I think he thinks I'm running out of patience and is starting to see anxiety. I don't think thats the way I'm acting and I'm definately not trying to do it on purpose. I am anxious and excited to move forward with this journey and to see where it takes us. Maybe I'm not hiding it as well as I think. If you read my posts you will know that I really don't have much patience, but I am learning. It's not easy.
We are both set in out ways. Having been together for 18 years we both have formed some relationship habits, good and bad, and I think that's where our struggle is. We are used to acting a certain way which has always worked for us and now I'm asking for something totally different and we are now having to work at it. I know he doesn't like that one bit.
Last night Dominic and I went out for ice cream and had a long talk. Well it started out as a talk and then kind of got a little sideways. He asked if we could talk about this lifestyle and the journey and I was more than happy to. To me, it meant we were moving forward, taking a few more steps in that direction, making progress. I was so excited! Unfortunately, I ALWAYS play out any and all events in my head. I have a vision as to how I think this is going to go. And yes, I am usually dead wrong and last night was no different.
Dominic explained to me that he is getting more excited about this journey and thinks that this is going to really help our lives in all aspects, not just our personal relationship. He said he has been doing a lot of thinking about it and is pretty confident he is up for the challenge. WOO HOO! But the one thing that he is concerned about is weather I am. WHAT? Of course I am, I'm the one asking for this. He went on to say that he's not so sure because I have a "Subrina" attitude and it's not going to work if I don't get rid of it! I guess I can be a little mouthy, cocky, disrespectful, spolied and bratty. Whoa! Ouch!
I learned and realized a lot about "us" in this conversation. In the beginning of our relationship he was using drugs, I have never used them and don't understand the addiction. Because his life was so out of control, when he started to get clean he decided to give me all control. That's the only way he thought it was going to work, or he would probably relapse. As he gave up control I just kind of took over. I'm already somewhat of a control freak (hence never using drugs!!) so it was pretty easy to step into that role. So over the years I have always been in control of our relationship, made all of the decisions, discplined the kids, financially etc. Not saying I did a good job, but.....I did it!
Now 18 years later, I am asking him to take back the control but not really willing to give it all back, at lease not yet. I told him I needed to trust him to lead us down the right path, so I am not confortable just giving up ALL control right away. He got mad because he said that everything he tried to do/say I would kind of fight him on, decisions he was trying to make I would counter them. And then it hit me...like a damn freight train! WOOT WOOT CHUGA CHUGA This was me pushing him to see how much control he was going to take, and maybe if he was capable of taking it. And everytime I pushed he would just let me keep pushing until I pushed right through. This was me not giving up control because I wasn't comfortable with him taking it, I didn't completely trust him. WOW! Is that what was really happening??
Everything I have ever read or heard about this lifestyle is you have to communicate and be honest. Ok well here goes......Dominic don't you see what is happening?? I push you and you don't push back, you just let me keep pushing! I tried to explain to him what I thought was happening without completely emasculating him and belittling him. I don't think I did a very good job. :( But I think he understood. He then said, "ok if this is what you want and if this is going to work, THIS is going to stop right now!" (THIS being my "Subrina" attitude)
I agree with him! But like I told him, he has to not allow it. I will do my best to get rid of my "Subrina" attitude but I need him to do his part too. If I act like that, I need him to put a stop to it and not put up with my crap. He has NEVER done that...and I know this is a learning process for us both. I know if I want to be "sub' like then I need to start changing my attitude and the way I act and approach him. I'm working on it!
The other thing is we don't do the discpline thing (yet, not sure we ever will). So if I do act like a brat or do something he doesnt like, what is he to do? I don't know the answer to that! And I don't want to come up with any discpline for him to use on me. I think he should do that on his own :/
He really is trying to figure this out and make it work. I definately see some small subtle changes in him. I know this is not going to be easy and we have a long road ahead of us. I'm just thankful that he has agreed to even try.
OK go ahead.....I know I'm probably going to catch hell for this post but that's OK. I need to hear it! Isn't that why I'm hear, to learn and to see how to figure this out. I appreciate ALL of your comments and look forward to them. I have read a couple of posts from DV and Stormy today that really really helped. Those 2 posts couldn't have come at a better time for me. They put things in perspective for me and I will probably go back and read them again and again!