Loves To Make Me Cry

This is the kind of crying that I love! And Dominic does it so well!

Who Is In Charge

I really liked this when I read it. It seemed so appropriate for our journey. We are trying to find our place in TTWD. At times I fight him for control, not realizing I'm doing it, and other times I'm trying to force the control down his throat. Why can't this be simple, just like I had visioned it in my head?

Me ~ "Honey, I want you to be the HOH, be in control, make all of the decisions. You lead, I will follow"

Him ~ "OK babe. I got this!"

And all is right in the world!

HUH!

Hasn't quite worked out like that. Silly me for thinking this was going to be a cake walk.

We are trying to get out of our 18 year habits in our relationship. Man that's not easy. When he makes me mad I go with what I know, and so does he for that matter. That's when the arguing starts. I am trying to be more aware of when this happens and dammit am I trying to control myself and not act like I have in the past. Sometimes I catch myself and then other times it gets out of control.

Someone suggested that when we are arguing to stop what is happening, go to our room (since we don't live alone), close the door and kneel in front of him. What would this do for our situation? Would it help me get it the right "headspace"? Would it help him realize his responsibility/role in our relationship? These are very good questions! So I did what anyone would do......I communicated! I know, I can't believe it either....but if I have learned one thing from this community is YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!!

Dominic and I have talked about kneeling, spanking, calling him sir before.....every time those subjects get brought up he gets this look on his face and says he doesn't want to do that. I am his wife not his child. OK I get that, I'm not really into that stuff either (yet!) So I went to Dominic and asked him those very questions. Remember, most of what he knows about this lifestyle is what I have told him or read to him. He has done a little (very little) research on his own!!

Me ~ "What would you think if when we argue, we would go to our bedroom and I would kneel in front of you?"

Him ~ "Really? OK, yea that sounds good"

Me ~ "Really?" *mouth hit the floor* are you kidding me?

Him ~ "Yea why not? Am I missing something?"

Me ~ "You do realize that kneeling has nothing to do with sex right?"

Him ~ "What? You mean you wont be on your knees to give me a blow job?"

Me ~ LMAO "No, it has nothing to do with sex! It's a gesture to put me in a submissive state and you in a more dominant state. It makes you superior."

Him ~ "Oh!" And there's that look of disgust!

Me ~ "OK, so by the look on your face this isn't something you want to do?"

Him ~ "I told you before your my wife, not my child. I only want you on your knees for one thing"

Just as I thought. I asked him how do we get past the arguing and me being disrespectful when I'm mad. He said just dont do it! HA I do realize that I need to make changes to myself but I am looking to him for guidance and for him to not put up with my shit!!!! UGH! I told him when I act like that he needs to put a stop to it and there needs to be consequences to my actions.

At this point neither one of us is into spanking outside of playing. He REALLY isn't into discipline. So I said it sounds like we are at a dead end right now. He said he isn't going to discipline me and especially by spanking! I said there are other ways to discipline, you just have to think outside of the box. I had some ideas, because I do research, but I didn't want to share them with him.....he was going to be using these on me! He said well, I don't want to take sex away from you because that would be punishing me. I just smiled at him and kind of gave him this look. He paused, thought about what he had said, and OMG, I actually saw the light bulb go off!!!!!! haha He said OK OK I know what to do.

Now, am I happy about this little revelation? Yes, extremely...because he is thinking about it, he is trying to figure this thing out. Am I looking forward to what he might have in store for me? HELL NO!!! But maybe if I know that there will be a consequence to my actions I will stop acting like a brat! Now the real test begins.......am I going to stop acting like I have been? Is he going to actually stick to his guns and enforce the discipline? I'm not sure, but I think this is going to be a loooooooong work in progress!

I love the comments, suggestions and advice. It really does help us try to figure this thing out. We may not agree with everything that is said or it may not work for us, but we do like what you have to say. For me, it really helps open up the dialogue for us. BTW, Dominic does read my blog, so you can leave him comments too!

Subrina <3

UGH!

This past week has been a busy week for us. We are trying to get a car and have had sooooo many stupid problems with silly things. Life is just happening and it seems to be taking a toll on us.

Yesterday Dominic came home from work a little on edge. He just didn't seem right, something was bothering him. I asked him and he said nothing, I'm just tired. Not once this week have I got to come home from work and get undressed and relax. As soon as I get home we are back out the door for one thing or another, I'm just tired. OK, I get it, I can accept that.

While cooking dinner together last night he was frustrated and was snapping at everyone, including me. Remember, we have 18 years of past practice that we are trying to change, so when these situations come up we go with what we know. I'm sure you can guess how this is going to play out. Yup, it didn't go to well. He was snapping, I was pissed so I snapped back, he snapped at one of the boys so I snapped back, again! And so on and so on. UGH!

We did end the night going to bed together and not fighting. I fell asleep right away and all was good. I called him this morning when I got to work and we talked about last night. We talked about how neither one of us liked how we acted and reacted. He said that he was just tired and frustrated. I told him that NOW when he acts like that I kinda get a little scared. If he can't control his own emotions how the hell is he going to control anything. It just makes me think that there is no possible way that we are going to be able to pull of this lifestyle. I said that I realized I was wrong for thinking that and I did apoligize to him for acting like that.

All in all it was a really good talk. I was happy with the way it went and that we were able to talk things through. I have been having some problems at work and it just kinda came to a head today. The thing is, I have only been with this company 3 months, I backed into a pole and did some damage to the bus and then got promoted to supervisor!! Needless to say there were some pissed off people at work!!! I am a very friendly person and try to treat people with kindness and repect, expecting them to do the same. Well it doesn't always work like that and not everyone is like me.

So I call Dominic and tell him about my work drama. He is always supportative and thinks that I can do anything. Today was no different except for how he handled his crying wife on the phone. I guess I was making excuses for things that were going wrong and I think he got a little mad.

Me - "I wasn't trained properly so when things come up I'm not sure how to handle them"

Him - "Are you kidding me?? You were a clsoing manager of a store, you supervised an entire store and closed it every night, why can't you do this?"

Me - "I'm not sure what to do or how to handle things. Nobody has really showed me how things work here. I'm just kind of left to figure it out on my own"

Him - "Thats crazy! This is going to stop right now! You need to put your big girl panties on and be the supervisor that I know you can be, do you hear me? This stops now!"

Can I just say that my heart melted when he said that. He was so in control and so demanding. That was new and damn did I like it.

Me - "OK" *sniffling* Man he sure does think I can do this

I have been kinda pouting all day, not in a very good mood. Work is really pissing me off and I think I'm more pissed off at myself. I know I can do this but I always sabotage it. I have absoutely no confidence in myself. I need to change this! And I think Dominic is trying to help me.

We both get home from work and guess what? Yup, we started all over again with the bickering. He mentioned it right before I was going to bed. He didn't like how we had been acting the last couple of days and wants it to stop. I do to but for some reason I am acting like a brat! UGH! I think maybe it's the whole power exchange thing......maybe we are both battling for it. I don't know!

I know we will get passed this, but I sure don't like how it is right now. Man 18 years is sooo hard to change, and it doesn't help that I'm an inpatient little brat!!!! Things need to change and I think we need to talk. We need to figure this out and move past this nonsense.


Subrina <3

Where Are We Headed?

I think he thinks I'm running out of patience and is starting to see anxiety. I don't think thats the way I'm acting and I'm definately not trying to do it on purpose. I am anxious and excited to move forward with this journey and to see where it takes us. Maybe I'm not hiding it as well as I think. If you read my posts you will know that I really don't have much patience, but I am learning. It's not easy.

We are both set in out ways. Having been together for 18 years we both have formed some relationship habits, good and bad, and I think that's where our struggle is. We are used to acting a certain way which has always worked for us and now I'm asking for something totally different and we are now having to work at it. I know he doesn't like that one bit.

Last night Dominic and I went out for ice cream and had a long talk. Well it started out as a talk and then kind of got a little sideways. He asked if we could talk about this lifestyle and the journey and I was more than happy to. To me, it meant we were moving forward, taking a few more steps in that direction, making progress. I was so excited! Unfortunately, I ALWAYS play out any and all events in my head. I have a vision as to how I think this is going to go. And yes, I am usually dead wrong and last night was no different.

Dominic explained to me that he is getting more excited about this journey and thinks that this is going to really help our lives in all aspects, not just our personal relationship. He said he has been doing a lot of thinking about it and is pretty confident he is up for the challenge. WOO HOO! But the one thing that he is concerned about is weather I am. WHAT? Of course I am, I'm the one asking for this. He went on to say that he's not so sure because I have a "Subrina" attitude and it's not going to work if I don't get rid of it! I guess I can be a little mouthy, cocky, disrespectful, spolied and bratty. Whoa! Ouch!

I learned and realized a lot about "us" in this conversation. In the beginning of our relationship he was using drugs, I have never used them and don't understand the addiction. Because his life was so out of control, when he started to get clean he decided to give me all control. That's the only way he thought it was going to work, or he would probably relapse. As he gave up control I just kind of took over. I'm already somewhat of a control freak (hence never using drugs!!) so it was pretty easy to step into that role. So over the years I have always been in control of our relationship, made all of the decisions, discplined the kids, financially etc. Not saying I did a good job, but.....I did it!

Now 18 years later, I am asking him to take back the control but not really willing to give it all back, at lease not yet.  I told him I needed to trust him to lead us down the right path, so I am not confortable just giving up ALL control right away. He got mad because he said that everything he tried to do/say I would kind of fight him on, decisions he was trying to make I would counter them. And then it hit me...like a damn freight train! WOOT WOOT CHUGA CHUGA This was me pushing him to see how much control he was going to take, and maybe if he was capable of taking it. And everytime I pushed he would just let me keep pushing until I pushed right through. This was me not giving up control because I wasn't comfortable with him taking it, I didn't completely trust him. WOW! Is that what was really happening??

Everything I have ever read or heard about this lifestyle is you have to communicate and be honest. Ok well here goes......Dominic don't you see what is happening?? I push you and you don't push back, you just let me keep pushing! I tried to explain to him what I thought was happening without completely emasculating him and belittling him. I don't think I did a very good job. :(  But I think he understood. He then said, "ok if this is what you want and if this is going to work, THIS is going to stop right now!" (THIS being my "Subrina" attitude)

I agree with him! But like I told him, he has to not allow it. I will do my best to get rid of my "Subrina" attitude but I need him to do his part too. If I act like that, I need him to put a stop to it and not put up with my crap. He has NEVER done that...and I know this is a learning process for us both. I know if I want to be "sub' like then I need to start changing my attitude and the way I act and approach him. I'm working on it!

The other thing is we don't do the discpline thing (yet, not sure we ever will). So if I do act like a brat or do something he doesnt like, what is he to do? I don't know the answer to that! And I don't want to come up with any discpline for him to use on me. I think he should do that on his own :/

He really is trying to figure this out and make it work. I definately see some small subtle changes in him. I know this is not going to be easy and we have a long road ahead of us. I'm just thankful that he has agreed to even try.

OK go ahead.....I know I'm probably going to catch hell for this post but that's OK. I need to hear it! Isn't that why I'm hear, to learn and to see how to figure this out. I appreciate ALL of your comments and look forward to them. I have read a couple of posts from DV and Stormy today that really really helped. Those 2 posts couldn't have come at a better time for me. They put things in perspective for me and I will probably go back and read them again and again!

Subrina <3

True

Even though we are just starting out on this journey, this statement is still true. This was true before and will be true after. 

 

 

 

 

On another note.......

 

I think I'm going to change the title of my blog. As of right now we are not doing the D/s thing, and not sure if we ever will. I think we are more doing the TTWD thing, which I am perfectly happy with. I think it should be more about us and not what this thing we are doing is called. Just a thought!

 

Subrina <3

Bandwagon Jumper

Being new to this scene and blogging I have learned a lot! I have also "met" some new friends. I have gotten some great advice, suggestions and comments. This community is AMAZING, so friendly, so helpful and so willing to reach out to others. Thank you.....you guys ROCK!

OK, so for the bandwagon....in reading other blogs I have learned that March is Q&A month. So I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and participate in this as well.

Feel free to ask me anything.....I'm not shy! You can leave a comment or email...whatever. I will answer you as soon as I can. If you want to ask Dominic a question....feel free. I will ask him and he can answer! Let the questions begin!!!!

Subrina <3

If I Didn't Have You



I couldn't have said it better myself! I may complain about him sometimes and that he is going at this a little slow BUT he is at least moving and I am sooooo greatful. He is absoutely an amazing husband and I'm soooo glad he picked me!

 

I love you D!

Crying.......Why?

Yesterday D and I chaperoned our middle sons high school to their drum line competition. These are looooong days (12+ hours) and we always have a lot of down time. After our sons school performed, the trailer was loaded and everyone had eaten, we had about 4 hours until awards. D and I wondered around looking at stuff and talking. Our conversation was heading towards this journey we are taking! YAY!!

We talked for a looong time and were both very open and honest with each other. For the first time he really opened up and told me what he thought of this whole thing. He is excited for where we are heading and thinks that this is not only going to help us in our personal relationship but also in our regular lives. I can't even tell you how happy and excited I was to be having this conversation and hearing the things that he was saying.

He shared with me some of the things that he has read and what he took from that. He said that he learns A LOT from my own blog, which I found kinda funny. But I guess it makes sense, and I was kinda glad that he was reading it. But all in all he is ready to continue this and really thinks this will work. He wants to make it work, and not just because I want him to...he wants to do this too!!! BUT...he wants to do this at his own pace and take things slow. Yea I know....patience! OK OK  I got it...but to me this was HUGE and I couldn't have been happier, I will be patient!

Because of work and just life happening we haven't really had a chance to have sex or be alone with each other. So we talked about it and decided when we got home, if we weren't too tired, tonight was going to be the night! WOO HOO!!!!! But Awards weren't until 9:00 (BTW they took 7th out of 18 and brought their score up 2 points!!!!!!) and then we had about an hour drive home. Once we got back to the school the trailer had to be unloaded and then of course we had kids to drop off. It wasn't lookin too good but I had hope!

So your probably wondering what the picture above is about? Your probably thinking that our night alone was not to be? Well...............you're wrong! We had our night and OMG what a night it was! I'm not going to go into details but let's just say he is learnin some stuff!

I don't know what happened but while having an orgasm I started crying. (hence the picture) It has happened once before (recently) and it scared him, me too for that matter. He thought he had done something wrong, and I was a little confused. Confused at what was going on inside, what I was feeling and thinking, and not exactly sure why it was happening. I wasn't sad or mad.....matter of fact I was feeling pretty damn good!!! But for me, it was Uncontrollable. I couldn't stop. The tears just came. Last night the same thing happened. It was a little different than before, this time not only was it uncontrollable but it was a heavy gasping cry. Like when a child has been crying for a while and they have that "catching their breath" cry. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, here I was feeling so damn good but yet I was crying. He just crawled up me and held me. He kept saying "it's ok baby, just take some deep breaths". He rocked me and rubbed my head and back until I calmed down. After I caught my breath and calmed down he asked me if I was ok. I told him I was fine. We fixed the bed, he kissed me and held me a little while longer until I fell asleep.

So here I am today....still a little confused. Now that I have had a little time to think about what I was feeling it makes a little (very little) more sense. The feelings were soooooo raw and sooooooo strong it's hard to describe. I think I just fell in love all over again! And maybe even a little deeper. Didn't know that was possible, D and I are extremely close and I didn't think we could even get any closer or feelings be any stronger. WOW was I wrong!!

Subrina <3