Hi Everyone! I know I haven't been around for a while but I really do miss all of you. I have been occasionally reading your blogs and posts. It's kind of hard to read about this lifestyle right now.
Here's the deal..........
Mr. D and I have been struggling, really struggling. Our relationship is good, we are still in love with each other, that's not going to change. The struggle is the lifestyle. The struggle is living this lifestyle and being happy with it.
My first post was a year ago yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just yesterday but then again it seems like we've been on this journey for years. I really thought that we would be farther along in this journey. I'm not sure exactly where I thought we would be....but I definitely didn't think we would be where we're at.
I am trying to deal with these issues that seem to be popping up. I'm not having much luck, but I am trying. It's amazing how the past will just appear, even after you thought it was dealt with and or buried. But they are never far, they are never buried deep enough.
Mr. D and I went on a date last weekend. We went out to dinner and needed to do some talking. We had been fighting and just having a really hard time. Neither one of us seemed happy and we just needed to deal with it. We needed to take this head on and work it out. Some harsh things needed to be said and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.....but I NEEDED to.
I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I came to him with the suggestion of this lifestyle. He knew I wanted a change in our relationship, something different and he said he was willing to take this journey together. I opened myself up to him, told him what I wanted, was vulnerable as hell and I felt like he was just dismissing how I felt.
We had gone back to the way things used to be, before this journey started. I was unhappy but I told him that I would take him anyway I could get him. If he wanted to go back to the way it was then he needed to let me know. Whatever his decision was, I just needed to know.
He knew me well enough to know that if he decided to go back to the old days....yea I would stay with him, I would love him but I probably wouldn't be happy. He couldn't stand that. He wanted to do whatever he could to make me happy.
On our date he had asked me if I thought I would be happy if we went back to the old days. I answered him truthfully.....I don't know!
He said that in the past 20 years he has loved me deep, hard and passionate. But he doesn't think I loved him the same, in return. He agrees that I loved him, but not deep, hard and passionate. He believes that I loved him and cared about him but was not IN love with him.
I listened to him, thought about what he said. My heart ached, ached for him. I told him I thought he was right. I asked him if he knew that's how I felt then why would he stay. He said because he loved me enough for the both of us and knew that I would fall in love with him. That broke my heart. But again he was right.
I told him that I think I loved him as much as I was capable of. I don't think at the time I could really truly love anyone. But I loved him as much as I could. I told him that I didn't think I was capable of loving him like he deserved and that I didn't feel like I deserved his love. He said I can and do love him......and yes I did deserve his love.
These issues and of course my mother issues, are preventing me from taking this journey. I can't get past these. I can't get HER out of my head. I can't get rid of her......she is always there. This makes me sabotage things when they are good.
As soon as Mr. D starts acting like the HOH/Dom/Sir I challenge him. I push him to see if he's really in this. I push him to see if he's going to back down. He said he knew when I brought this to him in the beginning that it was going to cause problems for us.
"Where's the happiness in this? When will we be happy taking this journey? We are always fighting and you're always crying. Instead of having fun when we go out, we are talking about this, AGAIN. Please tell me, where is the happiness in this?"
We stayed and talked for about an hour. We left the restaurant and walked around the courtyard outside, still talking. He brought up some of my issues from the past. I cried most of the evening but I felt like we were getting somewhere.
We kept getting interrupted by other people, so we walked over to a bench that was kind of away from everything and everyone.
We sat down and started talking some more. All of a sudden I saw it. I saw the transformation happening right in front of my face. It was strange...I had never seen it before.
He was so calm.
He was so at ease.
He was so in control.
He was the HOH!
I had never seen him act like this before. In 20 years, I never saw him so in control. It was amazing. His mannerisms, his face, his body language......calm, cool and collected. He said everything that I needed to hear. Everything that needed to be said. He didn't baby me, he didn't cater to me. He dug deep. It was painful.
The entire time I was sitting on that bench, watching this transformation in front of me.....I was so at peace. I was crying....sometimes sobbing, sometimes speaking barley above a whisper. But I was ............. calm.
I'm not sure I can even describe what I was feeling
I just felt peaceful
Like I could just let go
Let go of everything
Give myself to him
Trust him that he would and could take care of me
I felt free
I think in that moment, sitting there on that bench.....I truly loved him with my whole heart. With no reservations.
Thanks to a blogger friend and her advice, comments and suggestions, we are working to try and walk this path. We both want this. Neither of us wants to go back to the past. So we've dug our feet in and are going to fight. We're going to fight for us.
It's only been a little over a week since our talk. But I know for me I feel different. I feel like I can trust him a little more. I feel that I can give a little more of myself to him. I am looking forward to the day when I can give all of myself to him.......freely!
Thank you Mr. D for loving me deep, hard and passionate!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Something More........
If you're reading this post you must have made it through my last post.............bless you!
So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH
So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.
Until.........I started thinking!
And talking!
And emailing!
Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!
Come on Subrina....show us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!
This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.
I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe? Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.
I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?
You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.
But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.
In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.
"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"
"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"
"I'm not sure that's true"
"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."
"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"
We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!
During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.
She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.
But I should have never been told things she told me.
"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.
I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My excuse.....it wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.
Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept me....how am I going to let him?
Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.
When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.
Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.
I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.
Subrina <3
So where was I........oh yea issues, the past! UGH
So the past is rearing it's ugly head and I wasn't even aware of it.
Until.........I started thinking!
And talking!
And emailing!
Now.....they are staring me right in the face and calling me out!
Come on Subrina....show us what you got! Show us that we own you! Show us that this is really you!
This is why I don't like to talk. This is why I don't like to bring things up. I usually hurt feelings when I talk. It always leads to another issue and another issue and next thing I know these walls that I have worked so hard to build, the ones that are protecting me............ start crumbling.
I need these walls. They hide me. They protect me. They let me be in control. They let me be strong. What am I gonna do if I don't have these walls? How am I gonna hide and feel safe? Nobody is going to guard me like I do. Nobody is going to stand watch if I don't have these walls there to protect me.
I know what you're thinking...but isn't that what Mr. D is for? Isn't that the whole purpose of TTWD, is to give yourself to your HOH or Dom to protect you, to love you? But how do you give yourself for someone to love when you don't love yourself? How is he going to protect you when you don't feel worthy enough to protect? How is he going to guide you when you don't feel worthy enough to be guided?
You would think after almost 20 years together that I would be able to give my everything to him. That I would be able to let him love me unconditionally. That I would be able to trust him enough to protect me when my walls crumble. You would think. He obviously has proven that he loves me and can take care of me.
But I can't! Even after 20 years I still can't. It's so fucked up! He doesn't deserve to be treated like I treat him. He is so good to me, I can't even begin to tell you. I am his princess, I am his everything, I am his next breath. He puts me first before anything and everything...even the kids. So why can't I do the same in return? It's not because I don't love him. It's not because I don't want to be with him. It's not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.
In emailing my friend, thinking and talking to Mr. D I have discovered some things about me that aren't pretty. Things that I thought I dealt with and were in the past. Things that shouldn't be, but they so are. My initial reaction is to hurry and build more walls. That is so much easier than this bullshit. It's so much easier than feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Mr. D called me at work and we talked and we talked and we talked. We talked for about an hour and half. I cried for most of it. I crushed him with things I said. I told him I was bored. Yea I know....I can't believe I said it. But that's how I was feeling. Well at least that's what I thought I was feeling. He was crushed.
"Maybe after 20 years I'm not what you need or want"
"Maybe I want more but that never changes with who"
"I'm not sure that's true"
"Don't look at it negatively. It's like a salad, when you make a salad you put all the ingredients in it that you like. Lettuce, olives, onions, broccoli, cheese, you get the picture."
"What if I have nothing else to put in the salad? Then what happens? Maybe this is all I have to give"
We continued to talk and I brought up my weight. This is a very difficult subject for me. I know most of us women don't like our weight or are not comfortable with our weight. For me it's almost an obsession. I also think this is where a lot of other issues come from. I HATE me! Well the outside me. I hate who I have let myself become and am so self conscious about it that it almost consumes me. Of course he said that he loves me no matter what. But if I'm not comfortable with me or am able to love me how the hell can I let him? I can't!
During our conversation I told him probably a bigger issue than even my weight...if that's even possible. This issue I thought I had dealt with and buried in the past.....where it belongs. I even got a tattoo in honor of my journey and breaking free. But I should have known that this issue wouldn't stay buried for long. This issue is My mother! She is always in my head. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years and have no intentions of speaking to her. But dammit if she doesn't speak to me.
She wasn't really that bad. I mean I wanted and needed for nothing growing up. I am an only child and she was a single mom. I always thought I had such a great childhood until I went to therapy and discovered that she wasn't a good mom. She shouldn't have treated me like she did. It's not ok for how she treated me. But I always thought that I had it good. I had food, nice clothes, a nice house and pretty much got anything I wanted.
But I should have never been told things she told me.
"You never finish anything"
"You're a thorn in my side"
"Why do you always pick losers"
"You don't ever do anything right"
"You little bitch. You're a whore" when she found out I was pregnant at 18
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Now as an adult when I accomplish things I always make excuses WHY I was able to accomplish them. I have a school bus certificate. I trained in the classroom for 6 weeks (40 hours a week), 25 hours training behind the wheel, 5 DMV tests and 3 Highway Patrol tests...passed all them the first time. My excuse....well it's not rocket science. I didn't discover penicillin.
I taught myself how to use a few computer programs and created things for people. My excuse.....it wasn't hard, anyone could have done it. It's not difficult. I never give myself any credit for anything that I do. When I accomplish something I always hear her in my head telling me it's no big deal. You didn't do anything special.
Mr. D comes along and is so good to me, always telling me how great I am, how smart I am. Of course I don't believe him. He HAS to tell me those things, he's my husband. I can't love me or accept me....how am I going to let him?
Right now I don't think I'm capable of doing TTWD. I don't think I am or can be in the right mindset to submissive. I can't give all of me to him until I feel worthy enough. Right now I don't. I don't feel I deserve his love or believe his love. How can he love me? I'm not good enough to love. I know he does love me with everything he has....but I don't feel I deserve it.
When we started out on this TTWD journey I essentially set us up for failure. Not realizing it at the time, but now I see that. With where I am, the issues I have and the walls I have built, there is no way that we can successfully have a TTWD relationship.
Does that mean we're going to stop? No. Does that mean we are going to take a break from us? Hell No. But we are going to take things slow. I need to work on me. I need to learn to love me and accept me. And until I do that I can't give my everything to him. All along I thought it was him that wasn't capable of being the HOH or the Dom. I thought I didn't trust him to do this. It was him that couldn't love me, take care of me, guide me, protect me. But it IS him, I just need to let him.
I know this isn't going to be easy. But I have him by my side. I can't wait till the day I can confidently and without a doubt let him love me, protect me and be the guard of me instead of these walls. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know this is a journey but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him with everything I have. Hopefully one day I will be able to love him like he deserves. Hopefully one day I will be able to let him love me.
Subrina <3
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Something.....
I know I have been absent for a while. I haven't been reading any blogs nor I have I been blogging. I'm kind of in a weird place right now and not sure where to go from here. But before I get into this post can I just say that I really miss all of you. I miss seeing how your all doing, how your TTWD is going. I miss "talking" to you.
I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!
Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am) and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.
Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD. We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling programming.......kids went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.
Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!
He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.
I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?
I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me wrong....my love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.
In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!
Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?
My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.
Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?
Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.
I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.
We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they were....in our face and needed to be dealt with.
My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?
I just hope we can get past this....................together!
Subrina <3
P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!
I'm not sure where to begin or what to even say. I'm just kind of writing and hoping the words flow out of me. I know all of you have been there so you can relate to how difficult it can be. I have all of these things going on in my head and I'm just trying to get them out. I might have to do this in 2 different posts...maybe 3! If you chose to continue to read on please bare with me. You might want to get a cup of coffee!
Back in the middle of December my schedule changed dramatically, so did our life schedules. I worked kind of a grave yard shift (2:00am-11:00am) and Mr. D was off work for almost 2 weeks. I went to work, came home went to bed, got up a few hours before I had to leave for work and then did it all over again. Needless to say things were not "normal" in our house.
Mr. D kind of took a vacay during this time along with TTWD. We didn't really seem to be practicing it. Rules that were in place were not followed or enforced. We just chocked it up to the schedule change. After the new year we went back to regularly scheduling programming.......kids went back to school, I went back to my regular schedule and he went back to work as well.
Things didn't change! We just never seemed to pick up TTWD and it seemed like we were falling deeper into past practice. I can't blame him entirely. As much as he wasn't being an HOH or Dom, I surly was not being submissive at all. I had made a few comments, somewhat joking, about Mr. D being "checking out". But we all know that behind every joking comment there is some truth! I see you nodding your head!!
He tried to change things after my comments but I just felt like he wasn't doing it because he wanted to. I felt like he was doing it when it was convenient for him. I felt like he was doing it because he knew I wasn't happy. Those are all the wrong reasons. It has to be all or nothing. Either way...he needed to pick.
I started thinking about our relationship, where we've been, how far we've come, where we're headed and what I want and or/need. Of course I internalized everything and tried to deal with it myself. Yea I know....bad idea! All it did was make me withdraw and get bitchy. He started hounding me about what was wrong. Of course I just kept telling him "nothing". I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was feeling. What the hell was I supposed to tell him?
I emailed a blog friend for some advice because I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't even sure what it was I was feeling. But I knew that it wasn't right. I was not feeling happy or content. Don't get me wrong....my love for him has NEVER changed but I wanted something....something more? Something different? I didn't know. I just wanted something.
In my email I told her that I was bored. I wanted some excitement or spontaneity in my life. I want something different....I feel like I want something to "happen" in my life. I told her that I think that's where this whole journey started. Like many women I read 50 shades and was intrigued with the Alpha male. I did some research and took it to my husband. If you follow my blog you know the rest so I wont bore you with it. And to be honest if you're still with me....thank you!
Anyway....It has been almost a year and I find myself in the same boat. I am feeling just like I did a year ago before we started this journey. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I'm not complete. How can I feel like this when this past year has been an amazing year and the best year for us in our relationship. We have never been closer or more connected. So what the hell is the problem?
My friend (thank God for you, truly) quickly emailed me back and said YOU ARE NOT BORED! You just need more. But he is trying and you keep fighting him. He gives you things to do (taking off the shirt) and you fight him on it. How is he supposed to lead when you won't allow him. If you have to be forced then it's not going to work. Submission is something that you WANT to do for him, to please him. If he is MAKING you do it then it is a losing battle.
Hmmm....why did I email her again? Oh yea because she's honest, she's blunt and gives great advice. I couldn't ask for anything more. UGH Is it really supposed to be this damn hard? Is this something I am even capable of doing?
Mr. D and I had been fighting for a couple of days, he would ask what's wrong, I would tell him nothing. Over and over and over......for 3 days! He said we were going out to dinner on Friday and we were going to talk. EEEEEEKKKK Finally enough was enough, he was done asking and wanted some answers. He didn't feel he deserved to be treated like this, so cold and mean.
I was at work and didn't really have time to talk. Nor did I want to talk. I still didn't know what the hell I was going to say. I still didn't know how or what I was feeling. He didn't care. I finally had some time at work to talk. I text him and asked if he wanted to talk or just wait until we went to dinner tomorrow night. He called me.
We talked for about an hour and half. We discovered that there are things going on that we didn't even know were going on. I had some issues that were rearing there ugly head and coming out. Neither one of us realized it. But now here they were....in our face and needed to be dealt with.
My issues aren't really with him at all. Well I mean they kind of are but not directly. Did you know that your past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it to? It will show its face even when you thought it was buried and/or dealt with?
I just hope we can get past this....................together!
Subrina <3
P.S. I will finish this in my next post. I'm exhausted!
Friday, December 13, 2013
Vaginal vs Clitoral Orgasm
If you have been following my blog at all, especially the last few days then you know that I have a couple of issues that I am dealing with. One of the issues is not being able to cum just by fucking. I need clit stimulation to have an orgasm. That's the way it has always been. I think I have used a vibe for so long that it is a little desensitized. I don't know....I could be wrong.
Last night Mr. D wanted to try again. OK, who am I to argue. Of course I was a good little girl and went along. It was similar to the other night but way more intense. I was so overwhelmed by the end I was in tears. You know the tears I'm talking about. The tears that just start flowing, you're not really sure why. It's not because you're sad or mad. What just happened was so intense and overwhelming the only thing left to do is cry.
Mr. D was amazing. He really tried to make me cum without using a vibe. He was in full blown Dom mode and was doing things that had me crawling across the bed. There were a few times, maybe several times that I was beyond teetering on the edge but never jumped off.
I'm driving to work this morning thinking about the last few days, especially last night. I had this thought in my head and wondered if it's possible or am I completely nuts. Here's where my brain went....
Just bare with me, I'm going to try and get this out and make as much sense as possible. Is it possible that I did cum and just didn't know it or realize it? There were probably 3 different times that I could hardly keep see straight. They were very specific moments and had me feeling .....I don't know.....different! Good....but different.
Here's how my crazy thoughts came up with this. I am used to having an orgasm with my vibrator. I don't think ever in my life have I had an orgasm just by fucking. Is there a difference when you cum with a vibe as it is when you fuck? I mean, when I cum with the vibe I get this warm wave over my entire body, I get a tingle in my body and then it happens. I want to scream and yell and sometimes my body shakes. But is it different when you cum just by fucking?
Is there a difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm? Click on the link below to find out!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/difference-between-clitoral-and-vaginal-orgasm
How do you know if you have had an orgasm?? Click on the link below to find the answer!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/am-i-having-orgasm
If you read the information in the links, which by the way was very interesting, you will see that I'm not completely nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong....I definitely would fit in at a nut house. But this does make me feel better knowing that not everyone can have an orgasm just by fucking!
Last night Mr. D wanted to try again. OK, who am I to argue. Of course I was a good little girl and went along. It was similar to the other night but way more intense. I was so overwhelmed by the end I was in tears. You know the tears I'm talking about. The tears that just start flowing, you're not really sure why. It's not because you're sad or mad. What just happened was so intense and overwhelming the only thing left to do is cry.
Mr. D was amazing. He really tried to make me cum without using a vibe. He was in full blown Dom mode and was doing things that had me crawling across the bed. There were a few times, maybe several times that I was beyond teetering on the edge but never jumped off.
I'm driving to work this morning thinking about the last few days, especially last night. I had this thought in my head and wondered if it's possible or am I completely nuts. Here's where my brain went....
Just bare with me, I'm going to try and get this out and make as much sense as possible. Is it possible that I did cum and just didn't know it or realize it? There were probably 3 different times that I could hardly keep see straight. They were very specific moments and had me feeling .....I don't know.....different! Good....but different.
Here's how my crazy thoughts came up with this. I am used to having an orgasm with my vibrator. I don't think ever in my life have I had an orgasm just by fucking. Is there a difference when you cum with a vibe as it is when you fuck? I mean, when I cum with the vibe I get this warm wave over my entire body, I get a tingle in my body and then it happens. I want to scream and yell and sometimes my body shakes. But is it different when you cum just by fucking?
Is there a difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm? Click on the link below to find out!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/difference-between-clitoral-and-vaginal-orgasm
How do you know if you have had an orgasm?? Click on the link below to find the answer!
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/am-i-having-orgasm
If you read the information in the links, which by the way was very interesting, you will see that I'm not completely nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong....I definitely would fit in at a nut house. But this does make me feel better knowing that not everyone can have an orgasm just by fucking!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Don't Think, Just Feel
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.
"OK, then let's talk about it"
One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!
"So, what's bothering you?"
"I don't like taking my shirt off"
"I know"
WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?
I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.
"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."
I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.
"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"
Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."
In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.
"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"
How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!
"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"
"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."
"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"
How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.
He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.
I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.
"I'm going to teach you how to just feel....no thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"
Mr. D,
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.
Subrina <3
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
We were sitting at the kitchen table when he brought up last night and asked me if everything was ok. I thanked him and told him that last night was amazing. He knew there was more to it, he could see it on my face. He asked if there was anything that was bothering me. I said kind of.
"OK, then let's talk about it"
One of my issues is talking to him!! LOL I have a really hard time telling him what I think or how I feel, well at least face to face. I am a pro in email and text. But when it comes to face time....I get really shy and embarrassed. People that know me would never believe that I would ever be shy! But Mr. D does that to me!
"So, what's bothering you?"
"I don't like taking my shirt off"
"I know"
WTF? What do you mean you know? Seriously? UGH Then why would you ask me to do it if you know I don't like it?
I am very self conscious. I am over weight and just don't feel sexy because of it. I am extremely uncomfortable being naked in front of him. I also don't like to have sex with the light on! I know I know, we have been together for almost 19 years, I should be very comfortable and have no issues with this. But I do.
"Why did you ask? Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Because I love feeling your skin on mine. I love wrapping my arms around you and feeling every inch of your body against mine."
I really hated doing it but I wasn't going to 1) tell him no and 2) I so didn't want to disappoint him. If that's what he wanted then I would suck it up and do it......for him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable after I did it. I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying the feeling of his body on mine. But like the amazing man he is, he wrapped me up in his big strong arms and loved me. It wasn't so bad, especially after he started fingering me.
"From now on, when we have sex I want you to be completely naked"
Deer in the headlights!I looked up at him with a shocked look on my face and big alligator tears in my eyes. I hung my head, shook my head no and the tears started to fall. I felt panicked. It was hard enough to do it that time, now he wants it every time? UGH He just sat there calmly and waited for me to look up at him. He had a reassuring grin on his face, a look that said "you'll be ok" and nodded his head yes.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes you do. I love you, I love your body and I want to feel it. You need to get over that self image issue, and I'm going to teach you."
In that moment, sitting there with tears falling down my face, listening to what he was saying....I felt a little more at ease, I said a little! I know it's easier to feel that way when you don't have to actually do what you don't want to do. But I'm hoping that next time we have sex and he asks me to take my shirt off I will do it without hesitation. I can't promise anything but I really do want to be comfortable with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I just do it without thinking.
"Are you ok, is there anything else bothering you?"
How does he know? How does he know there is something else that is bothering me? Did I write it on my forehead with a sharpie? No...but somehow he knows there's more. He knows something else is bothering me. If I would have thought about it at all I would have realized, of course he knows...he was there last night, he knew I was struggling.....DUH!
"I am struggling with not being able to orgasm without clit simulation (cs)"
"I know you were having a hard time, but you'll get there. You need to learn to relax. Turn your brain off and just feel everything. Don't think."
"How do I do that? I can't. I tried, I really did. I wanted to do it for you...but I just couldn't let go"
How the hell do I just feel? How do I let go and just relax? I have no clue. I don't even know where to start or how to start.
He said that he really wanted me to cum just by fucking me. He has tried before but it never happens. I don't think I have ever had an orgasm without CS. It can be frustrating. It's not that it doesn't feel good or that I am not enjoying it. But my brain never shuts off. I'm not sure what I'm thinking while its going on....but I can't relax enough and just feel.
I felt like such a failure and that I disappointed him. He didn't think so, but I did. I mean really, how hard should it be to cum that way? It shouldn't be difficult at all. It feels good....OMG does it feel good. But I just feel like there is this force or this wall that is not allowing me to let go. I'm not even sure what it is or why it's up. But this wall needs to come down.
"I'm going to teach you how to just feel....no thinking. Have some patience, you'll get there"
Mr. D,
I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing man like you but I am thankful everyday that you picked me. I know I am a handful but there is nobody else in the world that can handle me the way you do.Thank you for putting up with me. I love you more than I show.
Subrina <3
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I Can't
The door is locked.
The lights are off.
The toy box is open.
He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.
I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.
We are like teenagers making out.
"Get your clothes off"
I take off my panties.
"Get your shirt off"
Shit just got real!
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"
He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.
"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"
He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.
Then he slides a finger in me.
He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside. Over and over.
He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".
He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.
The lights are off.
The toy box is open.
That familiar pull is in the air.
He gets into bed and tells me to come lay on his chest. He starts rubbing my body, kissing me.
I return the affection. Kissing his neck, his ears, his lips, his face. My hands are everywhere they can reach.
We are like teenagers making out.
"Get your clothes off"
I take off my panties.
"Get your shirt off"
Shit just got real!
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, get it off, now. I want to feel your body against mine"
I do as I'm told.
He wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He kisses me. He rubs me. He has that deep sexy low growl that I love.
"Gawd I love the feel of your naked body against mine"
He is all over me, rubbing me, feeling me, teasing me. He can't get enough.
Then he slides a finger in me.
He fingers me hard, takes his finger out and rubs my clit, then sliding his fingers back inside. Over and over.
I am lost in him. Our bodies becoming tangled in heat and passion.
He gets off the bed and goes over to the "toy box".
He comes back and slides his fingers inside again, over and over.
Then I feel it, he slides a dildo in my pussy. He slides it in slow and deep. He is pushing me to the edge.
"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"
He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again
"I want you to cum"
"You like it, don't you? You like being fucked, don't you slut?"
He continues to fuck me with the dildo. Slow, deep, hard, fast. Again and again
"I want you to cum"
I want to. I can feel my body building up to it. I'm right on the edge. Waiting and wanting to be pushed over.
"I can't. I can't"
"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"
I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.
I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.
"I can't. I can't"
He gets the plug-in-vibe out.
I hear it.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz
He puts in on my clit.
It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.
He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.
When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
To be continued.............
"I can't. I can't"
"Yes you can, let go, release. Feel it, it feels good"
I'm teetering on the edge. I can feel it. That moment when you feel the tingle in your body, that wave of sensation right before you let go.
I'm hanging on the edge, begging to be pushed. Wanting and needing to be pushed.
"I can't. I can't"
He gets the plug-in-vibe out.
I hear it.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz
He puts in on my clit.
It only takes a minute before I am pushed over that edge I have been teetering on, that edge that I wanted to jump from a few minutes ago.
He slides is cock in me and takes what is his.
When he is finished he wraps me in his arms and rubs my head and tells me how much he loves me. He tells me that he loves feeling my body against his.
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I couldn't cum"
"Don't be sorry, you need to learn to relax, you need to let go and just feel, don't think"
"I love you Mr, D"
"I love you too, now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow"
To be continued.............
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Hmmmmm That's New
I haven't written in a while. I have been having a hard time lately. OK wait, who am I kidding, I have been having a hard time from the gate! I think I have this submissive thing figured out, even just a little and then I realize I have no clue! UGH
It's the same ol same ol. I don't think he's being very "dommy" and then I feel like I can't be submissive if he's not doing his part. It's a vicious cycle. I have been talking to a fellow blogger and she has given me such great advice. (Thank you so much I don't know what I would do without you!) Do I always listen....of course not. I think I know everything and can figure it out on my own. HAHAHAHA What a joke!
You need to work on your submission and stop worrying what he's doing. You need to learn that submission is not about what you want when you want it.....it's what you need when you need it. And that my friend is up to him. You think he's not being "dommy"....open your eyes and pay attention. He is, your just not seeing it. You want everything right now, on your time.
A couple of nights ago Mr. D wanted me to suck his cock and it was going to be just for him. I was only to please him. (I know, we've been here before) OK, I have no problem with this. I really don't. But I fought him. I didn't want to do it. I was tired and it was kind of late, I just wanted to go to sleep. I pleaded my case but he was having none of it. UGH whatever! I finally did what he asked and when I was done (well, he was done!) I had this strange feeling. This strange feeling of peace. I felt so at ease, so happy that I had pleased him. And I didn't want anything in return. Hmmm that's new!
Later we talked about it and he said that I'm very selfish. I always want things my way, when I want them and how I want them. (Well, DUH! I'm an only child and the oldest grandchild) He said I need to learn to be more giving and do things to please him just for the sake of pleasing him. Not trying to get something out of it. OK wait....is he acting "dommy"? Is he telling me something that I don't want to hear? Is he telling me something that might hurt my feelings? Is he taking control and trying to teach me? Hmmmm that's new!
Here I am thinking that he doesn't act like a Dom or HOH. He doesn't really want to do this, he's just doing it because I want him to. He only does it for a little while when I have brought it up. And then he goes and does something like this. Hmmm that's new!
I guess I just need to pay more attention!
Subrina <3
It's the same ol same ol. I don't think he's being very "dommy" and then I feel like I can't be submissive if he's not doing his part. It's a vicious cycle. I have been talking to a fellow blogger and she has given me such great advice. (Thank you so much I don't know what I would do without you!) Do I always listen....of course not. I think I know everything and can figure it out on my own. HAHAHAHA What a joke!
You need to work on your submission and stop worrying what he's doing. You need to learn that submission is not about what you want when you want it.....it's what you need when you need it. And that my friend is up to him. You think he's not being "dommy"....open your eyes and pay attention. He is, your just not seeing it. You want everything right now, on your time.
A couple of nights ago Mr. D wanted me to suck his cock and it was going to be just for him. I was only to please him. (I know, we've been here before) OK, I have no problem with this. I really don't. But I fought him. I didn't want to do it. I was tired and it was kind of late, I just wanted to go to sleep. I pleaded my case but he was having none of it. UGH whatever! I finally did what he asked and when I was done (well, he was done!) I had this strange feeling. This strange feeling of peace. I felt so at ease, so happy that I had pleased him. And I didn't want anything in return. Hmmm that's new!
Later we talked about it and he said that I'm very selfish. I always want things my way, when I want them and how I want them. (Well, DUH! I'm an only child and the oldest grandchild) He said I need to learn to be more giving and do things to please him just for the sake of pleasing him. Not trying to get something out of it. OK wait....is he acting "dommy"? Is he telling me something that I don't want to hear? Is he telling me something that might hurt my feelings? Is he taking control and trying to teach me? Hmmmm that's new!
Here I am thinking that he doesn't act like a Dom or HOH. He doesn't really want to do this, he's just doing it because I want him to. He only does it for a little while when I have brought it up. And then he goes and does something like this. Hmmm that's new!
I guess I just need to pay more attention!
Subrina <3
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends. I hope you all enjoy the day with family and friends. I have so much to be thankful for. My family is healthy and happy. We all get to spend the day together. And I have all of you that give me so much support.
I hope after all of the food is eaten, the desserts are done and everyone is safe and sound at home, you find the key to your lock! Then you will have something else to be thankful for!
If you do not celebrate this day......please stop reading this and unlock the lock already!!!
Dominic and Subrina <3
I hope after all of the food is eaten, the desserts are done and everyone is safe and sound at home, you find the key to your lock! Then you will have something else to be thankful for!
If you do not celebrate this day......please stop reading this and unlock the lock already!!!
Dominic and Subrina <3
Friday, November 22, 2013
Happy Birthday
Today is Mr. D's birthday. He loves his birthdays, just as if it were Christmas. His mom has always made a big deal about all of their birthdays. I, on the other hand was not raised like that. My birthday was really just another day. I mean she did buy me presents but that was about it. It was not a big hoopla.
I have a hard time making a big deal when it's his birthday. I know it's not fair to him, especially because he loves this day. Tonight we are all going out to dinner. Him and I, our 3 boys, the girlfriends and his mom. He is picking the restaurant, which happens to be my favorite, so I'm excited. I'm sure we will have a great time. We are a really close family and usually have fun when we hang out! I will give him his present later tonight.......
Mr. D.........I want to wish you a very happy birthday. I am so glad that you picked me to share your life with. You are my life, my world, the air that I breathe and I'm so excited to share many more birthdays with you.
I Love You
Happy Birthday My Love!
Subrina <3
I have a hard time making a big deal when it's his birthday. I know it's not fair to him, especially because he loves this day. Tonight we are all going out to dinner. Him and I, our 3 boys, the girlfriends and his mom. He is picking the restaurant, which happens to be my favorite, so I'm excited. I'm sure we will have a great time. We are a really close family and usually have fun when we hang out! I will give him his present later tonight.......
Mr. D.........I want to wish you a very happy birthday. I am so glad that you picked me to share your life with. You are my life, my world, the air that I breathe and I'm so excited to share many more birthdays with you.
I Love You
Happy Birthday My Love!
Subrina <3
Monday, November 18, 2013
I Trust Him
I don't know where to begin. I am feeling weird. I have been feeling like this for a couple of days. I can't explain what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm not feeling like I normally do.
This past weekend Mr. D and I went to our middle sons band competition. At these comps we have quite a bit of time to ourselves, as long as our little one doesn't go with us. Mr. D and I got into an argument on the way to the comp....it was about an hour drive. He ALWAYS complains about this but He was bitching about my driving and I kind of snapped at him. I felt he was attacking me. If I can make up an excuse.....I think Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I get very emotional.
We get to the comp not really speaking to each other. My feelings are hurt and I'm mad. He's mad because I yelled at him. We are cordial to each other during the comp....about 3+ hours. We are walking back to the car and he says "hey" and he wants me to stop. We are standing on the corner.
"I want to apologize to you. I wasn't complaining but you worry me."
I just stared at him. I never said a word, I just looked up at him and listened. He went on to tell me that he worries about me. I take a lot of chances and drive a little crazy. I finally spoke and told him that I drive no different than I always have. For some reason he now is scared.
We didn't really resolve anything but I did appreciate him apologizing. We drove home, he slept and I had my own little concert in the car! We got home really late. We both got undressed and knocked out.
On Sunday I slept almost the whole day. I'm not sure if I slept because I was feeling kind of sad, mad, upset, depressed or because I think that stupid bitch is coming for a visit! Either way, he pretty much left me alone and let me do my thing. I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. That's when you know there is something wrong!!
He's been bugging me as to what is wrong. I have a hard time telling him when I'm not even sure myself. What do I say? Today we talked and he admitted some pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure he wants me to share but the role reversals and changes have really made an impact.
It seems the more control I give up, the more he takes. (isn't that what's supposed to happen) Which is what I wanted. But I think it has him a little nervous. He is so used to living "wherever the day takes me". Now he is taking responsibility for things, he is making decisions and it scares the hell out him. I think he is feeling vulnerable and not sure what to do with that.
On the other side of it.....the more he takes control, the more I give up. When we were talking today I realized that I am acting different. I am acting like "wherever the day takes me" and he is the one in control, he's safe, he's conservative, he's somewhat calculated. I, on the other hand, am living a little more on the edge, a little more wild, a little more free. And it's scaring the hell out of me (and him too!)
The shift in our relationship is very noticeable. Well, I think it is! I feel like I can give up more control because I know he is going to be there to keep me safe, to protect me, to make sure everything is ok. I trust him. WOW....did I just say that out loud? Holy shit! I. trust. him! I. TRUST. him! I trust HIM! OMG that feels so amazing to say and believe it! I really do trust him!
In the past, I didn't feel that. I didn't trust him. I wasn't able to let go and live. I wasn't able to feel secure enough to let go. Now, I feel like I can do that. Now I feel like I can be wild and free and .......still feel safe!
oh my gawd...............
I
TRUST
HIM
Subrina <3
This past weekend Mr. D and I went to our middle sons band competition. At these comps we have quite a bit of time to ourselves, as long as our little one doesn't go with us. Mr. D and I got into an argument on the way to the comp....it was about an hour drive. He ALWAYS complains about this but He was bitching about my driving and I kind of snapped at him. I felt he was attacking me. If I can make up an excuse.....I think Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I get very emotional.
We get to the comp not really speaking to each other. My feelings are hurt and I'm mad. He's mad because I yelled at him. We are cordial to each other during the comp....about 3+ hours. We are walking back to the car and he says "hey" and he wants me to stop. We are standing on the corner.
"I want to apologize to you. I wasn't complaining but you worry me."
I just stared at him. I never said a word, I just looked up at him and listened. He went on to tell me that he worries about me. I take a lot of chances and drive a little crazy. I finally spoke and told him that I drive no different than I always have. For some reason he now is scared.
We didn't really resolve anything but I did appreciate him apologizing. We drove home, he slept and I had my own little concert in the car! We got home really late. We both got undressed and knocked out.
On Sunday I slept almost the whole day. I'm not sure if I slept because I was feeling kind of sad, mad, upset, depressed or because I think that stupid bitch is coming for a visit! Either way, he pretty much left me alone and let me do my thing. I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. That's when you know there is something wrong!!
He's been bugging me as to what is wrong. I have a hard time telling him when I'm not even sure myself. What do I say? Today we talked and he admitted some pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure he wants me to share but the role reversals and changes have really made an impact.
It seems the more control I give up, the more he takes. (isn't that what's supposed to happen) Which is what I wanted. But I think it has him a little nervous. He is so used to living "wherever the day takes me". Now he is taking responsibility for things, he is making decisions and it scares the hell out him. I think he is feeling vulnerable and not sure what to do with that.
On the other side of it.....the more he takes control, the more I give up. When we were talking today I realized that I am acting different. I am acting like "wherever the day takes me" and he is the one in control, he's safe, he's conservative, he's somewhat calculated. I, on the other hand, am living a little more on the edge, a little more wild, a little more free. And it's scaring the hell out of me (and him too!)
The shift in our relationship is very noticeable. Well, I think it is! I feel like I can give up more control because I know he is going to be there to keep me safe, to protect me, to make sure everything is ok. I trust him. WOW....did I just say that out loud? Holy shit! I. trust. him! I. TRUST. him! I trust HIM! OMG that feels so amazing to say and believe it! I really do trust him!
In the past, I didn't feel that. I didn't trust him. I wasn't able to let go and live. I wasn't able to feel secure enough to let go. Now, I feel like I can do that. Now I feel like I can be wild and free and .......still feel safe!
oh my gawd...............
I
TRUST
HIM
Subrina <3
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