This Is Us

I found this on someone else's blog and thought it would be fun for Dominic and I to do it. He is never on my blog but he does read everything on it! Just a fun Q&A to get to know us a little better! As you will see, Dominic is right to the point and doesn't elaborate to much on his answers! I wonder if that's just a male thing.....hmmmmm

 

1)   Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? 

       Me: open
       Sir: open

2)   Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
       Me:  yea, why not! You can use them when you run out of shampoo
       Sir:  no

3)   Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
       Me: the foot part is tucked in
       Sir: no

4)   Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

       Me: no, but there are a few that I would like to steal!

       Sir:  no

5)   Who is your favorite Actor/Actress?
       Me: Well if you know me at all you would know that I am obsessed with Channing Tatum. As for the actress, that’s not so easy. How about Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon
       Sir: Actor-John Cusack and Denzel Washington/Actress – Eva Mendes

6)   Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
       Me: no, but I would love to be one of those people that go to the check out, give them my coupons and my bill is like $15 for $300 worth of groceries
      Sir: no, never

7)   Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
       Me: WTH, neither
       Sir: swarm of bees

8)   What is your favorite band/group?
        Me: P!NK and country music
        Sir: Social Distortion

9)   Do you always smile for pictures?
       Me: I take the pictures, I’m not in them!
       Sir:  no

10) What is your biggest pet peeve?
       Me: liars! I HATE liars, you can never trust anything they say
       Sir: bring late

11)  What size is your bed?
       Me: queen
       Sir:  queen

12)   Whats your least favorite movie?
        Me: any scary movies
        Sir: Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde

13)   What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

         Me: ranch, sometimes bbq…but my favorite is Famous Daves Devil’s Spit!
         Sir: ranch and ketchup

14)   What is your favorite food?
         Me: anything mexican
          Sir: Fuji Burgers….they have the best avocado teriyaki bacon burger anywhere

15)   What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
         Me: Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde, Summer Catch, Sandlot, Pretty Woman
         Sir: Bourne Identity

 16)   Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

          Me: no
          Sir: no

17)   Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
        Me: if I had the body and the price was right
        Sir: no

 18)   When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

          Me: Well not sure if this counts or not, but I put lil notes in Sir’s lunch box
          Sir: about 3 years ago

19)   Favorite kind of sandwich?

         Me: peanut butter and pickles ….it has to be kosher dill pickles and creamy peanut butter. Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!
         Sir: turkey with mayo and cheese

20)   Best thing to eat for breakfast?

         Me: not a big breakfast fan but I would have to say a breakfast burrito
         Sir: eggs

21)   What is your usual bedtime?

         Me: 9:30 pm
         Sir: 10:00 pm

22)   Are you lazy?

        Me: some of the time

        Sir: yes

23)   Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

         Me: no

         Sir: yes, baseball express

 

24)   Do you sing in the car?

         Me: OMG…yes I do. I have a full blown concert in my car. I’m very animated!!!! Lol I think I am the best lip singer around!

         Sir: yes, when I’m by myself

25)   Do you sing in the shower?

         Me: no, but I do talk to myself in the shower

         Sir: no

26)   Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?  

         Me: Where ever they are having a sale! Also depends on what I’m looking for

         Sir: All three, but we don’t go to Kmart much

 

27)   Whats your favorite color?

        Me: Purple

        Sir: Black and gray

Hoper you enjoyed our little Q&A, we had fun doing it!

 

Dominic & Subrina <3

 

Breakthroughs, Realizations and Fears, Oh My!

The weekend is over and as you know (if you have read my blog) we just celebrated our anniversary. Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday and had a really nice dinner, just the two of us. Then we went down to the beach and walked around for a little while. We found a quiet place to sit and shared a caramel apple and just spent the evening talking. We both really opened up to each other, explaining our fears, our wants and just this whole TTWD. It was amazing!

We both learned quite a bit about each other, which kind of surprised me. We have been together so long and have been really close for so long, I just kind of assumed that we knew just about everything. Well, let me just tell you how wrong I was. I really appreciated him opening up and being honest with me about certain things.

Hubby is always trying to protect me, in more ways than one. He usually wont tell me exactly how he feels because he's afraid he's going to hurt my feelings. I explained to him that if this is going to work he needs to be completely open and honest. He can't be afraid to hurt my feelings by how he feels. He understood but still didn't seem to comfortable with it.

Lately Hubby has not been sleeping well. It's been about a month that he has had sleepless nights, tossing and turning, even a little on edge. I kept asking him if there was anything bothering him and he would always say no, not that he knew of. I knew better. I knew something was bothering him I just needed him to figure it out. Well Saturday morning he had a lil meltdown breakthrough.

Hubby was so frustrated and stressed out about life happenings. He said that he is stressed out about money, the kids, about us and just everything. The kids stress I understood, the money stress I understood, the us stress, well I was a little concerned. Not a kind of concern that our relationship was in jeopardy, but a concern that I knew was coming.

Ever since I came to him with TTWD or D/s, I have had a concern that this was going to overwhelm him. I always felt like what I was asking was going to put way to much pressure on him. Well, I was right. He told me that not only is this all new for him but he knows nothing about it and this is something he has to learn. He said he is so afraid to disappoint me. With every decision he makes he is always thinking "is she going to think this is Dom of me" or "is she going to question me" or "is she going to trust me". WOW! OMG What have I done?

I just recently read a GREAT blog post on A Dauntless Journey titled "The Fear of a Dominant". He gives such a great perspective on a Dom's point of view. I never realized that HE would have fears and what those fears would be. I just ASSumed (there's that damn word again UGH) that I would tell him what I wanted and he would just figure it out and do it. It never occurred to me that he would have his own set of issues to deal with. There are times when they're not exactly sure what to do or how to do. Here we are asking them to lead us and guide us and then ASSume they just know how to do it.

Now I'm thinking, have I put so much pressure on him about TTWD that it has him this stressed out? So I did what any normal loving wife would do.......I started to cry. I felt so guilty and so bad for him I didn't know what else to do. Of course he told me not to cry and everything would be ok, but UGH I just felt so bad. I never want him to feel stressed out or upset and especially because of me!

We had a long talk and he said he likes this new lifestyle and is excited to see where we go with it. He also said that he feels closer to me than he ever has. WHEW...that made me smile. I just need to give him time to change past practice and learn some new things. He is getting much better at TTWD or D/s. He even admitted that he likes when I call him Sir, so I think I will have to start doing that more.

Since our talk, I find my self really trying to please him, even more than before. I'm not just talking about sex (I mean, seriously that's just a given!!!) but just in everyday life. I also have noticed that since our talk he has really taking on his Dom role and has even learned a look! I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about....and when I get that look, I don't know, something inside just clicks and I completely change my attitude.

He also confessed that he likes giving me rules and things to do. I always do what I'm told and haven't broken any rules. He said that he keeps giving me more rules just hoping that I will break one so he can show me that he is serious about this. I laughed and told him that I think the same thing, I want to break one of the rules just to see if he will follow through or not. But how healthy can that be?

I'm am so happy with our progress and am even more excited for our TTWD future. I am finally realizing that I need to do this at his pace, he is leading and guiding us. I have also learned that in this, you take one step forward and a couple back. As long as after those couple of steps back, we move forward, then everything will be just fine.

Subrina <3

Anniversary

Today is our anniversary. Our wedding anniversary. When him and I met I had no intentions of ever getting married. My parents have been married and divorced so many times they diluted the meaning of marriage. Neither one of us is religious so that wasn't a reason either. To me it was just a piece of paper. I always felt like I didn't need a piece of paper to say how much I loved him. For me, that little piece of paper didn't mean anything until it was time to divorce, and then it meant everything. He didn't think like that.

He loved me anyway, he stayed with me anyway. He would make comments about getting married but I always came up with a reason why we shouldn't. That didn't mean that I didn't love him or that I didn't plan on being with him forever, I just didn't think that little piece of paper was that important.
He is that certain kind of person that can love my crazy. He is the only one that has ever been able to deal with me and do it so well. I think I'm hard to love. I always tell him that but he never agrees. He makes loving me seem so easy, it's just what he does.

I never knew how much I could love someone (other than my boys) until he came into my life. He owns my heart, my body, my mind and my soul. And now that we are doing TTWD it has become even deeper. We are still really new at this, but I have never felt as close to him as I have since starting this journey.

It's not our first year but he is my best friend. That's how we started out...as best friends. We were both in relationships with other people. We would tell each other everything, share our secrets....and then it happened! I tripped and fell in love. It was never planned, it wasn't something I wanted. But he stole my heart and has kept it safe for almost 20 years.

We have been married for 14 years. We haven't always had the best relationship, we've had our ups and downs, trials and tribulations but I am proud to say that we have never been to the point that we have talked separation, EVER! We have had some really rough times but we have always pulled together and pulled through. We have friends that are always telling us "I wish I could find happiness like you guys". We just smile at each other and shrug our shoulders, it's just us!

To my Husband, thank you for picking me. You have always loved me like every day is our anniversary. You have always treated me like I'm your queen. I appreciate you and glad that I get to spend my life with you. 

Subrina <3

Harder

Since we have started this journey I have often thought, who is this change harder for? Who has to make the biggest changes? Who has to make the sacrifices? He is not a single Dom looking for a sub, I am not a single sub looking for a Dom. There are no interviews, no searches, no getting-to-know you, no contracts. We are a married couple that knows the other one very well, are very comfortable with each other but most of all, we are absolutely in love with each other.

So..............

Who is it harder for?

The Dominant/HOH/Sir

The submissive

Neither one of us knows much about the lifestyle, I more than him. Neither one of us have ever been in a TTWD or D/s relationship. We are just learning as we go using the internet, books and blogland for guidance.

BTW.....thank you fellow bloggers......

 

OK, where was I?

There is 19 years of past practice. We have established roles in our relationship. One more dominant than the other.

So my question is.....who is it harder for?

The Dominant, who has never really been dominant. Who has always followed the lead, who has treated his wife like a queen and given her anything and everything. Who has allowed her to take the lead and is comfortable with the way things are/were. Who allows her to speak to him in any way, make most of the decisions, take care of the finances and the disciplining of the kids.

Or

The submissive, who has never really been a submissive. Who has always taken the lead, made most of the family decisions, has taken care of the finances and has disciplined the kids. Who has spoken to him disrespectfully and has not always put him first.

So, how do they change? Can they change, can they have this D/s relationship? How do they reverse the roles without completely crumbling their foundation? How does he lead her confidently and with conviction? How does she give up control, when she's always been in control?

 

We definitely have the love! Looking forward to the rest of it!

I think its equal. Each has their own difficulties and challenges to deal with. One, no more than the other. If they each work on self discovery, make changes within and work together, anything is possible.

Subrina <3

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say!

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately trying to learn how this thing works. I love how all of you share your most intimate details, your secrets, your trials and tribulations, your happy and not so happy moments. I learn so much from each of you reading what you are or have gone through. I haven't really made any "friends"....one that I talk to all of the time or that knows everything that I'm going through and not because I don't want to, I guess the connection just hasn't been made. Anyway, I do feel like I "know" some of you and I appreciate the things you share.

I have been feeling very frustrated (again) lately. It seems like that's the norm around here. UGH Well, this time I decided that I wasn't going to stay quiet and be frustrated. If I have learned anything from all of you is COMMUNICATION! So I communicated!

If you have read my blog you know that we are just beginning this journey and I have a couple of rules that I am to follow. One of them is texting him at 11:30 (he does give me 5 mins before/after for some leeway), regardless of what I'm doing. I don't have to say anything specific, just a text. Well Friday I got busy at work and couldn't text until 12:02! My text said........

11:30......Sorry got busy at work! Hope you're having a good day. I love you!

 

His reply......

Ur late!!!!! I'll think about this. Love u too hope ur having a good day!!!!

Can I just tell you how excited I was to read his text??? I know some of you are thinking I'm crazy. Why would I want to be in trouble? Why would I want to be punished? Well, it's not that I wanted to be punished or in trouble....but for me it meant that he was moving in the right direction. He was being the HOH and holding me accountable (finally!!!)

For the rest of the day I was nervous, excited and a little worried! I went on with my day at work and when I got home all I could think about was what he was going to say or do. Of course I didn't mention it when I got home and neither did he. We went on with our evening and I kept thinking he's going to wait until we go to bed and then .....I don't know! What's he going to do, especially since we don't spank for punishment. It's time for bed and still nothing.

I go to work the next day and it was never brought up. I come home from work, still nothing. The same thing happens the next day!! Nothing! hmmmm ok is he still thinking about it? Sheesh! How long does it take? Maybe this is his way of punishing me? As the days go by I get more frustrated. OK now it's time to communicate!

I send him an email! *even though we've been together for 19 years, I still have trouble talking to him face to face about TTWD or D/s* I tell him that we keep having the same conversation over and over again....things change for about a week or two then it's right back to the same old routine. He keeps claiming he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. I keep telling him he needs to do research. I don't like telling him how to act or how to be....to me that defeats the purpose. But I do, sometimes!

I told him that I loved his text he sent about me being late and that I was so excited to see how he was going to handle it.....then nothing! My problem is Consistency, conviction and confidence!

I want him to be consistent....if he's going to say "ur late, I'll think about this" then I want him to follow through with it. I want to feel his conviction in what he says. I want him to feel confident with his decisions.

I know some of this has to do with me, with how I make him feel. I'm working on that...I'm trying to make him feel confident with his decisions and not question it. But for so long the roles have been reversed and I don't always trust him. I feel that he needs to earn my trust as much as I need to give him the confidence. But if he's not consistent and has no authority or conviction with his decisions it makes it really hard. I feel like a dog chasing my tail! UGH

One thing that really irritates me is when I send him an email and he doesn't acknowledge it. I get no response and no answer, through email, text or verbally. So today he called me on his break. He says that he read my email yesterday and that he's trying. But he feels so uncomfortable "telling" me what to do, giving me orders. He says it makes him feel like such a dick.

Yesterday he told me he wanted the laundry done before he got home. In my email I told him that I would do it, no problem, but what would happen if I didn't? Nothing! He said when he told me to do it he just felt like he was being an ass. I explained to him that I didn't see it like that, I didn't think he was being an ass.

For me, when he tells me to do things I feel like he loves me more. I know that sounds strange and I have a hard time explaining it. But I feel like I matter, that he cares about me, that he loves me....I feel more cherished. When TTWD or D/s is working for us I feel such a closeness, a connection with him like never before.

But when he makes idol threats or empty promises it just breaks my heart. When he doesn't follow through with things it makes all those cherished feelings disappear. I always tell him "say what you mean and mean what you say"! To me that is HUGE!

I'm sure these are normal hurdles in this journey. I seriously never thought this was going to be so hard. Those damn books had me fooled! LOL I know we will get there, I just get frustrated at the process! But I'm sure that it will make us that much stronger in our relationship and I really can't wait to see our changes!

Subrina <3

Hard to Love

What is wrong with me??? UGH

Here I am asking hubby for his dominance, to take control, to keep me in line and put me in check when I get mouthy. Why, as soon as he tries to be just a lil dominant I push him.......and keep pushing.

Why would I do that? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I ask for this? Don't I want him to take control and not let me act bratty?

So why do I keep pushing him and testing him? Why do I keep acting like a brat?

Let me set the scene......

I do all of the driving. I drive for a living and also 1) he doesn't really like to drive and 2) I don't make a very good passenger. OK who am I kidding...I HATE being a passenger!!

Yea, I'm a bit of a control freak and especially in this area! A control freak that wants to be dominated?? Am I setting myself up for disaster?

Anyway, where was I?

I was driving us to our sons practice. I'm a pretty aggressive driver and kinda think I own the road sometimes, but I'm a safe driver! There was quite a bit of traffic. My hubby is in the passenger seat looking at his phone, probably being a facebook whore! I can always see him out of the corner of my eye making gestures like he's driving. He will push on the floor board like he's pushing on the brake, he will grab the door and something in the middle console like he's holding on for dear life! HA For whatever reason he looked up and saw brake lights and FREAKED OUT!!!!! He gasped and grabbed on to the door and threw both of his feet to the floor like we were going over a cliff!

I was kinda close to the car in front of me but totally had the situation under control, until he freaked out. He scared me by his reaction and I slammed on the brakes thinking I was going to hit something. I was soooo mad at his reaction and how it made me react I might have yelled at him a lil bit. (blushing)

Me: What is your problem? Why would you do that?

Him: Are you even paying attention? You were going to hit the car in front of you.

Me: No, I wasn't, I saw it! Why would you act like that.........damn I hate when you're in the car with me! UGH

Him: You always wonder when you drive and don't always pay attention.

Me: I know what I'm doing!!!!!! You were on your phone and not even paying attention, you look up and all you saw were brake lights....you can't see the mirrors like I can. You don't know what's going on around us.

Him: Fine, next time I won't say anything and then you'll be crying cuz your car is smashed!

Me: biting my lip trying to be submissive. A lil late after my bratty lil outburst huh :/

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I was thinking.....did I just really yell at him? Was I really acting like a brat? Unfortunately I have to answer yes to both of those questions.

We get to the field and get our stuff out (still in silence) and usually he will carry my chair....HAHA not this time! He left it for me to carry. I pick up the chair and he says "you got it?". I just kept walking....like a brat!

He asked again and I replied "I got it" probably with way to much sass! But he didn't say anything, he just kept walking.

We get to the field and I set up my chair and other things and I kept dropping my water bottle. I yelled "FUCK!" Picked up the water bottle and slammed it down, Of course it fell over because of the force I used!

I grabbed my phone just so I didn't have to speak to him or look at him. The whole time we're walking and during the time I was setting my stuff up I was thinking.....OK, what I really want him to do (or think he should do) is put a stop to this now. Put both of his hands on my chair, lean down and get in my face and tell me I need to adjust my attitude!

Well guess what?



That's exactly what he did!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY


I got this smile on my face and turned away. I did it for a couple of reasons.....1) cuz I didn't want him to see me smiling cuz of course I was mad and 2) cuz that's what I was hoping he would do and I was happy! He didn't disappoint!

Then he grabbed my chin, forced me to look at him and he started talking to me, very calm but with authority. He said he didn't like that way I was acting and that I needed to adjust my attitude.

I just kept trying to look away and he kept smiling, although I really didn't want to, I just couldn't help it. I was sooooo excited for him to be acting like this.

He told me I needed to apologize to him for the way I acted and for yelling at him. I kinda rolled my eyes.....ok let's be honest, it was a full on eye roll and I apologized for my behavior.

I explained to him why I got so mad, He agreed that he always acts like that and will try to control it in the future! YAY progress!

So there I was, sitting at my sons practice, excited as hell because of the way he acted, just like I have been wanting him too and so proud of him or putting on his "man pants".

Then I started to get mad at myself. I was thinking why do I act like that? I want him to take control, correct me when I'm wrong, not allow me to act like a brat.....and then I go and act like a brat!

UGH

Is it harder to be submissive or dominant? Who has more work....cuz right now I'm thinkin I do!!!

Thank you my love for steppin up, putting your man pants on and for trying TTWD! I know this is hard for you because I am your princess, but it's so damn HOT when your Dom comes out! I love you! It takes a special kind of crazy to love someone crazy like me....and you are that special!

I always tell you that I'm hard to love......I bet now you believe me! HAHA

Subrina <3

Frustrated

I haven't been on here in a while. I have been reading all of your blogs but really didn't have much to say myself. We are still trying to work on this D/s thing but not having much luck. I know I am supposed to be patient but damn...how patient do I have to be. It's been over 6 months since I brought this to him and not much has changed. I am really beginning to think this just isn't going to work for us. Many of you have told me that I need to work on my submission and it will bring out the Dom in him.....not so much. It's very hard to be submissive when your not feeling the Dom on the other end. We seem to have this conversation when he sees I'm getting frustrated or mad. He will ask me what's wrong and we will get into the conversation. Promises will be made and all is good for about a week...and then it's right back to the same ol shit. He keeps telling me this is all new to him and isn't easy for him, ok I get it.....but it's not gonna be easy if you put little to no effort into it. He says he doesn't know exactly what to do or how to act. I've told him to reach out, ask questions, do research....does he? NO! He wants me to figure it all out and tell him what to do/how to act. Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of this???? He refuses to reach out because he doesn't want to look like a fool. I told him, how are you going to learn if you don't ask questions. He says, well is there like a class I can go to?? Yea, DOM 101 at the local JC.  UGH! I want to feel his confidence, his control, his conviction when he says something. I feel like anytime he makes a decision he is looking for my approval. I told him that whatever he decides that's what will be. He has put in a couple of rules....one of them was for me to text him everyday (mon-fri) at 11:30, I would put 11:30.....and then say whatever I wanted, I just had to text him. I drive for a living and it can be very hard to do it at 11:30. But I set the alarm on my phone to remind me and sometimes I would write the text early and just not send it until my alarm went off. I did this faithfully for a lil over a month. I missed a day because of work and I was nervous when I got home wondering what he would say or do. I get home and don't mention it and neither does he!!!! WTH really. Ok so the next day same thing happens, I just couldn't get it done. I get home really nervous because it's been 2 days that I haven't done it and again.....nothing! It's been over 3 weeks since I have text him at 11:30 and he has yet to say anything about it. How can I trust him when he doesn't/wont follow through with things. What have I done? I created this and now I want him to change.....what is wrong with me? I really thought this was going to be so much easier than it is. UGH! I am sooooo frustrated with this whole thing, but want it soooo bad. There are times when I've told him just forget it. We'll just go back to the way it was. He will panic and say no, we're going to work on this and all is right in the world.....for about a week! I can't keep having the same conversation and getting the same results. I just want him to STEP UP, be the HOH, be the Dom, take control. When I'm being bratty, put a stop to it, don't allow it. When I won't talk, make me talk. When I don't want to do something, push me. Is that really to much to ask? Maybe I'm just not submissive, maybe this isn't working because of ME.

Sorry for my rant, I'm just so frustrated and I'm just not sure where to go from here. He keeps saying he's willing to do this but shit isn't changing!

Bitch Pass

Mr. D surprised me with an AMAZING weekend. He planned this whole big thing, rented a room, went out to an awesome dinner, bought me a new outfit, head to toe. He even picked everything out by himself, right down to the shoes!!! This is sooooo unlike him....but I was sooo grateful and appreciated everything.

So we pack up for an overnight stay, say goodbye to the kids and off we go. Mr. D tells me that I can take a shower at the hotel, let's just go. We get to the room, I take a shower and he tells me that I need to be ready by 5:00, we have dinner reservations at 5:30. OK, no problem, it's 3:00!! I get out of the shower and he has laid out the outfit he bought me......OMG it was soooooo cute! So I start getting ready but Mr. D has other plans. He is fully dressed, but we start kissing and I'm getting excited...I'm thinking "Sweet, before dinner AND after? Wow he really is pulling out all the stops!" Well, he has other thoughts....he gets me all kinds of hot and then.....nothing. He stops what he's doing and says come on we need to go. WHOA, what? That's it? But what about.....Can I just tell you.....I couldn't eat dinner fast enough!!! HAHA

Mr. D and I are really very simple people and live very simple lives. We don't spend a lot of money on extravagant things. He found this restaurant/saloon called The Ranch. He knows how much I love country music and thought this place would be perfect, sounded country-ish. We go to the Ranch, walk in and wanted to walk right back out. This place was so elegant, uppity and expensive! YIKES! I totally felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...when he takes her to that restaurant and she tries escargot and it goes flying and the waiter catches it.....slippery lil suckers! LOL That's how I felt, and Mr. D was even less comfortable. So we decided to get one meal and share it (it was a really big steak), drank water and the bill was $120!!! WTF? Who spends that much on a dinner for two?? I know there are some that that's not a big deal...but to us that was a HUGE deal. We felt so out of place and uncomfortable....but we decided to enjoy the night and our time together. And we did! 

We went back to the room and decided to walk around the city. We didn't get very far...I think we both felt the "need" to get back to the room and it wasn't for sleeping! We had so much fun just being with each other with no interruptions. Just us! He was in full Mr. D mode and I was lovin it! I am really liking when he is all Dom like! HAHA He's learning!

Monday and Tuesday roll around and things were just not clicking with us. I'm not sure what's going on...but I'm just not really feeling the whole sub thing. Not that I'm knee deep in it, it's still pretty new and we are still trying to figure out our roles, but I don't know! Maybe it's something in the air...I have been reading a few blogs and they are saying the same thing.

Here are some situations that I wasn't feeling very submissive.....

I drive for a living so I can't always be on the phone. But I make as much time as possible to talk to him while he's on his breaks. Monday was crazy and I was really busy, so I didn't have time to talk to him. I text him and told him this. He calls me on his break....

Mr. D "Hey baby"

Me (maybe with a hint of attitude) "I'm driving, I text you and told you I can't talk on the phone"

Mr. D "I know, but you have said that before and you were able to talk. I thought maybe I would catch you in between and you could talk"

Me "I'm driving I'll call you later if I can"

Mr. D "whatever" and hangs up

We have been having problems with our youngest and his grades. Mr. D and I talked about it and decided that we are a team and going to face this both being on the same page. He was going to do the talking and handing down the punishment and I was going to be his wingman. We call our son in our room and Mr. D says a few things and then I added to it. Well I just kept adding and adding and couldn't stop. It was like the conversation that me and Mr. D had never happened. I did almost all the talking and handed him his punishment. We just kind of fell back into pre D/s and I was in control. It was kind of like auto pilot. Mr. D never said anything, he just let me do my thing (like he always has done in the past).

So our son leaves the room.....

Mr. D "You didn't even let me talk, you just kept talking and talking."

Me (maybe with a hint of attitude) "well you lagged it and should have stepped up sooner and started talking"

Mr. D "Whatever" and leaves the room.

Me thinking well that's how it usually happens, no surprise there!

A little while later I was on the computer answering an email. My fingers were typing away and he's talking to me. I'm just kind of half ass answering him, a couple of nods and a few grunts.

Mr. D "I'm talking to you, why don't you answer me?"

Me "ok wait" continues typing

He continues to talk to me and ask questions. I'm still typing!

Me (maybe with a hint of attitude and raised voice) "You don't see me on the computer and my fingers moving? Hold on!"

Mr. D "You can't talk to me while you do that? I asked you a question"

Me (maybe with a lil more than a hint of attitude)"Seriously? Can you text and talk? Can you read and talk? No, I don't think so!"

Mr. D gives me a look and says "you need to change your attitude"

I just look at him, as if to say, or what? He just shakes his head and leaves the room.

Later we are laying in bed and he asks what my problem is. I tell him nothing. He asks why am I acting so bratty and why wouldn't I talk to him today at work. Again, I tried to explain to him that I was driving. So now he's butt hurt and I'm mad cuz he's butt hurt. He asks me again what my problem is and again

Me "nothing! I think I'm getting ready to start"

Mr. D "that's no reason to be so bratty"

Me "yes it is, you know how I get when I'm getting ready to start"

*I'm a bitch for the first 3-4 days before Aunt Flo graces us with her presence*

Me "I think I should get a Bitch Pass"

Mr. D *kind of chuckles, but not really* "no bitch passes, you just need to stop acting like that"

Me *HUH! arms crossed and a pissed off look on my face*

Mr. D (a lil more stern voice) "Seriously Surbina, you need to stop" and he leaves the room

Me thinking Yeah, whatever, and if I don't?? Just what I thought, Nothing!

Then he comes back in the room all Dom like

Mr. D "OK, I have had enough, give me your laptop, no internet tonight"

Me "WTH? You can't do that. You can't just come in here AFTER the fact and say that. We don't even have rules/consequences set"

Mr. D "I don't care, you need to stop being so bratty" and he takes my laptop

Me "WTH you can't do that, you should have done that yesterday, not after the fact"

Mr. D *takes my laptop and leaves the room*

About 5 mins later he comes back in and hands me my laptop and walks out. I just grinned and went back on the computer!

So, I think I am/was mad for a few different reasons..........
1. Frustrated with my son and his lack of effort
2. Frustrated with Mr. D and his lack of Dominance
3. Frustrated with my lack of submission
4. Aunt Flo making her appearance (she's not even here yet UGH)

Should I get a "bitch pass"? Probably not. Am I entitled to a "bitch pass" cuz of Aunt Flo? Probably not. I really wanted him to put a stop to my bitchiness, not allow me to speak to him the way I did. I know I shouldn't have acted like that and should have stopped myself but I don't know. Isn't that part of D/s? How many of you (subs) would have gotten away with that? How many of you (Doms) would have allowed that? I know I wasn't right for acting like that, and I did realize it the next day....but dammit he shouldn't have let it get so out of hand....and he shouldn't have given into me. I want him to be more assertive, aggressive, controlling, Dominant!

I guess we both have a lot to learn. It would be so much easier to just go back to the way it was. But if we did that, would I really be happy? Probably not!

This Crazy "Thing"

This crazy "thing" that I've gotten us into just keeps amazing me. When this all first started I wasn't sure what I wanted, still not sure now, but I think I have a better understanding of what I want. I read some books, was intrigued/fascinated and wanted to crawl in those books. I did some research and found this amazing community of like minded people that are willing to reach out and help guide you, answer questions, give advice and all without judging. Who knew that Kinksters and Spankos were so helpful and nice?!

I have read blogs where the sub says she feels she would do anything for her HusDom and wants to serve him, wants him to use her anyway he wants. She WANTS to kneel in front of him, she WANTS to be spanked, she WANTS to have rules, she WANTS to be disciplined. HA, this is sooooo not me. I gotta tell ya, I didn't feel like that. I'm not his servant, I'm not going to let him make rules for me AND discipline me??? WTH? We're married, we're equals, he has no "power" or "control" over me. 

Now here we are walking this D/s path and are really working hard at this, and all that above stuff has changed! :) WHAT?...you say. Yup.....The feelings, emotions, wants, needs, acts....it's all so new and raw and scary and AWESOME! The want or need to NOT disappoint him is sometimes overwhelming. I can't believe the feelings I have for him now. Not that I didn't love him before, but OMG! This is waaaay beyond anything I ever could have imagined and so different.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir and I'm not saying (or about to say) anything that any of you haven't already experienced. Especially those of you that have been doing this "thing" for a while. But WOW! Lately I have noticed that I just can't get enough of him. I can't get enough of his touch, his time, his words, his presence......his Dominance! WHOA, did I just say that out loud?? Yes, I did......his Dominance!!! It's all still really new and we are trying to figure out our roles....and we do fall back into old habits but they don't seem to last long, but OH MY GAWD!!! This is amazing!

He has really stepped up his game lately. He is totally taking charge, becoming more of an HOH, making decisions, taking over the finances and I am soooooo freakin happy!!! He has even established a new rule. He thought we should start off slow and small, so my new rule is everyday at 11:30 I have to text him. I can text him whatever I want, but it has to be a text at 11:30. This can be very challenging since I drive for a living. But, I have set my alarm on my phone for 11:25 (so I'm not late) and have only missed once. Actually I didn't miss, I was about 8 mins late...cuz I was driving!! He understood and was happy that I even remembered. Although we have a rule, we still don't have a consequence for breaking the rule. He says he is working on that but it doesn't matter to me. There is no way I want to disappoint him and miss the 11:30 text! So don't think we will need a consequence! HAHA

These new feelings that are taking over are, well.....ummm....they are....uh, kinda like, umm, yea I don't even know. They are sooo strong and so powerful. I know I've said 1,000 times that I love him so much and we are so close....but seriously? This is sooo much more. I crave his touch, his presence, his closeness and yes, his dominance. When we are out with friends or at one of our kids functions I find myself gravitating towards him. Before, we each would kind of do our own thing, talk to people or whatever. Now, I want to constantly hold his hand, hold onto the pocket on his pants, wrap my arm around his, just be near him, touching him. And it seems the more he steps into the Dominant role the more I crave all of this, the more I don't want to disappoint him. I didn't know it was possible to fall in more love (is that even English? lol) and fall deeper. But I feel so connected to him, so different than before.

When I read some of your blogs, some of it just mind boggles me. The feelings and emotions that you talk about, the things that you want to do for him, the things that you are willing to do for him....it blows me away. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anybody for their likes/dislikes....I just never pictured me as THAT submissive. Yes, I want his dominance.... yes, I want him to be in charge.... yes, I want to submit to him.....but I always wanted it on my terms, the way I wanted to do it, when I wanted to do it. But OMG....the more we get into this and the deeper we get.....I GET IT!!!!! I get where you are coming from. I see the light! I understand that need/want/desire to please him, for him to be proud of me.

There is no better feeling in the world than feeling loved, cherished, wanted, cared for, looked after. That is what it feels like when he is being dominant. Yes, he did all those things before...but never like this. I am soooooooo loving this new man of mine and can't wait to see where we go from here. I am excited to see my husband turn into my Dominant right before my eyes. I just hope that I can be THAT submissive!

Subrina <3

Things are changing

I haven't posted in a while. Not because I don't have much to say....I think it's quite the opposite. I have a lot to say but I feel I would be rambling. My thoughts are all over the map right now so I feel like there would be no "flow' to my posts! Like that's gonna stop me!! LOL Let me apologize now!

Dominic and I are still plugging along. We have been reading some blogs together and trying to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. I am still amazed at how difficult this can be at times. I have said before that I had this vision in my head of how it was going to be and how easy I thought it was going to be, but it's just not like that. I will say that we have been getting closer/deeper and we are communicating a lot more. I was just telling him today that if anything has come out of this journey that we are on, it is we communicate so much more and on such a more honest and deeper level.

We were finally able to have sex today (after a little over a week) and it was really intense, for me! I cried again but this time he didn't react like the last time. He just kind of left me to cry for a few minutes and then hugged me. He said he was afraid he hurt me and that's why I was crying. He was confused and was kind of upset and said he didn't like this at all. We finished, got dressed and had some errands to do. I was feeling frustrated because of the way he reacted to me. So, I brought it up!

I was nervous to say anything but I'm glad I did. I learned he was scared that he did something wrong or hurt me. He said that my cry was a different cry, not a passionate cry like the last time. I had no idea, all I know is I couldn't stop it. I tried. I really did, but the tears just kept coming. He didn't know what to do so he kind of just let me cry it out. I told him that I would have liked him to cuddle with me until I was done crying and then we could have continued, talked about it after and all would have been good. Then he said he was sooo confused because when we had our date night, I had said that I liked that he just let me cry and continued with the conversation, he didn't baby me. UGH! Now here I am crying and he thinks that's what I wanted. We talked about it (which I was sooooo grateful for) and worked out what we both wanted to happen the next time this happens.

I also learned today that he is really taking me serious now. He admitted that he thought it was just a fantasy or phase that I was going through (due to 50 Shades!!!) and that it was going to go away. I asked him what made  him change his mind....he said that I keep bringing it up and keep pursuing it. He figured out about a week ago that I was not just going through a phase, that I was serious and that he probably needed to step up his game!

On a completely different note.....I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone of you that we have reached out to, that has given us advice, comments or suggestions. When we started this we were absolutely clueless, we still are, but with the help and input of all of you, you really have helped us make sense of all of this. It amazes me how open and honest (so it seems) that everyone is and so willing to share their stories. But most importantly, nobody judges you in this community! No matter what your likes and dislikes are, how kinky or not kinky you are, everyone is so helpful and accepting. That is soooo rare and I, personally, am so grateful and thankful that all of you are here! So THANK YOU!

Subrina <3