Hi Everyone! I know I haven't been around for a while but I really do miss all of you. I have been occasionally reading your blogs and posts. It's kind of hard to read about this lifestyle right now.
Here's the deal..........
Mr. D and I have been struggling, really struggling. Our relationship is good, we are still in love with each other, that's not going to change. The struggle is the lifestyle. The struggle is living this lifestyle and being happy with it.
My first post was a year ago yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just yesterday but then again it seems like we've been on this journey for years. I really thought that we would be farther along in this journey. I'm not sure exactly where I thought we would be....but I definitely didn't think we would be where we're at.
I am trying to deal with these issues that seem to be popping up. I'm not having much luck, but I am trying. It's amazing how the past will just appear, even after you thought it was dealt with and or buried. But they are never far, they are never buried deep enough.
Mr. D and I went on a date last weekend. We went out to dinner and needed to do some talking. We had been fighting and just having a really hard time. Neither one of us seemed happy and we just needed to deal with it. We needed to take this head on and work it out. Some harsh things needed to be said and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.....but I NEEDED to.
I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I came to him with the suggestion of this lifestyle. He knew I wanted a change in our relationship, something different and he said he was willing to take this journey together. I opened myself up to him, told him what I wanted, was vulnerable as hell and I felt like he was just dismissing how I felt.
We had gone back to the way things used to be, before this journey started. I was unhappy but I told him that I would take him anyway I could get him. If he wanted to go back to the way it was then he needed to let me know. Whatever his decision was, I just needed to know.
He knew me well enough to know that if he decided to go back to the old days....yea I would stay with him, I would love him but I probably wouldn't be happy. He couldn't stand that. He wanted to do whatever he could to make me happy.
On our date he had asked me if I thought I would be happy if we went back to the old days. I answered him truthfully.....I don't know!
He said that in the past 20 years he has loved me deep, hard and passionate. But he doesn't think I loved him the same, in return. He agrees that I loved him, but not deep, hard and passionate. He believes that I loved him and cared about him but was not IN love with him.
I listened to him, thought about what he said. My heart ached, ached for him. I told him I thought he was right. I asked him if he knew that's how I felt then why would he stay. He said because he loved me enough for the both of us and knew that I would fall in love with him. That broke my heart. But again he was right.
I told him that I think I loved him as much as I was capable of. I don't think at the time I could really truly love anyone. But I loved him as much as I could. I told him that I didn't think I was capable of loving him like he deserved and that I didn't feel like I deserved his love. He said I can and do love him......and yes I did deserve his love.
These issues and of course my mother issues, are preventing me from taking this journey. I can't get past these. I can't get HER out of my head. I can't get rid of her......she is always there. This makes me sabotage things when they are good.
As soon as Mr. D starts acting like the HOH/Dom/Sir I challenge him. I push him to see if he's really in this. I push him to see if he's going to back down. He said he knew when I brought this to him in the beginning that it was going to cause problems for us.
"Where's the happiness in this? When will we be happy taking this journey? We are always fighting and you're always crying. Instead of having fun when we go out, we are talking about this, AGAIN. Please tell me, where is the happiness in this?"
We stayed and talked for about an hour. We left the restaurant and walked around the courtyard outside, still talking. He brought up some of my issues from the past. I cried most of the evening but I felt like we were getting somewhere.
We kept getting interrupted by other people, so we walked over to a bench that was kind of away from everything and everyone.
We sat down and started talking some more. All of a sudden I saw it. I saw the transformation happening right in front of my face. It was strange...I had never seen it before.
He was so calm.
He was so at ease.
He was so in control.
He was the HOH!
I had never seen him act like this before. In 20 years, I never saw him so in control. It was amazing. His mannerisms, his face, his body language......calm, cool and collected. He said everything that I needed to hear. Everything that needed to be said. He didn't baby me, he didn't cater to me. He dug deep. It was painful.
The entire time I was sitting on that bench, watching this transformation in front of me.....I was so at peace. I was crying....sometimes sobbing, sometimes speaking barley above a whisper. But I was ............. calm.
I'm not sure I can even describe what I was feeling
I just felt peaceful
Like I could just let go
Let go of everything
Give myself to him
Trust him that he would and could take care of me
I felt free
I think in that moment, sitting there on that bench.....I truly loved him with my whole heart. With no reservations.
Thanks to a blogger friend and her advice, comments and suggestions, we are working to try and walk this path. We both want this. Neither of us wants to go back to the past. So we've dug our feet in and are going to fight. We're going to fight for us.
It's only been a little over a week since our talk. But I know for me I feel different. I feel like I can trust him a little more. I feel that I can give a little more of myself to him. I am looking forward to the day when I can give all of myself to him.......freely!
Thank you Mr. D for loving me deep, hard and passionate!
