Changes

 

Since we started this lifestyle i have noticed changes. Changes in us. Sometimes the changes are so subtle i wonder if we have changed at all. Other times the changes are so blatant it smacks you right in the face.

 

TTWD changes your relationship or dynamic. It brings a deeper connection to him. It makes you look deep inside yourself. It makes you realize who you are, good or bad (I will get back to this....stay with me) and what makes you tick.

 

Mr. D has really put in an effort to be the Sir i want him to be. Whatever that is....im not even sure myself. We have many years of relationship habits that we are trying to change. Its not always easy. But he does it. Everything i have asked of him so far, he has either tried, has made the changes or is trying to change. i may not get what i want when i want it....but i do get it......eventually!

 

 

 

Last night he decided he was going to pull out his Dom-HOH card. He said that i was going to suck his dick.

 

Ok sure...no problem! i love pleasing him!

 

Now you all know that when you suck his dick, it not only gets him hot, but it does something to you too. The more i can make him growl, the more i can make him grab my hair and move me where he wants me, the more i can make his toes curl.....the wetter i get.

 

Right ladies? Who's with me?

 

I suck his dick until he cums. He goes to the bathroom to clean up. He climbs back in bed, gives me a kiss and says "good girl". I know you will all understand this....those two little words will make you weak in the knees. Isn't that what we live for....those two little words with a big meaning?

OK YAY...now my turn!

He turns on the tv and starts watching it.

 

WHOA! WHOA! Wait.....what's going on? Hello? Over here....wet......happy.....ready.......good girl......remember?

 

And ladies and gentleman here lies the problem.

 

Submission isn't about me. It isn't about what I want. It isn't about when I want it. It isn't about what he can do for me. But yet, here I am being as selfish as possibly can be. I follow another blog and she has posted that she isn't allowed to use I or me. At first I didn't understand, I just read her blog and gave support when I could. But now.....I get it! I totally get why that is her rule. This journey is not all about me. (I hope I can remember this when I'm acting bratty)

 

I talked to him this morning while I was at work. I told him I was mad when I went to bed last night. He chuckled and asked why. I knew he knew why I was mad. I said it was because I missed a show I wanted to watch. He knew that was a lie...I don't watch tv. He said he knew why I was mad, but last night was about him and for him.

 

I didn't say anything else about it. But all day at work I thought about it. I thought how selfish I was. How selfish I acted. Why couldn't I just do something for him? Not want anything in return. Why did I have to get something in return? Wasn't it enough to just please him? Why am I so selfish?

I am an only child. I am the oldest grandchild by 4 years. I have always had things handed to me and done for me. During our entire marriage Mr. D continued that pattern. He has always been so good to me and treated me like a princess. I am used to getting my way. I am used to him giving in to me.

Last night he didn't. I was mad. But more than being mad at him I had so much respect for him and I was so proud of him. My va jay jay wasn't to happy but my heart was beyond ecstatic. He told me that he really wanted to give in to me, he knew I was wet and wanting. But he needed to show his dominance. He needed to show change.

 

 

 Subrina <3

Love Our Lurkers

Happy LOL Day!!

I started this as many of you have. I would read the blogs but never comment. Then one day I decided to come out from the shadows and comment. I was scared and nervous. What if they didn't accept me? what if they judged me? What if my family and real life friends found out?

What if?

I finally decided to post a comment and I'm so glad I did. This community is so accepting, so embracing and they never judge anyone.

I have made some great friendships here. I have got some really good advice and great support. It always amazes me that people are interested in my life, but i truly appreciate all that read my blog.

I love meeting new people. I love reading your comments. If you read my blog and havent commented, today is your day! Just say "hi"! I dont bite, i promise! Who knows, it might be the start of a great friendship!!

Happy Lurkers Day. I trully appreciate all of you!!

Subrina <3

UH OH Results

If you read the post before this you know that I missed my 11:30 text. Mr. D did not miss that I missed it. He called me on his lunch and let me know he was fully aware of the missed text.

Oh man.....I'm in trouble!

I was really conflicted on how I felt about it.

On one hand I was so excited that he noticed and was calling me out on it. He was being the HOH that I have been asking for. He was sticking to his guns. He was acting like he was going to follow through with this. He seemed like he had full intentions on spanking me.

On the other hand I was hoping that he would forget. OK actually my ass was hoping he would forget and just give in to me. If he was serious and had intentions of following through with this, that meant I was getting spanked.

I was so torn about trying to get out of this. I so wanted to put on my pouty face, bat my eyes at him, and raise up my halo. I knew I could talk him out of this and would get my way. I got this! But then this voice in my head was screaming shut up! You wanted this, you asked for this......own up to it and take what you got coming to you.

Mr. D came home and I was asleep.......remember my nap!! He let me sleep and went about doing what he does. He was cooking dinner when I finally woke up. I went to the kitchen to say hi and see if he needed help. We finished cooking and then ate dinner. Neither one of us brought up the elephant in the room.

Dinner was over and I went back to our bedroom. I was still tired from my nap and laid down on the bed. I grabbed my phone and was reading my emails. When he comes in the door I was reading the comments from some of you on my UH OH post. I was laughing out loud (thank you Misty and HS!!) and Mr. D comes in the room and grins at me. He sits down on the bed. I immediately go to him and want to lay with him, on his chest.

He's not buying it!

"Are you ready?"

I don't know why, but I felt this was the time to show him one of the comments that said
"Honestly, Mr. D, lay into her ass! She needs it. Don't let her fool you or talk you out of it."

He didn't read beyond those words. He smiled and handed me my phone back. Got up off the bed and asked again if I was ready.

Do I play stupid? Do I try and talk my way out of this? Can I try and be cute?

"You now you missed your text today and you know what that means?"

*as cute as I can be* "I love you baby!"

*chuckling* "I love you too. Now come over here and kneel over the bed"

"But baby I love you" *he knows exactly what I'm doing*

"Subrina....get over here now"

The whole time this is going on I am giggling and he is really trying to hide his smile. We are both kind of laughing but trying to get through it. It is still very awkward for both of us. But he seems to be sticking to it.

I him and hah about it, telling him I don't want to do this.

"Subrina....now!" and he points to the floor by the bed

I kind of roll around the bed and finally get on the floor.

He says he's going to give me 2 spankings because I missed my text today. I was shaking my head and telling him no, I didn't want to do this.

Two? That's it? WOW I'm getting off easy....SWEET!

He put his hand on my back and then...............

WHACK!

WHACK!

I just kind of sat there for a few seconds and then crawled up the bed. He laid down next to me and I laid on his chest. He held me and asked if I was ok.

I was ok.

I was more than ok.

I know I said this the last time but it still baffles me. I feel completely at peace. I feel so much closer to him. I feel so calm and so.....um.....just......peaceful. I don't know how to explain it.

I have read from some of you that when you get a spanking it's like a reset. I never understood what it meant. I could never wrap my brain around it.

Until now!

I get it! I understand it! I get bratty, disrespectful, trying to do things my own way, trying to top from the bottom. And then he steps up and takes care of things, of me.

Now I have been "reset" and I can't tell you how strange, peaceful, and calm I feel. Not to mention how much closer or more connected I feel to him. After it happened, I just laid in his arms, listening to him talk. Not really understanding what he was saying, but just listening to him. I felt like I was floating. I have this tingling feeling all over. I felt like I was drunk!

Can TTWD really be this good? Is it possible to keep getting better? Is it possible to keep feeling closer to him? Just when I think he's not stepping up or being what I want him to be.....he totally throws me a curve ball. I guess if I just learn some patience, let him lead and do this on his time......I will always have this feeling. I may not be getting what I want when I want it......but I am getting what I need when I need it!

Subrina <3

UH OH

I know most of you are aware of my texting rule. I am supposed to text Mr. D everyday (mon-thur) at 11:30. I have my alarm set for this so I don't forget. Sometimes I get into a jam with this rule because I drive for a living. At this time of the day I am always driving so it can be challenging.

Today Mr. D had to work but I didn't, well I didn't have to drive. I did go into work for a few hours but I wasn't driving. I was in the office talking to the HR manager when my 11:30 alarm went off. I hit the red X on my phone and went on about my conversation.

I will text him as soon as she stops talking! I don't want to be rude and text while she is talking

We finish our conversation and I go on about my business. I finish up what I was doing and head home. I can't wait to get home and take a nap, I am sooooo tired. I don't know why but I am. I get home and see that it's almost 1:00....Mr. D will be calling me pretty soon....so my nap will have to wait!

My phone rings at 1:00.

"Hey baby, watcha doin?"

"Nothing, just got home from work and going to take a nap"

"OH OK, go ahead and take a nap, we'll talk when I get home."

hhhhmmmm we'll talk when he gets home? Why? What's wrong with him? Why is he cutting the call short? He never does that. And what's with the tone in his voice?

"Baby what's wrong.....is everything ok?"

"Yea it's fine.....We'll talk when I get home"

Not I'll talk to you when I get home.....WE'LL talk when I get home. There's a difference!

"Are you sure everything is ok?'

"Check your text messages at 11:30, what do you see?"

"We'll talk when I get home! Bye, I love you"

"OOPSIE" *giggles*

"But today is a holiday baby. I didn't have to work. I thought it was only regular days?"

"It's Mon - Thur, you know that. We'll talk when I get home"


Let's see what happens when he gets home. Here I have been complaining that I want him to stick to his guns and do what he says he's going to do. hhhmmmmmm Not so much! Now I'm kinda hopin he forgets or doesn't follow through, well my ass is hopin!

Go ahead and say it.....go on. I know, you're right!

Watch what you wish for cuz you just might get it!

Oh man....how could I be so stupid? UGH!


Subrina <3

This Is Us

Here are some silly questions that someone sent me. I thought it would be fun to answer them with Mr. D. We actually answered them separately, not seeing the others answer until I typed it here! They are really corny! You will see that he just answers the questions with no explanation. I, on the other hand, have to give some explanation. Maybe it's just a guy thing.....just the facts! Anyway.......this is us!


1. What would your husband say was the last thing that made him give you "the look"?
Me: My driving.....we have issues here!
Him: Being a smart ass

2. What part of his body does he talk about the most?
Me: His belly!
Him: Arms/tattoos (yea he does talk about his arms and tats too)

3. If you could burn one thing of his and not get in trouble, what would it be?
Me: His cigarettes. I really wish he would quit! UGH I kinda like him and want to keep him around
Him: Cigarettes

4. What shape would he say best describes your ass? A) apple, B) pear, C) pancake, D) never noticed....too distracted
Me: B) pear
Him: A) apple

5. Nothing makes her brattier than......
Me: PMS sometimes I can't stand to be around myself!
Him: When she doesn't get her way (ouch.......he's right!)

6. If my family knew we were in a spanking relationship they would be A) mortified, B) be intrigued and ask questions, C) high five Him and tell him it's about time!
Me: I don't have any family and I don't like his....but his would be absolutely A) mortified. His friends would probably give him a high five and tell him finally!!!
Him: A) mortified

7. When my husband does _________, I wish I could spank my mother in law.
Me: Gives in and doesn't stick to his guns.....she's the exact same way!
Him: Acts like an ass

8. When having sex my husbands theme song should be A) I will Survive, B) Dancing with myself, C) Wake me up before you go go, D) Shook me all night long
Me: If I had to pick from this list I would pick D) Shook me all night long. But if I could pick my own song it would be Bump and Grind from R. Kelly HAHA!
Him: D) Shook me all night long

9. If _________ was an Olympic sport, my husband would win the gold.
Me: The quickest shower
Him: I don't know, being a good husband? (he is a GREAT husband)

10. Two words that best describe my husband are _________ and _________.
Me: Amazing and Faithfull
Him: Loving and Romantic (these are very true too!)

11. Two words that sum up my wife are _________ and ____________.
Me: crazy and talkative
Him: bratty and smartass (blushing hehehe)

12. What's your wife's theme song?
Me: Hard to Love by Lee Brice. I'm always telling him I'm hard to love but he makes it look so easy
Him: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd.....not all of the lyrics

13. Even before TTWD, I wanted to spank my wife when she did ___________
Me: wouldn't stop talking when it was time to leave
Him: acted like a brat (hmmmm I'm starting to see a pattern here)

14. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would spank my wife with __________
Me: His hand! We just started spanking (we did it once) and it's still really awkward
Him: my hand

15. My wife is so adorable when she _____________
Me: sings in the car
Him: sings in the car (I almost cried when I read this. I was shocked that he came up with the same exact answer I did)

16. Often when I give my wife "the look", I'm really thinking __________
Me: If she doesn't shut the hell up........
Him: I'm about to beat her ass

17. Besides her ass, my wife's greatest asset is __________
Me: boobs
Him: face

18. If you knew you wouldn't get caught, where is the one place that you would like to have sex?
Me: the Red Room of Pain!!! LOL j/k I guess I would have to say somewhere I could be as loud as I wanted to be!!!
Him: the beach

19. What is the first thing that attracted you to her?
Me: my ass! I don't think we ever planned on being together.....we were just gonna have fun
Him: Her personality


Hope you had fun reading these. I know we had fun answering them.

Dominic & Subrina <3

The "C" Word

The "C" word. You know that word that we all struggle with? That word that is hard to hear and even harder to do? It's the one thing in a TTWD or D/s relationship that you can't live without....yup you guessed it..........

If you read my blog yesterday you will know that Mr. D and I didn't have such a great evening.

I was embarrassed.

I was really pissed off.

I was even more disappointed.

I came to blogland to vent.

You said I need to communicate.
UGH!

You said that he's human. 
WHOA!

You said he's not perfect.
WHOA!

You said he's going to make mistakes.
WHAT!

Yup....it's true! He is human, he's not perfect and he did make a mistake. Thank you all so kindly for pointing that out!

Does that mean I don't love him......HELL NO! In fact, I think I love him even more today than I did the day before.

I took your advice and I Communicated! It took me a while to open up, and he didn't push. He let me be mad and just left me alone. We went to bed last night not talking which we both hate. But I was so mad and disappointed at him last night I really didn't want to talk to him. And I don't think he really knew what to say, so he left it alone.

I didn't know what to say. I was afraid that if I started talking I would not use my brain-to-mouth filter. I would be rude, mean and disrespectful. I just didn't think me talking would help the matter any. So I did what I do best and said nothing. He did what he does best, doesn't push and just kind of paces around and tries to talk to me. I stay quiet and he just gives up.

He tried again this morning. He called me at work but I just wasn't ready to talk. We ended the conversation and that was that. He called me later and now I was ready to talk. I had a bus full of students so I couldn't raise my voice or act like a fool. I think it was better that way. I had to stay in control and watch what I said.

I told him pretty much what I wrote in my last blog. He agreed with me...said he was disappointed in himself as well. (go ahead....you can say I told ya so!) He said that he let the struggle of the game just keep building up and building up....then our son "got hurt" and that was it. He's not sure what happened, he just saw red and reacted.

Mr. D hasn't done this in a very long time. It kind of took him by surprise too. I didn't know this, but when we got home he text one of the coaches and apologized to him for the way he acted. The coach was accepting of his apology and said they (the team and other coach) loved our son and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

It's amazing what a little communication, some writing and really good advice can do for you! I really feel much better now that we have talked about it. I am so proud of him for understanding what he did. I'm even more proud of him that he regrets it and wishes it had never happened. I am proud of him that he sees his mistake and doesn't want it to happen again. In the past that would have NEVER happened.

He is human, he's not perfect and he will make mistakes! And I love him more and more!

For those of you that made comments, you don't know how much I appreciated your input and helping me see a different side to it. I truly value all of your opinions. I don't think I could get through TCTWD (This Crazy Thing We Do) without all of you. You all are so supportive and even though I might not want to hear it......you usually don't sugar coat things. Thank you so much!

Subrina <3

How Can I Trust Him

I haven't posted in a few days. I was talking to a blog friend and she asked if everything was ok. This was sooooo sweet because she has a lot going on with her right now and dealing with some difficult things. And even though her head is spinning she thought of me. Thank you so much, you don't know how much that meant to me.

I did tell her that everything was actually going well. I had a thought for a post but was still trying to work out how and what exactly to say. I wasn't sure. Well......now I have a post and I know exactly what to say!

Mr. D and I have been getting along so well. We have talked about some things. We have talked about things we might want to try. I really think we're headed in the right direction and I'm excited. Things have been really good!

Tonight my youngest had a flag football game. Mr. D kind of coaches but he mainly helps out. He just wants to be a parent on the team. We had a dad that stepped up to coach so Mr. D just gets to enjoy the game. We don't have a very good team, we struggle most games. The team we were playing tonight is pretty good and we have known them for years. But we were on our game tonight. We were giving them a run for their money. We were losing but playing well!

The refs were really bad tonight, not calling anything. And if your kids have ever played sports you know that when your team is losing the refs calls seem to get worse and definitely not in your favor. Mr. D has a reputation of being hot tempered during games. Well tonight was no different.

I thought we had gotten past this. I thought this was left in the past. He has really been different since we started TTWD. He seemed more in control of his emotions. He didn't really seem to let these little things bother him. And I have been so proud of him. But unfortunately past practice always seems to rear it's ugly head.

Our son (kind of)  got hurt in tonight's game. Not really bad.....and he is a major drama queen! I mean he's-gonna-win-an-Emmy-one-day drama queen. He was getting hammered and hurt his shoulder. He grabbed his shoulder and bent over like he was dying. Mr. D went out to the field to see if he was OK and as soon as he got out there my son started to cry. Well, that's all Mr. D needed to see!

He kind of tosses my son to the side (not like throwing him, just kind of moving him) and the ref tried to get in front of him and he pushed him to the side. He storms across the field to the other side of the field yelling at the whole sidelines and then gets in the coaches face. I have no idea what he said nor do I care. The ref is yelling "if he goes over there you will forfeit this game" OK like that mattered....we were losing anyways!!!

As soon as I saw him take off across the field I yelled his name. He completely ignored me. I was tending to my son making sure he was ok. When you have a drama queen ya just never know if their really hurt or not!! So I have my arm around him and we leave the field and head to the car. Mr. D walks up and hands my son his tennis shoes and tells him to hold them. We continue to walk towards the snack shack and the parking lot. The other team goes running by us to the snack shack to get their snacks. Mr. D is walking and starts to take off his jacket.

OK why would he take off his jacket if we are leaving? He is going to do something stupid!

"We are going home. You can find your own ride!"

"What? I'm going home too? What are you talking about?" As he puts his jacket back on and had this WTF pissed off look on his face

I continue to walk with my son to the car. We drive home, get out of the car and go in the house. He is really pissed off. He comes storming in the door and goes to the bedroom. I go to the kitchen and clean up dinner dishes. We haven't spoken to each other yet and it's almost bed time.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling more. I am extremely embarrassed. We have played against this same team for 6 years now. They usually beat us in football and basketball and we go back and forth in baseball. I still can't believe he ran across the field and said I don't know even know. Really?

I'm just as pissed off as I am embarrassed. I seriously thought those days were behind us. He has changed so much since starting TTWD and I just feel like we have taken 20 steps backwards. He isn't talking to me and I really have nothing to say to him. I'm afraid to talk because I'm not sure of what I'll say. It's better to just keep to myself and not say anything. But I can tell he is a little nervous. He's not really sure what to do with him self. He's going in and out of the bedroom. I think he knows he screwed up and he's not sure what to do now.

More than being embarrassed and pissed off I am extremely disappointed. We have come so far in this lifestyle. He has really made some great changes within our marriage and personally. I am so proud of the changes he has made. But this........this just killed it. I feel like we are never going to be able to get where we were headed. I mean really, if he can't control his temper at our sons flag football game that means absolutely nothing....how can I trust him to lead us? How can I trust that he's going to make the best decisions for us? How can I trust him that when faced with something he's not going to lose his shit!

OMG the more I write about it the more hurt I get. I can't believe he acted like that. Really, how am I ever going to completely trust him in/with TTWD? I mean I am so hurt, mad, angry, pissed off, disappointed, shocked, embarrassed......UGH! I don't know even know what to say.

I need to go to bed.

I had a SHITTY day at work.

And now this.

Good night.

Subrina <3

Givin It Up

Your probably here looking for a hot sex post with me, Mr. D and my new toy.....the wand! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This post has almost no sex in it, well no detailed description of any sex.

So if you're still with me......grab a drink and have a seat.....let's have some girl talk!

The weekend that Mr. D and I went away was amazing. Not only did we have great mind blowing sex (that's about all the sex talk you're gonna get in this one!!) but we had even better conversation.
On Saturday when we went to lunch we had a pretty deep conversation.

I realized that Mr. D and I have completely reversed roles. If I remember correctly it happened about 2 years ago. Not exactly sure why it happened. I guess I have kind of noticed it, but this past weekend the light bulb went off. It totally took me to a whole new place.

 

Let me rewind a little............

The past 18 years I have ALWAYS put the kids first. Anytime we went anywhere I would want to take the boys with us. If we ever went anywhere without them I would complain the whole time...."what about the boys?, I wish the boys were here" and so on. I would feel guilty if we ate out and they weren't with us. I always felt guilty when we did things without them. Mr. D would always tell me to not worry about it, enjoy myself. I never could let go. I always had them on my mind.

My boys are very active playing sports. I would NEVER NEVER EVER miss a game or practice. When my oldest went to college we would go to inner squad games and all home games. He plays adult softball and we never missed a game. My middle one plays the drums in his high school band. Band wasn't our thing, but we never miss a performance....even went to some practices. Same thing with my little one....we never miss any of his games.

Mr. D has coached all 3 boys in sports and I have managed all of their teams. We are extremely involved with their lives. Still to this day! We are a very very close family....the Fab Five! haha

I was the one that always planned ahead for things. I always made sure everything was taken care of, kids had jackets when we left the house. I could not live "where the day takes me". I couldn't be spontaneous. I worried about money. I took care of the homework with the kids. I disciplined them. I took care of the bills, called to get extensions, mad
e payment arrangements.

He was more of the wild one. He always had this attitude of  "wherever the day takes me". He was so carefree. He never worried about anything. He just lived! He worried about tomorrow when tomorrow came. But today he was going to live in the moment.

Sex was almost non existent in our relationship. I was not a big fan of sex! I know I know.....it's crazy to even think that. But sadly it's true. Mr. D would beg and beg to have sex. He was lucky if we did it twice a month!! And then when I would agree, half the time it would be a hand job. To me sex was like doing the dishes....a chore!

Everything came first except Mr. D and our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we got along great. We have always loved each other. We have always had a great relationship and have been best friends.

"I'm soooooo sorry Mr. D for treating you like that all those years. Thank you for hanging in there and not giving up on me."


Fast forward to the here and now........WOW What a difference a year makes!

Now it's Mr. D that is the responsible one. He takes care of everything. He takes care of the bills, makes sure homework gets done. (I help with doing the homework). He is always thinking of the boys. Not that he didn't before....but now he thinks like I did. He is always saying "what about the boys".

I'm more the wild one now. I live for today, not really worrying too much about tomorrow. I'm not completely like he was.....but I definitely don't worry like I used to. The whole "cone and my car" thing....he told me that I was acting like a teenager, because I was kind of driving a little to fast and "playing" with the truck. He sometimes says he thinks I'm going through a mid life crisis. We bought a Scion XB for me and I have a sound system in it, I want to get it lowered and fix it up. I would rather go out to dinner with him and buy pizza for the boys!

So while we were having lunch on our weekend get away the light bulb went off. I started to cry

"Why are you crying?"

"I just realized that we have reversed roles and I'm ok with it."

I told him that not only have we reversed roles, but I have "given it up". I have given up my fears and concerns......to him. I have let him lead me and guide me. I am comfortable with his decision making. I have finally let go and given all of myself to him.

I can't even begin to tell you how strong I felt sitting there across the table from him. I was crying, not only because of the realization I had but the deep emotional and spiritual connection I felt to him in that moment. Something changed. I felt different. I felt at peace. And I couldn't have loved him more in that moment.

 

I wonder if our friends and family have noticed the change in us? Have they noticed that I am constantly hanging on him? Have they noticed that I always want to be near him? Have they noticed that we no longer argue? Have they noticed that we seem to be so in love with each other? Have they noticed the respect we show each other? Have they noticed that I ask permission for things now?

I've become very selfish with him now. I don't want to share him with anyone. Friends. Family. Kids. Work. Nobody. I want him all to myself! When we went on our weekend get away we missed our little ones tournament. That was the first time EVER that we have missed our kids events.

I don't feel guilty. I felt bad because he had no one there cheering him on. But we talked to him on the phone several times. But I completely enjoyed our weekend together. And I really wanted to stay longer.

This lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. It is so powerful when things are working. It is so powerful when you have these realizations. and I keep saying that I didn't think I could love him anymore...but damn I just keep falling. I go back and read my earlier posts and I never thought we would be where we are. I know we still have a long way to go....but I definitely know there is a change in us.......and all because I'm givin it up!

Subrina <3

If I Didn't Have You

by Thompson Square

Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.

You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me

 This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you

If you didn't love me so much
 This Life would kill me If I didn't have you

Internal Conflict

Mr. D and I have been trying TTWD for about 8 months now. When we first started, and even up until about a month or so ago, we always said that we would never spank for punishment. When we would hear or read about couples spanking we both would agree that that just wasn't for us. We both agreed that we could never see us doing it. It would be too weird!

Fast forward to just a few days ago and I got my first spanking! If you haven't read my post about it you can here.

I have been having some issues since that first spanking the other day. I know it was the first one, and the first is probably the worst. It's the worst in that it's the first, so it's uncomfortable, strange, weird, foreign. For both of us. Here is my problem.......

 

I guess it really isn't up to me, that would be Mr. D's call. But I know if I said that I didn't want to do this Mr. D would be ok with it. But in all honesty, I want to do it. I want him to hold me accountable for things. If I don't comply then I want him to spank me.

Here's my issue or internal conflict.

I know we are consenting adults. We make our own decisions. We, as a married couple, have decided this is how we are going to live our marriage. We have talked about this issue at great length, we are both on the same page and we both agree on spanking.

Yet why is it that I feel like I am doing something wrong? Why do I feel the need to hide our real relationship? Why do I hope nobody finds out what we do? Why can't I share with friends how we live our life?

Is it because society tells us this isn't how it's supposed to be? Because my mom taught me that you never let a man tell you what to do, let alone spank you? This isn't how married couples are supposed to act? Spankings are for children that behave badly?

Does it really matter to anyone what Mr. D and I do behind closed doors and in the privacy of our own marriage? As long as we are not hurting each other or anyone else, what is it any business of anyone else's?

When I got that spanking I had such a deep feeling of connection with Mr. D. I can't really explain it, but I just felt so close to him and so at peace. Like there had been a weight lifted off of me. It was as if I had given everything to him. Don't get me wrong, the spanking hurt and I'm not looking forward to doing it again. It probably doesn't help that I'm a big baby when it comes to pain. But as soon as it was done and he laid down with me and we talked, it was so peaceful, I felt so peaceful.

So why the internal conflict? I want to share TTWD with everyone! I want everyone to know how great it felt to get that spanking and the release it gave me. But society has taught us that it's not normal. That spanking your wife should not be allowed.

Well you know what I say......

If what we do makes us both happy, we are not hurting each other or anyone else....then we are going to continue to do this. When we both have decided that we no longer want to do this, or we both feel that it's not working in our relationship, then we will stop. But we are definitely not going to stop because there are people out there with closed minds and think that this is wrong.

I think the world would be a better place if people would not judge others. Just because one couple lives a certain way or does things a certain way doesn't mean they are wrong. It just works for them. It's not my place to judge anyone on what they do behind closed doors or anything else for that matter.

Internal conflict over!


Subrina <3

A New Toy

We have quite a collection in our "toy box". Usually when we get a new toy we go together and pick it out. We will have an idea of what we want when we go, but we almost always pick it out together.

Yesterday I had to take a trip to San Diego for work. So I called Mr. D during my drive so we could talk. Not about anything specific, just to talk! I asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to the store. I asked him what he was getting and he said just picking up something.

hhhmmmm OK.....he's probably at the "toy" store.

I get home from work and we are cuddling on the bed. He starts kissing me and rubbing my back.

"I bought you something today"

"You did, what did you buy me"

"It's a surprise, I'll show you later tonight"

Since I think he went to the "toy" store and he bought me something.....I'm getting excited! I kind of have a feeling I know what it is. We have talked about them but I have always been a little apprehensive about getting one. And since we just tried to do it last weekend I ASSumed it was a buttplug. pun intended!

We went out to dinner with him mom. Came home had a few drinks after dinner. I was doing stuff on the computer. Finally the kids are asleep, or at least in their rooms. Mr. D comes in our room and sits next to me on the bed. He asks what I'm doing, I tell him reading blogs! HAHA you guys are never very far away!! I shared some of the things I was reading. I could tell he was getting antsy and like he had something to tell me. But I go on about my business.

He finally says I want to show you what I got you today. I told him I thought I knew what it was. He said, no you don't know. So I tell him to show me. He goes to the door and locks it. (yes we finally got a lock on our door!!) When the door is locked I know what's about to happen.

He gets the "toy box" out of the closet. Gets the key to unlock the lock and turns around and grins at me. He is holding my new toy!! I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I am beyond excited now for the door being locked, but a little nervous too.

This is my new toy and in my favorite color!!!!

 

 

I have heard about the "wand". I have heard how intense it can be. So now I am excited but nervous too. Am I going to be able to handle the intensity of it? Well, I guess I'm about to find out!! He tells me to get my cloths off and lay on the bed. I do what he says but the anxiety is taking over. I am giddy with excitement.

 

He starts playing with me, rubbing me all over, kissing me and telling me that he can't wait to use my new toy on me. He has that low throaty sexy growl when he talks to me. Gawd I love that sound. I especially love it when he's close to my ear. Oh Sweet Jesus!

 

And then I hear it.

 

BUZZZZZZZZ

 

He tells me it has 10 different speeds and he's going to use all of them.

 

OH. MY. GAWD.

 

He touched my clit with the wand and I almost jumped off the bed. I pushed his hands away. He smacked my ass and told me to keep my hands away. I was begging him to stop. It was so intense. I can't describe the feeling, but it was amazing. The "wand" along with his hands and his low sexy voice in my ear calling me his whore and slut. It was beyond anything I could handle. But that didn't stop him. I was crawling up the bed to get away from him but of course, he wasn't having it. He smacked my ass.

 

"Where are you going, get back over here"

 

whimpers

 

smack  "Don't move again"

 

"OH MY GAWD pleeeeeeeease"

 

I can't even think straight. He is relentless with that thing. He just keeps coming at me with it. And then he puts another toy in me. I don't know how much more I can take. I am a quivering mess. He moves the dildo slowly in...out...in....out and never letting up on my clit with the wand. He changes speeds and moves it around. I am beyond hot and completely lost.

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "That's a good lil whore....you can take it"

 

"Oh please Sir....pleeeeeease"

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "Please what? Please stop? Please harder? What do you want you lil slut"

 

I'm not sure what I want. I can't even process information. I can't form any kind of sentence except "please Sir" and "oh my gawd". I just know that what he's doing to me is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

 

He keeps up his relentless assault and I can't take it anymore. He knows I'm getting close and he pushes me. He does what he wants and takes what he wants.

 

Low, throaty, deep growl "Cum, I want you to cum you lil whore, give it up to me, give it all to me"

 

And that was my undoing. I completely lost it. That one little sentence can push me right over the edge, and he knows it. It was one of the hottest nights we've ever had.

 

Needless to say I love love love my new toy. If you don't have one of these little gems, you need to get one! Seriously.....it is beyond words!

 

Subrina <3