I Can't

The door is locked.

The lights are off.

The toy box is open.

That familiar pull is in the air. 

He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.

I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.

We are like teenagers making out.

"Get your clothes off"

I take off my panties.

"Get your shirt off"

Shit just got real!

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"

I do as I'm told.

He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.

"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"

He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.

Then he slides a finger in me. 

He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside.  Over and over.

I am lost in him. Our bodies becoming tangled in heat and passion.

He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".

He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.

Then I feel it, he slides a dildo in my pussy. He slides it in slow and deep. He is pushing me to the edge.

"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"

He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again

"I want you to cum"

I want to. I can feel my body building up to it. I'm right on the edge. Waiting and wanting to be pushed over.

"I can't. I can't"

"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"

I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.

I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.

"I can't. I can't"

He gets the plug-in-vibe out.

I hear it.

Buzzzzzzzzzzz

He puts in on my clit.

It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.

He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.

When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.

"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I couldn't cum"

"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"

"I love you Mr, D"

"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"


To be continued.............

 

Changes

 

Since we started this lifestyle i have noticed changes. Changes in us. Sometimes the changes are so subtle i wonder if we have changed at all. Other times the changes are so blatant it smacks you right in the face.

 

TTWD changes your relationship or dynamic. It brings a deeper connection to him. It makes you look deep inside yourself. It makes you realize who you are, good or bad (I will get back to this....stay with me) and what makes you tick.

 

Mr. D has really put in an effort to be the Sir i want him to be. Whatever that is....im not even sure myself. We have many years of relationship habits that we are trying to change. Its not always easy. But he does it. Everything i have asked of him so far, he has either tried, has made the changes or is trying to change. i may not get what i want when i want it....but i do get it......eventually!

 

 

 

Last night he decided he was going to pull out his Dom-HOH card. He said that i was going to suck his dick.

 

Ok sure...no problem! i love pleasing him!

 

Now you all know that when you suck his dick, it not only gets him hot, but it does something to you too. The more i can make him growl, the more i can make him grab my hair and move me where he wants me, the more i can make his toes curl.....the wetter i get.

 

Right ladies? Who's with me?

 

I suck his dick until he cums. He goes to the bathroom to clean up. He climbs back in bed, gives me a kiss and says "good girl". I know you will all understand this....those two little words will make you weak in the knees. Isn't that what we live for....those two little words with a big meaning?

OK YAY...now my turn!

He turns on the tv and starts watching it.

 

WHOA! WHOA! Wait.....what's going on? Hello? Over here....wet......happy.....ready.......good girl......remember?

 

And ladies and gentleman here lies the problem.

 

Submission isn't about me. It isn't about what I want. It isn't about when I want it. It isn't about what he can do for me. But yet, here I am being as selfish as possibly can be. I follow another blog and she has posted that she isn't allowed to use I or me. At first I didn't understand, I just read her blog and gave support when I could. But now.....I get it! I totally get why that is her rule. This journey is not all about me. (I hope I can remember this when I'm acting bratty)

 

I talked to him this morning while I was at work. I told him I was mad when I went to bed last night. He chuckled and asked why. I knew he knew why I was mad. I said it was because I missed a show I wanted to watch. He knew that was a lie...I don't watch tv. He said he knew why I was mad, but last night was about him and for him.

 

I didn't say anything else about it. But all day at work I thought about it. I thought how selfish I was. How selfish I acted. Why couldn't I just do something for him? Not want anything in return. Why did I have to get something in return? Wasn't it enough to just please him? Why am I so selfish?

I am an only child. I am the oldest grandchild by 4 years. I have always had things handed to me and done for me. During our entire marriage Mr. D continued that pattern. He has always been so good to me and treated me like a princess. I am used to getting my way. I am used to him giving in to me.

Last night he didn't. I was mad. But more than being mad at him I had so much respect for him and I was so proud of him. My va jay jay wasn't to happy but my heart was beyond ecstatic. He told me that he really wanted to give in to me, he knew I was wet and wanting. But he needed to show his dominance. He needed to show change.

 

 

 Subrina <3

UH OH Results

If you read the post before this you know that I missed my 11:30 text. Mr. D did not miss that I missed it. He called me on his lunch and let me know he was fully aware of the missed text.

Oh man.....I'm in trouble!

I was really conflicted on how I felt about it.

On one hand I was so excited that he noticed and was calling me out on it. He was being the HOH that I have been asking for. He was sticking to his guns. He was acting like he was going to follow through with this. He seemed like he had full intentions on spanking me.

On the other hand I was hoping that he would forget. OK actually my ass was hoping he would forget and just give in to me. If he was serious and had intentions of following through with this, that meant I was getting spanked.

I was so torn about trying to get out of this. I so wanted to put on my pouty face, bat my eyes at him, and raise up my halo. I knew I could talk him out of this and would get my way. I got this! But then this voice in my head was screaming shut up! You wanted this, you asked for this......own up to it and take what you got coming to you.

Mr. D came home and I was asleep.......remember my nap!! He let me sleep and went about doing what he does. He was cooking dinner when I finally woke up. I went to the kitchen to say hi and see if he needed help. We finished cooking and then ate dinner. Neither one of us brought up the elephant in the room.

Dinner was over and I went back to our bedroom. I was still tired from my nap and laid down on the bed. I grabbed my phone and was reading my emails. When he comes in the door I was reading the comments from some of you on my UH OH post. I was laughing out loud (thank you Misty and HS!!) and Mr. D comes in the room and grins at me. He sits down on the bed. I immediately go to him and want to lay with him, on his chest.

He's not buying it!

"Are you ready?"

I don't know why, but I felt this was the time to show him one of the comments that said
"Honestly, Mr. D, lay into her ass! She needs it. Don't let her fool you or talk you out of it."

He didn't read beyond those words. He smiled and handed me my phone back. Got up off the bed and asked again if I was ready.

Do I play stupid? Do I try and talk my way out of this? Can I try and be cute?

"You now you missed your text today and you know what that means?"

*as cute as I can be* "I love you baby!"

*chuckling* "I love you too. Now come over here and kneel over the bed"

"But baby I love you" *he knows exactly what I'm doing*

"Subrina....get over here now"

The whole time this is going on I am giggling and he is really trying to hide his smile. We are both kind of laughing but trying to get through it. It is still very awkward for both of us. But he seems to be sticking to it.

I him and hah about it, telling him I don't want to do this.

"Subrina....now!" and he points to the floor by the bed

I kind of roll around the bed and finally get on the floor.

He says he's going to give me 2 spankings because I missed my text today. I was shaking my head and telling him no, I didn't want to do this.

Two? That's it? WOW I'm getting off easy....SWEET!

He put his hand on my back and then...............

WHACK!

WHACK!

I just kind of sat there for a few seconds and then crawled up the bed. He laid down next to me and I laid on his chest. He held me and asked if I was ok.

I was ok.

I was more than ok.

I know I said this the last time but it still baffles me. I feel completely at peace. I feel so much closer to him. I feel so calm and so.....um.....just......peaceful. I don't know how to explain it.

I have read from some of you that when you get a spanking it's like a reset. I never understood what it meant. I could never wrap my brain around it.

Until now!

I get it! I understand it! I get bratty, disrespectful, trying to do things my own way, trying to top from the bottom. And then he steps up and takes care of things, of me.

Now I have been "reset" and I can't tell you how strange, peaceful, and calm I feel. Not to mention how much closer or more connected I feel to him. After it happened, I just laid in his arms, listening to him talk. Not really understanding what he was saying, but just listening to him. I felt like I was floating. I have this tingling feeling all over. I felt like I was drunk!

Can TTWD really be this good? Is it possible to keep getting better? Is it possible to keep feeling closer to him? Just when I think he's not stepping up or being what I want him to be.....he totally throws me a curve ball. I guess if I just learn some patience, let him lead and do this on his time......I will always have this feeling. I may not be getting what I want when I want it......but I am getting what I need when I need it!

Subrina <3

UH OH

I know most of you are aware of my texting rule. I am supposed to text Mr. D everyday (mon-thur) at 11:30. I have my alarm set for this so I don't forget. Sometimes I get into a jam with this rule because I drive for a living. At this time of the day I am always driving so it can be challenging.

Today Mr. D had to work but I didn't, well I didn't have to drive. I did go into work for a few hours but I wasn't driving. I was in the office talking to the HR manager when my 11:30 alarm went off. I hit the red X on my phone and went on about my conversation.

I will text him as soon as she stops talking! I don't want to be rude and text while she is talking

We finish our conversation and I go on about my business. I finish up what I was doing and head home. I can't wait to get home and take a nap, I am sooooo tired. I don't know why but I am. I get home and see that it's almost 1:00....Mr. D will be calling me pretty soon....so my nap will have to wait!

My phone rings at 1:00.

"Hey baby, watcha doin?"

"Nothing, just got home from work and going to take a nap"

"OH OK, go ahead and take a nap, we'll talk when I get home."

hhhhmmmm we'll talk when he gets home? Why? What's wrong with him? Why is he cutting the call short? He never does that. And what's with the tone in his voice?

"Baby what's wrong.....is everything ok?"

"Yea it's fine.....We'll talk when I get home"

Not I'll talk to you when I get home.....WE'LL talk when I get home. There's a difference!

"Are you sure everything is ok?'

"Check your text messages at 11:30, what do you see?"

"We'll talk when I get home! Bye, I love you"

"OOPSIE" *giggles*

"But today is a holiday baby. I didn't have to work. I thought it was only regular days?"

"It's Mon - Thur, you know that. We'll talk when I get home"


Let's see what happens when he gets home. Here I have been complaining that I want him to stick to his guns and do what he says he's going to do. hhhmmmmmm Not so much! Now I'm kinda hopin he forgets or doesn't follow through, well my ass is hopin!

Go ahead and say it.....go on. I know, you're right!

Watch what you wish for cuz you just might get it!

Oh man....how could I be so stupid? UGH!


Subrina <3

Givin It Up

Your probably here looking for a hot sex post with me, Mr. D and my new toy.....the wand! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This post has almost no sex in it, well no detailed description of any sex.

So if you're still with me......grab a drink and have a seat.....let's have some girl talk!

The weekend that Mr. D and I went away was amazing. Not only did we have great mind blowing sex (that's about all the sex talk you're gonna get in this one!!) but we had even better conversation.
On Saturday when we went to lunch we had a pretty deep conversation.

I realized that Mr. D and I have completely reversed roles. If I remember correctly it happened about 2 years ago. Not exactly sure why it happened. I guess I have kind of noticed it, but this past weekend the light bulb went off. It totally took me to a whole new place.

 

Let me rewind a little............

The past 18 years I have ALWAYS put the kids first. Anytime we went anywhere I would want to take the boys with us. If we ever went anywhere without them I would complain the whole time...."what about the boys?, I wish the boys were here" and so on. I would feel guilty if we ate out and they weren't with us. I always felt guilty when we did things without them. Mr. D would always tell me to not worry about it, enjoy myself. I never could let go. I always had them on my mind.

My boys are very active playing sports. I would NEVER NEVER EVER miss a game or practice. When my oldest went to college we would go to inner squad games and all home games. He plays adult softball and we never missed a game. My middle one plays the drums in his high school band. Band wasn't our thing, but we never miss a performance....even went to some practices. Same thing with my little one....we never miss any of his games.

Mr. D has coached all 3 boys in sports and I have managed all of their teams. We are extremely involved with their lives. Still to this day! We are a very very close family....the Fab Five! haha

I was the one that always planned ahead for things. I always made sure everything was taken care of, kids had jackets when we left the house. I could not live "where the day takes me". I couldn't be spontaneous. I worried about money. I took care of the homework with the kids. I disciplined them. I took care of the bills, called to get extensions, mad
e payment arrangements.

He was more of the wild one. He always had this attitude of  "wherever the day takes me". He was so carefree. He never worried about anything. He just lived! He worried about tomorrow when tomorrow came. But today he was going to live in the moment.

Sex was almost non existent in our relationship. I was not a big fan of sex! I know I know.....it's crazy to even think that. But sadly it's true. Mr. D would beg and beg to have sex. He was lucky if we did it twice a month!! And then when I would agree, half the time it would be a hand job. To me sex was like doing the dishes....a chore!

Everything came first except Mr. D and our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we got along great. We have always loved each other. We have always had a great relationship and have been best friends.

"I'm soooooo sorry Mr. D for treating you like that all those years. Thank you for hanging in there and not giving up on me."


Fast forward to the here and now........WOW What a difference a year makes!

Now it's Mr. D that is the responsible one. He takes care of everything. He takes care of the bills, makes sure homework gets done. (I help with doing the homework). He is always thinking of the boys. Not that he didn't before....but now he thinks like I did. He is always saying "what about the boys".

I'm more the wild one now. I live for today, not really worrying too much about tomorrow. I'm not completely like he was.....but I definitely don't worry like I used to. The whole "cone and my car" thing....he told me that I was acting like a teenager, because I was kind of driving a little to fast and "playing" with the truck. He sometimes says he thinks I'm going through a mid life crisis. We bought a Scion XB for me and I have a sound system in it, I want to get it lowered and fix it up. I would rather go out to dinner with him and buy pizza for the boys!

So while we were having lunch on our weekend get away the light bulb went off. I started to cry

"Why are you crying?"

"I just realized that we have reversed roles and I'm ok with it."

I told him that not only have we reversed roles, but I have "given it up". I have given up my fears and concerns......to him. I have let him lead me and guide me. I am comfortable with his decision making. I have finally let go and given all of myself to him.

I can't even begin to tell you how strong I felt sitting there across the table from him. I was crying, not only because of the realization I had but the deep emotional and spiritual connection I felt to him in that moment. Something changed. I felt different. I felt at peace. And I couldn't have loved him more in that moment.

 

I wonder if our friends and family have noticed the change in us? Have they noticed that I am constantly hanging on him? Have they noticed that I always want to be near him? Have they noticed that we no longer argue? Have they noticed that we seem to be so in love with each other? Have they noticed the respect we show each other? Have they noticed that I ask permission for things now?

I've become very selfish with him now. I don't want to share him with anyone. Friends. Family. Kids. Work. Nobody. I want him all to myself! When we went on our weekend get away we missed our little ones tournament. That was the first time EVER that we have missed our kids events.

I don't feel guilty. I felt bad because he had no one there cheering him on. But we talked to him on the phone several times. But I completely enjoyed our weekend together. And I really wanted to stay longer.

This lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. It is so powerful when things are working. It is so powerful when you have these realizations. and I keep saying that I didn't think I could love him anymore...but damn I just keep falling. I go back and read my earlier posts and I never thought we would be where we are. I know we still have a long way to go....but I definitely know there is a change in us.......and all because I'm givin it up!

Subrina <3

If I Didn't Have You

by Thompson Square

Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.

You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me

 This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you

If you didn't love me so much
 This Life would kill me If I didn't have you

Internal Conflict

Mr. D and I have been trying TTWD for about 8 months now. When we first started, and even up until about a month or so ago, we always said that we would never spank for punishment. When we would hear or read about couples spanking we both would agree that that just wasn't for us. We both agreed that we could never see us doing it. It would be too weird!

Fast forward to just a few days ago and I got my first spanking! If you haven't read my post about it you can here.

I have been having some issues since that first spanking the other day. I know it was the first one, and the first is probably the worst. It's the worst in that it's the first, so it's uncomfortable, strange, weird, foreign. For both of us. Here is my problem.......

 

I guess it really isn't up to me, that would be Mr. D's call. But I know if I said that I didn't want to do this Mr. D would be ok with it. But in all honesty, I want to do it. I want him to hold me accountable for things. If I don't comply then I want him to spank me.

Here's my issue or internal conflict.

I know we are consenting adults. We make our own decisions. We, as a married couple, have decided this is how we are going to live our marriage. We have talked about this issue at great length, we are both on the same page and we both agree on spanking.

Yet why is it that I feel like I am doing something wrong? Why do I feel the need to hide our real relationship? Why do I hope nobody finds out what we do? Why can't I share with friends how we live our life?

Is it because society tells us this isn't how it's supposed to be? Because my mom taught me that you never let a man tell you what to do, let alone spank you? This isn't how married couples are supposed to act? Spankings are for children that behave badly?

Does it really matter to anyone what Mr. D and I do behind closed doors and in the privacy of our own marriage? As long as we are not hurting each other or anyone else, what is it any business of anyone else's?

When I got that spanking I had such a deep feeling of connection with Mr. D. I can't really explain it, but I just felt so close to him and so at peace. Like there had been a weight lifted off of me. It was as if I had given everything to him. Don't get me wrong, the spanking hurt and I'm not looking forward to doing it again. It probably doesn't help that I'm a big baby when it comes to pain. But as soon as it was done and he laid down with me and we talked, it was so peaceful, I felt so peaceful.

So why the internal conflict? I want to share TTWD with everyone! I want everyone to know how great it felt to get that spanking and the release it gave me. But society has taught us that it's not normal. That spanking your wife should not be allowed.

Well you know what I say......

If what we do makes us both happy, we are not hurting each other or anyone else....then we are going to continue to do this. When we both have decided that we no longer want to do this, or we both feel that it's not working in our relationship, then we will stop. But we are definitely not going to stop because there are people out there with closed minds and think that this is wrong.

I think the world would be a better place if people would not judge others. Just because one couple lives a certain way or does things a certain way doesn't mean they are wrong. It just works for them. It's not my place to judge anyone on what they do behind closed doors or anything else for that matter.

Internal conflict over!


Subrina <3

A New Toy

We have quite a collection in our "toy box". Usually when we get a new toy we go together and pick it out. We will have an idea of what we want when we go, but we almost always pick it out together.

Yesterday I had to take a trip to San Diego for work. So I called Mr. D during my drive so we could talk. Not about anything specific, just to talk! I asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to the store. I asked him what he was getting and he said just picking up something.

hhhmmmm OK.....he's probably at the "toy" store.

I get home from work and we are cuddling on the bed. He starts kissing me and rubbing my back.

"I bought you something today"

"You did, what did you buy me"

"It's a surprise, I'll show you later tonight"

Since I think he went to the "toy" store and he bought me something.....I'm getting excited! I kind of have a feeling I know what it is. We have talked about them but I have always been a little apprehensive about getting one. And since we just tried to do it last weekend I ASSumed it was a buttplug. pun intended!

We went out to dinner with him mom. Came home had a few drinks after dinner. I was doing stuff on the computer. Finally the kids are asleep, or at least in their rooms. Mr. D comes in our room and sits next to me on the bed. He asks what I'm doing, I tell him reading blogs! HAHA you guys are never very far away!! I shared some of the things I was reading. I could tell he was getting antsy and like he had something to tell me. But I go on about my business.

He finally says I want to show you what I got you today. I told him I thought I knew what it was. He said, no you don't know. So I tell him to show me. He goes to the door and locks it. (yes we finally got a lock on our door!!) When the door is locked I know what's about to happen.

He gets the "toy box" out of the closet. Gets the key to unlock the lock and turns around and grins at me. He is holding my new toy!! I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I am beyond excited now for the door being locked, but a little nervous too.

This is my new toy and in my favorite color!!!!

 

 

I have heard about the "wand". I have heard how intense it can be. So now I am excited but nervous too. Am I going to be able to handle the intensity of it? Well, I guess I'm about to find out!! He tells me to get my cloths off and lay on the bed. I do what he says but the anxiety is taking over. I am giddy with excitement.

 

He starts playing with me, rubbing me all over, kissing me and telling me that he can't wait to use my new toy on me. He has that low throaty sexy growl when he talks to me. Gawd I love that sound. I especially love it when he's close to my ear. Oh Sweet Jesus!

 

And then I hear it.

 

BUZZZZZZZZ

 

He tells me it has 10 different speeds and he's going to use all of them.

 

OH. MY. GAWD.

 

He touched my clit with the wand and I almost jumped off the bed. I pushed his hands away. He smacked my ass and told me to keep my hands away. I was begging him to stop. It was so intense. I can't describe the feeling, but it was amazing. The "wand" along with his hands and his low sexy voice in my ear calling me his whore and slut. It was beyond anything I could handle. But that didn't stop him. I was crawling up the bed to get away from him but of course, he wasn't having it. He smacked my ass.

 

"Where are you going, get back over here"

 

whimpers

 

smack  "Don't move again"

 

"OH MY GAWD pleeeeeeeease"

 

I can't even think straight. He is relentless with that thing. He just keeps coming at me with it. And then he puts another toy in me. I don't know how much more I can take. I am a quivering mess. He moves the dildo slowly in...out...in....out and never letting up on my clit with the wand. He changes speeds and moves it around. I am beyond hot and completely lost.

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "That's a good lil whore....you can take it"

 

"Oh please Sir....pleeeeeease"

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "Please what? Please stop? Please harder? What do you want you lil slut"

 

I'm not sure what I want. I can't even process information. I can't form any kind of sentence except "please Sir" and "oh my gawd". I just know that what he's doing to me is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

 

He keeps up his relentless assault and I can't take it anymore. He knows I'm getting close and he pushes me. He does what he wants and takes what he wants.

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "Cum, I want you to cum you lil whore, give it up to me, give it all to me"

 

And that was my undoing. I completely lost it. That one little sentence can push me right over the edge, and he knows it. It was one of the hottest nights we've ever had.

 

Needless to say I love love love my new toy. If you don't have one of these little gems, you need to get one! Seriously.....it is beyond words!

 

Subrina <3

My Threesome Weekend Final

"Get your clothes off"

UGH I'm really not feeling it right now. I'm still mad and hurt and maybe a little embarrassed.

"I said get your clothes off"

Even though we don't spank (yet) or punish for behavior, he doesn't seem in the mood to test. He is still kind of mad at me and probably a little disappointed. So I do what he says.

I lay on the bed, again completely naked. He tells me to lay on my stomach and he heads for the "tool box". I feel we are struggling a little bit to make that connection but it seems like we are both fighting to get there.

He comes back over to the bed and rubs my ass and back. His touch is so soft. I feel him between my legs and my body is betraying me. I'm not feeling the moment. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm embarrassed. But my body is feeling everything. His hands are like silk on my skin. His hands fit perfect on me.

My mind has finally caught up to my body. He starts smacking my ass. Not real hard, maybe you could call them love taps. As he continues smacking my ass his hands land a little harder each time. Right cheek, left check, upper legs.....over and over.

And then he slides his finger in me. He fingers with a vengeance, like he is trying to crawl inside of me. I'm not sure why but instead of using the toys he went to go get he put his cock in me. I like the toys but I love the feeling of him.

This time as a little different. It was quick and kind of rough. He just took what he wanted and we we're done. He cuddled with me and we both fell asleep. I'm not sure if we we're both that tired or just from the argument, the amazing sex and all of the emotions that came with it.

The next day I had my surprised planned for him. I decided to take him to get a full body massage. I was a little nervous at how he would react so I told him about it before we went. He was all for it but said he would rather spend our money on something else. Ok that was fine with me. We really didn't need to go all the way to San Diego for a massage! I just wanted to spend time with him...I didn't care what we did or where we went.

So we went to Old Town and walked around, looked at the shops and had lunch. We had a really great conversation at lunch. We both really opened up about this lifestyle, what we both want out of it and where we are headed. He said that he is getting more comfortable in his role but still has a lot to learn. I agreed and felt the same way about myself.

The rest of the weekend was great. We just hung out with each other and just went where the day took us. We had no rhyme or reason for things we did or where we went. We we're just being with each other. I can't tell you how great it felt to just be with him. If you don't get away with your Sir/Master/HOH/HusDom.....you should! You should really make an effort to spend a couple of days just being with each other.

I realized that on Friday Mr. D was in full blown HOH mode. He was in control, demanding, commanding and hot as hell. The next few days not so much. He had his moments but nothing like Friday. Is this normal? Is it common for the HOH to switch? I know he's still learning his role but man do I wish Mr. D would stick around more!! HAHA He is smoking HOT!!

It is kind of strange how you spend every day with that person, you live with them, you share your lives with them, but spending a couple of days away from everyone and life.....it truly is amazing. I don't understand how I can keep falling in love with him more and more. I always feel like I already love him as much as I can.....and then something happens and I fall more in love with him.

Dammit!!! Why didn't we discover this lifestyle earlier in our relationship?? Oh well, we have found it now and I don't want to ever go back to the way we were.


Thank you Mr. D for an amazing weekend. I loved spending time with you and just being with you. You are absolutely the perfect person for me and I am so glad that you chose me to share your life with. I love you more and more every day.


Subrina <3

I Gotta Get This Out

I know most of you are waiting for Part 3 of my threesome weekend. I am working on it, but something just happened and I need to get this out. I need to write about it. I need to hear from you that have been there, that I am normal.

So if you follow my blog at all then you know I have a texting rule. I have to text Mr. D Mon-Thur at 11:30. I get 5-10 minutes leeway either side of 11:30. I am soooooo on this rule that I never falter. Since I don't miss this text there hasn't been any consequences if I don't text him. He did mention that if I didn't text him then he would take the computer away for the night.

He has mentioned a few times that he is really starting to consider spanking for punishment. I'm not sure how I feel about this. We have talked about it some, but not to the extent that we could actually start doing it.

Well guess what??

Ms. Never-misses-a-text missed a text!

When he called me at his lunch he asked me about it. I told him that I was driving (I drive for a living) and couldn't text him. He asked if that was the best excuse I could come up with. I said it wasn't an excuse, that's what really happened. He said OK then, we'll discuss then when we get home.

Yea ok, been there before and nothing has happened......but whatever! We'll see!

We get home from work and start getting undressed out of our work clothes.

"Come here and lay down with me"

"OK let me get undressed first"

"NO! I said come here and lay down with me.....NOW!"

OK what the hell is going on. He never does this, especially when we have just gotten home from work. But ok I will play along. I love cuddling with him anyways.

I lay down with him and ask him what this is all about. He's rubbing my ass. I ask him why he loves me today. He says I love you everyday. OK this is just weird.....what the hell is going on.

And then it happens!

He asks me about the text message today. He wants me to explain why I didn't text him. I told him again that I was driving.

"That's your excuse? That's not good enough. The rule is you are to text me at 11:30, give or take 5 mins. You didn't do that today"

He gets up off the bed and puts his hands behind his back and looks down at me. I'm laughing at him. I know I know...I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help it. This is really weird and awkward.

"Get over here and bend over the bed"

LOL is he kidding? We haven't even talked about this. He can't be serious.

"I said come here! Subrina....NOW!"

LOL "no, we're not doing this. We need to talk about it first."

"Subrina........I said come here NOW and put your ass in the air"

I just rolled over on my stomach and put my face in the pillow. He places one hand on my legs and

WHACK!

I LOL again....wiggle and tell him he can't do this. We have to talk about it first!

WHACK!

Again....I LOL and tell him he's crazy. He can't just spank me.

He lays down next to me and kisses me on my head. I am still laying down and we start talking. I told him I was mad at him. He didn't seemed phased by that and told me that I need to follow the rule. He understood that I am a driver and can't always send the text but I need to figure it out. He is just as calm as can be talking to me.

He tells me he kinda feels weird. He says "this" feels weird. I asked him what he meant and he said that this is new for us. We have never done this and it just feels strange, different, awkward. I agreed with him.

All of a sudden, while we were talking, I suddenly got this weird new feeling.

"Mr. D, I feel kinda weird right now"

 

A tear rolls down my cheek

"What do you mean you feel weird?"

Another tear "I don't know....I just feel.....uumm.......I feel at ease. I feel at peace" another tear falls

He gets a small grin on his face but looks a little confused. He wipes my tears and asks me why I'm crying, am I hurt or mad? If you're at peace then why are you crying?

They're not tears of sadness. They're not really happy tears. They are deep emotional tears. The kind of tears you cry after having an emotional sex scene. I feel like something suddenly has changed between Mr. D and I. I see him differently now. I see him more in an HOH role.

I think between this weekend and this first spanking he is finding his HOH role. He is becoming more comfortable and confident with it. I am giving up more control and he is taking over.

Even though this first spanking was awkward, strange, weird and foreign to us both....I really think it has changed something. I know it has for me. I know this will not be the last spanking I get. He did say that he kinda liked it. He did feel the same way I did but I think he felt powerful and in control while it was happening.

I know this little episode started out with me laughing at him, but I think it was more a nervous laugh. I am so proud of him for sticking to his guns and not backing down, no matter how hard I fought him, and I did put up a pretty good fight. Once the event was over I felt such a connection to him. It was even more weird than the actual spanking.

Subrina <3


My next post will be My Threesome Weekend Part 3....but I just had to get this out!

Threesome Part 2

I'm on my knees with my hands to my side.

He puts his cock in my mouth and tells me to suck. I actually feel like I am worshipping him. It has been so long since I have felt him or had him in my mouth. I reach up to stroke him and rub his legs.

"Didn't I tell you to keep your hands to your side?"

I nod

"Excuse me"

"yes"

"Yes what?"

"yes Sir"

I drop my hands back down to my side and continue. He has a hold of my hair and is moving my head right where he wants me. I love when he does this. I love feeling his control over me.

"That's enough, get your pants and panties off and get up on the bed and bend over"

I am completely naked. Even after 19 years I get a little shy and uncomfortable being naked. But today I don't care. I want to feel him, all over me. ( I got some good advice from a "blog" friend.... they said "let yourself go"....Thank you, you were right!)

He's playing with me, fingering me and then I feel his tongue. I'm not usually too turned on by this, but OH. MY. GAWD. I don't know what he's doing but I'm begging him not to stop. He continues this assault and has this low, deep, throaty growl. Can I just tell you how much I love when he does that. He is like an animal and can't get enough....of me! I do this to him.

All of a sudden he stops. What the hell? What is he doing? Where did he go? Don't stop now!

"Don't move, stay right there"

I hear him fumbling in the "tool box". He's getting the toys out. Next thing I know I feel his hands on me, rubbing my legs, my ass, my back, his touch is so soft.

WHACK! he smacks my ass a couple of times

He puts something inside me. I'm not sure what it is (a dildo of some kind) but damn does it feel good. He moves it slowly....in.....out....in......out

whining "Please Sir"

Deep, low throaty growl "Please what"

whining "I don't know Sir.......pleeeeeease"

He is relentless. He's inserting different size dildos, his fingers, ben wa balls and just keeps teasing me. He starts playing with my ass. I get a little tense.

(sorry for the interruption....we have never had anal sex. He has fingered my ass, but that's about it. All week leading up to this weekend he kept telling me that he was taking my ass. I was a bit nervous but I knew if I said stop he would)

"I want this. This is mine!"

"yes Sir, I am yours"

He gets behind me and I know this is it. He squirts some lube on my ass. I'm so tense and nervous. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to fail.

"Are you ready? What is your safe word, tell me your safe word"

"Tell me your safe word"

I can't even think straight right now

"um..........'baseball' Sir"

"OK Baseball. Just relax, we'll go slow, and remember your safe word"

I'm nervous, scared and so excited. I want to do this for him. I want him to have all of me, I want to be completely his. He's rubbing my ass, my back and all the way up to my neck.

"Your so beautiful. Your mine. All mine."

I am lost. Completely lost. Completely lost in him. I am so relaxed and so in the moment. It hurts. But he's talking to me. His voice is so calming. He isn't able to go all the way in, but close. He stops and pulls out of me. Still rubbing my body.

"It's ok, we'll try again tonight. Thank you for trying, we'll get there."

He climbs up next to me and holds me. I feel horrible. I wanted so bad to do this for him. I feel like I have disappointed him. I explain this to him and he says I'm crazy. He is so proud of me for trying. And I think he is excited to be where no one else has ever been.

We start kissing and touching, and rubbing and we start all over again. He makes me cum so hard I can hardly breathe. Again, I am completely lost. But he hasn't cum yet. He HAS to cum or I will really feel horrible. So he sits in the chair and I get on my knees. I put him in my mouth and suck on him like I have never sucked before. I want nothing more than for him to throw his head back and make his toes curl.

(sorry for another interruption....I don't swallow, never have. He always wants me to, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Today is all about letting go and being completely his. Here goes nothing!)

I put him deep in my throat. His hands have a fist full of hair and moving my head right where he wants me. He is pushing my head down on him.

"I'm gonna cum"

I keep sucking. And it happens. He cums in my mouth. I don't keep it in my mouth and I pull away after a little bit is in my mouth. After he finishes I look up at him and he has the biggest grin on his face.

"I can't believe you just did that"

I just smile at him. He tells me how proud of me he is and how much he loves me. Again, I kind of feel like I disappointed him because I couldn't finish. But he was not disappointed. We lay on the bed and he just holds me, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.

Play time is over, it's time for my threesome! We get up, get dressed and head out. We eat dinner at this really good Mexican place. We have great conversation. We talk mostly about what just happened at the hotel. A kind of debriefing. Dinner is over and now it's time to head off to the concert. WOO HOO

Mr. D is so amazing. He really doesn't like country music....he's a punk rocker!! LOL Sometimes I wonder how we are together AND make it work, but we do! He is doing this for me. I am beyond excited. Our tickets are in the lawn area. Little did we know that's where all the 16-25 year olds hang out. Some of them are just discovering alcohol and it's not a pretty sight.

I can be a little shy and reserved most of the time. So I don't think Mr. D knows what to expect from me. He's not sure if I'm just going to stand there and listen, am I going to dance or what. But Thomas Rhett takes the stage and the world around me is forgotten. I'm swaying a little to the music, the crowd is getting bigger and closing in on us. Mr. D is just standing there watching everything around us, making sure I'm safe and out of harms way. The night gets better when Jake Owen starts playing.
I'm singing along with all of the songs and having a good time.

Then my threesome starts. Jason Aldean comes out and I go nuts! I look back and Mr. D is smiling and I can see the love in his eyes. He is having fun watching me have fun. Jason was A-mazing! Now I'm starting to really move, sing and just having fun. Mr. D is still playing bodyguard and making sure that I am safe.

The concert ends and we head back to the hotel. The traffic SUCKS! I find this truck in front of me and kind of follow him through traffic. He has a raised truck (it's a country concert...of course he does!) and there is a traffic cone that he runs over. I had nowhere else to go so I had to run over it too. I don't have a "country" truck. I have a Scion XB, pretty low to the ground. I hit the cone and Mr. D got pissed.

"Stupid"

OK, I'm not sure if he just called me stupid or if he thought what I did was stupid. Either way he hurt my feelings. I feel a tear fall down my cheek and I drive the rest of the way in silence. Unfortunately Mr. D didn't. He lectured me almost the whole way back....about a 20 min drive.

We get back to the hotel and I am mad and hurt, I don't want to even look at him. Well, he wasn't have any of it. He apologized for his comment. I get ready for bed, climb in and turn away from him.

"Get your clothes off"



Subrina <3

My Threesome Weekend Part 1

I know you have been waiting for this post. It has taken me a while to process everything and because I built up the past weekend so much, I just feel that I need to take my time and hopefully do it justice.

Here goes nothing..... I hope you enjoy it!


Friday was upon us. It has been 2 freakin weeks since we have had sex or really any kind of contact. I can't wait to get this weekend started. We can't leave fast enough!

Friday morning I had to go to court to take care of a fix-it ticket. On the way home, there was a motorcycle that crashed on the other side of the street. His bike spun, threw him off of the bike and the bike almost came into our lane. The rider skidded on the street and there was a truck that was coming right for him. Thank goodness that all traffic stopped and the rider got right back up. I was shaking and crying..... just a ridiculous emotional wreck. Mr. D is assuring me that the guy was OK but for whatever reason it just really upset me. Anyway we get home and are packing the car, getting ready to leave.

My phone rings......Dispatch? Why are they calling me, they know I took the weekend off? Hell no if they think I'm coming in to work!

"Hello"

"Hi Subrina? This is Susie from HR, do you have a minute?"

"Um, yea sure, what can I help you with?"

Susie tells me that someone at work made a complaint against me, a harassment complaint. This person said that 3 other people at work told him that I called him a "fuckin faggot". WHAT? Are you kidding me? Really?

OMG could this day get any freakin worse?

"Subrina, I have to ask you, did you call this person that?"

Really, is she really asking me that? To me, calling someone that is like calling someone the N-word. You just don't say that. This person didn't come to work for 2 days because of this. I was devastated! I absolutely adore this person making the claim. I can't believe someone would tell him that I called him that. I end up crying on the phone and telling her that if he is afraid to come to work because of me...then I will call off and not come to work. I don't want this person to feel threatened or afraid. Susie tells me that they will continue to investigate this and will notify me of any changes.

I hang up and just look at Mr. D. He just kind of grins (more like a pity grin) at me and opens his arms.

WOW....this is how I'm going to start my "threesome weekend"?
First court.....
Then motorcycle accident.....
And now a harassment claim....


FUUUUUUUUUUCK!


Mr. D does what he does best.....comforts me. He tells me that the truth will come out and not to worry. Let's have a great weekend and enjoy our time together. I really want to enjoy our weekend....but damn it sure isn't starting out very good.

Off we go! We hit the road for the 2 hour drive. We talk a bit about my phone call and then he puts a stop to that conversation, seeing that I'm getting upset. I got the country music playing, we're holding hands and just being together. We stop at a rest stop to go to the bathroom and then decide to have a little picnic and talk some more. We are really enjoying each others company.

We get to the hotel and check in. We're on the 3rd floor, so we get our stuff out of the car and get in the elevator. The tension between us is electric. (remember in 50 shades when they are in the elevator and they can feel the "pull" between them...yup that's what's going on). I wanted to push him up against the wall and just kiss him and touch him and feel him....or him push me against the wall. Really, somebody needs to be up against the wall! I just wanted some kind of connection.

We get into our room and decide that we should get directions to the concert, even though we have about 4 hours before it starts. We are going to dinner first and then to the concert. Mr. D has already said that we weren't going to have sex until after the concert. So I'm on my phone looking up the directions and Mr. D is fumbling around the room.

"Get undressed, all of your clothes. Get on your knees and keep your hands to your side"

I just look up at him not really processing what he is saying. Wait, did I just hear him right? Are we about to have sex??

"Did you hear me? Do as your told"

He is completely naked. I get off of the bed and start to take my clothes off. I get my shirt and bra off and he tells me to get on my knees.

"But Sir, I still have my pants on."

"I don't care, I said to get on your knees."

I Made It!

 

I made it!!!!

We are finishing up the packing, made sure we have all that we are going to need, especially our "red tool box". Making sure the kids have all they need for the weekend. And FINALLY getting ready to head out.

I can't wait for the threesome tonight.........me, Mr. D and the sexy Jason Aldean!!!! WOO HOO I can't believe it's finally here. It has been a rough week with trying to be patient and the excitement building. All of the flirting and teasing. But no more.....it's FREAKIN FRIDAY and we are outta here!

But the strangest thing is happening. I don't know if Mr. D is doing it on purpose or if he even realizes he's doing it....but he wont touch me! I keep trying to get close to him, brushing my hand against him, leaning into him, scooting over to touch him.....and nothing! I don't know if he is trying to drag this out and make me want him more (if that's even possible). But I just feel like he is kind of keeping his distance from me, just a little. I think it's SEXY as hell but really I want to choke him out.

Ok enough 'blogging' I have a sexy man and a hot weekend to tend to. Time to get tied up and spanked!

 

Subrina <3


Oh yea,,,,thank you all so much for the support and encouragement this past week. I don't know if I could have done it without you guys. Blogland never ceases to amaze me.

Rockets Red Glare

It's almost here and I can't freakin wait! It has been over two weeks since I have felt Mr. D's touch, his love, his body. I am really excited about the concert, but oh man...that's just the beginning. I can't wait to spend time with just Mr. D.

 

No interruptions

No distractions

No expectations

 

Just us

 

 Seriously!

I would imagine Mr. D is feeling the same way I am. We are both so excited for this weekend and have made some minor plans, nothing that can't be changed. I usually play out things in my head and then go into situations expecting it to be just like I had imagined it. Well, it usually never happens that way and then I get upset and disappointed. But our plan is to leave early and check into the room. Maybe have an early dinner and then go to the concert. Mr. D said that we will wait until we get back from the concert to have the real fun. I got some great advice, go with no expectations...just roll with it. So that's what I'm going to do, wherever the day takes us, as long as we are together!

That's what I'm hoping for!

OK, but seriously.....it's been over two FREAKIN weeks!!! I am going crazy. It's not necessarily the act of sex, although that is amazing too, but it's Him!

It's being with him
Feeling him
Having that connection with him

I crave him so much it almost hurts. I love all of the teasing. I love the flirting. I love the look on his face when he looks at me. I love knowing that he is as excited as I am. I love that he can't wait to get his hands on me. I'm kinda glad that we agreed to do this because I know that when it does happen it's going to be "The Rockets Red Glare".

But sheesh........

Come on Friday

 

 

 

Subrina <3

Take a Little Ride

Mr. D and I are planning to "take a little ride", just the 2 of us. I am beyond excited! For mother's day my boys bought me tickets to go see Jason Aldean (country artist), who I absolutely love. He is playing in our town but they got the tickets for another town.....about 2 hours away. So Mr. D and I are going to make a weekend of it.

We have been planning and talking about it for the last couple of weeks. We are going to see a few sights while we're there, go out to dinner, and of course have some fun. I have planned a surprise for him but I keep second guessing myself. I wish I could share it with you but Mr. D reads my blog!!!! So I keep playing the what if game. What if he doesn't like it? What if this? What if that? I'm so nervous but excited at the same time!

It's even more exciting because we will finally have a night (maybe 2) to ourselves. See, we don't live alone....there are 5 other people in our house. So when we want to have sex it can be quite an ordeal. We didn't have a lock on our door (Mr. D fixed that!) and our kids just barge in like the FBI. I can be pretty loud so I spend a lot of the time with my face in a pillow or in the mattress, and he doesn't like to spank me because the "smack" is too loud. We aren't very comfortable getting to kinky with all of the "neighbors". So it's on next weekend!

Anyone have any ideas of what we can do while in our room....of course besides the obvious! Kinky or vanilla, hot or not.....all ideas are welcome!


Subrina <3

What A Fool

Things are looking up! Mr. D (I kinda like calling him that!) and I talked about some of the issues I'm having. He is really trying and I think I am too. I guess you would have to ask him that! LOL

I didn't realize that he is just as nervous, scared, frustrated and confused as I am. He never tells me how he's feeling in all of this. I never know if I do things wrong or if he doesn't really like things I do. He just keeps plugging away and trying to please me.

But the crazy thing is he does feel all of that. He doesn't have the confidence that I think he should have. And I have also figured out it's all my fault! How is he ever going to build any confidence with his decisions if I keep second guessing him, if I don't trust him?

I know this sounds crazy but somewhere in my head I thought if I said "I want you to be the HOH, I want you to be a Dominant in our relationship" that he would just assume the role AND do it like I had pictured in my head. That because I asked him for this he would just figure it out. What a fool I am!

Gawd knows I haven't figured out how to be submissive, how the hell did I think he would figure out how to be the HOH?

This TTWD ain't for sissies!

We both have agreed to take small steps and take it day by day. I am going to try and not be a brat or question him and he is going to try and make more decisions and be confident with those decisions. This is something we both want and are both working towards the same goal. It's just going to take patience (a lot) and communication.

Subrina <3

Trust

The last time I posted I was in a Horrible Place. I wasn't feeling very submissive and acting like a brat. I vented my frustration here in "blogland" and got some really great advice and a lot of support. Thank you so much for caring. I truly appreciate your words and the time you take out of your busy day to comment. It sure does make this journey a little easier having a place to come and vent and not be judged.

OK OK no more mushy stuff!

We have since talked about what was going on and have worked through some things. I have a really hard time talking to him and telling him how or what I'm feeling. I can do it through email or text, but face to face kills me! UGH I just can't do it. I am definitely one of those that when he asks what's wrong....I say nothing!

"After 19 years, why is it so hard for you to talk to me?"

"I don't know. I am so afraid I'm going to hurt your feelings and emasculate you. I can't stand to see the look on your face if I've hurt your feelings."

"OK. Then we need to come up with a way that you will feel comfortable. How about if I turn my back, that way you don't have to look at me?"

LOL "No, I don't want to look at your back and talk to you. Do I hurt or have I hurt your feelings?"

"No."

"Well that's good, cuz that's the last thing I want to do."


So, I think we have figured out some of the problem......

I told him that I think one of the big problem is trust. I explained the kind of trust that I was talking about. Because let's face it, there are all different types of trust.

I trust that he is not going to let anything bad happen to me, that he is always going to keep me safe. I trust that he is not going to cheat on me. I trust that he is not going to hurt me, mentally, emotionally or physically.

So, you're probably asking if I have all of this trust in him then where is the non-trust?

I know there is no right or wrong way to live D/s or TTWD. I know you mold it and make it what works for you and your partner. But I don't trust him with the lifestyle (yet). I don't trust that he knows what to do or how to do it. Not saying that I do, by any means.

For example, when I get bratty or disrespectful he gets frustrated. He will walk out of the room or just ignore it, leaving me feeling disappointed. He doesn't deal with it. He has a couple of rules in place, if I break one of them he will mention it and that's it, never to be talked about again. If he asks me to do something and I don't get it done, it's not brought up. If it is brought up I will make an excuse why it didn't get done and he's ok with it, always!

This is all still pretty new to us and we are both learning how to make these changes. I know they are not going to happen over night. But I would like a little consistency. I would like for him to stick with what he says. He is getting better and is really putting an effort, and I am so grateful for that.

 

Here I am........leaping!



Subrina <3

Horrible Place

I don't know what's going on. I feel so out of sorts. I'm irritated. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. I'm bitchy, moody, bratty, just aaaaaahhhhhhhhh UGH! I feel a disconnect with him.

All of these feelings and no explanation. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. We did get into an argument, but nothing to cause all of this.

As much as being dominant is new to him, being submissive is very new to me. I was raised with the idea that you didn't let a man tell you what to do or wait on them or do things for them. My single mom was all about womens rights, equality, blah blah blah. On top of that I have a pretty dominant personality.

My hubby has always let me lead. He has always let me step up to the front. He has always let me take care of things, let me be the mouth piece. Not that he didn't do anything, but he just followed my lead. Now I want him to be the leader and me to follow. hhhmmmm

Am I setting us up for failure?

Is being submissive something that I am even capable of doing?

My poor hubby has been trying to be dominant. Every time he tries I either laugh or absolutely just refuse whatever it is he is asking.

I laugh because it's so out of the norm. He has never acted like that and it just sounds funny when he is trying to be stern or strict with me. I also think it's because I don't trust him. I don't trust that he means it. I don't trust that what he is saying is what he really means. I don't trust that there will be any follow through.

When he tries to be dominant and I refuse....he gets frustrated with me. DUH I totally understand why! But it just seems so foreign to me to go with it. And then he will just kind of give up because he is so frustrated.

"Why do you always throw up your hands and say 'fuck it' when you don't know what to do?"

"Why can't you just be submissive? Why can't you just do what I ask? You asked for this and yet you fight me at every turn. Are you sure this is what you want?"


HHHHMMMMMM  Good question!

"I don't know why I fight you. Yea, I think this is what I want."

I really don't know why! I mean, he's right, I did ask for this. I do want him to be HOHy and Dominant....then why can't I be submissive? WTF? UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH

I feel that if he was more dominant then it would be easier to be more submissive. But then I think, well if I'm more submissive he will be more dominant. WOW....like a damn dog chasing it's tail! Stupid!

DAMMIT I want him to take charge. I want him to be the boss. I want him to stand up to me. I want him to not baby me. I want him stick to his guns. I want him to be consistent. I want him to follow through with things.

Maybe my problem is ME! Maybe I'm irritated, frustrated and mad at myself. Maybe I'm realizing that this just might not work. Maybe this just isn't something I am capable of. Maybe that's where all of these feelings are coming from.

I am looking to him to get me out of this. I am looking to him to help me figure this out. I am looking at him to grab me and say we are going to figure this out NOW! I am looking to him to lead.

I am putting everything off on him huh? :/  Not very submissive huh? :/

So where the hell do I go from here? How do I get outta of this horrible place? How do I work on submission when I'm not even sure I can do it.

Why do I want this? Because all of the books make it sound so exciting and thrilling and perfect?

KNOCK KNOCK

Who is it?

Reality! Stop acting like a fool!

Did you ever feel like you couldn't be submissive? Did you ever feel like...what am I doing?

Subrina <3





Dominic,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch lately. I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and the way I have been treating you. You are so good to me and treat me like a princess and I'm so grateful. I love you!

Lost Hope?

Dominic and I kind of got into a argument discussion today about money. Things never go well when we discuss money. First of all we don't have enough of it! lol And second, well we just don't have enough of it!

I was questioning him about some money that was spent. I didn't understand where it all went, so I was asking him about it. He really didn't have an answer for me, so I kind of got a little upset and maybe raised my voice. Yea I know....not smart!

I was driving home from work and he called me, asked me where I was. He said that I had an attitude earlier today when we talked. So when we got home we would be discussing my attitude. Kind of excited!

OK, talk about what? I didn't have an attitude. I was just asking what happened.

Well, the conversation started out alright. But he didn't like that I was still questioning him, and I guess I still had my attitude. I just wanted to know what the hell happened.

Anyway, we got it figured out. But not without some looks, head shaking and complete frustration. And this was all him!!!!!! UGH Not very Dom/Sir like

Well, I don't know why but I still had my attitude.

"I can't do this if this is the way it's going to be. I don't want to have to fight you about money. And you just keep fighting, you won't let it go."

"I just wanted an answer. I didn't understand and wanted you to explain it to me. But all you could say was I don't know. That's not what I wanted to hear"

He just sat there with a pissed off look on his face and shaking his head.

Well unfortunately my attitude got a little out of control. I said in a calm voice....

"Well, I'm waiting for you to do what you always do and throw up your hands, say fuck it and walk out of the room"

He just looked at me.

"I don't want to fight with you, especially about finances"

Then we we're interrupted by our youngest and the conversation stopped. They both got dressed and left for practice. Now here I am, sitting here and disappointed.

I know I shouldn't have acted like that, and I probably shouldn't have questioned him about the money (really it wasn't that much money)....but I fully expected him to take more control. I expected him to not allow me to be so bratty and put a stop to it or at least say something. To be honest, I was expecting him to say something earlier today when we spoke. But nothing!

Is this really that hard? I mean, I know I need to make changes, just as I'm asking him to change. But man, it's so easy to fall back into past practice. I wasn't getting the answer I wanted, I got mad and feel right back into the past. UGH While we we're talking I was thinking I should really shut my mouth. I should really just shut up and let it go, stop being so bratty. But when he didn't say anything or put a stop to it....I just kept going. Will I ever be able to do this?

I get that this is new.....I get that he's trying to find his groove and doesn't know exactly how to act when I act like a damn brat. But come on! I fully expected him to stand up to me and he doesn't. I get so frustrated when he lets me act like that.

I know I need to change too. I know that I shouldn't be acting like that towards him. But when I get upset or mad and I do act like that.....DOM UP!

Dom up and tell me to stop it. Tell me that you are not going to allow me to talk to you that way. Don't put up with my shit. Don't be afraid to be stern with me, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.


***UPDATE***
He called from practice and asked if I was ok. I said the typical female answer "yea, I'm fine!" He knows me too well and knew there was something wrong.

He said that he was sorry and was disappointed in himself. I asked him why.

"When you act like that I still don't know how to react. Well, I do know what I should say or do but it just feels so weird. It feels strange for me to discipline you or to tell you NOT to do something. The blog you sent me (Rodger's Thoughts) really helped but I'm still not sure exactly what to say or do when you are like that."

"I'm sorry that I acted like that. It's so easy to fall back into past practice. I get that, but when you don't do anything I feel like we're just spinning our wheels. I'm disappointed too."

"We will talk more when I get home from practice."

Subrina <3

TTWD Etiquette

I have been thinking about this for a while and I'm not really sure what the answer is.

Where is the best place to ask these questions?

Where do I go for answers?

Yup, you guessed it!

To you, blogland!

First let me say that I truly appreciate all of you bloggers, Sirs and subs! I have learned so much about something I knew so little. This place and all of you absolutely amaze me. I feel I can be more open and honest with all of you than I am with friends in my life. Of course I am somewhat hiding behind a keyboard but whatever! Here you are not judged for things you like or don't like. Everyone seems to accept your lifestyle, no matter how kinky, and are also willing to give some really good advice.

Having said that, I have been wondering about something......TTWD or D/s etiquette.

Is there D/s etiquette? Is there a certain way you should address certain people?

When you are commenting on a Dom's post, do you call him Sir? He's not my Sir, so is it rude or disrespectful to call him that? Or is it rude or disrespectful to NOT call him Sir?

What if he is a Master? Do you call him Master?

Or do you call him Mr. *insert name*?  If it's known.

When you are commenting to a sub and her Sir has commented, do you ask him to comment to her?

For those of you that go to the clubs....I'm sure there is a certain protocol that is expected?

Subrina <3