheels. I'm disappointed too."
"We will talk more when I get home from practice."