Hard to Love

What is wrong with me??? UGH

Here I am asking hubby for his dominance, to take control, to keep me in line and put me in check when I get mouthy. Why, as soon as he tries to be just a lil dominant I push him.......and keep pushing.

Why would I do that? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I ask for this? Don't I want him to take control and not let me act bratty?

So why do I keep pushing him and testing him? Why do I keep acting like a brat?

Let me set the scene......

I do all of the driving. I drive for a living and also 1) he doesn't really like to drive and 2) I don't make a very good passenger. OK who am I kidding...I HATE being a passenger!!

Yea, I'm a bit of a control freak and especially in this area! A control freak that wants to be dominated?? Am I setting myself up for disaster?

Anyway, where was I?

I was driving us to our sons practice. I'm a pretty aggressive driver and kinda think I own the road sometimes, but I'm a safe driver! There was quite a bit of traffic. My hubby is in the passenger seat looking at his phone, probably being a facebook whore! I can always see him out of the corner of my eye making gestures like he's driving. He will push on the floor board like he's pushing on the brake, he will grab the door and something in the middle console like he's holding on for dear life! HA For whatever reason he looked up and saw brake lights and FREAKED OUT!!!!! He gasped and grabbed on to the door and threw both of his feet to the floor like we were going over a cliff!

I was kinda close to the car in front of me but totally had the situation under control, until he freaked out. He scared me by his reaction and I slammed on the brakes thinking I was going to hit something. I was soooo mad at his reaction and how it made me react I might have yelled at him a lil bit. (blushing)

Me: What is your problem? Why would you do that?

Him: Are you even paying attention? You were going to hit the car in front of you.

Me: No, I wasn't, I saw it! Why would you act like that.........damn I hate when you're in the car with me! UGH

Him: You always wonder when you drive and don't always pay attention.

Me: I know what I'm doing!!!!!! You were on your phone and not even paying attention, you look up and all you saw were brake lights....you can't see the mirrors like I can. You don't know what's going on around us.

Him: Fine, next time I won't say anything and then you'll be crying cuz your car is smashed!

Me: biting my lip trying to be submissive. A lil late after my bratty lil outburst huh :/

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I was thinking.....did I just really yell at him? Was I really acting like a brat? Unfortunately I have to answer yes to both of those questions.

We get to the field and get our stuff out (still in silence) and usually he will carry my chair....HAHA not this time! He left it for me to carry. I pick up the chair and he says "you got it?". I just kept walking....like a brat!

He asked again and I replied "I got it" probably with way to much sass! But he didn't say anything, he just kept walking.

We get to the field and I set up my chair and other things and I kept dropping my water bottle. I yelled "FUCK!" Picked up the water bottle and slammed it down, Of course it fell over because of the force I used!

I grabbed my phone just so I didn't have to speak to him or look at him. The whole time we're walking and during the time I was setting my stuff up I was thinking.....OK, what I really want him to do (or think he should do) is put a stop to this now. Put both of his hands on my chair, lean down and get in my face and tell me I need to adjust my attitude!

Well guess what?



That's exactly what he did!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY


I got this smile on my face and turned away. I did it for a couple of reasons.....1) cuz I didn't want him to see me smiling cuz of course I was mad and 2) cuz that's what I was hoping he would do and I was happy! He didn't disappoint!

Then he grabbed my chin, forced me to look at him and he started talking to me, very calm but with authority. He said he didn't like that way I was acting and that I needed to adjust my attitude.

I just kept trying to look away and he kept smiling, although I really didn't want to, I just couldn't help it. I was sooooo excited for him to be acting like this.

He told me I needed to apologize to him for the way I acted and for yelling at him. I kinda rolled my eyes.....ok let's be honest, it was a full on eye roll and I apologized for my behavior.

I explained to him why I got so mad, He agreed that he always acts like that and will try to control it in the future! YAY progress!

So there I was, sitting at my sons practice, excited as hell because of the way he acted, just like I have been wanting him too and so proud of him or putting on his "man pants".

Then I started to get mad at myself. I was thinking why do I act like that? I want him to take control, correct me when I'm wrong, not allow me to act like a brat.....and then I go and act like a brat!

UGH

Is it harder to be submissive or dominant? Who has more work....cuz right now I'm thinkin I do!!!

Thank you my love for steppin up, putting your man pants on and for trying TTWD! I know this is hard for you because I am your princess, but it's so damn HOT when your Dom comes out! I love you! It takes a special kind of crazy to love someone crazy like me....and you are that special!

I always tell you that I'm hard to love......I bet now you believe me! HAHA

Subrina <3

Frustrated

I haven't been on here in a while. I have been reading all of your blogs but really didn't have much to say myself. We are still trying to work on this D/s thing but not having much luck. I know I am supposed to be patient but damn...how patient do I have to be. It's been over 6 months since I brought this to him and not much has changed. I am really beginning to think this just isn't going to work for us. Many of you have told me that I need to work on my submission and it will bring out the Dom in him.....not so much. It's very hard to be submissive when your not feeling the Dom on the other end. We seem to have this conversation when he sees I'm getting frustrated or mad. He will ask me what's wrong and we will get into the conversation. Promises will be made and all is good for about a week...and then it's right back to the same ol shit. He keeps telling me this is all new to him and isn't easy for him, ok I get it.....but it's not gonna be easy if you put little to no effort into it. He says he doesn't know exactly what to do or how to act. I've told him to reach out, ask questions, do research....does he? NO! He wants me to figure it all out and tell him what to do/how to act. Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of this???? He refuses to reach out because he doesn't want to look like a fool. I told him, how are you going to learn if you don't ask questions. He says, well is there like a class I can go to?? Yea, DOM 101 at the local JC.  UGH! I want to feel his confidence, his control, his conviction when he says something. I feel like anytime he makes a decision he is looking for my approval. I told him that whatever he decides that's what will be. He has put in a couple of rules....one of them was for me to text him everyday (mon-fri) at 11:30, I would put 11:30.....and then say whatever I wanted, I just had to text him. I drive for a living and it can be very hard to do it at 11:30. But I set the alarm on my phone to remind me and sometimes I would write the text early and just not send it until my alarm went off. I did this faithfully for a lil over a month. I missed a day because of work and I was nervous when I got home wondering what he would say or do. I get home and don't mention it and neither does he!!!! WTH really. Ok so the next day same thing happens, I just couldn't get it done. I get home really nervous because it's been 2 days that I haven't done it and again.....nothing! It's been over 3 weeks since I have text him at 11:30 and he has yet to say anything about it. How can I trust him when he doesn't/wont follow through with things. What have I done? I created this and now I want him to change.....what is wrong with me? I really thought this was going to be so much easier than it is. UGH! I am sooooo frustrated with this whole thing, but want it soooo bad. There are times when I've told him just forget it. We'll just go back to the way it was. He will panic and say no, we're going to work on this and all is right in the world.....for about a week! I can't keep having the same conversation and getting the same results. I just want him to STEP UP, be the HOH, be the Dom, take control. When I'm being bratty, put a stop to it, don't allow it. When I won't talk, make me talk. When I don't want to do something, push me. Is that really to much to ask? Maybe I'm just not submissive, maybe this isn't working because of ME.

Sorry for my rant, I'm just so frustrated and I'm just not sure where to go from here. He keeps saying he's willing to do this but shit isn't changing!